Biglaw

Counterpoint: You're A Lawyer, Not A Sherpa

You're going to work in a snowstorm to suck up, other people are staying home to work.

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White people. (Photo by Johannes Simon/Getty Images)

White people.
(Photo by Johannes Simon/Getty Images)

I am so goddamn sick of hero lawyers who act like physically being in the office is some kind of requirement for being good at your job. “Oh, I slapped on some Redwelds as skis and distended my ulna’s for balance, and I made it to the office by 9:35. Where are you?”

F**k Joe. It’s 2017. We can communicate, instantaneously, across long distances, more effectively than Force users. We have access to nearly every conceivable professional document from nearly any conceivable global position. And if you really need to see somebody, the honorable Prophet Jobs has provided a thing on your phone that literally calls itself FACETIME, as if the name itself was intended to troll Joe’s Alpine Law position.

If you are going to work today, you’re not doing it because you have a deeper commitment to the practice of law than your colleagues. You’re doing it because you are a piss-ant little striver willing to trade efficiency for “toughness.” You’re not interested in getting the work done, you’re interested in looking like you are working. You’re going in to suck up, while other people are staying home to work.

Joe’s position is, sadly, typical of young associates who are trying to paper over their lack of talent with sheer doggedness. But their strategy often pays off, because it’s a position shared by older partners who don’t “trust” technology, and have children who are either grown or hate them so much that staying at home is uncomfortable.

For most people in the middle of their careers, coming in today is just not an option.

As I pointed out to Joe, childless genetic dead end that he is, SCHOOLS ARE CLOSED today. Daycare too, in many places. If your kids are home, you have to be home. That’s how it works in a society with strong prohibitions against child abuse.

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And if you have kids, you are more likely than not to live in the suburbs, outer boroughs, Silver Spring, Jamaica Plain, or whatever Mid-Atlantic hellscape outside the city center you’ve moved to in order to raise your brood. That means you rely on roads and commuter rail to get to work. You can’t just take a zipline from your building to the office like you did when you were 25 and lived only for yourself.

We don’t have the social net OR the infrastructure necessary to help a family with two working parents make it in on days like today. Don’t blame me… I’ve never voted for a Republican in my life.

There are people who have to be outside today. Mainly, those are people who did not have the privilege of investing hundreds of thousands of dollars into their educations in order to score a coveted “indoors job.” You are a lawyer: not a firefighter, not a bartender, not a “student athlete” with millions of dollars riding on your play-in game. NOBODY NEEDS TO SEE YOUR DUMBASS TODAY.

Stay home. Stay safe. Stay the hell off the roads.

And when Joe emails you from the office talking about “Has it ever occurred to you what would happen to my future, if I were to fail to live up to my responsibilities?” — remember that Dick Hallorann would have survived The Shining if he had just stayed the f**k home and left the crazy white people to their fates.

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Earlier: Good Morning, Biglaw! Sorry The Snowstorm Sucked.

Elie Mystal is an editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.

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