I know a lot of readers think we have an ax to grind with the University of Michigan Law School (even though we take pot shots at Head Coach Sweater Vest at every opportunity). We like Michigan. Maybe if more U-M Law students trusted that, a certain student would have come to ATL instead of the police. At least then she wouldn't have been (immediately) charged with a crime for her involvement in a prostitution scandal that also implicated a U-M Near Eastern Studies professor:

The case came to light in April when the student went to an Ann Arbor police station to report she was assaulted by [Professor Yaron] Eliav after they met at a hotel on the city's north side.

The student told police she was advertising sex acts online via Craigslist to help pay tuition costs. For an in-state student, U-M Law School tuition is $41,500 a year; out-of-state students pay $44,500.

The student told police she reluctantly agreed to allow Eliav to strike her buttocks with a belt, but got upset when he slapped her in the face twice, reports said. She said she suffered vision problems afterward, but did not have any lasting injuries.

Even the Ann Arbor police couldn't keep from cracking wise about the law student's
"term-time job."

The rarity of how the case began - with a law student showing up at the police department's front desk to report she was assaulted while committing a crime herself - was not lost on investigators.

"Perhaps she should have cracked a legal textbook before coming in to the police station to talk about this," Ann Arbor Detective Sgt. Richard Kinsey said.

More fun details after the jump.

Look, I'm the last person on Earth to criticize somebody for getting out of the law firm life and following a dream. But I'm a little worried that "Jack," who writes the blog Adventures in Voluntary Simplicity, might have lost a little bit of his grip on reality. I spent most of the morning reading Jack's missives. It's a bit like reading a Walt Whitman poem that's been printed with letters cut out from various magazines.

But, despite his apparent madness, Jack is still gainfully employed as an attorney (he doesn't say where). Law firm employment is of course something that Jack intends to discontinue. He's got a whole plan he wants to execute so that he can leave his job by the end of 2009:

There is nothing inherently wrong with my job as a lawyer. In fact, for several years, I really felt that it was interesting and intellectually challenging. On the other hand, coming into work was a wonderful way to play adult and pretend that I knew all the answers that really mattered. Putting on expensive suits, traveling all over the world, representing important clients, knowing the location of expensive restaurants, etc...were all just a way for me to tie additional knots in an ever-expanding invisible chain of hopeless materialism. ...

And then I started getting...well...bored. The mind-numbing effects of sitting in front of a computer for 12, 13, 14 hours a day 6, sometimes 7 days a week making very rich people even more rich definitely caught up with me. ...

So here I am. Making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year in a job that infuriates me and gets me no closer to fulfilling my potential.

Okay Jack. I'm with you buddy.

But the plan gets weird after the jump.

The 10th Circuit had an ugly case on its hands last week. While all psychotherapy seems mildly sadistic, this case is especially bad.

Per Wikipedia, psychotherapy is supposed to "increase an individual's sense of well-being and reduce subjective discomforting experience." A Kansas couple running a home for the mentally ill had a slightly different approach. It involved a stun gun and mutual shaving of private parts.

From Suits and Sentences:

[T]he Kaufmans forced residents to "perform sexually explicit acts and farm labor in the nude while maintaining that these acts constituted legitimate psychotherapy for the residents' mental illnesses. Moreover, the Kaufmans billed Medicare and the residents' families for the therapy."

Investigators seized videotapes showing the schizophrenic residents masturbating and posing nude at Kaufman's direction. "Eventually," the 10th Circuit noted,"the Kaufman House developed rules that required some of the residents to be nude when engaging in certain activities--for example participating in group therapy sessions, eating dinner, and watching television."

It's like a twisted version of Green Acres. Psychotherapists Arlan and Linda Kaufman were convicted in November 2006 for "forced labor and holding clients in involuntary servitude."

They appealed because the judge in the trial ordered them to avoid eye contact with the former clients who testified against them. The Kaufmans claimed this violated their constitutional right to confront their accusers.

The 10th Circuit "acknowledged the Kaufmans had 'considerable support' for their argument, but ultimately concluded their substantial rights were not violated." They'll be heading to prison for 30 years. On the upside, maybe they'll discover some new psychotherapy techniques to add to their repertoire.

