Federal Judges, Pets, Richard Posner, Weirdness

Principled Premises, Platitudes, Presuppositions, Palliatives, And Post-Mortems Of Posnerian Jurisprudence

"These tweets provide unique insight into the work of the American judicial mind -- Judge Posner’s mind is quite typical."

By Mr. Terence Twitter, LL.B.  
on
Judge Richard A, Posner

Judge Richard A, Posner

Recently a number of anonymous tweets were posted on Twitter (see https://twitter.com/posner_thoughts) concerning Judge Richard A. Posner, a (believe it or not) federal court of appeals judge somewhere in the midwest. These tweets provide I believe unique insight into the work of the American judicial mind, for I believe that Judge Posner’s mind is quite typical. As the tweets were anonymous, I do not believe I am violating copyright law by reprinting some of them in this article without a license from each tweeter—since they are anonymous, I have no way of seeking a license from any of them. I trust that I am insulated by this observation from being sued. Moreover, Terence Twitter is a pseudonym, so it will be difficult for anyone to sue me. (They can sue the pseudonym all they like. They will get judgments by default. Hey Dummkopf, try collecting a judgment without knowing who the defendant is!!)

It should be emphasized that none of the tweets were authorized by Posner, or shown to him before being issued (is that what is done with a tweet?). But they exhibit remarkable insight into what may fairly be considered the typical 21st century a.d. judicial mindset. Obviously their insight stems from their being mind readers.

Before proceeding further, please read this introduction by Ms. Pixie Posner. I inferred from several of the tweets that the references in them to a cat named Pixie was to an animal living with Judge Posner. I was able to Skype her and what follows is a transcript of what she told me.

Pixie the Cat

Hi! My name is Pixie. I am (as you can see) a very beautiful Maine Coon. And very intelligent—I read the Wall Street Journal; like most cats, I am politically conservative. I live in a nice house with my staff, which consists of a pair of hominids: “Judge” Posner [what’s a “judge”?] and his wife. They respect my pedigree, which is markedly superior to theirs and is indeed imposing—it goes back five generations and includes such notables as Ch. Sergei Rachmaninoff. I drink out of a fountain, not a bowl, and I eat Fancy Feast every night and kibbles and treats during the day. I have many cat toys and scratching posts (though I prefer scratching upholstery). I even have my own room.

Unsurprisingly the tweets frequently mention me, whether or not by name.

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So enjoy this unedited tweet sampler of insights into the mentality of a representative “judge”:

I DON’T HIRE LAW CLERKS BECAUSE I LIKE THEM. IF I DID IT WOULD BE HARDER TO TREAT THEM LIKE THIS.

POSNER’S CAT [PIXIE POSNER] DISLIKES J. SCALIA, BUT MAYBE SHE ENJOYS HEARING HIM TURN A PHRASE WHILE SHE SCRATCHES HER SCRATCHING POST.

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HUMILITY IS OVERRATED.

I DON’T CRY AND NEITHER DO MY LAW CLERKS IF THEY KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM.

MAINE COON CATS ARE HALF RACCOON UNTIL THE SUPREME COURT SAYS OTHERWISE, NO MATTER WHAT WIKIPEDIA SAYS.

PIXIE IS THE ONLY NONSYCOPHANT I INTERACT WITH REGULARLY.

WHEN I WAS PRESIDENT OF HARV. L. REV. THE ONLY PERKS WERE A WEEKLY HAPPY HOUR AND AN ANNUAL BANQUET.

THE BLUEBOOK IS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF HOW SOME PEOPLE WILL WRITE INNUMERABLE BOOKS ABOUT ULTIMATELY MEANINGLESS SUBJECTS.

ARE JUDGES SHEEP? IRONICALLY THIS QUESTION KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT.

THE BEST CITATION FOR ANY GIVEN PROPOSITION IS USUALLY SOMETHING I’VE WRITTEN.

I HATED THE 60S THEN. STILL DO. ADELE I LIKE.

ORAL ADVOCATES ARE, LIKE DOGS AND DOG PEOPLE, TOO EAGER TO PLEASE.

FEW, IF ANY, OF THE CURRENT SUPREME COURT JUSTICES WOULD HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED AT MY PRESCHOOL.

I WASN’T PARTICULARLY INTERESTED IN CLERKING FOR THE SUPREME COURT.

SLEEP IS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT MY LAW CLERKS.

THE ACCUSATION THAT I AM NOT A 19TH CENTURY STATE COURT JUDGE IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR.

SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG IN BOTH LEGAL WRITING AND CRIMINAL MATTERS. IS THERE A CONNECTION?

