Juggalo Law

Posts by Juggalo Law

Morning Docket: 07.18.11

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Rebekah Brooks

* The arrest of Rebekah Brooks over the weekend only complicates the investigation into News Corp. phone-hacking. I like her hair. I only have one question. [Bloomberg]

* What (and where) becomes of Casey Anthony now that she’s out? Y’know, F. Scott Fitzgerald once opined that “There are no second acts in American lives. But Playboy is always a wise option.” Well said, F. Scott. Well said. [New York Times]

* Dominique “L’Dominator” Strauss-Kahn may have had multiple slam pieces on the fateful weekend he was accused of sexual assault. Trois, to be exact. Trois slam pieces. [Daily Intel]

* Some longhair in San Francisco got off a shrooms possession charge because he claimed to forget he had the magical caps and stems. He could, however, rattle off Phish’s entire set list from their Montreal show on 5/9/1998. “Trey was on fire that ni…” the hippie trailed off before asking the reporter for bus fare. [San Francisco Examiner via Gawker]

* More on Cooley’s lawsuit against the internets. [Lansing State Journal]

* The Supreme Court continues to hold its own Player Hater’s Ball with regard to the 9th Circuit. [Los Angeles Times]

* Obama’s pick to lead the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau is the former Ohio AG, a University of Chicago Law alum, a member of The Elect and, most importantly, a five-time Jeopardy! champ. [Columbus Dispatch]

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People Email Me Things

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Got this email in the ol’ inbox this morning — a missive from Jose Baez, the successful defense lawyer of Casey Anthony, who was just acquitted of charges that she killed her daughter (murder and manslaughter).

Thought I’d forward it on to you good folks. Read it if you want. Don’t cost nothing.

From: JoseBaez@——.com
To: JuggaloLaw@gmail.com
Subject: Hey A-hole!
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 2011 05:29:00 -0600

Dear Juggs,

I’m sorry that it’s taken me this long to respond to the thoughtful criticisms levied against me in your post written almost a month ago, when you named me Above the Law’s Lawyer of the Day and suggested I was in over my head on the Casey Anthony case.

In the whirlwind that is my life, I occasionally misplace things, and your post was just one of those things. It’s probably better this way, as I’ve had the opportunity to collect my thoughts and give you the reasoned response your thoughtfulness begs for. Almost a month on, I think it’s fair to say….

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Milk, Milk, Lemonade, Around The Corner…

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Kids running a lemonade stand: victims of overregulation? (Photo by Lat.)

When I was a little kid, my cousin and I set up a produce stand in front of my grandparents’ house. Splayed out on an uneven card table, we offered a variety of bruised, battered, and misshapen produce. From an oblong cantaloupe to a nicked-up watermelon, our “stand” carried the bounty of my grandfather’s patch of land, located somewhere on the Island of Misfit Fruit. My grandmother bought the cantaloupe, the watermelon ended up being thrown at my head, and we closed up shop after two hours of intense dumbf**kery.

I tell you this because my own experience suggests that (a) children are neither cute nor intelligent and (b) kids’ efforts to make money selling stuff are always doomed to failure. And so it was that a band of towheaded tykes got jacked by county officials when they attempted to sell lemonade and other beverages outside the Congressional Country Club golf course, site of this year’s U.S. Open. The kids were fined $500 by the Montgomery County Department of Permitting, for operating without a license.

Let’s go to the tape….

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Fear And Loathing, The Squeakquel

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Casey Anthony

I knew the moment would come when I’d have to watch a full hour of Nancy Grace and I was not looking forward to it. The daytime anchors and hosts had been mere fluffers for Nancy Grace’s performance at night and there were multiple teases to her show throughout the day. For Nancy Grace is the shrieking televangelist of something called victims’ rights. In her worldview, there are saintly victims and black-hatted criminals who roam the earth, preying on the canonized. Previously, I knew she had been criticized for picking the wrong saints. While the Duke Lacrosse case had made fools of many, very few had been as brazen and unapologetic as Ms. Grace.