Don't look now: Judge orders accused to avert gaze [Suits and Sentences/McClatchy]
Abuse convictions upheld;resentencing ordered [Examiner]

It's not too late to get a date for the weekend instead of sitting at home and playing Rock Band 2. Not too late at all, if you don't mind putting up with a lawyer. From Craigslist:

Older Attorney Seeks Younger Girlfriend - 39

Call it a mid-life crisis, but I want a younger girlfriend. I'm 6'0", 195lb., and of German-Italian heritage, divorced with no kids. I'm a former pentathlete, so I'm in pretty good shape. And, I know this is important for finding a younger girlfriend on Craigslist: My apartment looks out over Central Park, I drive a Mercedes-Benz S600, and I wear a $44,000 Breguet watch.

I'm not looking for a "sugar daddy/sugar baby" relationship. I'm not giving anyone an allowance, or paying for someone else's apartment or car. But, I have a taste for the good life, so there will be a lot of nights out at fine restaurants and vacations to warm places in the winter.

E-mail me with a picture with a line or two about yourself. I'm looking for someone in her early 20s (at least 21), slim, white, and knows how to dress well.

You got that? He is not looking for a sugar baby, just a college student that's easily impressed.

But maybe some of you are looking for younger partners too:

Perfect on Paper - 24

Here's the thing, it's easy for people to lie about themselves, or even tell the truth but spin it. Given that, I can make myself look pretty damn good without saying anything untrue. I'm 24, single, extremely intelligent with a degree from a top ten school, attending a top 5 law school. I play guitar and sing very well, I've been in bands and I write lovely little pop songs. I'm cute, in a geeky, part-Jewish kind of way. I write well, I read tons, and I can talk about anything (except for most sports, though sometimes I can fake it.) I can hold my liquor but avoid drinking to extremes. I am funny as hell, with a quick, sarcastic wit. I cook-- once I've made you breakfast, you're mine. I am sweet, caring, and sensitive.

Thing is, the way people write about themselves around here, none of that sounds very special, does it? But there is more. Perfect on paper is boring in person, but I'm a lot more complicated than that. I'm insecure, moody, and fairly damaged-- I like to think of that as the bitter kick that makes the sweetness all the better. I'm also a little bit more sex-driven than the typical "perfect guy." That's probably a good thing too.

I'm not posting a photo cause my friends will mock me endlessly if they see this ad. Of course, I will trade. If you want to get to know me and find out all my dark secrets, just send me an email. Stand forewarned that I like long, thoughtful messages, both sending and receiving them.

Buddy, if you haven't sealed the deal during the overnight hours, there isn't much that your breakfast sausage is bringing to the table.

Do you ever notice how well credentialed people who are single refer to their credentials more than well credential people who are in relationships?

Having cast my aspersions on the loveless lawyers, I'm off ... to play Rock Band 2. Have a great weekend.

We here at ATL are big believers in push-back. Tell the partners and your colleagues about your personal needs and desires, and try your best to take some control over work schedule. The firm can survive without you.

But the theory behind successful push-back is that you are not the most important person at the firm. It seems that one first-year associate didn't learn that lesson. He sent out the following "vacation memo," after just three days at the firm:

1. I will depart for vacation on Wednesday, November 26th (the Wednesday before thanksgiving). I plan to return to the office on Tuesday, December 2nd (the Tuesday after Thanksgiving).

2. In case of emergency, I will be staying at [redacted]. I can best be reached on my cell phone at [redacted]. I will be visiting my parents, and their house has a landline [redacted].

3. The secretaries in my pool will open my mail. These are [redacted].

4. I will be answering my own phone at the numbers listed above.

5. I currently have received no matters, though this will undoubtedly change by Thanksgiving.

6. I will send out an update and official vacation memorandum with this information a week before Thanksgiving.

Some helpful advice, after the jump.

[Ed Note: This is the third and final installment in the Curious Case of Randy, a rather eccentric law firm partner. You can read Part 1 over here and Part 2 over here.]

Weeks pass, and Randy continues to be randy. Stopping by my office no less than three times a day. Gawking at the summer associates as they get their lunches downstairs. I kind of just check out.

