You wouldn't think it would be hard to find a group of unemployed Chicago lawyers these days. There are a lot of them lying around. But can they overcome the collective action problem to join together for an epic bender? Let's turn to Craigslist to find out.

Here's the text from an ad that went up earlier this week:

Looking for Desperate Lawyer! (Chicago Metro)

Seeking desperate lawyers to form drinking club. Job duties include drinking with the thousands of other out of work/can't get a job/fresh from passing the bar grads like self who lack the connections/money necessary to find even minimal legal employment. Must be fluent in Scotch-Whiskey, Irish-Whiskey, Smithwicks, Bass, Harp, and any other sophisticated blue-collar drink. Occassional duties of blacking out from excess alcohol will be called upon as needed.

People who dig criminal defense and wasted hundreds on Lexis/Westlaw for their overpriced Illinois books will be given extra consideration.

Interested applicants may respond to the email listed above for further consideration.

Matt/David
www.myspace.com/mattdavidfilms

Oooh, they have a website. Let's check out the virtual backstory after the jump.

The Illinois Attorney General, Lisa Madigan, has scored a victory for prudes decency and safety. Craigslist will be removing its erotic services section in the next seven days:

llinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan says that Craigslist is getting rid of its "erotic services" ads and will create a new adult category that Web site employees will review.

This would never have happened if Roland Burris was still around!

In fairness, who knows how long Craigslist could have fought off all the subtle prostitution available on the site.

The efforts by Madigan and other attorneys general came after a lawsuit by Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart, in which he claimed that Craigslist was "the single largest source of prostitution in the nation."

But once people started dying over this stuff, it was probably just a matter of time:

Craigslist came under renewed pressure to remove the ads after Philip Markoff, a medical student in Boston, was charged with the April killing of a masseuse he met on the site.

Craigslist will start offering an Adult category which is more closely monitored by employees.

You know it just got a little easier out here for a pimp.

Illinois AG: Craigslist is getting rid of 'erotic services' ads [Newser]
Madigan: Craigslist To Drop 'Erotic Services' Ads [CBS 2]

A few readers have sent along the link to this Craigslist ad for an "ASSociate Attorney" based in midtown Manhattan:

Small, congenial law firm needs top notch associate attorney to join our exceptional team. Please do not apply if you do not meet the following requirmenets: [sic]

1. Top half of the class at Harvard, Yale, UPenn, U Michigan, or Georgetown; top 10% at U Chicago, Boalt or UCLA. Top 1% everywhere else.
2. Law review and/or moot court experience a MUST.
3. Federal Clerkship REQUIRED.
4. Must be willing to accept $28,000 per year. $10,000 bonus for billing over 2500 hours a year. The bonus is pro-rata more, so it is worth the extra billing.
5. Must be willing to make coffee every hour, on the hour. The position is open becuase [sic] our last associate sustained severe burns from the hot plate in which the coffee post rests. We had to discharge him as he required too much "leave" time.
6. Insurance after two years, with employee contribution at 50%.
7. Must be willing to share a desk with a paralegal. She said you can have the top drawer.
8. Must be in the office by 8am, and remain until 10pm. On Fridays, you can leave by 9:30pm.
9. Must be a team player.

Please send resume to the link above. Good luck- hope to see you soon!

We ASSume this is a joke. It's not the first time an attorney frustrated by the job search has used Craigslist humor to vent.

We're curious though about the law school biases. You only have to be top half at U Penn to meet their requirements, but you have to be top 1% at NYU or Columbia. What's up with that?

UPDATE (12:16 p.m.): The man behind the ad steps forward. It's not his first appearance on these pages. And he gives us hope that the job market may just be improving, after the jump.

* The bankruptcy judge has made several decisions to keep Chrysler afloat including allowing a $4.5 billion credit line from the U.S. and Canadian governments. [The Detroit Free Press]

* State attorneys general will meet with Craiglist to discuss the elimination of advertisements for "illegal sexual activities." [The Associated Press]

* In the Court's first public appearance since Souter announced his retirement--there were many announcements of decisions and upcoming cases--but no mention of the elephant in the room. One case that will be decided is whether it is cruel and unusual punishment to give minors life sentences for serious crimes like rape. [The Washington Post]

* A group of biker lawyers has gotten together to form a small Los Angeles firm that represents victims of motorcycle accidents. [The Los Angeles Times]

* The story of a Beijing lawyer who took on Communist officials in court is evidence of how little freedom Chinese citizens really have. [The Los Angeles Times]

Yesterday, we posted about a non-lawyer, Bert J. Van der Werff, who was offering answers to legal questions for five dollars.

With a rapidity that would make the American Bar Association proud, commenters seized upon this hapless student's ethical violation, and put the fear of God into him. Van der Werff reports that he received numerous emails from Above the Law readers, explaining that him that he was putting his entire career at risk.

And you know the commenters weren't kind either. From Partner Emeritus:

My first question to this peon would be what is the New York criminal statute that makes it a crime to give legal advice without a law license?

