Joe Patrice

Posts by Joe Patrice

So it’s come to this. We live in a world where the headline “Lawyer Smacks Judge Repeatedly With Flyswatter” had to be written. That jumble of words came together to honestly describe an actual event.

If you’re still pining to live in a world of trial by combat, have we got the court for you. Consider this the logical progression from a world where judges feel free to physically benchslap attorneys in the hallway — because now the lawyers are fighting back and there are weapons involved.

Granted a plastic flyswatter lacks the heroic appeal of Prince Oberyn’s spear, but it’s a terrifying weapon nonetheless because nobody wants to be hit in the face with a flyswatter.

Watch the rise of alternative dispute resolution take another unsuspected swerve off the road in this closed circuit video feed….

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* Latter-day Dan Fielding seems to have used his office to meet the ladies: alleged to have had an affair with and then impregnate a woman he prosecuted. When she raised the issue with his wife, he filed a motion to revoke her probation. This is all terrible, but the weirdest part was having to have her defense counsel in the bedroom the whole time. [Lexington Herald-Leader]

* Woman shot a guy because he didn’t ejaculate enough. The most dreaded words in that neighborhood must be, “Omar’s not comin’ yo.” [Detroit Free Press]

* What caused the child immigration crisis at the border? Turns out it was Free Slurpee Day. Who knew? [CNBC]

* Overcommunication is a virtue. Did you hear that? Overcommunication is a good thing. It really is. You should overcommunicate. It’s good. [What About Clients?]

* Judge J. Harvie Wilkinson III thinks the criminal justice system is just super. As far as innocent people going to jail, them’s the breaks. [Wrongful Convictions Blog]

* A guy’s guide to lawyerly fashion. It misses my personal pet peeve: use collar stays! Seriously, how do people not know this? [Attorney at Work]

* There were a record number of data breaches in New York last year. The problem is the persistent use of 12345 as a password. [Information Law Group]

Well, you’ve got to hand it to them: if we’re going to say that corporations are people, then we need to start subjecting them to criminal sanctions for committing victimless crimes. It’s only fair. So it’s heartening this morning to see that the government has secured an indictment — based on a 9-year investigation — of a major corporation for dealing drugs. Welcome to personhood in America!

And this is not some pharma company trying to get America hooked on the new Prozac. We’re talking about a non-pharma company peddling illegal drugs and getting called out on it by the feds….

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Hurry up, you don’t have much time.

* A company has limited bathroom breaks to 6 minutes daily. Well, gutting pensions and suppressing wages hasn’t caused a revolution, why not let it ride? [Slate]

* A Florida town has imposed criminal sanctions against sagging pants. But Chief Justice Roberts told me racism was over in the South… [Fashionista]

* Who says crime doesn’t pay? [CBS News]

* Mayer Brown wants you to think the Supreme Court wasn’t tilted toward business interests this Term. Yes, we all know how Homer City turned out, but maybe it’s worth evaluating this based on how important the cases were. Is Petrella really equivalent to Noel Canning? [Mayer Brown]

* Not one, but two former Utah Attorneys General charged with corruption. [Deseret News]

* The CFPB brought suit against a debt collection lawsuit mill. A working CFPB. One more great thing we used to get from recess appointments. Thanks Breyer. [CFPB]

* Oh no. A law school tuition Kickstarter. [Kickstarter]

* New York tried to help homeowners facing foreclosure. Unfortunately, the law didn’t create a remedy if the banks refused to follow the law. Well, it was our fault for thinking Albany could do something right. [WiseLaw NY]

It’s difficult to imagine singles anywhere checking out a dating profile and getting excited to see the word “lawyer.” There’s just something about argumentative, Type A personalities who nonetheless weren’t smart enough to realize there was more money in finance that really kills the mood.

And yet, according to the largest dating website in Australia, with over 2 million users, a lawyer is the most desirable woman in the country — her oft-clicked profile ranks #1 among women on the site. She gets around 30 “kisses” — the website’s version of “winks” or “pokes” or “pelvic thrusts” (I think that’s eHarmony’s) — from random strangers every day.

Either Australia is a weird country or she has a lot more going for her….

