But it might as well be one. A tipster sent us this anecdote, following up on our Cristina Schultz coverage:
Towards the end of my first year at the University of Texas School of Law, one of the first-years stopped showing up to class. But then she showed up at an end-of-year party for her section, and folks asked what she was doing.
“Modeling,” she says.
“Oh, really? Are you modeling for department stores or something?” respond her former classmates.
“Huh, that’s interesting. Like for a catalog or something?”
“Nope,” she responds calmly. “I go to hotel rooms and men masturbate while I strip down to lingerie.”
That conversation ended pretty quickly.
Lest you find this discussion crass, please bear in mind: An ambitious young woman making her way in the world, with little to trade on but her beauty and sensuality, is one of the great themes of literature. It’s in everything from Daniel Defoe’s Roxana (1724), to Theodore Dreiser’s Sister Carrie (1900), to Jessica Cutler’s Washingtonienne (2005)…
(Feel free to add other examples in the comments. We will add them to our reading list, since we are strangely obsessed with these narratives. Maybe we’ve been reading too much Camille Paglia.) Earlier: The Stanford Law Escort: And She Lived Happily Ever After
Sadly, today’s summer associate story isn’t as exciting as the misadventures of the amateur stripper. Rather, it’s an all-too-familiar tale: summer associate goes to firm event; summer associate gets rip-roaringly drunk; summer associate acts crazy.
But hey, we’ve got to make do with what we’ve been given. And lately you guys have been somewhat delinquent as tipsters. Tut tut!
So here’s today’s tale of idiocy and woe:
I received this story thirdhand, so I can’t vouch for it that strongly. But I’ve heard it from multiple people, and I believe it to be true, at least in broad outline. (If I’ve gotten a few details wrong, maybe your readers can correct me.) [Ed. note: Please see the comments to this post.]
It involves a summer associate at a big firm in Los Angeles (maybe Latham or O’Melveny, but I can’t remember). This guy went to a firm event and got very, very drunk. In his inebriated state, he started to hit on the wife of one of the permanent associates — very aggressively.
This behavior was out-of-character for the SA, a milquetoast-ish kid of Indian ancestry. But he was drunk off his ass, and you know how people can get when they’re hammered.
The permanent associate, after enduring the summer associate’s rude treatment of his wife for quite a while, finally told the SA — politely but firmly — to back off. At this point, the summer completely lost it. He flipped out and started yelling at the associate, repeatedly and maniacally, “I have a knife!” and “I’m going to kill you!”
And hey, guess what — the summer DIDN’T get an offer. It’s nice to know that when it comes to summer associate misbehavior, firms draw the line somewhere (e.g., death threats).
Heh. Who knew South Asian guys could be so much fun? And you thought they were only good for winning spelling bees! (Oh, and getting Republican presidential aspirants into deep doo-doo…) Earlier: Prior summer associate stories (scroll down).
Remember Cristina Leeann Schultz, a.k.a. the Stanford Law escort? The federal government alleged that she “paid off more than $300,000 in student loans, [working] under the stage name of Brazil, a call girl who roamed the country to turn ‘high-priced hottie’ tricks.”*
Perhaps Brazil — er, Ms. Schultz — is inspiring future generations of female law students to explore, um, other professional opportunities. Check out our latest summer associate story:
[A] summer associate at McGuireWoods in Richmond apparently was feeling unfulfilled by her list of assignments for the summer. So she headed down to the Paper Moon strip club for Amateur Night. For anyone who hasn’t sampled Richmond’s professional nudie scene, it’s pretty terrible. I can only imagine the horror of amateur night.
Anyway, said summer associate — I believe she goes to school at [redacted] — got onstage, did her thing… and WON. Sadly, her secret remained safe through the end of the summer, and no one ever really found out.
You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger.
And you never, ever, pull into Circuit Judge Stanley Mills’ parking spot.
Nichole Delameter spent all day Monday learning that lesson while cooling her flip-flops at the West Pasco Judicial Center.
Mills made Delameter sit in his courtroom for much of the morning after she parked in his reserved spot. He used his 2005 Cadillac to block in her 1990 Oldsmobile until he left at the end of the day.
Some people accuse the judge of overreacting. But let’s view his actions in context:
For the second time in two weeks, the Pinellas-Pasco circuit judge arrived for morning court to find another vehicle in his spot. And just like last week, he pulled behind it, parking perpendicular to the offending vehicle and blocking it in.
Last week he didn’t move his car, the judge said Monday, until the errant driver got this lecture in court: “There’s two perks to the job,” Mills said. “I have my own bathroom, and I have my own parking spot, and you’re not going to get to use either.”
