Compassion: Why Lawyers Fear It, And Why We Need It

Be a good friend to yourself by practicing self-compassion. Be kind to yourself.

Jeena Cho

Jeena Cho

Many lawyers fear their emotional world. One partner I worked for, a proud, self-proclaimed curmudgeon, was fond of saying, “We’re lawyers. We don’t have emotions.” Interestingly, as much as he denied his emotions, he was full of them. He would regularly express uncontrolled rage at his associates, his secretary, opposing counsel, and anyone else who had the misfortune of ticking him off. He would get angry when he lost a hearing. He would be very happy when he won a case or got a favorable settlement. Yet, he continued to live in this world of denial where he claimed he had no emotions.

As lawyers, we are trained to constantly be on the lookout for bad things that can happen. We have a very strong negativity bias. This cycle of negativity, constantly being on guard for all that is wrong and can go wrong, wires our brain for unhappiness.

If you notice this persistent negative thought cycle, or if you’re noticing you’ve lost touch with your inner sense of joy, you can learn to work with it through compassion.

First, let me begin by defining what compassion is. As we explained in The Anxious Lawyer book (affiliate link), compassion is:

1. Recognizing difficulties or suffering (either our own or others);
2. Noticing our innate desire to help those who are experiencing
difficulties;
3. Recognizing that difficulties, suffering, and pain are part of the
human condition; and
4. Taking some steps to alleviate or help.

There is a specific mindfulness practice you can do called Metta or loving-kindness, which helps to strengthen your compassion muscle.

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When you practice compassion toward others, you practice knowing why another person is suffering and consider how to alleviate that suffering. As you engage in this practice, you may notice it helps decrease your own suffering. One could argue you practice compassion toward others because it’s good for you.

You are always the immediate recipients of your own feelings. Before you can express anger toward another person, you experience the anger first. Similarly, before you can be compassionate toward others, you get to experience it first.

Often, the person we are the most critical and harsh with is ourselves. When I first started doing the loving-kindness practices, I was surprised by the amount of negative self-talk my mind was engaged in — constantly. It was a collection of every unkind thing anyone has ever said, exponentially multiplied, replaying over and over again in my own mind.

Perhaps you can relate to this. This persistent negative self-talk, self-doubt, never feeling as though you’re good enough, that you’re constantly failing, or the good old imposture syndrome. Let me reassure you and say, you’re in good company.

This negativity towards self can express itself in overcompensation, where you’re always on the defensive, or stop you from reaching your full potential because you believe all the negative chatter.

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When I started doing the ancient practice of loving-kindness, the negative self-talk began to lose its grip. The volume was turned down. I also stopped believing every negative thing my mind happened to think.

Then I started to notice that the way I interacted with others changed. I was less defensive, less reactive, and can approach situations from a place of kindness. Yes, even opposing counsel.

I’ll pause here to say that the practice of compassion is not about condoning, agreeing with, or giving into the person. It’s about becoming familiar with your own emotional landscape, noticing when you are experiencing difficulties (or suffering), noticing when others are suffering, and connecting with your innate desire to help.

From this perspective, when I’m having a heated conversation with the trustee in a bankruptcy case about my client’s assets, I can recognize not only my own discomfort, frustration, and difficulty, but also my own client’s interests as well as the trustee’s.

It allowed me to let go of the black-or-white way of thinking. In any given case or situation, rarely is one party a complete angel and the other party dark and evil.

Perhaps the most pleasant benefit of practicing mindfulness and compassion has been my own peace of mind. I think you’ll agree with me that walking through life constantly wound up, carrying all the baggage of your clients as well as every angering thing that has ever happened to you as a lawyer is a terrible way to live.

My emotions are less swayed by whatever frustrating, angering event that transpires. In other words, I’m learning to be more equanimous.

So, my dear readers, be a good friend to yourself by practicing self-compassion. Be kind to yourself.

P. S. If you want to learn more about the role of compassion in being a competent attorney, my co-author and I are offering an ethics CLE webinar on this topic this Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. PT. It’s made possible by the National Association of Women Lawyers (NAWL) and Seyfarth Shaw LLP. It’s free to attend. 


Jeena Cho is the author of The Anxious Lawyer: An 8-Week Guide to a Joyful and Satisfying Law Practice Through Mindfulness and Meditation (affiliate link). She is a contributor to Forbes and Bloomberg where she covers diversity/inclusion, resilience, work/life integration, and wellness in the workplace. She regularly speaks and offers training on women’s issues, diversity, wellness, stress management, mindfulness, and meditation. You can reach her athello@jeenacho.com or @jeena_cho on Twitter.