I decide to ignore him, figuring that eventually he'll go away. I do, however, find myself staring at his chest each time he comes in and interrupts me. I'm looking for milk. Or the emergence of breasts. But I don't recall seeing anything. I think the pills must have gotten that problem under control -- but not the other thing. He's so antsy and manic -- sometimes I thought he might start touching himself in my office. Anyway, here it comes, and I'm not lying.

Several weeks later, as February approached -- the month that I have always contended is the cruelest month (not April, as T.S. Eliot alleges) -- Valentine's season begins. I tend to ignore all this heart/love crap because I think it's stupid. I was never one to send out Valentine's Day cards, even in elementary school. I rejected it. I mean, I can barely say I love you to my parents or my boyfriend; I'm certainly not going to say it to some random person. And I doubt my meatball (non-lawyer, a big plus) boyfriend will do anything anyway.

So I walk into my office at 9:00 a.m., maybe 9:30 actually, on February 14th. There is a large, blood orange, inter-office envelope on top of my desk. I figure it's my expense report or the report of my billable hours, which I haven't met for two months. As I open it, however, a pink something falls out. I turn it over. It is a homemade Valentine, constructed out of pale pink construction paper, topped with an old-school white doily, and on it, there is a poem written by a dark purple crayon. My first thought is, how cute; it must be from my partner's daughter, Rose.

Find out what the poem is about, after the jump.

We like the occasional poo-poo joke here at ATL, but we're torn between amusement and disgust in the case of Cornell Tyler, 37, who is being tried for murder in Markham Courthouse in Illinois. His actions give new meaning to Freud's anal-sadistic phase.

Tyler used sandwich bags from lunch to create excrement bombs on Thursday. He tried to use them on Circuit Judge Kathleen Panozzo, but her deputies took the hit. From the Chicago Tribune:

"The judge said, 'Is your name Cornell Tyler?' " [Assistant State Atty. Ted] Lagerwall said. "He said, 'My name is Self Destruction, but you can call me Smitty--well, I mean [expletive].'"

Tyler then quickly reached down the front of his pants and pulled out the baggie but the deputies beside him pounced on him.

"In that scuffle, he did throw the excrement toward the front of the courtroom," Mateck said. "The judge was not injured, but unfortunately our deputies were . . . adversely affected."

Poor deputies. The courtroom had to be cleared because it "stunk to high heavens."

It seems likely that Tyler's nickname will change from "Self Destruction" to "No More Fiber For Me."

Defendant tosses excrement at Markham Courthouse judge [Chicago Tribune]

We recently offered some helpful hints for new law students, distilled from over 200 reader suggestions. We now have an addendum to our list of tips, based on an ill-advised email that found its way into our inbox. Some background:

Today, all members of last year's Law Review Editorial Board at [George Washington University Law School] -- who have since graduated -- received the unsolicited mass email (reproduced below) from a current 1L student whom no one knows or has even met....

Talk about a great example of what not to do as a 1L. What a way to endear yourself to your new classmates, not even a month into the school year! Can you say G-U-N-N-E-R?

Check out the Gunner's email, after the jump.

Labor Day is behind us. You know what that means: no wearing white, no gin and tonics, and no qualms about sending summer associate stories to ATL. If you have an SA story to share that we haven't previously covered, please email us.

This latest tale, posted below, puts the "MoFo" in Morrison & Foerster. These kiddies are badass. As always, please don't name or provide additional identifying information about them. Thanks.

***********************
This summer MoFo hosted a firm-wide retreat in Napa, first-class all the way -- every attendee stayed in a private one-bedroom condo at the host resort, people got spa treatments, went on wine tastings, open bar every night, etc. Once the bar closed, the real troopers would head over to someone's condo for an after party. The firm covered minibar tabs, so people would stop by their own places and stock up on drinks to bring along. Nothing out of the ordinary, as far as big firm summer blow-outs go.

The only problem with the trip was the tremendous size of the resort. The condos were scattered all across a large compound. Some rooms were miles away from others. The resort provided shuttle service, but often (especially late at night) the shuttles were slow in coming. Very slow. It was definitely a nuisance.

A couple of days into the retreat, two or three summers apparently got sick of waiting for a shuttle to take them to their far off condos at the end of the evening's after party festivities. One of them was sick and vomiting or something, so they had a sense of urgency. In a haze of drunken entitlement (or perhaps a twisted sense of altruism: their friend was sick!), these summers decided to "borrow" a car from the resort's valet to drive home.

