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Dealing With Difficult Opposing Counsel: How To Keep Your Cool When Negotiations Get Heated

Whether it’s hammering out a plea bargain in the court hallway or a three-day contract negotiation for a giant corporate merger, interactions with opposing counsel can be stressful, challenging, and even downright hostile.

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Does your heart sink when an email lands in your inbox from opposing counsel? You’re not alone. Most of my clients who have to interact with opposing counsel report that those conversations are one of the most anxiety-producing parts of their job.

Whether it’s hammering out a plea bargain in the court hallway or a three-day contract negotiation for a giant corporate merger, interactions with opposing counsel can be stressful, challenging, and even downright hostile.

It’s tempting to think that this is all opposing counsel’s fault. It’s easy to believe that if they weren’t so aggressive or so condescending or so stubborn, you would feel better about your interactions and get more accomplished. And who knows, maybe that’s true.

But here’s the problem: Opposing counsel isn’t going to change. Unlike your spouse or your friends or maybe even your colleagues, you have zero claim on this person’s loyalty or affections.

Moreover, from their perspective, everything you are objecting to (their attitude, their inflexibility, their attempts to bully you) is actually a crucial part of them doing their job. From their perspective, in representing their clients, they “should” be doing exactly what they are doing. So they aren’t going to change.

But here’s the good news: They don’t have to. You can feel better even if opposing counsel acts exactly the way they are acting from now until kingdom come.

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Let me explain.

The reason you find interactions with opposing counsel unpleasant is because of what you’re thinking about their behavior (it’s unnecessary, it’s obnoxious, it’s mean). But that’s good news, because it’s also the solution to changing how those interactions feel. You can either resign yourself to stress, anxiety, and heartburn every time you have to interact with them, or you can start paying attention to what you are thinking and feeling when opposing counsel calls, emails, or tracks you down in person.

Let’s work through an example. You’re at a deposition, and opposing counsel keeps saying “Objection, Irrelevant.” Over and over, even though you can’t actually make a relevance objection during a deposition. You know that, he probably knows that, but he keeps saying it.

What happens? Maybe your face flushes and you feel a sinking in your stomach. That’s shame.

And what causes those feelings? Your thoughts.

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Before you were even aware of it, your brain responded to opposing counsel’s admonition with a series of thoughts:

“I’m doing something wrong. If I were managing this better he wouldn’t be doing this.”

“He thinks he can intimidate me because he can tell I’m inexperienced.” 

“Shit, I’m screwing this up.”

Or maybe your heart started pounding and you found it a little harder to breath. That’s anxiety. What caused those feelings? You guessed it, your thoughts. Maybe you were thinking:

“I’m never going to be successful if I can’t even handle a deposition.”

“When the partner finds out about this he’s going to think I can’t handle interacting with opposing counsel.”

“If I get flustered and make a mistake it’s going to reflect poorly on me.”

Or maybe you started to feel hot all over and your heart started pounding in your ears. That’s anger.

And what made you feel that way? Let’s say it all together now: YOUR THOUGHTS.

What an asshole. 

How dare he speak to me that way.

He knows he can’t make that objection and he’s just trying to screw with me.

Each of these thoughts – or one of the thousands other similar thoughts you might have – causes a particular feeling. So when you interact with opposing counsel and you feel ashamed, anxious, or angry, it’s not because of opposing counsel. It’s because of your thoughts about what opposing counsel is saying.

And how do we know that’s true? Well a couple of ways.

First, I bet you know someone in your office who is unflappable. They don’t care when opposing counsel yells at them, they never get mad, and they don’t take anything personally. They hear the same things from the other side that you hear, but they just never get upset.

It’s not that they are superhuman. Or subhuman for that matter.

It’s that they don’t think the same thoughts about opposing counsel you think that cause anxiety, shame and anger for you.

The good news is that means you can learn to be like them if you want. You just have to change the way you’re thinking. Imagine how you would feel about opposing counsel if your thoughts were more like the following:

He’s all bluff. 

It’s his job to show off for his client.

I’m handling this like a pro.

There’s nothing to worry about here.

I know I’m doing a good job.

This is how it’s supposed to go.

Read those over. Do any of them make you feel like running away or hiding under the table? Probably not, because those are thoughts that produce the feelings of confidence, calm, and capability.

So here’s your assignment. Pick one of those thoughts above, write it on a post it note, and stick it to your computer. Next time you interact with opposing counsel notice what you are thinking and feeling, and practice the new thought instead. I promise if you practice this skill you’ll be feeling calm and cool in no time.

Kara Loewentheil is a former litigator and academic who now runs a boutique life coaching practice for law students and lawyers. Intimately acquainted with the unique challenges lawyers face in their professional careers and personal lives, Kara teaches her clients cognitive-based techniques for dealing with stress, anxiety, and lawyer brain so that they can build the lives and careers they want.  Kara works with individuals, law schools, and law firms to improve productivity, efficiency, job satisfaction, and professional development at all stages of a legal career. You can find out more – and access a free guide to dealing with lawyer stress – at her website, www.redesignyourmind.com. She is also the host of a new podcast, The Lawyer Stress Solution, which will be available on iTunes in April 2017!

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