Does This Memo (A) Burn Every Bridge Or (B) Burn Most Of The Bridges?

The multiple choice memo that makes every co-worker want to beat you with a club.

Tom - Isn't this hilarious! Sue - Let's totally kick his ass later!

Tom: This is hilarious!
Sue: Let’s totally swirlie him later!

The funny departure memo. Everyone aspires to it, almost no one does it, fewer still do it well, and absolutely none of its intended audience appreciates it. What is this polished work supposed to convey to the rest of the firm? Partners think you’re mocking their generosity in employing you, and associates think you’re having a laugh as you leave them to their wretched fate. What was Bane’s line from The Dark Knight Rises?

There’s a reason why this prison is the worst hell on earth… Hope. Every man who has rotted here over the centuries has looked up to the light and imagined climbing to freedom. So easy… So simple… And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water from uncontrollable thirst, many have died trying. I learned here that there can be no true despair without hope.

You read that in the Bane voice, didn’t you? Go ahead and admit it.

Anyway, that’s why the funny departure memo is meant as the extra salt in the sucking chest wound of Biglaw practice. What else is a lawyer to think when they read a departure memo in the form of a multiple choice test?

Here’s what they think: Oh, look! You took the time to write something cute. Does that mean you’re:

(a) an insufferable creative type living on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams we call Biglaw;
(b) someone who really, really thought the LSAT was an accurate depiction of being a lawyer;
(c) obviously the luckiest f**ker on the planet to treat going to law school as a lark instead of a blood-signed contract of involuntary servitude; or,
(d) desperately hoping Above the Law will put that final cap on your flameout of a stint.

Sponsored

Barring an “all of the above,” we’ll just have to settle on (d), because Above the Law feeds on the salt ground into those wounds, and gleefully applauds the author for doing it.

The author, by the way, is an associate now formerly of Kirkland & Ellis in San Francisco. His departure memo, sent out last night, is a tour de force of a departure. So let’s get to it! Cue Alicia Keys, because THIS… BRIDGE… IS… ON… FIIIIIRRRRRREEEE…

After _____[1]_____, it is time to say goodbye to K&E….

a. recovering from amnesia and realizing that I never went to law school
b. a wonderful two months
c. thoughtful consideration over eight glasses of wine at lunch
d. laundering millions of dollars via your servers

This may be the best choice presented in the entire departure memo, because, according to LinkedIn, he’s worked at Kirkland for almost one year. Once you eliminate (b) as an option…

I am leaving to _____[2]_____.

a. pursue my dream of being crowned champion of the nineteenth season of RuPaul’s Drag Race
b. join the Trump/Pence 2016 campaign
c. [intentionally omitted]
d. judge the 2017 Eurovision Song Contest

Sponsored

Hey, if someone from (b) was able to (c) Melania’s paragraph about values, they’d be in a much better place.

I have _____[3]_____my time here

a. from start-to-finish thoroughly enjoyed
b. delivery delayed literally thousands of emails during
c. somehow survived
d. developed a drinking problem as a result of

Remember those MBE questions where it seemed like multiple answers were correct but there just wasn’t that option?

and I will _____[4]_____.

a. make sure to avoid 555 California Street for the rest of my life
b. remember my time here fondly
c. steal as many office supplies as I can fit in my man purse
d. miss all of you I’ve come to know

Speaking of… is he going to remember his time fondly or miss everyone? That’s the trick! This is how you know it’s (c).

I look forward to _____[5]_____

a. (re-) starting my new (old) job
b. leaving the office today
c. never using Carpe Diem again
d. moving to New York City for its relatively more affordable housing

Looks like someone’s been reading the ATL real estate comparison guide! His old job was with Clifford Chance in New York, so if he’s heading back there he’s not escaping Carpe Diem — or some reasonable facsimile of it — anytime soon.

But it sure sounds like he’s bouncing on the whole idea of lawyerin’…

and will _____[6]_____

a. definitely call you if I screw up and require legal representation
b. crash the next open bar event
c. be leaving behind a pile of glitter in my office
d. keep in touch

We all, at least those of us he’s not abandoning at Kirkland, wish him well. It’s a fun letter, and he’ll be a wise and capable Eurovision adjudicator.

(The full email is available on the next page…)


Joe Patrice is an editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.