This, of course, made something like Caylee Anthony’s tragic death a sort of no-lose proposition for Nancy Grace. Caylee is dead and she’ll always be dead and all the wild conjecture in the world won’t change that heartbreaking fact. I planned to watch three solid hours of Headline News last night, starting with the full-frontal assault of Nancy Grace and giving myself two solid hours of cool down with Dr. Drew and Joy Behar.

So I sat up straight on my couch, turned the channel back to Headline News, and steadied myself for the onslaught….

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Fear And Loathing On Headline News

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On Sunday night, I was sitting on my couch eating Chicken McNuggets®, when Lat Skyped™ me. The following is a faithful transcript of our conversation.

Lat: Hey Juggs, I’ve got an assignment for you. Wait, why aren’t you wearing a shirt?
Me: Why are you wearing a top hat?
L: Touché. Listen, I have an idea for a pretty delicious story. Did you read that article in the Times about Headline News’s coverage of the Casey Anthony trial?
M: I only read Mad Magazine.
L: Okay, well, listen. Is there any way you can put on a shirt?
M: *mumbles angrily and stomps off camera to find a respectable shirt*
L: Okay, cool. Listen, that post you did about Jose Baez got some deliciously high page views. This trial is apparently through-the-roof popular and I think I know what you can do to cover it.
M: Go on.
L: I want you to… wait for it… spend a day watching Headline News. You watch the coverage, scribble down some thoughts and… presto! We’ve got ourselves a delicious post.
M: Do I have to wear a shirt?
L: Jesus, what the f**k is it with you and shirts? No. God, I don’t care. Wear whatever you want. Just watch TV and write down your thoughts. You think you can do that?
M: Sure. I’ll be like Marlow, exploring the Heart of Darkness.
L: That’s another thing. Your random literary references. They barely make sense and I’m pretty sure you haven’t read any books.
M: Your top hat’s stupid.
L: Okay, just do this. Ciao.
M: Seacrest out.

And so it begins….

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Lawyer of the Day: Jose Baez, Counsel to Casey Anthony

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Anyone who is a lawyer knows that sinking feeling. The feeling that comes when someone else finds out you’re a lawyer and starts telling you about whatever garden-variety awfulness has visited their lives. They prattle on about who knows what, because you’ve tuned out. But they keep going and the inevitable finally arrives at the end of their embarrassing story. “So you’re a lawyer. What should I do?”

If you’re quick-witted enough to come up with a response and slow-footed enough not to run away, you tell them that there are lawyers with really big advertisements in the yellow pages who could probably help them out. You grab your pizza rolls, Funyuns, and Olde English, and you slowly back out of the store.

This is what you do when you’re wise enough to know that being a lawyer doesn’t mean you can tackle any legal quandary or situation. When you know that there are situations better served by better lawyers. This is what you do when you are not named Jose Baez.

Baez has made quite the name for himself as the attorney for Casey Anthony. She’s the chick accused of killing her daughter, and Baez is the freshly minted lawyer who thinks he has the right stuff to keep her from being executed by the state of Florida.

Spoiler alert: Jose Baez does not appear to have the right stuff, at least in my opinion. After the jump, learn a bit about Señor Baez, his kooky past, and his unwavering commitment to himself…

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The Peculiarly American Anna Nicole Smith

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Anna Nicole Smith (via Getty Images).

During her short lifetime, Anna Nicole Smith managed to sell sex, jeans, weight-loss pills and, with her reality show, a sense of superiority to millions of Americans who could take some solace in the fact that they were not that messed up. She was voluptuous, then she was just plain fat, then she was voluptuous again and, all the while, she slurred her words and giggled through a series of unfortunate events that were all surely her own doing, right? She asked for all of this, right? The deaths and bankruptcies, rises and falls. She had it coming and when her life became entangled in a series of lawsuits, well… that was the natural outgrowth of a life lived so stupidly.

