When Colleagues Face A Loss, Say Anything… Even Years Later

There are countless little ways you can help a grieving colleague.

Carolyn ElefantThis evening heralds the start of Yom Kippur — never a fun Jewish holiday to begin with, given the 30-hour fast and full day of standing in a crowded synagogue berating ourselves for past sins. But starting last year, the holiday’s become even more of a downer as I must light a Yarzeit candle in memory of my husband, who passed away from brain cancer 15 months ago — which serves as yet another reminder that all that remains of our life and our bright future together is a tiny, sputtering flame.

I didn’t expect my husband’s passing — or grief to be this way; so encompassing and lingering. I figured that as in the movies, the start of a new season (accompanied by heart-soaring music) would signify that my grief had lifted and that I could move on unburdened. In hindsight, I realize that my expectations, while foolish were also entirely reasonable because even in a society where we — for the better — openly discuss personal challenges like addiction and depression and even making babies, grief remains taboo

As this 2015 article from Forbes describes, it can be awkward to know what to do in a conventional office setting when a co-worker loses a loved one. But the etiquette of condolence is even trickier for lawyers in solo and small firm practice since our relationships with colleagues and clients are often sporadic and may not touch on personal matters.

Like many of my solo colleagues, I’d always felt awkward on the giving end of condolences. Happily, many of us have limited experience with death, and so when we have to deal with it, we’re faced with a myriad of questions, such as:

  • Should I show up at the funeral or wake or shiva if I haven’t seen or spoken with this colleague in a decade?
  • Do I include a business card in a sympathy note that I’m sending to a past client – or will that make it appear as if I’m trolling for business?
  • My colleague hasn’t shared his or her loss – I discovered it on [Google/Facebook/Newspaper Notice – you fill in the blanks]. If I mention it, will I seem like a stalker?
  • What if I say something stupid or offensive?
  • Is it OK to send an email, or do I have to send a card?
  • For how long after a loss is it appropriate for me to talk about the deceased?

Sadly, for the past year and a half, I’ve been on the receiving end of condolences. What being in this place has taught me is that even saying the wrong thing is one hundred times better than not saying anything at all. Still, if you want to do more than simply avoid harm, here are a couple of things that you can say or do to ease a colleague’s or client’s loss:

Say something even if you didn’t learn about the loss directly. I received several emails and kind words from colleagues who never knew that my husband had been sick or passed away — but learned about it either through my blog or others. Their emails and remarks were somewhat tentative, as if they weren’t sure if they were overstepping but were greatly appreciated.

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Show up if possible and appropriate. While showing up at a one-time client’s funeral probably isn’t appropriate, you should try to make an appearance at a memorial service when a colleague loses someone. You don’t need to stay long or even say something while you’re there — and don’t be offended if your colleague is so distracted that she doesn’t notice you. I didn’t realize how many lawyers I’d worked with over the past 20 years and scarcely kept in touch with came to my husband’s funeral until I looked at the guestbook afterwards. Just showing up even if you don’t say a word is enough.

What to do? If you want to do something other than show up, there are many more options. Food is always welcome (if not for the mourner, then his or her visitors or family), as are cards and contributions in the deceased’s honor to a designated charity or one of your choice. If you practice in the same field, or are participating in the same case as your colleague, you can track new developments or offer to make an appearance or handle a filing as one fellow lawyer did for me in the immediate weeks after my husband passed away.

Be understanding. If your colleague has lost someone close, be patient. Your colleague may return to work just a week or two later, but that hardly means that things are back to normal. It’s now been fifteen months since my husband’s death, and I still have trouble focusing, or managing discretionary matters (like blog posts, or bar committee events) than I was before any of this happened. Likewise, if a note or platter that you sent is never acknowledged, realize that your colleague still may not be up to the task. As I know from my own experience, there’s an added psychological barrier to thank you’s because they reinforce the finality of the loss.

Share what you remember, even if you didn’t know your colleague well. After my husband passed away, I received countless messages on Facebook from kids he knew back in elementary school (who apologized for bullying him — something that never bothered him anyway) as well as fellow political junkies whom he’d never met but engaged in heated discussions on Facebook (who complimented my husband on always being respectful even though they shared different views). Those notes were priceless because they showed me how many people my husband impacted and mattered to — even though his life was cut short.

Do the right thing, even if it is good business too. Years ago, a young colleague of mine described that a client selected him over several more experienced competitors simply because my colleague was the only one of the bunch to express condolences when the client confided that his spouse had recently passed away. Let’s face it — expressing sympathy can be good business. And while picking up a new client shouldn’t be the driving factor in sharing a few words of comfort, neither should the possibility that sincere condolences may be misconstrued as an effort to get business deter you from not saying anything.

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Don’t pry about financial matters, but make suggestions. Even though I am an attorney, I was woefully ignorant about estate matters until my husband died. To be honest, I didn’t even have a clue on what I needed to do since the estate documents that my attorney prepared didn’t come with instructions. I finally figured it all out but I would not have minded some advice.

Keep sharing memories. Grief does not have a definitive expiration date. I still miss my husband and I talk about him all the time, even now. I will never tire of reminiscing about him or hearing others’ memories.  

As I have learned these past fifteen months, grief is both exhausting and isolating. Kind words from colleagues and clients don’t make it go away — nothing can — but surprisingly, they ease the pain and make more of a difference than I would have ever imagined when I was on the other side.


Carolyn Elefant has been blogging about solo and small firm practice at MyShingle.comsince 2002 and operated her firm, the Law Offices of Carolyn Elefant PLLC, even longer than that. She’s also authored a bunch of books on topics like starting a law practicesocial media, and 21st century lawyer representation agreements (affiliate links). If you’re really that interested in learning more about Carolyn, just Google her. The Internet never lies, right? You can contact Carolyn by email at elefant@myshingle.comor follow her on Twitter at @carolynelefant.