Let’s Talk About Self-Harm
Understanding self-harm and seeking help.
I recently came across a study that found that a quarter of young men ages 16-24 turn to self-harm to cope with depression, anxiety, and stress — a trio of mental health issues that can define many a law student and lawyer experience. Especially the first year of law school in which the average age of a law student is 24 years old.
I was not able to find any data on the number of law students, either male or female, who either had engaged in self harm or are currently self-harming. I can tell you anecdotally that I was one of those self-harming law students and then lawyer. Something that until 2013 I had buried deep within my subconscious of shame and stigma.
Fall 1986. I had just moved to Dallas from Pittsburgh after graduating from Pitt Law. Coming from a relatively “small” city to one the size of Dallas was overwhelming. I had never experienced anything like Dallas traffic and the sheer size of the interstates. They seemed like airplane runways to me.
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Driving around in a car I borrowed from my brother, I was continually getting lost and was always late. Finding myself three lanes over from my exit and having to continue three more miles to get the next exit to turn around was my regular routine. One particular afternoon, I was running late for a job interview. I was once again stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and missed my exit. I began to scream at the top of my lungs. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! How can you been so stupid Brian! You’re an idiot Brian!
Gut wrenching screams from deep within. Pain going back to the tween-age child who had been told he was a “dumb bunny” by his mother. Bullied over his weight by other children. Now a 25-year-old “dumb bunny” missing his exit and late for a job interview.
As I drove the interstate screaming in my car, I began to punch myself with a closed fist on the right side of my head. I had no sense of the vehicles next to me watching my “insane,” violent display, nor did I care. I had to punish myself. With each blow to the side of my face, I felt the release of my stupidity. Each blow was harder and harder as I tried to release the shame of that little boy, held so deep. As I finally reached the next exit, I struck a blow to the right side of my head with such force that it struck my side window, causing my car to swerve off the road. A calm came over me. The feeling that I had inflicted enough damage on myself for being stupid. I had been sufficiently punished for missing the exit. The visible bruises being a little too much to explain in a job interview, I turned around and went home. Needless to say, I did not get the job.
June 2013. I am reading an article about the passing of Sopranos star, James Gandoflini. In the middle of the article, my breath stops and my mind starts reeling. Repressed memories come flooding back.
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Gandolfini’s wife described increasingly serious issues with drugs and alcohol, as well as arguments during which the actor would repeatedly punch himself in the face out of frustration.
I felt nauseous and was close to a panic attack. Memories of the missed exit. Memories of the ritual punching myself in the face every time I made a mistake in law school. When I felt I had disappointed my family. When I did not feel good enough in my ability to navigate life. The lies about falls, playing rugby and whatever else I could think of when there was visible bruising and redness.
Why did I suppress these memories? Maybe for the same reasons I did not talk about my struggle with anorexia and then bulimia for 27 years. Shame, stigma and stereotype. Self-harm is cutting. Self-harm is what teens girls do. Grown men don’t punch themselves in the face until they are black and blue. People will think I am “nuts”. Even today, when I feel like I have been a “dumb bunny,” I can sometimes feel that right hand heat up with the urge to hit myself. The feeling that it will solve everything. It won’t.
As I factor those memories into my recovery, I will say that they have made me more aware of how bullying and fat shaming can trigger (not cause) so many different destructive behaviors in an attempt to punish ourselves and reinforce what we’ve been told. Self-harm does not discriminate by age or sex. I engaged in it. Through years of therapy and self-exploration, I have learned that I am not a dumb bunny. I am worthy of love no matter what that teenage child tells me sometimes.
Females comprise 60 percent of those who self-harm. Lawyer Ruth Carter has a history with it as well. “I started harming myself starting around age 8 and it continued into my mid-20s. Early on, I didn’t realize what I was doing, but I knew it made me feel better.” At the height of her addictive behavior, she harmed herself multiple times a day, every day. “When I was getting my master’s degree, I started and ended my day by cutting myself. It was part of my daily routine.”
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“Most people had no idea I was hurting myself,” she said. My injuries were easily covered with clothes or casually explained away as part of being a gymnast throughout my childhood. “I self-harmed in two main ways: I scratched my skin until it bled and I trained until my joints gave out.” It was only years later when I told my former coach that I cut myself that she said, “I wondered why your feet were always ripped up.”
“One of the challenges with recovering from self-harm is I’m always armed,” she said. “An alcoholic or a drug addict has to go through a process to buy their substance of choice. There’s no place I can go to get away from my hands.” During her recovery, Ruth had to learn to delay giving in to the impulse to self-harm until it passed. “I had to learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Usually the impulse and anxiety would pass if I could resist giving in for 20 minutes.” Some of the ways she coped were going for a walk in the fresh air, talking with friends, and doing things that were simple but had a physical component — like doing the dishes.
By the time she started law school, Ruth was in recovery from self-harm, but she still had to be diligent not to fall back into this destructive behavior when she was stressed. “Just like someone might bite their nails when they’re stressed, I’ll unconsciously scratch at my skin. I have to be mindful to catch myself when I feel the heat from the friction of my fingernails scraping along my leg and stop before I break the skin.”
If you are engaging in self-harm, reach out and tell someone. Tell your family. Tell your friend. Tell your dean of students. Tell your therapist. Tell your significant other. Tell me. Self-harm does not discriminate. It happens to boys, girls, men and women including law students and lawyers. Law school is incredibly stressful. Being a lawyer can be incredibly stressful. Let’s find healthy, non-destructive ways to deal with it.
Self-Harm Resources:
Cornell University Self-injury and Recovery Research and Resources
Self-injury Outreach and Support
Cutting and Self-harm. How to feel better without hurting yourself.
Brian Cuban (@bcuban) is The Addicted Lawyer. A graduate of the University of Pittsburgh School of Law, he somehow made it through as an alcoholic then added cocaine to his résumé as a practicing attorney. He went into recovery April 8, 2007. He left the practice of law and now writes and speaks on recovery topics, not only for the legal profession, but on recovery in general. He can be reached at brian@addictedlawyer.com.
