Dear ATL,

I'm a 2L, and the firm I'm working for next summer sent me fairly nice and useful Christmas present. Should I write the recruiting team a thank-you note? I'm from the South, where we write thank you notes for anything and everything, but I don't know what the New York/DC norm is and don't want to look stupid. The firm is DC-based, and I'm splitting with their DC and NY offices.

Eternally Grateful

Dear Eternally Grateful,

Once upon a time, I was on the phone with my mom, sobbing uncontrollably over a guy who dumped me. My mother's a no-nonsense lady, and while I blathered on and on about how I should just throw in the towel now and move to a nunnery because I'd never find anyone as amazing, she cut me off and told me, verbatim: "I didn't want to have to tell you this, but remember how we got him that Tempur-Pedic pillow for his birthday? He never sent us a thank you card. Let that sink in." Her words stung. What kind of person doesn't send a thank you note to his girlfriend's parents? A monster, that's who.

The point is, there is a time and a place for thank you notes. If your significant other's parents get you a birthday present, send one ASAP. But if your firm's recruiting team sends you and everyone else in your summer class and/or firm engraved paperweights, you look ludicrous if you send a thank you back.

I'm not saying that thank you notes are never appropriate in the law firm context. On the contrary, if someone referred business to you, it's entirely appropriate to break out the heavy stock paper with the understated paisley envelope and thank away. But cards that say "thanks for interviewing me" or a "thanks for sending me this tote bag which you sent to everybody else in the firm" is just too much thanks. Nobody should be that thankful for anything, ever. I once received a thanks-for-interviewing-me note from a summer associate candidate and you better believe that my first order of business was scanning that lunacy in and emailing it to everyone I know. Don't be that candidate.

No matter how insanely useful the stainless steel pen inscribed with the firm's name, no matter how much you cherish that firm-emblazoned mug, you need to show yourself (and the firm) some respect by reeling in the gratitude, except when it's appropriate.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie thanks his lucky stars after the jump.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

This week we received several requests for advice pertaining to that associate albatross, the firm holiday party. What should I wear? How much can I drink? Should I upgrade to Platinum membership at Equinox? In order to accommodate your overwhelming neediness, this week we're abandoning our typical Pls Hndle Thx format in favor of a short etiquette guide to holiday parties. Hop on board - the Straight Talk Express is about to roll.

Casino Themes. Casino-themed parties are landmines. People lose all reason when they hear that a "Dinner for Two at Rosa Mexicano" or an iPod Nano is at stake, and I've personally seen the power of fake money in unmasking serious gambling problems. I urge those who are likely to get, er "intense" at the fake craps table to calm down, step away and immediately get a life.

Dress Code. The safest bet is to show up wearing exactly what you wore to work. Don't pull a secretary and get changed in the handicapped bathroom into some Dorothy Zbornak sequined tunic. Don't premiere your new Diesel jeans and ridiculous Express bolero-inspired button down.

Drinking Level. The worst feeling in the world is waking up and trying to figure out what the hell happened the night before. While it is perfectly acceptable to get drunk and "do things" outside the office or on weekends at random bars, I strenuously, STRENUOUSLY advise no more than two drinks at holiday parties, unless one of those drinks involves Patron, in which case a drink limit of one drink should be imposed in conjunction with a mandatory party exit time of 10pm. Trust me on this.

After-Parties. DO NOT ATTEND AFTER-PARTIES. The only thing that comes of them is that you will see things involving your coworkers that you never wanted to see and be forever bound to your fellow partygoers with this secret and terrifying knowledge. There is a bloodline.

Happy Holidays!

