Craigslist, Lawyerly Lairs

Lawyerly Lairs: Crack Your Morning Natty Boh In This Law Grad's 2BR Apartment

Lawyer taking the bar seeks a roommate... and writes a hilarious essay in the process.

By  
on

Some D.C. law grad with a “sweet-ass private motherfucking bathroom” needs a new roommate while studying for the Maryland bar exam and it could just be you!

(By the way, the Above the Law style guide usually requires placing asterisks to break up profanity — just in case your office computer has a chastity belt on it or something — but there aren’t enough “wussterisks” in the world for this listing, so I’m not even going to bother.)

This $1225 for 790 sq. ft. deal is in a brand new building with a ton of amenities, but let’s just let the listing attorney — your new roommate! — explain because this is, hands down, one of the greatest roommate listings in the history of Craigslist which is really saying something. If this guy puts as much into his bar exam essays as he put into this, he’ll be on the Supreme Court some day.

My roommate went and moved in with his girlfriend, because apparently some things are more important than drinking at inappropriate hours and talking shit about the New England Patriots. As such, I need a new roommate.

There’s literally nothing more important than talking shit about how overrated the Pats are simply because their coach refuses to buy into all the dumb NFL conventions that amount to playing not to lose rather than playing to win. But I digress. I’m a little confused at what’s an “inappropriate hour” for drinking, but let’s hear the guy out.

Are you tired of the ever-present “laid back young professionals” who “like to have a good time” but then start going all fucking Revolutionary Guard on your ass for cracking your first Natty Boh at ten AM? ‘Cause that noise will neither happen, nor fly under this roof.

Are we using the “Natty” label for something but Natural Light? Is this a thing now? Because I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.

Sponsored

Have you ever not wanted to put up with busted down washing machines? Or skeevy neighbors stealing your shit from the dryer (Looking at you Nathan, give me back my shirt)? Or grubby landlords trying to squeeze an extra five dollars out of you for the privilege of using their Ford-Administration washing machines (Looking at you, all of Glover Park)? Because this joint’s got both IN THE UNIT, FOR FREE. You can wash things whenever the hell you want, because America.

You can pry my washing machine from my cold, dead hands.

Let’s take a break to check out the kitchen and main living area:

Have you ever looked at your apartment and thought “Hot damn, this place does not have nearly enough windows?” Because this place has windows on windows. In fact, the only part of the apartment that’s not made of windows is your sweet-ass private motherfucking bathroom with a high pressure showerhead that’s gonna blast all the grime of the Swamp off you in seconds. Essentially you live in a glass house, but feel free to throw all the motherfucking stones you want, ’cause we’re up real high and nobody can throws that far. LOL, suckers.

Sponsored

Those windows really will provide terrific light.

There’s that high-pressure showerhead. I’m just going to guess, based on the rest of this listing, that a lot of Axe bodywash got cropped out of this shot.

Taking another look at that kitchen:

If you’re wondering why a guy taking a bar exam would have three jackets out, it seems as though he’s working while preparing for the test:

Me, I’m a twenty-five year old student-debt-drowning millennial stereotype who got a job working in Criminal Defense after number two law school in the country (when sorted alphabetically), went and gave me a law degree. I like hanging out on the couch, drinking beer, hookahs, talking about politics, going out, watching TV, weeping silently in my room in anticipation of Bar Exam results and all sorts of other cool shit. I took the DC tour guide exam too, so if you’re not from here, I can definitely show your transplant ass around.

For those of you too lazy to look up an alphabetical list of law schools — or use common sense to figure out “what law schools might be in Washington?” — we’re talking about American University.

But is it Metro-accessible:

Sick of people thinking “Metro Accessible” means you only have to take TWO busses and wade a quarter mile through a crowd of tourists to get to the Metro. Because this place is a just two blocks from the Georgia Avenue Metro. It would be one, but sorry, you’ve got a full-ass Safeway right between our place and your stop. Rough. I know. And if you’re one of those healthy types that doesn’t like cramming your ass full of preservatives and high-fructose corn syrup, we’ve got a Yes! Organic a block away in the other direction.

That’s not a lot of space for a bedroom, but par for the course in D.C.

Do you want to get SWOLE AF? There’s a free gym membership involved at a place a five minute drive away. Now you can work off all that Safeway food and 10AM Natty Bohs. I know I’ll be going, before the Maryland Bar Exam turns me into some Island of Dr. Moreau Looking Monstrosity made only out of cheap beer, baby carrots, and whatever shit I can make in a crock pot.

I have a Chicken Tikka Masala crock pot recipe that’s pretty solid. It’s really not as hard to make as you’d think.

I’m very respectful of your possessions too. My stuff, for the most part, is your stuff. But if you leave something out in the living room, I’m gonna be like “oh, damn. That shit’s not mine. I shouldn’t fuck with it” and not hide it or yell at you about it, because I’m not a complete fucking brownshirt or a passive-aggressive bag of dongs.

That’s a great quality for a roommate. Not a great quality for a lawyer. If he can’t stand passive-aggressive bags of dongs, he may be in the wrong profession because that’s easily 75 percent of the legal workforce, isn’t it?

Hell, sign me up. This place sounds awesome.

Just a heads up, and I swear that this is the only town where people seem to care about this – I am a Republican, who will occasionally say nice things about our President.

Never mind. Not even a remotely livable place.

(I can’t imagine this guy plans to take down this awesome listing any time soon, but if he does, the full text is available on the next page…)

HeadshotJoe Patrice is an editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.

1 2Next »

Topics

, , , , , ,