And then she died. Because, of course she did. And the lawsuits refuse to die. Because, of course they do. As noted last fall on this website, the Supreme Court took up one last (?) appeal in the case involving Anna Nicole Smith and sex and money. Except, the Court employs euphemisms like jurisdiction and congressional intent and non-Article III bankruptcy judges, because heaven forfend or something.

As her case flops and wheezes its way to the finish line, now is the perfect time for a look back at Anna Nicole’s life….

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Circumcision, Anti-Semitism, and You

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Ask the Tooth Fairy, son.

The phone’s been ringing off the hook here at the Circumcision Law Desk all weekend, so I apologize in advance if this post comes off sounding a bit distracted. Oftentimes, the intersection of foreskin and law is a lonely corridor filled with nothing but shattered dreams and crying babies.

A screaming anti-semitism comes across the sky.

Over the weekend, the New York Times published an article that did a pretty good job of illuminating where we are at in the pitched legal battle over circumcision. As mentioned at the end of the last dispatch from the Circumcision Law Desk, the forces of full-bodied penises have turned their attention to passing legislation that outlaws circumcision.

As Elie pointed out two weeks ago, San Franciscans will be voting this fall on whether to ban circumcision. And they’re not alone.

After the jump, find out what happens when people stop being polite and start trying to pass laws that outlaw circumcision and, in the process, piss off an entire religion (and blogger Andrew Sullivan)….

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Morning Docket: 06.03.11

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John Edwards

* Barring a last-minute deal, John Edwards will be indicted today. Life can seem pretty unfair sometimes. This isn’t one of those times. [ABC News]

* Civil rights groups have filed a class-action lawsuit against the state of Georgia over its new immigration law. These two have a history. [Reuters]

* Outsourcing firms are creating jobs for U.S. attorneys. Which will make for an awkward next interview for me when I blurt out that I loved “listening to that one Punjabi MC song where he goes lalalalaladoydoyduhduhlalala.” [New York Times]

* An article about non-lawyers owning law firms. Watch for the one guy who gets the vapors at the very idea roughly halfway through the piece. [Connecticut Law Tribune]

Rihanna

* Hey Ladies! Mika Brzezinski is dropping knowledge on your pretty little heads. [The Careerist]

* “Gucci lawyer tried to $oak Rihanna because she’s ‘Caribbean’.” [New York Post]

* The Manhattan DA subpoenaed Goldman Sachs last month. [Washington Post]

* The high price of trying to kill Vinny Gorgeous. [New York Times]

* A divorce lawyer in Yuma, Arizona was shot to death on the day he had planned to retire. [ABA Journal]

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Morning Docket: 06.02.11

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* Former Chicago Mayor Richard Daley is joining Katten Muchin Rosenman as “of counsel.” Which promises to be a boon to their snow-clearing, graft, and patronage practices. [Chicago Tribune]

* South Carolina may be jumping on the E-verify train. Whatever, the sopapilla scene in Charleston was lame to begin with. [The State]

* This article details new regulations of for-profit colleges and characterizes these schools as ones that “get billions of dollars in federal aid but leave many students with crushing debt and credentials worth little on the job market.” As opposed to… [New York Times]

* A young autistic man (who, by the way, can’t paint for s**t) was sentenced to two years in jail for assaulting a policeman. [Washington Post]

* Foley & Lardner is starting its own venture capital fund. In related news, this monkey is totally carrying a puppy dog. [Am Law Daily]

* The Seventh Circuit benchslapped Hogan Lovells over a misleading brief. Judge Posner claimed it hurt him more than it hurt them but you know that’s a lie and why did he have to wear his rings, you know? [Thomson Reuters via ABA Journal]

* Manny Pacquiao settled his defamation lawsuit against Oscar de La Hoya and promoter Richard Schaefer. Buboy couldn’t be happier. [Sacramento Bee]

* A pit bull in Seattle bit off a man’s lip and was sent to a dog sanctuary outside city limits. The owner of the dog has now lawyered up in an attempt to get his dog back. To be fair, “Two Lip Charlie” should have been happy about losing his dumb nickname. [Seattle Post Intelligencer]

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