I WOULD HATE SITTING ON THE SUPREME COURT BECAUSE OTHER JUSTICES WOULD GET TO WRITE OPINIONS.

YOU HAVE TO EARN MY CAT’S INDIFFERENCE.

THE OLD ADAGE IS TRUE: A PROSECUTOR CAN GET A GRAND JURY TO INDICT A HAM TACO.

THE MOST BOTHERSOME THING ABOUT BEANIE BABIES IS THE ONES I DON’T HAVE.

MY THOUGHTS ARE IN ALL CAPS.

THE ADVERSARY SYSTEM? OVERRATED. BEANIE BABIES? SAME.

I USE THE INTERNET WHEN I WANT ANSWERS, AND I AM ENTITLED TO ANSWERS. I WANT THE TRUTH. I CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH, OR WIKIPEDIA OR WHATEVER.

LOOSEY AND GOOSEY ARE EQUALLY BAD. TOGETHER THEY ARE INTOLERABLE.

PRIVACY IS ANOTHER WORD FOR LYING ABOUT YOURSELF.

I ONCE CHANGED THE OUTCOME OF A SUPREME COURT CASE BY ACCIDENT.

NEW JUDGES SHOULD BE TOLD NOT TO BE SNIDE TO OTHER JUDGES, OLD AS THEY ARE. I STILL HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF ABOUT THIS.

MY PREFERRED APPELLATE PANEL IS ME, MY CAT, AND I.

THE IDEAL SUPREME COURT WOULD HAVE 9 POSNERS, EACH WITH 4 POSNER LAW CLERKS.

I AM NOT JEALOUS OF RUTH BADER GINSBURG’S CELEBRITY. I AM JEALOUS OF HER JABOT.

NO JUDGE HAS EVER DISSENTED FROM ANY PART OF ONE OF MY OPINIONS, BECAUSE I DON’T USE “PARTS,” YOU SEE.

“GOOFY” DESCRIBES BOTH A CARTOON DOG AND THE SUPREME COURT FROM 1967 TO 1981.

MY CAT TURNED DOWN HARVARD, CORRECTLY IN MY VIEW.

MY MOTHER WAS A TIGER MOM BEFORE THE ASIANS THOUGHT OF IT.

MY PRESCHOOL WAS HIGHLY REGARDED, AND EVEN MORE SO ONCE I ENTERED.

I STILL BELIEVE IN THE BRONTOSAURUS.

I HAVE NOW AUTHORED 687,000 BOOKS, MORE OR LESS.

I’VE NEVER APPLIED FOR A JOB IN MY LIFE AND I NEVER WILL. GOD NEVER APPLIED FOR A JOB EITHER.

SO HOW DOES LIFE TENURE WORK FOR A GOD?

“BE INTERESTING ABOVE ALL ELSE” (EXCEPT CATS) IS MY MOTTO.

THERE ARE THREE JUDGES ON THIS PANEL. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE OTHER TWO.

BEANIE BABIES ARE THE DEVIL.

ANIMAL TESTING IS CRUEL. DON’T YOU HAVE LAW CLERKS?

TO TEST A THEORY I ONCE ATE A LAWYER. IT WAS TERRIBLE. NEVERTHELESS I ENVY CATS BECAUSE THEY GET TO EAT THEIR PREY.

I’M GOING TO READ THE ENTIRE INTERNET TONIGHT.

ESKIMOS? IS IT ESKIMOS? WHERE ARE MY LAW CLERKS?

HOMOSEXUALS ARE ALLOWED TO MARRY JUST LIKE ESKIMOS.

CATS’ PLAYING WITH THEIR PREY IS JUST LIKE ORAL ARGUMENT.

A CAT’S GAZE HAS MORE WISDOM THAN 10 VOLUMES OF THE U.S REPORTS.

THE MAIN PROBLEM WITH JUDGES IS NOT BEING POSNER OR POSNER’S CAT.

BATHROOM BREAK? DO YOU WANT TO BE MY LAW CLERK OR NOT?

PRIVACY IS FOR YOUR PANTS. EVERYTHING ELSE IS FAIR GAME.

IF THE LAWYERS WERE SMARTER I WOULD NOT HAVE TO DO RESEARCH FOR THEM.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO MEASURE HOW HIGH GRASS HAS GROWN.

NOTE TO COLLEAGUES: I AM TAKING ALL THE GOOD CASES FOR MYSELF BECAUSE I AM THE SMARTEST.

NOT ONE OF THE JUSTICES IS SMARTER THAN MY CAT.

THE MAIN PROBLEM WITH LAWYERS IS NOT MAKING THE ARGUMENTS I WANT THEM TO MAKE.

Mr. Terence Twitter, LL.B., is a pseudonym, and you cannot contact him.

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