Your friend,

Marin

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

>Dear ATL, My firm has a women's committee that organizes programs like lunches, networking events, and most recently mentoring "lunch bunches." To my knowledge, the men in our firm are not invited to participate in these events. I don't particularly care to commiserate with other women simply because we are the same gender. Other than one awkward lunch that I was cornered into, I have managed to avoid the all-female programs by virtue of a busy schedule. Unfortunately, I have received an inquiry from one of the "lunch bunch" organizers, specifically asking me if I will participate in the monthly lunch program. I really don't want to participate, but I am concerned that snubbing her invitation will be offensive. How should I respond? Thanks, Hate the Game

Dear Hate the Game,

When friends have asked me to join their knitting groups, book clubs or women's circles: my answers range anywhere from "absolutely not" to "hell no." Why would I want to waste my time reading The Lovely Bones or cobbling together a scarf like some Colonial Williamsburg reenactor? I wouldn't. So I empathize with your lunch bunch plight. Why anybody would want to discuss "How to Strike a Work-Life Balance" once a month, every month, is beyond me. I'm also not sure why women at the firm need a meeting, but the men do not.

Normally, you couldn't pay me to attend a women's lunch bunch, but these are not normal times. If one of the organizers specifically asked you to attend AND that person is senior to you, suck it up and go.* As torturous as hearing about the New Mothers Room may be, you don't want there to be any ill will toward you in this era of layoffs. Don't give them a reason to can you. Just show up. Bring a picture of the hunk you're totally crushing on and a Judy Blume book to power you through.

Your friend,

Marin

*Editor's note: if the lunch bunch organizer is junior to you, disregard above advice.

Elie crashes the meeting after the jump.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

Dear ATL -

I haven't seen anybody commenting about this but I know for a fact I'm not the only one. I was recently laid off by my firm in a stealth layoff. Of course they said it was my "performance," but that is complete bulls*** because they've never complained about me before and I made my hours this year. A bunch of other attorneys were also laid off at the same time - all "performance based." I am terrified that I won't be able to get a job anywhere, because no place is hiring and no place is going to hire an attorney who was fired for (false) reasons. What should I do?

Fired and Scared

Dear Fired and Scared,

Pack a suitcase. Walk toward the nearest window. Open the window. Jump out.

Just kidding. Don't do that. Seriously.

Your first order of business should be to call up people at your old firm and secure professional references. If you really did good work, that shouldn't be a problem. If a prospective firm asks you what happened, tell them the truth: that your termination was part of a bunch of allegedly performance-based layoffs, and that you cannot speak for anybody else who got fired, but that the circumstances surrounding your departure were puzzling at best and that you are happy to provide PLENTY of references and other confirmation that you did solid work and met your hours. Finally, if you're anything like me, sob softly in the shower.

I feel your pain - yours is an unenviable situation and if in fact your firm was using a bogus review as a scapegoat to save face or be cheap, that is deplorable. Listen up, firms: IT IS NOT OK TO SABOTAGE ASSOCIATE CAREERS JUST TO CLAIM THAT YOUR FIRM DOESN'T "DO" LAYOFFS OR TO SAVE MONEY ON SEVERANCE PACKAGES. While firms might think that they can get away with it now, we'll see what God thinks about all this, because FYI he's watching. And so is Santa.

Good luck and have a happy Thanksgiving!

Your friend,

Marin

Elie solves the problems of the economy after the jump.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

Dear ATL,

As a 3L, coasting through his last year of school, I find the occasional moment to partake in a bit of "relaxation" by way of an unmentioned illegal plant.

I'm wondering though, other than a question about this on the Bar application, would I be subject to any type of drug testing for the bar or at my post-bar big law firm? Do firms ever drug test their employees?

-- Panama Red.

Dear Panama Red,

If you show up to work with bags of White Castle or pester secretaries with questions about where your car's at, firms may demand a drug test (based on boilerplate paperwork you fill out at the outset of your job permitting them to do so), and they can fire you without cause anyway. But as far as I know, no law firms routinely test associates for drugs, and neither does any bar-related process.

However, firms do prohibit associates from moonlighting or engaging in activities that would be detrimental to the business or reputation of the firm. Practically speaking this means you'll have to get off Phish tour (editor's note: they're not reuniting, give up the ship) and turn in that ridiculous shell necklace from Hollister. The hemp one, too. God, this is embarrassing.

Since it would have only taken a Google search for you to have answered your own question, I'll take your email as a cry for help and give you some actual advice. You need to lay off the weed and focus on passing the bar and keeping your job. Also, I see you didn't get the memo about how everybody switched over to coke. Um, yeah. AWKWARD.

