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Taking “Should” Out Of Your Vocabulary

Somewhere along the way, I’ve come to see that looking at any action--past, present, or future--from the lens of "should" is rarely helpful.

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For a while, the word “should” has made me shudder.  We use it as a regular expression when it comes to how we ought to spend our time: “I should write this article tonight,” or “I should go to this networking event.” We also frequently use it to frame the past, as in, “I should have left that relationship long ago,” or “I shouldn’t have had so much to drink last night.”  And, if we’re honest, we use it as a way to classify our emotions as good or bad: “I should/shouldn’t feel this way.”

Can you see that, after each of those (almost) complete sentences above, they could easily become compound sentences that are chock-full of truth if you just add a comma and the word “but”?  “I should write this article tonight, but I’d rather spend time with friends,” or “I should have left that relationship long ago, but I stayed for five years,” or “I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.”  

Somewhere along the way, I’ve come to see that looking at any action–past, present, or future–from the lens of “should” is rarely helpful (***unless we’re talking about legal, ethical, or professional obligations–in which case, please please please follow the law, don’t steal money from your clients, go to court when you’re supposed to be there, etc.). Because when we’re busy “should-ing ourselves,” we deny the truth of what is happening right here, right now, in the present moment (the unspoken “but” part of the sentence). I’ll give you some examples:

  • Past. I should have or shouldn’t have done something last week/month/year. I picked up the phrase “intelligent regret” from a wonderful book (“How Yoga Works” by Michael Roach). I love this phrase because unlike regular (dumb) regret, intelligent regret doesn’t mean looking back at the past with remorse, and sighing, crying, or beating yourself up about it. Intelligent regret is a lens of clarity to look at “mistakes” you made. So that rather than wallowing in shame around what happened and wishing you had done something differently, you can use those feelings of shame, guilt, anger, etc. as fuel to see how you would like to approach things next time. “Should” has no place with respect to the past if you’re willing to learn from your past actions or inactions.  
  • Present. I should be feeling/doing/experiencing something other than what I’m feeling/doing/experiencing right now. Let’s take a food example for this one. You’re at a restaurant with a friend, and you really, really, really want a burger (or some other food you thoroughly enjoy). You tell yourself, “I should get a salad,” but when the server comes, you blurt without thinking, “I’ll have the burger.” Then the burger comes, and with each bite, you think “I should be eating a salad right now” and berate yourself for making that decision. How in the world can you really enjoy the burger that is on your plate, that juicy first bite that inevitably dribbles down your chin, and French fries that inevitably go with it, if you are constantly telling yourself that you should be eating that salad, or that you’re fat, or that you’re going to have a heart attack? For goodness sakes, just enjoy the burger. And by the burger, I mean each moment that is right here, right now. When we spend all that time in our heads, with our minds telling us that we should be feeling/doing/experiencing something other than what we are right now, we’re missing out on the chance to fully feel/do/experience this moment.
  • Future: I should accomplish [xyz] by Date A. First, let me distinguish “goals” from “shoulds.” Goals are markers to which we aspire; “shoulds” are goals with guilt and shame attached if we don’t reach them. I’ve dated several entrepreneurs, all of whom put tremendous pressure on themselves to succeed. One in particular had an idea that he had to make his first million dollars by age 30. As he approached that silly age landmark, I watched him deteriorate in spirit and emotionally self-flagellate for not being close to that elusive $1 million. “Should” turns into a scarlet letter of shame if we don’t reach our goals. I work with clients all the time with meeting their career goals, weight loss goals, goals for self-development, etc. But those goals just serve as a guidepost to help me motivate them, and I never motivate people to change and grow by telling them that what they’ve done is not good enough. Rather, motivation for change comes from shining a light on what they have accomplished, by looking at what has worked for them and what hasn’t worked (intelligent regret), and helping them create (and revise, if necessary) goals that are clear, actionable and sustainable so they can find a path forward without guilt and shame. When you look toward the future, everything is much more spacious if you take “should” out of it and see what unfolds.

Yes, we need rules and order in society (see above re: legal and ethical wrongs). Yes, sometimes we need a sense of obligation to complete otherwise unpleasant tasks when we’d rather be doing other things. Yes, you probably “should” be doing your work right now instead of reading this article.

But what if, instead of living your entire life from a place “should,” you keep “should” to those few senses of obligation, and live the rest of your life from a place of doing what feels good and right in your being (i.e., your “gut”)? When you check in with a deeper part of yourself, you can see that what you’re doing with your life, your career, your relationships, etc. will only change if, deep down, you desire that change and are willing to take the steps to make it happen. Not because it “should” (or you “should”) be different.

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Megan Grandinetti is a wellness & life coach, yoga teacher, and recovering attorney. Learn more about Megan, and receive a free 10-minute guided meditation, by visiting www.megangrandinettiyoga.com and signing up for her email list.

 

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