10 Downsides To Not Drinking

If you hate being a lawyer, quitting drinking is not going to help...

Believe it or not, there are some downsides to sobriety, so if you’re thinking about getting on the wagon, don’t let anyone tell you it’s all candy and coconuts. Nope, there are indeed some issues, both large and small, so read the below and consider yourself warned.

1.  No break. A few years ago, I read an interview with Al Pacino, and he mentioned that one bad thing about not drinking is that it doesn’t let you relax. I remember thinking it’s not the first thing that would have popped into my head, but I appreciate it now. Before I got my eyes lasered, sometimes I’d take a break at my desk by taking off my glasses and letting out a big sigh. I missed that afterwards. Before, without my glasses on there was no possibility of my doing work, but then after the operation, the work was always sitting right in front of me, clear as day.

2.  Clients figure you’re always available. “Gary doesn’t drink, so I’m sure he’s not doing anything at 10 o’clock on this Friday night. Let’s call him and pick his brain a bit.”

3.  Extra cash. What do I do with all this extra cash?!? I never had this problem when I was regularly waking up to an empty wallet. Now when a sketchy person asks me for money I can’t say I don’t have any cash, because odds are very good that I do.

4.  OkCupid keeps wanting me to date super-religious people. Hey, OkCupid: just because I don’t drink anymore doesn’t mean I’m a religious fanatic. Stop matching me with nuns.

5.  Having to yell “Do you have any non-alcoholic beer?” across a crowded bar. When I was just ordering Heineken, everyone went on about their business. Now everyone turns around. Speaking of which…

6.  Having to constantly talk about it. Sometimes I just want to sit and enjoy my Buckler and not have to have the “yes, that’s right, I don’t drink alcohol” conversation with a stranger. At least I felt that way until earlier this week, when I met a guy named Anakin. He must have to talk about his name constantly. Who names their kid Anakin? That guy was a terrible actor.

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7.  No more blacking out. Isn’t it sometimes kind of fun piecing together the night before, The Hangover-style? “Okay, I remember getting kicked out of this bar, and I vaguely remember a pedicab ride home — or was it to another bar? — and there all these text messages from Sarah, so we must have had a fight, and what is this one 40-minute call with a random number?” I don’t get to do that anymore.

8.  The superiority complex. It’s hard to resist slipping into the mindset that you’re better than the drinkers. If you do decide not to drink, don’t be that guy.

9.  It will make you face reality. I’ve heard it said that drinking makes the unbearable bearable. So what happens when you take it away? Suddenly you’re having to bear the unbearable. Ouch. A lot of people quit their jobs or go through major lifestyle or other changes after they quit drinking. It’s easy to imagine someone who was in an unhappy marriage for many years and only got through it with alcohol, and now the idea of being sober and still married to Billy Bob is too much to take.

10.  Won’t make you love being a lawyer. I’ve said it before in this space: if you hate being a lawyer, quitting drinking is not going to help. One ex-lawyer told me if he ever hears the words “there’s a client here to see you” again, then he’ll know that he’s fallen off the wagon. On the other hand, it may push you into doing what you really want to do. I can’t imagine why that would be anything other than being a lawyer, but to each his own.

So there you have it.  Last year, I gave you seven benefits, and this year I’m giving you 10 downsides. Quality over quantity? Up to you to decide. As I said, to each her own.

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Gary J. Ross is a partner at Ross & Shulga PLLC, which he co-founded in 2017 after running his own firm for four years and after several years in Biglaw and the federal government. Gary handles corporate and securities law matters for venture capital funds, startups, and other large and small businesses, as well as investors in each. You can reach Gary by email at Gary@RSglobal.law.