Your friend,

Marin

After the jump, Marin passes the blunt to Elie, who's wearing a "Take Me Drunk I'm Home" t-shirt.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

Dear ATL,

I am entitled to my firm's medical and dental benefits, subject to a max sum each year. Should I exploit these benefits, e.g. by going for regular check-ups and consulting a doctor even if it's not a serious ailment? Do I cast myself in a bad light if I max out these benefits? Thanks.

Sickly

Dear Sickly,

Every policy has its limits, just like every night has its dawn. Most law firms buy health insurance policies for associates with a $500,000 limit and maintain separate million dollar policies for partners. Does that mean that partners are more worthy of health care than you? You bet. But does that mean you should book a vacation to Chernobyl to see if you can hit the $500,000 mark? That depends on whether it's worth it to you to battle cancer to spite your firm. Which, now that I write it, actually doesn't sound so bad.

For the sake of argument, I'll assume that your policy limit is lower than $500,000 and that you can reach the max without having a devastating illness. Putting aside for a moment how UNBELIEVABLY alarming that is, you should by all means take advantage of the policy even if you're not seriously ill. Get some Accutane for your zitty face or start the ball rolling on that three course cervical cancer vaccination, especially if you don't anticipate catching leprosy before the policy limit refreshes.

In this economy, losing one's job and health insurance is as common as a "performance layoff" at Shearman & Sterling, so get your doctor visits in now. Trust me, I haven't had health insurance for the past 6 months and I would kill for a refill on my Lexapro Celebrex.

Your friend,

Marin

P.S. If you have extra, um, ceLebrEXAPRO, two-way me.

Paging Dr. Sophist....

[Ed Note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

Dear ATL-

About a week ago I was out for happy hour drinks with some people from my firm. I really hit it off with a young-ish junior partner who I hadn't really spoken to before. He asked me out for drinks and I said yes, but I'm wondering if this entire situation isn't a disaster in the making.

Do you think I should cancel? By the way, I'm a corporate associate and he's in litigation, if that changes anything for you.

Sincerely,

The Other Wendy Savage

Dear The Other Wendy Savage,

JACKPOT. If all goes well, you're only two years away from quitting that crappy job of yours and spending your days sitting on a couch watching Guiding Light and eating gummy worms. But before you can live the dream, you've got to navigate the rocky terrain of dating both a boss and a co-worker.

If things go badly on the first date, no harm no foul. You've scored free drinks, he won't mention it to his fellow partners for fear of Megan's Law, and you'll probably never have to work together. Even if there are no sparks, non-billable time with a partner at your firm may come in handy anyway. I once went on a date with a partner from another firm and I asked about that year's bonus and whether partnership meetings resemble Priory of Sion rituals.

The problems creep in if you continue dating and then things go south. At that point any attempts to hide your relationship from co-workers will be laughable, and, depending on whether you work in a corny firm, once you've gotten to third base you may have to report it to human resources and sign a sexual harassment release. Partners and associates may talk about it behind your back or look down on you, but people have been drinking haterade since time immemorial. If it doesn't work out between you two, you can always move your desk, lateral out, or date another partner at the firm.

Look, is it risky to go on date with the partner? Sure, but it's a far greater gamble to date an M.F.A. student (future poverty), a bartender (adulterer), or someone in finance (future poverty). As humble servant of Christ Joel Osteen implied in his Portfolio magazine profile, "God wants you to be rich." And so do I. So do I.

Your friend,

Marin

What does Elie think about all this? Find out after the jump.

Last week, we attended OutLaws: A Discussion With Out Lawyers, held at the LGBT Community Center here in New York. The event featured "out lawyers sharing different perspectives and stories -- how they got to where they are professionally, as well as what went right, what didn't, how they'd approach things differently today, and the specific challenges they faced as an LGBT person."

The panel was moderated by Lisa Linsky, a litigation partner at McDermott Will & Emery. She was joined by Michael Colosi, general counsel for Kenneth Cole; Phylliss Delgreco, associate general counsel and senior vice president at Citigroup; and Roberta Kaplan, a litigation partner at Paul Weiss.