Darn tootin’, Your Honor! And here’s our favorite detail:
It was 3:30 p.m. in the parking lot when remorse gave way to anger. While Judge Mills was still working, his judicial assistant kept moving the Cadillac to let other judges get in and out of their spots. But Delameter’s car was still stuck.
* Larry Sonsini reminds us of why we should use the phone, and NOT email, if we’re going to do something sketchy. Also, his spelling and typing skills aren’t perfect. (But by the standards of Biglaw partners of his generation, he’s in the 95th percentile — assuming he typed this all himself.) [WSJ Law Blog]
* Justice Thomas is already hiring clerks for October Term 2008. Congratulations to Patrick Strawbridge, CT’s latest hire (as far as we know; if you know more, please do share). [Prettier Than Napoleon]
* We agree with Michael Dimino: “The more frivolous the complaints, the better the job.” But redweld cuts still hurt like hell. [PrawfsBlawg]
* The indefatigable Ann Althouse doesn’t sleep with her laptop. We’re surprised! [Althouse]
* Going through a Wendy’s drive-thru while naked can get you arrested. You didn’t know that, did you? [Concurring Opinions]
* Raffi Melkonian isn’t quite as down on clerking as we originally suggested. [Crescat Sententia]
No, this is not some random piece of spam we received. You will look in vain for words like “Loteria,” “NEXT OF KIN,” or “V1agra.”
It’s actually a cover letter that was received by a major legal staffing and recruiting firm, from a hopeful applicant seeking placement assistance. Here it is:
I know very clearly & absolutely before to submit my submissional application for the post-recruited requirements that. my status quos will be completely approved or so ratified based on the recruitmental requirements of criteria, as for I graduated from Agro-forestry Realms. Meanwhile I am highly & hugely trying at my best efforts to post for this vacancy with heavily long-desired rayhopes that based on my supreme graymatters plusing with my well-accumulated experiences in working for several foreign-based firms as well as projects, & I have accrued a lot of skills or so specialization in various matters & manners…
I make risks to submit for the aforesaid post with long-desired hopes that you will see through my sensitively & briliantly particular status quos, & I deplore you all to give me a chance to work for your corporation. I confirm with you that I will not make you disappointed & I will prove my supreme liase abilities, hugely Graymatters-accessible triumphancies… & my superiorated talentedness to do my job at excellent duties, & your Firm will obtain heavily & hugely, giantly benificiaries, money, time, skills, to harness for any foremost authorized spheres or so realms in terms of commercial dealings or so business’s affairs kinds of transaction…& much more things if you see far enough to employ me.
Meanwhile I want to use the ever worldwide well-known Prophet’s saying named Archimes 770 BC that he ever said “give me a firm place to stand & I will move the Earth “. For the time being, I am highly awaiting for your far-reaching & well-judged determinative resolutions. I am highly awaiting for your carefully chosen assessment to my special case, & I hope to work for your Firm for a long & sustainable terms.
Yours Faithfully, XXXXX
Contrary to your expectations, this letter did not originate in Nigeria. Based on the applicant’s name, which we redacted, we’re guessing that he (or she?) is from southeast Asia. Notes of Anticipatory Defense:
1. Please do not implore us for being cruel or insensitive in posting this letter. As we could tell from the email chain that transmitted it to us, it’s already making the rounds among lawyers and legal headhunters around the country. We’re simply providing access to it on an equal-opportunity basis.
2. We do not intend to demean the contributions that immigrants — especially immigrants from southeast Asia (like our parents and other relatives of ours) — have made to the United States. Their work ethic and gray matter are impressive. We wish them the best of luck as they circulate their submissional applications here in the U.S., full of rayhopes for a better future.
We are merely using this letter to make a modest point: A thesaurus, placed in the wrong hands, is a very dangerous thing.
Okay, kids, it’s official. We’ve reached Labor Day weekend, and summer is pretty much over. Officially summer doesn’t end until next month (September 23, to be exact). But at law firms, the summer fun is done.
Summer associates are heading back to law school (if they’re not back already). For permanent associates, who got to tag along on lavish meals with the summers, the conventional wisdom is back in force: there’s no such thing as a free lunch.
To commemorate the change of the season in the world of Biglaw, we’d like to bring you stories of some of the most stupid, funny, or embarrassing things that summer associates did while at your law firm this summer. As usual, we need your help. Please send us such tales by email, to tips(AT)abovethelaw.com (subject line: “Summer Associate Stories”).
Please send us stories from this summer. We know all about the summer associate stories from years past, the ones that have become the stuff of legend. Like the Sullivan & Cromwell summer who got rip-roaringly drunk and started hitting on the hiring partner’s wife, before puking his guts out all over the restaurant. Or the summer who, without authorization, blew his firm’s cash on round-trip business class travel to London (and a pair of snazzy sunglasses). Or the summer caught having sex with his girlfriend late at night in the ladies’ bathroom. (That guy probably got an offer — the partners love it if you can satisfy all your needs without leaving the building.)
