Juggalo Law

Posts by Juggalo Law

FIRST! Assistant United States Attorney.

First amongst weird creation myths is that of the Mbombo god, who is said to have vomited up pretty much all of our world. Similarly, the story of how this website has been… thrown up is worthy of retelling. At its essence, it goes like this: A boy blogs about very sober legal issues in an incredibly earnest way and then the governor of New Jersey tells him to start Above the Law, The End. I may have missed some crucial details and got others flat-out wrong, but I think the kernel of truth is still in there somewhere.

At any rate, that boy was working for the United States Attorney’s office in Newark at the time. Doing anything on the internet, even if it was super-serious and incredibly sincere, could be considered controversial because of the position. The lawyers tasked with working in such a high-profile prosecutorial role must be seen as impartial, lest the cases they take on get tainted by their online presence.

Which is what makes it all the more surprising that history is repeating itself down in New Orleans, where two assistant United States attorneys have become embroiled in scandal after being caught commenting on not just the law in general (like our own dear leader), but the specific cases that came through their office.

It’s almost as if the New Orleans U.S. Attorney’s office is trying to outdo David Lat in some way. Which, I mean, trick please…

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* Georgetown 3L Sandra Fluke testified before Congress yesterday at a hearing regarding the contraception kerfuffle. In related news, condoms are for sailors. [WSJ Washington Wire Blog]

* A sex tape featuring John Edwards will be destroyed after a settlement was reached in a civil lawsuit featuring his ex-boo and baby mama Rielle Hunter. Which is a shame, since I had intended to include it on Boner Jams ’12. It’s a mixtape of all my favorite boner scenes in 2012. [CNN]

* Republicans in Virginia continue to go soft on the abortion issue, prompting many to question whether they learned anything from the classic Geto Boys jam, Unseen (seriously NSFW). [New York Times]

* The Maryland Senate passed a bill last night that will allow same-sex marriage, making it the gayest state in the Union with a Diamondback Terrapin as its state reptile. [Washington Post]

* A Chicago judge ordered that an attorney who allowed her client to use her cellphone in an interrogation room must go to trial for the offense. When sentenced, the judge is likely to ask “Can you hear me now?” Which, everyone will either applaud or just bust a gut laughing because, let’s face it, that’s just a hilarious pop culture reference by the judge. Good one, judge. [Chicago Tribune]

* Speaking of classic and fresh pop culture references, perhaps a dingo consumed your baby? A little Australian baby-eating dingo law to carry you into the weekend. [USA Today]

Transformative use? You be the judge.

CHICAGO (ATL) — The Associated Press is suing a digital news distributor, claiming it infringed on AP copyrights. In a story posted yesterday, the AP reported: “The Associated Press is suing a digital news distributor, claiming it infringed on AP copyrights.”

Apparently, something called Meltwater News Service has been stealing content from the AP and repackaging it as part of its service provided to clients who want to see what is written about them in the press.

After the jump, learn more about this execrable practice….

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When I was a kid, my father leaned across the dinner table and whispered to me, “Never ask a woman’s age or weight.” He then stole a glance at my mother, who was busy shoveling mashed potatoes into her maw, and sighed. I could never tell whether my dad was trying to offer the wisdom of the ages or making a statement about the tyranny of manners, the clichés they birth, and the way in which politeness can imprison a good man in a loveless relationship that inevitably leads to you watching your 400-pound wife shovel potatoes back like she was auditioning for The Biggest Loser.

And so it was that the Internet Movie Database, aka IMDb, found itself under attack for revealing an actress’s age and “real Asian name.” Kash detailed the charges last October. A few weeks ago, we noted that the woman would have to put up (her name) or shut up (legally speaking).

Well, I don’t want to waste any more of your precious time. The grand reveal is finally here.

After the jump, pictures of an attractive Asian woman….

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Al Davis, R.I.P.

Al Davis

So apparently Steve Jobs died last week? Perhaps you heard about it. Seems like everyone raced to their Zunes to eulogize the man who, quite literally, revolutionized the way we ignore homeless people on our walk to work. Just a whole lot of blubbering and crying and waxing poetic about iPads and Newtons and other fully assembled and ready-to-go computational machines. So yeah, he was a huge deal and I’m not sure how we’ll ever make it in his absence.

It would take a truly remarkable man’s death to overshadow the Apple guru’s passing. And so we can be thankful for Al Davis, who shuffled off this mortal coil on Saturday, slipping the surly bonds of earth, blah blah, whatever. I probably don’t need to tell you this, but Al Davis epitomized everything this website is about. Through sheer cunning and derring-do, Davis committed his life to two things: lawsuits and trolling the everliving s**t out of the most successful sports league this country has ever known.

After the jump, just read baby….