The freewheeling discussion was quite enlightening. You can read about it after the jump.

Yesterday we introduced you to DB (not his real name -- please keep it that way), formerly an associate at Sullivan & Cromwell. At S&C, and in law school before that, DB became notorious for bragging about his wealth and making politically incorrect remarks.

We collected some of his impolitic quips in our prior post, and other anecdotes surfaced in the comments (e.g., here and here). For your reading pleasure, here are a few more stories:

In law school, at a firm reception in the Time Warner center, DB got drunk and started going on about how he was wearing crocodile shoes that cost thousands of dollars and how his brother drove a more expensive car than the partners at the host firm.

At an S&C firm retreat, the same one where he made his comments about the ballet, DB was placed in charge of entertainment for one evening. This included brainstorming for the "S&C Superlatives" contest, which is supposed to feature innocuous, yearbook-style items like "Miss Congeniality," "Best Smile," or "Most Athletic."

The items suggested by DB? "Sluttiest Partner" and "Partner Most Likely To Sleep With His Secretary."

DB once said, to a highly attractive summer associate he encountered in the hallway, "You really aren't that hot. Everyone thinks you are, but outside of here you really aren't."

In fairness to DB, he has his defenders and positive attributes. One tipster describes him as "a bright guy," and another as "nice in a weird way," as well as unusually generous and thoughtful at times. A third raves about his hotness, including "six-pack abs and amazing arms." As for the sexist (and homophobic) quips, they may be best attributed not to malice, but to personal issues that DB is probably still working through.

His colorful comments, however, aren't what got DB in truly hot water. Find out what did, after the jump.

Ah, Sullivan & Cromwell. It's a top law firm -- not just in prestige and profits, but also blog fodder. See, e.g., Carlos Spinelli-Noseda (partner who defrauded firm and clients of half a million dollars through expense fraud); Aaron Charney (associate who sued the firm for antigay discrimination, while still employed there).

When people leave 125 Broad Street, they go out with a bang. Today, courtesy of several tipsters, we bring you the tale of another former SullCrom employee who departed under less than ideal circumstances. Let's call him "DB," short for "douchebag."

(To those of you who find the term offensive, we say: if it's good enough for the Second Circuit, it's good enough for ATL. Also, we use it affectionately.)

During law school, DB developed a reputation "as a racist, sexist jerkoff who always flaunted the fact that he was wealthy." Here's why:

His first words upon meeting his law school roommates: "Hi, I'm DB. I'm independently wealthy."

In a class discussion about price discrimination and consumer choice, he said: "Sometimes when I'm in a real hurry, I am forced to fly coach."

At a law firm reception, he said to the attorneys, "Don't you miss the good old days when there were no girls at a place like this, except for hookers and strippers?"

This charming lad then made his way to 125 Broad Street, where he joined GP (general practice; S&C-speak for "Corporate") at Sullivan. Now, S&C pays well -- in addition to generous base salaries and year-end bonuses, they pay supplemental bonuses to senior associates. But DB was unimpressed:

"My allowance used to be bigger than whatever I earn from this place. I feel so poor now that I'm working."

Read more about his rudeness, after the jump.

It's not too late to get a date for the weekend instead of sitting at home and playing Rock Band 2. Not too late at all, if you don't mind putting up with a lawyer. From Craigslist:

Older Attorney Seeks Younger Girlfriend - 39

Call it a mid-life crisis, but I want a younger girlfriend. I'm 6'0", 195lb., and of German-Italian heritage, divorced with no kids. I'm a former pentathlete, so I'm in pretty good shape. And, I know this is important for finding a younger girlfriend on Craigslist: My apartment looks out over Central Park, I drive a Mercedes-Benz S600, and I wear a $44,000 Breguet watch.

I'm not looking for a "sugar daddy/sugar baby" relationship. I'm not giving anyone an allowance, or paying for someone else's apartment or car. But, I have a taste for the good life, so there will be a lot of nights out at fine restaurants and vacations to warm places in the winter.

