Federal Judge Denies Witness Chance To See Total Eclipse

The judge apparently failed to experience a total eclipse of the heart.

Are you ready for the Great American Eclipse? Today, a solar eclipse will cross the continental United States from the Pacific coast to the Atlantic coast — beginning in Portland, Oregon, and ending in Charleston, South Carolina — for the first time in 99 years. The last time this happened was almost 100 years ago, on June 8, 1918, when an eclipse passed over America from Washington to Florida.

People across the country have made travel plans that will put them in the “path of totality” during the eclipse (including some of our own Above the Law editors), descending upon large cities and small towns where broad daylight will become dark as night and back again within a matter of minutes.

For those employed in the legal profession, there’s a near certainty that billable hours will be low today, as everyone is bound to be distracted by the natural phenomenon that’s about to occur. For those who find themselves unlucky enough to be in stuck court for trial during the eclipse, expect antsy judges, pissed-off jurors, and irritated witnesses. At least one witness is sure to be extremely irritated, because Judge Steven D. Merryday of the Middle District of Florida ensured that the witness will be having anything but a merry day.

It seems that an agent with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives who was a principal witness for the government during a trial scheduled to occur today had pre-paid to travel to the “path of totality” to witness the eclipse. An assistant U.S. attorney filed a motion to continue the trial thanks to the ATF agent’s travel plans, but Judge Merryday — no stranger to publicly shaming attorneys (see here and here) — was having none of it.

Judge Merryday begins his assault by describing the solar eclipse’s prominence in history and in art, later including a footnote that seems to target some sloppy drafting on the part of the AUSA. The government’s motion said the last total solar eclipse occurred in June 1918, which isn’t true. As noted above, that’s the last time a total solar eclipse passed over the United States from the Pacific coast to the Atlantic coast. Judge Merryday is quick to point out that “total eclipses occur far more frequently than the United States claims,” citing data from NASA.

Judge Merryday even includes lyrics to Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain,” where as the judge notes, Simon sings of a former suitor’s attendance at a total eclipse as “probative evidence of his putatively insufferable vanity.” In his conclusion, it’s pretty clear Judge Merryday finds this witness to be similarly insufferable:

In any particular month, about four-hundred actions pend before each active district judge in the Middle District of Florida; each action typically involves several lawyers, at least two parties, and an array of witnesses. A trial prompts the clerk to summon scores of potential jurors. The present motion proposes to subordinate the time and resources of the court, of the opposing counsel, of the witnesses, and of the jurors to one person’s aspiration to view a “total” solar eclipse for no more than two minutes and forty-two seconds. To state the issue distinctly is to resolve the issue decisively.

When an indispensable participant, knowing that a trial is imminent, pre-pays for some personal indulgence, that participant, in effect, lays in a bet. This time, unlike Carly Simon’s former suitor, whose “horse, naturally, won,” this bettor’s horse has — naturally — lost. The motion is DENIED.

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Unfortunately for the government’s witness, Judge Merryday didn’t experience a total eclipse of the heart, and the ATF agent in question will have to suffer through a trial instead of being able to see the eclipse. Better luck next time — which just so happens to be in seven years.

(Flip to the next page to see Judge Merryday’s entertaining order in full.)


Staci ZaretskyStaci Zaretsky has been an editor at Above the Law since 2011. She’d love to hear from you, so please feel free to email her with any tips, questions, or comments. You can follow her on Twitter or connect with her on LinkedIn.

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