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* Following up on Matt Taibbi’s article in Rolling Stone, the New York Times reports that an enforcement lawyer at the S.E.C. says thousands of files at the agency were illegally destroyed. Blow the whistle. [New York Times]

* Casey Anthony’s attorneys filed an appeal in an attempt to overturn her one-year probation sentence for thieving checks. Poor girl doesn’t stand a chance with that bozo Jose Baez at the helm. [Associated Press]

* Is Bravo legally responsible for the death of Russell Armstrong? Do you know who Russell Armstrong is? Me neither! Let’s read this story and find out together! [E! Online]

* As the only out-and-proud smoker left on this godforsaken website, allow me to say I’m not as troubled by the proposed graphic warnings on cigarette packages as the tobacco companies are. Hastened death is a feature, not a bug. [Los Angeles Times]

* A Gibson Dunn partner is vowing to continue his fight against a Brooklyn bike lane. In related news, this dog would shoot you in your fat face. [Am Law Daily]

* “‘Rape Case’ cop Kenneth Moreno wins additional child support from furious ex.” [New York Post]

* New Jersey schools are preparing for a new school year and a new anti-bullying law. In a particularly inspired bit of casting, George Wallace will be played by Elie. “Bullying now, bullying tomorrow, and bullying forevah!” [Philadelphia Inquirer]

When I was a child, my mom’s friend visited the house and brought her newborn baby with her. Without warning, the woman whipped out her boob and began feeding the newborn in front of me and all of God’s creation. I stared for an uncomfortably long ten seconds at the parasitic orgy, then quickly scampered behind the curtains located less than five feet from the feeding frenzy. As I stood behind the curtains, my face beet red with embarrassment, my mother and her friend tried to coax me out, assuring me that everything would be okay. After an unusually long time behind those curtains, I stomped past the horror and made a beeline to the kitchen. I had to conquer my fear. I was also determined to salvage what was left of my 14th birthday party.


And so it was that a lady filed a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, claiming that she was fired from her job as a teacher because she had to leave the classroom to suck milk out of her boob.

Moooooo-re after the jump!

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* Prosecutors plan to use the DNA of a child born to a 14-year-old girl to prove their case against polygamist Warren Jeffs. I’m fresh out of jokes about sex with children. [Reuters]

* Madoff trustee Irving Picard doesn’t have standing to pursue some claims against HSBC Bank. Sometimes, he would get bored while censoring letters and sign his name Picard Irving. [Bloomberg]

* A federal judge found that comic-book artist Jack Kirby’s heirs do not own the right to multiple characters Kirby created for Marvel Comics. Characters like the Incredible Hulk, the X-Men, Marmaduke, and Mallard Fillmore. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Would Kat Von D have a more difficult time working at a law firm than Deshawn Stevenson? Vivia Chen is here to answer all your Deshawn Stevenson and Kat Von D related law firm questions! [The Careerist]

* The New York Times says Nafissatou Diallo’s public appearance yesterday summoned “echoes of racially charged cases in recent city history.” History does not repeat itself, but it does rhyme. For instance, Diallo rhymes with Diallo. History is a s**t rapper. [New York Times]

* A judge intends to strike the San Francisco circumcision ban from the November ballot. I’d rather be on the beach, but nobody is linking to this, so I have to. [Seattle Post Intelligencer]

* The law firm Bursor & Fisher is using creative means to fight AT&T’s proposed takeover bid of T-Mobile. I’m like Ma Bell, I got the ill arbitration. Ma Bell, I got the ill arbitration. [Reuters]

* That chinless bullfrog George Lucas lost in his attempt to hoard all the Star Wars monies for himself. [BBC]

* Florida’s attempt to scrub intent from its drugs laws was declared unconstitutional. For those taking the bar, you already know this as one of the crucially important aspects of any criminal law. Of course, I’m speaking of Stephen Rea. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Teamsters showed up outside the offices of the law firm Jackson Lewis in order to protest the firm’s role in Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance. I didn’t really read this one. [Am Law Daily]

* A Christian legal group has asked the Supreme Court to overturn Obamacare. Tell Sir Thomas More we’ve got another failed attempt. [Bloomberg]

* “TWISTED Anders Breivik’s lawyer yesterday branded him a maniac who pumped himself full of drugs before slaughtering at least 76 people in his Norway rampage.” [The Sun]

* American Indian tribes are still struggling to combat crime a year after federal law allowed for harsher sentences by tribal authorities. I’d make a joke here, but I agree with Chris Rock. Nobody got it worse than the American Indian. [Associated Press]

* A group called American Atheists has filed suit protesting the Ground Zero cross. I swear to God, if these communists manage to get a flying spaghetti monster fashioned out of rebar placed at Ground Zero, I’ll… I didn’t really think this one out before I started typing. Whatever. [WSJ Law Blog]

* A 15-year-old United States citizen was sentenced by a Mexican court to three years in prison for BEHEADING FOUR PEOPLE AND KIDNAPPING THREE. The only reasonable takeaway from all this is that Mexicans are very bad influences on our children. [CNN via ABA Journal]

* The next court date of Dominique Strauss-Kahn (pictured) was pushed back to August 23. Which is cool because DSK always wanted to spend autumn in New York… sexually assaulting maids. Allegedly. Lat made me add allegedly. [New York Post]

* Some longhaired freak, who surely stinks of patchouli and will be sorely missed by his Ultimate Frisbee teammates, was sentenced to two years in the clink for placing fake energy lease bids in a government auction. [Los Angeles Times]

* Which accusation is worse: running a Ponzi scheme, or embezzling from the Boy Scouts? [Patch - Lamorinda]

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