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Juggalo Washington

* The Insane Clown Posse is appealing their loss in the “Juggalos aren’t gang members” case. F**king lawsuits, how do they work? [Lowering the Bar]

* After losing before the Supreme Court, the University of Texas affirmative action admissions program looked to be in serious trouble. But the Fifth Circuit just ruled that the UT policy met the strict-scrutiny analysis mandated by the Court. The lesson for Abigail Fisher is once more, “How about you get better grades instead of whining?” Or at least “Get politically connected.” [Chronicle of Higher Education]

* Apple agrees to a conditional $450 million settlement with the NYAG’s office in the e-book suit. So you might get some money back from the 50 Shades of Grey purchase. [Reuters]

* The Manassas city police have decided not to engage in kiddie porn pursuant to a warrant. Good for them. [Washington Post]

* “Judges are not deities. They are humans.” Let’s not tell Lat, the shock might kill him. [Katz Justice]

* Maybe it’s time lawyers started looking out for each other. This is a theme we’ve touched on before. [Law and More]

* The hell? Parents arrested for letting their 9-year-old go to the park alone? Suffocating parenting is bad enough without the government expecting it of parents. [Slate]

* CPAs are suing the IRS because the regulation of tax preparers lacks Congressional approval. Because we need more folks off the street claiming to be tax preparers. [TaxProf Blog]

* Lawyer and former South Carolina GOP executive director Todd Kincannon is under investigation by the South Carolina Office of Disciplinary Counsel for basically being a dick on Twitter. As Ken White notes, the First Amendment is all about giving guys like this a forum. [Slate]

* There’s a company with no revenue and no profit run out of Belize with a $6 billion market cap. And this lawyer might be the reason why. [Fortune]

* The discrimination claim brought by former professor Teresa Wagner against the University of Iowa College of Law must be retried. Congrats, Teresa! Celebrate with a round of shots. [Iowa Appeals]

* Chris Kluwe intends to sue the Minnesota Vikings. He has a good chance because the Vikings can’t beat anybody. [Sports Illustrated]

* Judge Judy is suing a lawyer over advertisements. [ABA Journal]

* A-Rod is being sued by his lawyer for $380,000 in unpaid bills. Life’s hard for multimillionaires when the income stream is temporarily suspended. [NY Daily News]

* Breaking up is hard to do. But it doesn’t have to be difficult to dissolve a law firm ethically if you follow this advice. Dewey know anyone who could have used this advice earlier? [Legal Talk Network]

* Indiana Tech law school is in desperation mode. Who would have seen this coming? [Third Tier Reality]

* The horrors of law school debt are becoming more obvious even to non-students. [Law School Lemmings]

* Jon Stewart chats with Dahlia Lithwick about the Supreme Court. Embed after the jump…. [The Daily Show]

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Insider trading is one of those activities that you should avoid. If you’re a lawyer, it’s an activity you should definitely avoid. It’s not really all that hard to steer clear of insider trading either. Obviously there are some murky cases, but it’s wise to err on the side of caution.

On the other hand, there are also cases where the SEC says a close friend of a company’s executive is emailing you and telling you which days to buy because “[e]arnings are being released on the 30th along with some good news,” and “[l]ooking forward to getting paid back. Good luck…. SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Those are the cases where you probably should walk away.

Put aside the insider trading: what lawyer is using email to have these conversations?

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* Man claims his former employer discriminated against him because he was an atheist. Yep, this Hobby Lobby thing isn’t going to have any repercussions at all. [Lewiston-Auburn Sun Journal]

* Speaking of atheists and SCOTUS, the Court may have authorized the Town of Greece to get all religiousy at town board meetings, but an atheist is stepping up to the plate to deliver an invocation. Freedom of religion does mean he gets a turn. [Rochester Homepage]

* There’s an icky sexual harassment story coming out of an elite L.A. school. And they’ve hired an elite law firm to investigate. [Gawker]

* Cops do hear some pretty funny stories when they pull people over. [Legal Juice]

* If you’re out of work, here’s an idea: this solicitor-to-be posted a selfie with a pigeon on Facebook and got an offer — along with a lot of publicity. [Legal Cheek]

* Is the future of legal education online? Perhaps the better question is, “How will law schools overcharge when they no longer have brick-and-mortar facilities?” [Tipping the Scales]

* A judge explains that incest and pedophilia aren’t such big deals anymore because gay people are accepted. Wow. [Jezebel]

* Are you keeping up with Kirby v. Marvel? Because Jack Kirby’s estate is making a run at the Supreme Court in a case that affects billions. Embed below… [Bloomberg]

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Judge Richard KopfNine days ago, Judge Richard Kopf wrote an article about the Supreme Court’s decision in Hobby Lobby that suggested, “[a]s the kids say, it is time for the Court to stfu.” It was a good post, but something that seemed of such little controversy that we relegated it to an in-blurb mention within Non-Sequiturs.

And then all manner of shock and hand-wringing commenced.

It’s not the first time a federal judge received criticism for speaking out. Are jurists like Judge Kopf out of control?

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