Courts

Kavanaugh Truther Outlines Pet Conspiracy Theory For Ford's Attempted Rape

Ed Whelan's latest foray into unhinged hackery is a joy to behold.

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(Screencap via YouTube)

Late Tuesday, conservative legal commentator Ed Whelan caused a stir among the content-starved media by dropping some social media hints that he was soon to break the definitive proof that Brett Kavanaugh is innocent of any wrongdoing when it comes to Chirstine Blasey Ford. “Specifically, I expect that compelling evidence will show his categorical denial to be truthful. There will be no cloud over him,” he wrote. “Senator [Dianne] Feinstein will soon be apologizing to Judge Kavanaugh,” he later added.

Politico lapped up the specultation:

Whelan, who is president of the Ethics and Public Policy Center in Washington, has since remained cryptically tight-lipped. But his tweet, along with the perception that he is a sober-minded straight shooter, triggered intense speculation among conservatives and even White House aides about whether he had information that could acquit Kavanaugh.

I’ll allow a moment for anyone who’s ever read Ed Whelan’s work to recover from laughing so hard at the phrase “sober-minded straight shooter” that they just coughed up a gizzard. Seriously, who thinks that outside of the Beltway credential engine that anoints people “serious” because they go to the right parties? Have they tried to read his work? This clown can’t help but trip over himself every time he fires up a keyboard. He makes Donald Trump look like Aristotle.

Last night, Whelan unveiled his can’t miss evidence, and as any devotee of The Practice will tell you, it’s a “Plan B.” He’s found another guy lurking in the grassy knoll!

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Generic white guys do tend to look alike but… really? Anyway, here’s the text of a series of tweets laying out his Zillow-based smoking gun and it’s worth a trip down this rabbit hole for the pure comedy of it (links to pictures omitted):

Okay, I’ll begin laying out some information concerning Christine Blasey Ford’s allegations against Judge Kavanaugh.

Kavanaugh’s home was 3.6 miles away; Smyth’s 4.3 miles; Judge’s 10 miles; and the female classmate’s 7 miles.

Here is a house that is barely a half-mile from the Columbia Country Club. Street address: 3714 Thornapple Street, Chevy Chase.

Who lived in this house? Chris Garrett, a Georgetown Prep classmate, friend, and football teammate of Brett Kavanaugh’s.

She says the gathering took place in a “small family room.” See the family room in the upper left of the floor plan. Someone leaving the house down the stairs and out the front door wouldn’t be seen from the family room.

Garrett was good friends with Mark Judge. Their friendship appears to have continued long after graduation, as this 2012 Facebook exchange shows.

And here are Kavanaugh and Garrett now.

To be clear, I have no idea what, if anything, did or did not happen in that bedroom at the top of the stairs, and I therefore do not state, imply or insinuate that Garrett or anyone else committed the sexual assault that Ford alleges. Further, if Ford is now mistakenly remembering Garrett to be Kavanaugh, I offer no view whether that mistaken remembrance dates from the gathering or developed at some point in the intervening years.

Yes, he just tried to pin an attempted rape on a random dude based on Zillow floorplans and the unshakeable confidence that an aging white guy must have a better grasp of a woman’s life than the woman who actually lived it.

So much for the “sober-minded straight shooter.” As one Above the Law fan put it on Facebook:

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Everyone is goofing on this guy now. Even the usual suspects of right-wing conspiracy trolls took to social media to call Ed nuts:

When you’ve lost Ben Shapiro….

Most importantly, as a defense of Brett Kavanaugh, this bombshell landed with a predictable but still hilarious thud:

Back to the drawing board, Ed!

I wish I could care about anything as much as Ed cares about casting doubt on victims. Honestly, it’s stunning how quickly conservatives are building conspiracy theories to explain away Ford’s allegations when a simple “I don’t believe her” would suffice for their purposes. The problem is that deep down, they know Ford is credible so they’re hellbent on creating any possible alternate timeline to get their man out of this. Something that would allow America to believe her but, you know, not believe her at the same time. The desperation is depressing to watch.

But it is predictable. Two years ago, Ed was on the frontlines of retweeting Scott Greenfield’s wild ramblings about how no one should believe Moira Smith, a woman who accused Clarence Thomas of groping her. He has been on the “denigrate women for daring to feel violated” train for years.

Whelan just issued his apology… for naming a random dude as an attempted rapist.

Yeah… that’s not all you should be apologizing for, dumbass.

Earlier: When You’re Getting Reamed For Saying It’s OK To Compare Gay People To Murderers, Doubling Down On Calling Justice Sotomayor ‘Thuggish’ Ought To Fix Things

HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.

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