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Old Lady Lawyer: Lawyer Jokes Are Exactly That -- Jokes

Lawyer jokes are great because we need to jab a needle in the pomposity that seems to be our specialty.

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old lady lawyer elderly woman grandmother grandma laptop computerSeveral months back, I wondered whether lawyers have a sense of humor or, if not, why not.

As I said then, I love lawyer jokes, not only because I find them funny, but also because I think we need to jab a needle in the pomposity that seems to be our specialty. I don’t know why we’re so good at pomposity, but we are. Pomposity 101: another elective in law school that I didn’t take, but which some lawyers clearly aced.

So, I asked for readers to share some lawyer jokes. They have. Why has it taken a while for me to share them? This summer has not been a barrel of laughs in any respect. However, it’s now the dog days of August, we’re hot, we’re cranky, we’re foraging for business because people are out on vacation, not willing to get involved in legal legerdemain, and especially slow to pay their legal bills. Thus, we could use some amusement, although some disagree with the idea that lawyer jokes are funny. For those of you, go bite on a lemon.

These jokes are courtesy of a law professor, whose identity shall remain nameless. And who said law professors don’t have a sense of humor? The professor has some thoughts as to why lawyer jokes are more vicious than jokes targeting other professions. It’s ironic, he says (okay, the professor is a he), because when you look at much of what’s on television, lawyers are portrayed in positive ways, such as on Law and Order, The Trials of Rosie O’Neil (a short-lived series from many years ago that starred Sharon Gless as a public defender), The Defenders (use your Wayback machine to channel that one), The Practice and others.

As an aside, for two really excellent books on lawyers in the movies and TV, read Paul Bergman and Michael Asimow’s book, Reel Justice: The Courtroom Goes to the Movies and Asimow’s book, Lawyers in Your Living Room! Law on Television (affiliate links). 

Every lawyer’s library should have these two. They’re great fun. I digress.

The professor has several theories:

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1. People react with strong emotions because they interact with lawyers at stressful times. (I’m not so sure I agree with that; what about patient interactions with physicians, especially at times of life or death?)

2. In civil matters, there’s a winner and there’s a loser, and even those who “win” may not get all they think they’re entitled to or expected. (Managing client expectations, anyone? I could put a plug here for using mediation, but I won’t.) Contrast that with medicine. I like this theory because he’s absolutely right. Medicine is not adversarial; everyone has the same goal. There’s no opposing doctor in an operating room.

3. Clients generally like their own lawyers, but resent, detest [choose whatever other verb you like] the tactics of opposing counsel. It doesn’t help when the client’s lawyer disparages the other lawyer, rather than being professional and civil. After all, that opposing counsel has a client too. When both lawyers descend into the name-calling gutter, you know the result.

4. Many people see government as increasingly intrusive with incomprehensible regulations, and lawyers are seen are both the cause and the beneficiaries.

5. Many people view lawyers as money-grubbing trouble-makers, who build nothing but court records, and produce nothing but delays.

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6. Many also don’t understand our constitutional rights, and that even the most heinous accused deserves a fair trial. It’s “how can you defend those people?” How many times has a criminal defense lawyer heard that line? As retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor laments, civics education is so last century. 

7. People see physicians as saving lives. People see lawyers as “getting people off.”

So, that being said, here are just a few lawyer jokes — probably all of them you’ve heard before, but they’re clean.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire sucks blood only at night.

Where can you find a good lawyer? In a cemetery.

How do you know when it is really cold? It’s the only time when lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-feeding, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic dumps? New Jersey had first choice. (No comment from this California lawyer.)

Just Google lawyer jokes, and take your pick of websites. There are the hilarious books of New Yorker magazine lawyer cartoons, and my favorite comic strip, Non Sequitur, which seems to take particular delight in zinging lawyers. One book is called “Dead Lawyers and Other Pleasant Thoughts.” Another is The Legal Lampoon.

But wait, there’s more. There’s at least one website dedicated to funny lawyer t-shirts, tote bags, all kinds of glassware, laptop bags, and the like. 

Law professors are not immune from lawyer jokes, especially from lawyers. Here are just two:

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. She just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. Substitute “lawyer” for “law professor.”

What happens when you cross a law professor with a godfather? You get an offer that you can neither refuse nor understand.

So, do we have only ourselves to blame for the proliferation of lawyer jokes and lawyer swag? Why is there such a disconnect between the way we are portrayed in various media as good guys when there’s such virulent nastiness about our profession, emanating from both clients and the general populace? Should we care? Should we do anything about it?

There’s a difference between taking our work seriously, which we should, and taking ourselves seriously, which we shouldn’t. How to distinguish between the two? We’re smart; we should be able to figure this out.

Earlier: Old Lady Lawyer: What Is An SOH?

Jill Switzer is closing in on 40 (not a typo) years as a active member of the State Bar of California. Yes, folks, California, that state west of the Sierra Nevada, which everyone likes to diss. She’s had a diverse legal career, including stints as a deputy district attorney, a solo practice, and several senior in-house gigs. She now mediates full-time, which gives her the opportunity to see old lawyers, young lawyers, and those in-between interact — it’s not always pretty. You can reach her by email at oldladylawyer@gmail.com.

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