They busted into the valet key box and swiped the keys to an Audi A6 -- first-class all the way! -- got into the car, and started it up. Luckily for them, before they could get it into gear and get moving, a recruiter got wind of the operation and came RUNNING AND SCREAMING out of the after party. She got them out of the car; the keys were returned to their rightful place.

But the plans of drunken MoFos are not so easily foiled. Undeterred, they RETURNED to the valet box once the recruiter was out of their way, stole the keys AGAIN, and started up the car once more. This time a MoFo PARTNER saw the situation, ran over to the car, and put a stop to the ill-fated scheme.

***********************
What happened to the summers in question? We don't know for certain, but we're guessing they got no-offered. While creative problem-solving and taking the initiative are usually desirable qualities for lawyers to possess, stealing cars and driving drunk raise character and fitness issues.

Stealing Swiss Miss from your law firm's kitchen is not a good idea. If you're a summer associate, it's a recipe for getting no-offered.

And stealing food from the law firm refrigerator is also unwise. See here (and note the "FYI" postscript).

Does anyone care to guess -- or actually know -- the law firm where this sign was posted?

Reasons Not To Steal Food From the Company Fridge [Midtown Lunch]

The makers of KNOW: The Magazine for Paralegals have another legal publication in the works. A tipster forwarded us an e-mail about a "new magazine for women professionals in litigation."

Imagining the love child of Glamour and the American Lawyer, we expected to see planned articles on hot courtroom studs and legal fashion faux pas. But it sounds like this publication will be more strait-laced. The email announcement claims the magazine will "be chock full of work style and life style balance articles; address women's issues in the law firm and in-house legal environment and offer informative pieces on current topics in technology, litigation and e-discovery."

They're in the naming phase, and are considering the following. Which two are not like the others?

* Women in Litigation
* Chill
* Woman Litigator
* Trial Mama
* American Litigator
* Spirit, The Magazine for Women in e-Discovery
* Equality, The Magazine for Women Litigators
* Legal Women, A Workstyle & Life Balance Magazine

We're not excited by the bland "Women in Litigation" options, or anything with "e-Discovery" in the title. But "Chill" and "Trial Mama" are truly ridonculous. ATL Idol Exley's "Clitigator", or Lat's beloved "Litigatrix", would blow all the other entries away. We welcome better title suggestions in the comments.

Among the options offered, we can't decide which is the worst. What do you think?

Judges who hold people in contempt, or even jail them, for letting their cellphones go off in court -- e.g., Robert Restaino, Diane Boswell -- may be overreacting.

The same can't be said for Judge Janet Booth, of Garrard County, Kentucky. Judge Booth just sent a woman to jail, for three days, for wearing short shorts to court.

This was completely justified. Short shorts do not belong in court. Nor do they belong in the office.

Fashion lesson over. Class dismissed.

P.S. And if you're a guy, don't forget to wear a tie to court -- especially if you're arguing before the Federal Circuit.

Judge jails woman for wearing short shorts [On the beat in the Bluegrass]
Note to West Coast Lawyers: The Federal Circuit Requires a Tie [WSJ Law Blog]

Earlier: Shorts Crack the Code [Dealbreaker]

[Ed. note: This post is by FROLIC & DETOUR, one of the finalists in ATL Idol, the "reality blogging" competition that will determine ATL's next editor. It is marked with Frolic & Detour's avatar (at right).]




A man claiming to be a police detective entered a Longmont, Colo. adult store and demanded to see the X-rated videos for free.

The ponytailed man claimed he was an officer in the "age verification unit," and he had to ensure that the performers in the porn videos weren't underage.

"It was inventive on his part, I'll give him that," said the real police officer investigating the case.

Somehow, the video clerks weren't convinced by the man's business card, which had no name on it. Since the scheme didn't work the first time, the man tried it a second and then a third time...at the same store. Unfortunately, Randal wasn't there that day, and the clerks called the cops.

The man may drive a red Dodge neon, which explains why he isn't getting laid.