E-mail me with a picture with a line or two about yourself. I'm looking for someone in her early 20s (at least 21), slim, white, and knows how to dress well.

You got that? He is not looking for a sugar baby, just a college student that's easily impressed.

But maybe some of you are looking for younger partners too:

Perfect on Paper - 24

Here's the thing, it's easy for people to lie about themselves, or even tell the truth but spin it. Given that, I can make myself look pretty damn good without saying anything untrue. I'm 24, single, extremely intelligent with a degree from a top ten school, attending a top 5 law school. I play guitar and sing very well, I've been in bands and I write lovely little pop songs. I'm cute, in a geeky, part-Jewish kind of way. I write well, I read tons, and I can talk about anything (except for most sports, though sometimes I can fake it.) I can hold my liquor but avoid drinking to extremes. I am funny as hell, with a quick, sarcastic wit. I cook-- once I've made you breakfast, you're mine. I am sweet, caring, and sensitive.

Thing is, the way people write about themselves around here, none of that sounds very special, does it? But there is more. Perfect on paper is boring in person, but I'm a lot more complicated than that. I'm insecure, moody, and fairly damaged-- I like to think of that as the bitter kick that makes the sweetness all the better. I'm also a little bit more sex-driven than the typical "perfect guy." That's probably a good thing too.

I'm not posting a photo cause my friends will mock me endlessly if they see this ad. Of course, I will trade. If you want to get to know me and find out all my dark secrets, just send me an email. Stand forewarned that I like long, thoughtful messages, both sending and receiving them.

Buddy, if you haven't sealed the deal during the overnight hours, there isn't much that your breakfast sausage is bringing to the table.

Do you ever notice how well credentialed people who are single refer to their credentials more than well credential people who are in relationships?

Having cast my aspersions on the loveless lawyers, I'm off ... to play Rock Band 2. Have a great weekend.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

ATL,

I am a newly minted federal law clerk stuck in a small city where I don't know anyone. The 12 hour work days I have been recently putting in have made meeting new people rather difficult. During a recent jury selection, I noticed a rather attractive member of the jury venire. Said juror's questionnaire just happened to be at the top of the stack on my desk. A quick glance showed that the potential juror was: single, my age, and lived nearby. The questionnaire also contained both a phone number and email address. So my question is, can I take the number off the questionnaire and give the juror a call?

Confused in Chambers

Dear Confused in Chambers,

I (luckily) don't have access to Westlaw/Lexis anymore, so I can't see if there are any ethical guidelines governing your predicament, but last time I checked, ignorance of the law was a pretty solid excuse. Personally, I can tell you that every unattached woman I know rolls up to ABA CLEs, Legal Aid Society fundraisers and jury duty with one intention, and one intention only: BAG A MAN. The law might "require" "jury service" but the nowhere is it written that makeup and Spanx are mandatory. If girlfriend was looking good enough for you to notice, she probably didn't roll out of bed looking that way. The lady's on the prowl, so take the hint and start looking for places with dim lighting.

That being said, I can see how it might be HIGHLY ALARMING for a woman to receive an email from a court official stating that while she thought was performing her civic duty, little did she know that another, more dastardly kind of "venire" was going on (elbow-elbow-wink-wink). You'd have to use the old "I never do this, but" line and carefully explain that her incredible beauty was so overpowering that you were compelled to subvert the mantle of your authority, use privileged information for personal purposes and put your job on the line just to see if maybe she wanted to grab a drink or get tapas. Her reaction to your email - flattery or restraining order - will mostly depend on whether she found YOU attractive. So if you're a fat slob, you might want to think twice.

Some of the greatest love stories of our time are the product of ethically dubious liaisons. John McCain left his newly-crippled wife who had tirelessly sought his release as a POW and cared for their three children for Cindy's money. And relationships with associates are practically a requirement for equity partnership at firms. Given your schedule, this juror might be your last chance to meet someone in real life and not Second Life. Worst case scenario, even if she files for a restraining order, you already have an in at the court.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie's response after the jump.