So send us your craziest summer associate stories. We’ll read through your submissions, pick out the best ones, and share them in these pages. If we get enough good ones, maybe we’ll even have a contest in which you can vote on your favorites.
It’s the Friday afternoon before Labor Day weekend. What the heck are we still doing here?
Earlier this month, we gave Nevada attorney William Caramagno a Lawyer of the Day award. What did he do to merit this honor? He showed up to court late — and, even better, drunk — to defend a client facing a kidnapping charge. A charge with a potential life sentence.
How was the lawyer’s drunkenness detected? By a breathalyzer test, ordered by the judge, and administered in open court. Caramagno tried to get out of it, protesting that there was “no probable cause for me to blow.” But Judge Michelle Leavitt stood her ground, ordering him to “just go ahead and blow.”
Which he did. The result? A blood alcohol level of 0.075 — just shy of the legal limit for driving while intoxicated (0.080).
When we wrote about this incident previously, we had only read news accounts of it. But now we have audiovisual evidence of the encounter. Judge Leavitt sounds a lot like a high school guidance counselor, her voice full of concern mixed with toughness. Just listen to the way she says this line (at around 3:45 in the video): “You gotta blow good… You gotta blow good, I’m confident you know that…”
Here’s the video. Check it out for yourself:
We’ve already named William DiSalvatore our Lawyer of the Day, so that award is off the table. But if DiSalvatore hadn’t already grabbed the laurels, Kweku Hanson, of Hartford, Connecticut, would have been a deserving winner. Here’s why:
Sexual assault and child pornography charges pending against Hartford attorney Kweku J. Hanson aren’t enough to warrant the interim suspension of his law license. At least not in Hartford Superior Court Judge Lois B. Tanzer’s view.
Okay, fine, Hanson has only been charged, not convicted. Innocent until proven guilty, blah blah blah. But we couldn’t help noticing certain salacious details. Check ‘em out, after the jump.
* Immigration judges will be subject to annual performance reviews for the first time ever. Now the full extent of their incompetence will be revealed. [New York Times]
* Attorneys for the deceased Ken Lay begin the process of posthumously clearing his name. Death has some fringe benefits. [Houston Chronicle]
* You don’t need a lawyer to tell you this: Downloading kiddie porn on your office computer is a bad idea. A really bad idea. [San Francisco Chronicle]
* The Eighth Circuit upholds strip searches of juveniles; county detention center officials rejoice. Those guys are such perverts… [Sioux Falls Argus Leader]
Ed. note: The Asia Chronicles column is authored by Kinney Recruiting. Kinney has made more placements of U.S. associates, counsels and partners in Asia than any other recruiting firm in each of the past six years. You can reach them by email: email@example.com.
We currently have a very exciting and rare type of in-house opening in China at one of the world’s leading internet and social media companies. Our client is looking for an IP Transactional / TMT / Licensing attorney with 2 to 6 years experience. The new hire will be based in Shenzhen or Shanghai. Mandarin is not required (deal documentation will be in English) but is preferred. A solid reason to be in China and a commitment to that market is required of course. This new hire will likely be US qualified (but could also be qualified in UK or other jurisdictions) and with experience and training at a top law firm’s IP transactional / TMT practice and could be currently at a law firm or in-house. Qualified candidates currently Asia based, Europe based or US based will be considered. The new hire’s supervisors in this technology transactions in-house team are very well regarded US trained IP transactional lawyers, with substantial experience at Silicon Valley firms. The culture and atmosphere in this in-house group and the company in general is entrepreneurial, team oriented, and the work is cutting edge, even for a cutting edge industry. The upside of being in an important strategic in-house position in this fast growing and world leading internet company is of the “sky is the limit” variety. Its a very exciting place to be in China for a rising IP transactional lawyer in our opinion, for many reasons beyond the basic info we can share here in this ad / post. This is a special A+ opportunity.
When you talk to a prospective lateral about your firm during their first meeting, the conversation can go deep, sideways, and in circles. There is so much to share and discuss. What path of a dialogue can you follow to get better odds of a favorable conclusion?
Consider this template as a model you can use to discuss your firm’s opportunity. This simplifies the conversation and gives you a mental framework so the discussion is meaningful, relevant and moves things forward.
The Four P’s
In my transition from retained corporate executive search to legal search, I saw that there were many levels of complexity in the move of a partner transitioning from firm A to firm B. In placing an executive in a corporation, it was simple because of the linear nature of relationships in corporations. In a law firm, because of the multi-layered aspect of the interdependent relationships that each partner must manage with others, the dialogue is much more involved.
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