Justice

We Really Need Tighter Regulations On E-Cigarettes

The problem is, the regulators seem to be focused on the wrong thing.

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(Photo by Jack Taylor/Getty Images)

(Photo by Jack Taylor/Getty Images)

Let me try to explain this to you from the perspective of a smoker: I want my drug, orally, and I want to not die. People want to sell me my drug, which has been a key American business since colonial times, but they don’t really care if I die or not. So what I really need is for the government to force the drug pushers to not openly try to kill me, while still providing me my drug… because, liberty. That’s the entire game.

I switched from cigarettes to e-cigarettes because they seemed safer. I know, I know, the nicotine will make my heart speed up or ossify or emulsify or something. But I’ve made my eternal peace with the nicotine. Undocumented metals poisoning from vaping seems slightly more survivable than the documented carcinogens in e-cigarettes. I don’t know, I don’t work for the Mayo Clinic.

But you don’t have to be a scientist to know that everything happening in this video is patently “unsafe.” (Yes, that’s a link to the Today Show. Yes, I watch the Today Show when my mother is home. Bite me.)

Memo to manufacturers: your product CANNOT blow up in people’s pockets. BETA TEST THAT S**T!

People like Chuck Schumer are demanding “recalls” for this whole new kind of smoke-bomb. But I feel like there needs to be a more comprehensive solution. I favor serious FDA regulation. I know it’s weird to some to use “regulations” and “liberty” positively in the same post, but I think aggressive federal standard will make vapers more free. Again, all people want is to buy the drugs and not die. If there’s a chance the drug literally blows up in your pocket, you’re not free to enjoy it.

The problem is, the regulators seem to be focused on the wrong thing. I swear to Christ, I don’t care if they sell bubble gum smoke juice at Toys R’ Us. That’s a parenting issue. I don’t need the feds to protect my kids from e-cigarettes any more than I need them to protect my kids from running with scissors. I’ll handle that. I need the government to protect me from carrying around a bomb in my pocket that isn’t clearly marked “bomb”!

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I don’t know what the fix is. With regulators worried more about the scourge of smoking and less about the scars of burning, I’m thinking we need some massive products liability litigation. Put one of these vape pushers out of business for blowing a hole in a motherf**ker’s thigh, and the rest will install a fan or Freon or whatever in their vape pens.

And I can go back to dying in the way that seems best to me.

Elie Mystal is an editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.

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