This summer associate (or "vacation schemer") story comes to us from across the pond. An attorney in the London office of Shearman & Sterling had an interesting take on appropriate summer associate events.

Legal Week reports that a bunch of Shearman partners and attorneys took the "trainees" out to the bars one Friday last month. As the night wound down, one of the attorneys decided to take a female summer to The Windmill (NSFW). Not a wise decision:

Shearman & Sterling has dismissed an associate in its London office after a vacation scheme student made a formal complaint about his behaviour during a night out.

The student, who has subsequently accepted a training contract position with another firm, lodged a formal complaint to Shearman alleging that she was taken to Soho strip club The Windmill by the associate last month.

An internal investigation at Shearman has resulted in the associate in question being dismissed for bringing the firm into disrepute.

The attorney in question should have done more to defend himself. He could have cast this as a highly reputable outing... or at least a little bit reputable. The Windmill is not just any old strip club; it's an historic strip club. From its (NSFW) website:

Great Windmill Street in London's Soho... where Laura Henderson was to create her world famous theatre staging the first nude stage shows in London in 1931....

[A] host of great British comedians began their careers at the Windmill. Among them were Peter Sellers....

[T]he story of Mrs. Henderson has been made into a hugely successful film starring dame Judi Dench, nominated for Hollywood's presige's [sic] Oscar."

We'd think that mentioning the names 'Peter Sellers' and 'dame Judi Dench' in England would lead to all being forgiven.

Perhaps it would have been wiser to take a male summer, who could have better appreciated the "historic nature" of the club. But hey, you never know. Some female summer associates, far from having a problem with strip clubs, actually enjoy performing at them.

Shearman sacks associate after student strip club complaint [Legal Week]

Earlier: Summer Associate of the Day: Girl Gone Wild

Based on your feedback, it seems that the story of office sex between two Skadden summer associates may just be urban legend. But we don't feel that bad, since it's a story that very well could have happened -- and surely has, in other years or at other firms.

As promised, we're going to make it up to you with a story from our former firm that is similar to the Skadden one. Having heard this tale from multiple sources during our time there, with no divergences in the pertinent details, we believe it to be true (although we do admit it's old, from the mid-1990s).

The story, while perfectly safe for work, does include reference to a specific sexual act (hinted at by the image at right). If this offends your sensibilities, please stop reading here. We try to keep the ATL front page PG-rated.

But if you're cool with this, read more, after the jump.

Judge Deborah Riga has problems (in addition to the fact that she shares her last name with the capital of Latvia). From the AP:

A former Schererville town judge was sentenced to 15 months in federal prison Thursday for pocketing thousands of dollars from her court driving school program.

Judge Philip Simon also ordered during a hearing in U.S. District Court in Hammond that Deborah Riga pay the Town of Schererville and the state about $12,000 in restitution....

She said she took control of the court's Crossroads counseling program and driving school and set up a bank account in which she secretly had an interest.

Through that, she received about $12,000 in payments from the court's defendants. She also stopped paying rent to the town for her courtroom and made the town pay court employees who should have been paid out of the Crossroads program, Riga has said.

A court with an affiliated driving school? Judges who have to pay rent for their courtrooms? State and local courts can be so darn... weird.

Read more about Judge Riga at the Indiana Law Blog. Apparently her 15-month sentence was "substantially less time than she could have received for sending more than 1,000 of her defendants into programs from which she personally profited."

Ind. Courts - More on: "Former Schererville judge to be sentenced today" [Indiana Law Blog]
Judge kept money from court program [AP]

This may not happen to men, but many a woman has put on an outfit and discovered later that it is more sheer than she realized in the dim light of her home. In sunlight, or in an office's bright fluorescent glow, the underthings suddenly become visible -- if one is lucky enough to be wearing underthings. Usually, a good friend will point this out to the inadvertently scandalously-clad woman.

A reader sent us an excerpt from a recent deposition transcript, currently making the rounds by email, which apparently captures an occurrence of just this sort. It seems that the not-to-be-named lawyer, aka "Ms. B" (pictured), did not have a good friend to point out the sheerness of her attire.

Instead, an expert witness did so, at the end of a long deposition. Then "Ms. G," counsel to the witness, echoed her client's concerns.

The exchange got a little testy. Check out the depo transcript, after the jump.