Dear ATL -

I'm a midlevel associate at a big firm in NY. I haven't been on a real vacation in 1 year and 43 days, but who's counting. Back in February I booked a trip to West Africa that I'm scheduled to go on this fall, but I just got news that two of my deals are scheduled to close when I'd be away. The firm will never outright tell me to cancel my trip, so if I voluntarily cancel it, they wouldn't reimburse me and I'd be out $5,000. But I'm worried that going would be a lousy career move. Any advice?

Out of Africa

Dear Out of Africa -

Like you, most associates believe that there are only two options when it comes to ill-timed vacations: go and be paranoid or cancel and be enraged. But what if there was a way to transform this lose-lose situation into a brilliant career move?

If you decide to cancel your vacation, instead of fantasizing about bringing a gun to work, channel your anger into becoming a martyr. A canceled trip isn't worth anything unless people know about your heroism, so change your signature to a quote from Heart of Darkness and then send an email announcing that because you're a "team player," you've canceled the exorbitant trip that you've been planning for a mere eight months. Decorate your office with taxidermy gazelle heads as a constant reminder of your sacrifice. If possible, rappel to work.

If you decide to go, a great way to quell your paranoia and manage the damage is by reassuring everyone that you had a miserable time. Partners love a ruined vacation story, so upon your return, scratch your face with Power Point slides and then mention that the trip was terrific, except for the part where you were mauled by a lion. Twice. The note to your file that says "abandoned team during critical deal closing" will now be qualified by "animal attack" and the partnership will be hard pressed to use the vacation against you.

A few years ago I canceled a trip because of work, and I can tell you firsthand that the brownie points I earned by staying were worth less than ten days in Ecuador, and far less than a trip to West Africa. Firms don't offer associates "vacation days" as a practical joke, and you're entitled to take them. There is never a good time to take a vacation, and it's up to you to have the courage not to cancel. Remember, the meek never inherit anything. Except the earth.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie weighs in, after the jump.

[Ed Note: Pls Hndle Thx is a new weekly advice column in which ATL tackles your toughest law firm problems and provides you with debatable advice. Got a question? Send it here, and we'll pick the best ones for future posts].

ATL -

My secretary is an idiot. She means well but can't do basic things like collate, input edits correctly or cover for me when I leave the office early. She's in her late 40s and a single mom, and while she tries hard, she really sucks. The secretary supervisor has been pestering me to review her because that's how they determine pay levels, but I know if I'm honest in my review she'll get penalized and potentially be fired. What should I do?

Secretary Purgatory

Dear Secretary Purgatory,

Take heart: the good news is that your secretary doesn't have to be a law firm charity case. The bad news is that you have to implement the following three step system before you give your damning review:

1. Um, try talking to her. If you'd like your secretary to edit more carefully, simply snatch the offending documents from her hands and snarl, "Next time can you try not making 10,000 mistakes so that I don't have to do everything myself? Great, thanks." Or, just casually mention that she is doing a horrendous job and needs to shape up or else.

2. Set traps in order to determine whether any improvement in your secretary's work is real or a false positive. For instance, you might ask her if she sent that fax that you specifically asked her to send. If she replies in the affirmative, triumphantly reveal that there IS no such fax and that she's a filthy liar. Proceed immediately to Step 4. If she doesn't know what you're talking about, grudgingly admit that you were testing her but that you're nevertheless onto her dirty tricks.

3. Regale her with stories about assistants who have gone above and beyond the call of duty, like Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire. Renee risked it all for her boss, you should mention ominously as you sit on the edge of her desk. Does she want to be a Renee? Don't wait for her answer - walk toward your office and when you reach the doorway, pause, turn back and say, "I don't know... I just don't know."

4. If you've implemented Steps 1-3 and your secretary still shows no signs of progress, give her an honest review. Frankly, if you suck at your job, the partnership won't hesitate to give YOU a bad review (unless you work at Davis Polk, in which case you won't be told anything until you're fired). The hallowed pyramid structure of law firms can only be maintained if shit rolls down hill. Just as senior associates must throw you under the bus when you screw up, so too must you throw your underlings under the bus so that we may preserve this cycle of abuse for our children and our children's children.

Your friend,

Marin

See Elie's response after the jump.