Dean’s Note From The Year 2040

What will law school look like in the future after Google, Amazon, and Facebook have taken over everything?

September 1, 2040

Dear Alumni and Friends of the Law School:

Welcome to this year’s Dean’s Annual Report, the first since Google acquired our law school.  While many in our community were concerned by the possible changes to our community by this important development, I was pleased to report on many of the positive developments since last year’s report.

While it is always difficult to account for correlation versus causation, I am pleased that the law school’s ranking on U.S. News has jumped significantly.  While both Google’s algorithm and that of U.S. News are not publicly available, we hope that Google’s recent acquisition of U.S. News continues to be good news for our reputation and ranking.

Rest assured that we will not rest on our laurels.  We continue to face strong competition in the marketplace, although our exclusive use of Google Translate in the law school space will remain a major competitive advantage for our international students, now that the Facebook Live Law School will no longer be able offer this service to its students.  Additionally, Amazon School of Law’s ability to offer two-day service discounts to its students presents some challenges worthy of further discussion.

Other positive results of the acquisition include being able to stream all online classes through Google’s platform, the ability of our students to buy or rent their books through Google Books, increased visibility of our branded merchandise on Google Shopping, and the ability of our faculty to achieve first page status for their scholarship and media appearances on Google Scholar and all searches involving the word “law” or “law school.”

Our students also appreciate the opportunity to acquire the Google Home device at cost so they can more conveniently stream their virtual classes and ask “professors” questions in their homes or through any of their devices 24/7.

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We regret the closing of our Privacy Law Clinic, but are pleased to announce our latest clinical offering on Data Mining and the Law that will available to an unlimited number of our students starting this fall.

Similarly, change has made itself felt to our library that closed as a physical space following the end of the summer bar exam.  Rest assured the beloved library will be available as a virtual hologram for those alums who want to reconnect with the law school or their classmates in any of the virtual Holodeck rooms of the library.

I am pleased to report that our three remaining tenured faculty remain healthy and active despite their advancing years.  Professor Black continues to teach all sections of all first-year classes from her villa in Tuscany.  Professor Brown remains in charge of the upper-class curriculum as well as our clinical programs.  Professor Green offers his beloved seminar on Roman Legal History and continues his groundbreaking scholarship on why a healthy market economy requires maximal enforcement of intellectual property, except in the areas of copyright and data scraping.  His latest article examines why antitrust law should be abolished following the completion of the EU’s groundbreaking case against Amazon.  I would be remiss if I didn’t mention his research was funded by a generous grant from Google.  These stalwart faculty members are joined by over 400 adjuncts and an increasing number of independent contractors who teach their classes through the recently acquired Mechanical Turk platform at a most affordable rate.  We are thankful for the ABA’s leadership in allowing us to engage in these exciting changes.

Students seem pleased by the continuing option to visit the remaining Law School space on the third floor of our historic downtown loft space once for free before graduation.  So far, the outsourcing of career services to Monster.com seems to be a big hit with all concerned.

We are also pleased to announce that, beginning next year, we will use Tinder’s new admissions software, Kindling.  Other schools have been able to cut administrative costs associated with admissions by using this excellent software package.

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I look forward to staying in touch with all our friends and members of our alumni family and seeing you all at our first class alumni reunion through the newly improved Google Hangout.  I assure you all the unfortunate technical problems from last year’s gathering have been resolved.

Sincerely,

Your Dean


TempDean is an anonymous interim administrator and professor at a top 100 law school.  Email him at lawprofblawg@gmail.com if you must.

LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here He is way funnier on social media, he claims.  Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg) or Facebook. Email him at lawprofblawg@gmail.com.