Gopalan Nair is a Singapore lawyer turned U.S. citizen and blogger. He runs the blog Singapore Dissident.

The lesson we've learned from his story: when we launch AboveTheLaw - Singapore, we'll need to drop the Judge of the Day feature. Nair has been arrested in Singapore for "insulting a public servant".

According to a court document, Nair is charged with insulting Justice Belinda Ang Saw Ean last Thursday by sending an email which said she "was throughout prostituting herself during the entire proceedings, by being nothing more than an employee of Mr Lee Kuan Yew and his son and carrying out their orders".

Nair's lawyer Chia said the comments essentially repeated those Nair made in a recent blog about a defamation case filed by Singapore's leaders against an opposition party and its members.

In the blog, Nair strongly criticised a three-day legal hearing last week at which Singapore founding father Lee Kuan Yew and his son, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong, testified.

In another post on his blog Saturday, Nair taunted authorities, saying he was in Singapore at a particular hotel, and also gave his phone number.

"I am now within your jurisdiction... What are you going to do about it?" Nair wrote.

Arrest you and charge you, that's what. Another lesson learned: Don't go to Singapore and issue a "nah nah nah boo boo" on your blog. Free speech is better practiced without giving your exact coordinates.

US blogger charged in Singapore over 'prostituting' comment [Breitbart]

Today's Lawyer of the Day would have had a great "Behind the Music" story, if only had his ploy worked. From Friday's Chicago Tribune:

A lawyer was booted from the Cook County Criminal Courts Building today after attempting to foist his own music CD on R. Kelly in the courtroom where his trial is taking place.

Attorney Mike Roman approached Kelly on Friday morning while the singer was sitting alone at the defense table. With his lawyers and the prosecutors meeting privately in the judge's chambers, the R&B superstar was left to fend off the man's overture.

Roman -- a local criminal-defense lawyer who fronts the Latin rock band, Mike Roman and the Tellstars, in his spare time -- offered Kelly a free copy of his CD "Cha Cha Time." Kelly, 41, is considered one of the music industry's most prolific songwriters and producers....

"I'm a lawyer and I'm musician," Roman told the authorities. "What's wrong with that?"

Do you really want us to answer that? We've been to your website.

Roman cooperated with his removal -- but not before trying to sell a "Cha Cha Time" CD to one of Kelly's defense attorneys for $15.

From the snippets on Mike Roman and The Tellstars website, we doubt R. Kelly would have dug the music even if he'd taken the cd.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Cha Cha time."

Attorney's musical overture hits sour note [Chicago Tribune]

BIG announcement. A magazine designed for paralegals is launching next month. It's called KNOW -- a strangely generic title. The full name is "KNOW: The Magazine for Paralegals." It's not to be confused with KNOW: The Science Magazine for Curious Kids.

As a former paralegal, I am fairly certain I would not have read this magazine. But I was one of those fresh-faced university grads trying to figure out whether I wanted to go to law school, and was not planning to be a career paralegal gal.

According to the promo, KNOW is an "outside-the-box, informative magazine balancing workstyle and life balance for paralegals." Here are some of the articles planned for the first issue:

Famous TV Stars: What Fans Don't Know About These Former Paralegals

Work Less, Earn More: Can You Ditch the 24/7 Stressful Routine?

The 10 Most Influential Paralegals in the Country

Trends Guaranteed to Change the Paralegal Profession

Diversity's Little Secret: Are Caucasian Paralegals Doing Enough to Support African-American Paralegals?

Paralegals Succeeding Against All the Odds

Navigating a Male-Dominated Industry

In terms of industry niche publications, they've hit all the hot topics in the first issue: celebrities, diversity, and gender. Where do you go from there? We suggest an article ranking paralegal schools.

We're skeptical. But we'll pose the question to our paralegal readers. What do you think? Have you been wondering about how to succeed against all odds? Or whether Caucasian Paralegals are doing enough to support their African-American comrades in arms?

Update: We invite you to suggest article subjects for future issues of KNOW magazine, in the comments. E.g.: "Life beyond Paralegaling: Turning that Senior Partner's 'Stain' into a Multi-Million Dollar Child Support Settlement."

New Magazine for Paralegals [Estrin Report]