Alternate President Issues So-Called Executive Order Reversing Civil Rights Laws

Just kidding! We think....

(Photo by Ron Sachs - Pool/Getty Images)

(Photo by Ron Sachs – Pool/Getty Images)

Claiming that people of no color, of Northern European heritage, and who are 100% male, possessing only one x and one y chromosome (“real males”), have “been taken advantage of long enough,” a man claiming to be the “Alternate President” issued a so-called Executive Order which purported to repeal, replace and repair the Civil Rights laws in effect since 1964. Included in the so-called Executive Order were Title VII, the Pregnancy Discrimination Act (“PDA”), the Age Discrimination In Employment Act, the Americans With Disabilities Act (“ADA”), and, surprisingly, the Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act (“GINA”).

In describing the sweeping so-called Executive Order, the so-called Alternate President had this to say: “I was elected by the hugest margin ever – ever – but who has ever stood up for my rights? I am not female, have never been pregnant, am of Germanic descent, and have the best, most healthiest genes of any Alternate President – ever! Ever! Everyone is saying so! And did I mention that my win was the biggest ever? So it’s about time that I get some respect!”

As his aides then turned him to face the crowd of reporters, he said that he had received a $25 million law degree from a now-defunct university which, coincidentally, bore his name, “so that I know more about the law than the lawyers – I mean the other lawyers.”

“When Martin Luther King and his brother Don lobbied to pass these BAD laws in the 1860’s or 1960’s – or whenever – they did it just to help their friends in the FAILING and dangerous inner cities. Did you know that the murder rate there is over 90%? That’s why I got the biggest vote from the African Americans. Take a look at what there is called Title VII. A ridiculous law. Why the Roman numerals? How did they get in past immigration, anyway? It claims to prohibit workplace discrimination, and yet look what they are doing to my Cabinet nominees! Just because they are all white (and Ben says he can be white if I want him to be). DISGRACEFUL.

“And look at the PDA – does it cover me? Or any of my Cabinet members (except what’s-her-name – the one married to Mitch?). Or the forgotten American workers whose jobs those chicks stole? No! If some secretary gets knocked – ummm — pregnant, they should stay home. It was Lyin’ Hillary– she was behind this one – why do you think she only has one kid? I have five – that I know of. Only kidding. My yuge hands reflect the size of –

But don’t get me started on abortion – when I grope …” – he was cut off by a surreptitious pinch from his smiling alt-facts aide, who attempted to distract the crowd by pointing to an open curtain behind which the Rockettes – minus one – were kick-dancing.

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Changing the subject once again to his alt-claim that he has 100% poll ratings (“90% of Republicans plus 10% of Dems love me – that adds up to 100%!”) he eventually got back to condemning the ADA, while mimicking a nearby reporter who was missing a limb. Hopping around the podium, he yelled:

“Did I get a leg up when I was hiring undocumented aliens, or a preference when I was building luxury housing for the forgotten rich people who have always gotten the shaft, because of my disabling thin skin and congenitally orange face and hair, and white raccoon eye circles? ‘Course not. And when I tried so hard to enlist in the army, did I get an ‘accommodation’ for my fallen arches? No – they refused to draft – I mean hire me. So don’t talk to me about disabilities and discrimination.”

Changing the subject yet again — to the sagging TV ratings of every reality show on the air and online, and to the “hundreds of millions of real people” he said had phoned in to support his reversal of the Civil Rights acts, he stressed how his action would bring back jobs and make America great again: throwing what he called “all the bad hombres over the wall – or fence” and giving the “BEAUTIFUL” hamburger-flipping minimum wage job back to the American workers.

“And this genetic law – GINA — what genius did this one? What were they trying to pull – preventing employers in North Carolina from checking to see if some tried to change gender so they could use the little girl’s room? And then name it after a girl! Probably one ugly girl, too, wouldn’t you agree? Of course you would!”

“The ADEA is another abomination,” he declared. He angrily denounced “those old mother f ……s” over 60, who, he said, stole the millions of the jobs that were lost in the last eight years, and who “should just retire on their (soon to be repealed) Social Security, just like my struggling Dad did. And the Medicaid – if God wanted people to survive past 60 he would have given them a full head of their own hair – in a human color – for 60 years.”

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When it was shyly pointed out that he himself was still working at 70 years old, and would therefore been covered by the reversed ADEA – which included people over 40 – he looked bewildered for a second and screwed up his face before haltingly denying having said his previous words. “I have the best hearing of anyone in the world – and I didn’t hear me say that!” he blurted out. “So who you gonna believe me or your lying ears! I love the old geezers – especially the ones who can’t see or hear the FALSE MEDIA very well!”

His smiling aide agreed, with a menacing look, that the Alternate President had not said what he just said – and began to blame Hillary Clinton for rigging the microphone, when from behind the curtain someone threw a stink bomb which distracted the crowd.

When the coughing and groans subsided, the Alternate President came back to the podium – his hair uncombed and waving like a flag and looking uncannily like the Russian President, who was rumored to be taking a tour of the internet server room.

“He was only kidding,” he said. “I mean I was only kidding.”


richard-b-cohenRichard B. Cohen has litigated and arbitrated complex business and employment disputes for almost 40 years, and is a partner in the NYC office of the national “cloud” law firm FisherBroyles. He is the creator and author of his firm’s Employment Discrimination blog, and received an award from the American Bar Association for his blog posts. You can reach him at Richard.Cohen@fisherbroyles.com and follow him on Twitter at @richard09535496.