And there was this:

It doesn't matter if you hold yourself out as a lawyer. Providing legal advice for money constitutes the unauthorized practice of law, assuming you aren't a licensed attorney at the time. By the way, I'll answer any and all questions, legal or otherwise, for $1B each.

And this:

I hope he isn't using his free student lexis and westlaw access. It is a violation of the terms he agreed to when he accepted his ids.

They will both come and charge him for useage and that will cost him more than what he is charging per search

And much, much more.

After the jump, Mr. Van der Werff posts an apology.

Today, Craigslist brings us the latest example of a (soon-to-be) lawyer trying to make it work in this difficult economy. Here's the ad:

I am an experienced law student willing to answer your legal questions. The fee is $5 per question. To take advantage of this offer email your question to [Redacted]. You will then get a response with your answer. Must pay through PAYPAL ACCOUNT. ALL EMAILs must include the following information:

NAME
ADDRESS
TELEPHONE NUMBER
CITY/STATE
YOUR QUESTION

Now, it's been a while since I took the MPRE, and I was all kinds of hung-over when I passed it. But isn't there some kind of -- I don't know, rule -- about giving legal advice when you are not a lawyer?

Seriously though, he doesn't "hold himself out to be a lawyer," so maybe that helps?

Either way, Bert J. van der Werff is just a guy trying to make some money during rough times. We speak with the student after the jump.

So, you know how we at Above the Law love to bring you something a little bit later in the day for our west coast and late night readers? I bring this up lest you think I have masturbatory ulterior motives for the timing of this post.

So, this lady is apparently a law student somewhere in Miami:

Click below the fold for the rest of this story. (Arguably not safe for work, children, Jesus, reasonable people, Princess Leia, or PETA).

Earlier this month, duty called us to a midtown Manhattan bar to cover a Pink Slip Party for our sister site, Dealbreaker. Geared toward those laid off from Wall Street, the "party" was a depressing scene meant to bring job-seekers together with potential employers. There were more recruiters than potential employers around, though, and there were lines of people in suits waiting to sit at booths to go over their resumes with the recruiters.

Job seekers are similarly disadvantaged in the legal market, thanks to continuing layoffs. One unemployed lawyer is trying a novel new approach. He wants to turn the headhunter payment arrangement inside out, and pay a recruiter to find a job for him. From his Craigslist ad:

This economy sucks. It probably sucks for recruiters too! Therefore I want to make life a little more interesting. This may not be a huge amount of money, but if you're already on commission it's more than usual I imagine.. For any recruiter that helps me a permanent position as an associate attorney in relevant areas (defined below) I will pay the following immediately:

$60,000- $69,999 per annum I will pay you $3,000
$70,000 - $90,000 per annum I will pay you $4,000
$100,000 + per annum I will pay you $5,000

I am also looking for contract work in the short term. I will pay $300 for anything which is supposed to last more than a month.

This seems to make sense. Sometimes job seekers are advised to avoid working with a recruiter because it makes them more expensive, since the employer has to pay the recruiter a fee on top of the new hire's salary. If the new hire foots the recruitment bill, the game changes.

Some people don't like this idea. The Craigslist poster, who asked to remain anonymous, has had some angry responses, after the jump.

Apparently, many ATL readers are conducting their job searches via Craigslist, because this posting has appeared in our inbox more frequently than lobster references in the comments.

We've already mentioned it in Non-Sequiturs, but we're returning to it to beg you to stop sending it to us, and to give you the story behind it. For those not in the know, here's the legal job listing that many a job searcher has stumbled across:

Associate Attorney (Midtown West)
Reply to: job-991754136@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-13, 5:41PM EST

Fast-paced 20-attorney law firm looking for an eager associate to join our growing practice. We understand that you may be a newly-admitted attorney looking for their first job. We also know that the economy is harsh right now. However, we are willing to give you a chance. Here are the details of this spectacular opportunity:

* Your salary will be $30,000 per year. We understand that this may be on the low end (since you probably are six figures in debt), but we will be able to give you unlimited opportunities for experience and you'll be making six-figures soon enough. On the other hand, we will bill our clients $300 for every hour of your work; at least you will know your work is valued by us in several ways.

* There is no health insurance, but we have an on-site 2nd year medical student who will abide by the upmost professional standards take care of any illnesses or injuries that occur, both on-site and off-site.

* You will be expected to work 12 hour days, six (6) days of week. You will be afforded 1 week of vacation time, and three (3) sick days. Your vacation time is limited to the months of January and February, as we will need you to be in the office while the partners are taking their time off in the summer. The good news is that you will earn vacation and sick pay as soon as you start. The only holidays that the Firm observes are Christmas and Thanksgiving, but you must work a half-day, as we are a busy and important firm who adheres to our clients' needs.

* Your bonus, if earned (by billing 2100 hours per year), will consist of a one-year membership to a "food-of-the-mouth" club of your choice. In 2008, every associate took advantage of this valuable program and has benefited greatly for their hard work and dedication.

Please email resume, cover letter, salary history, law school and college transcripts to the address above. We will also need you to take a drug test. All resumes and credentials will be held in strictest confidence

Ridiculous and hilarious, right? Obviously a joke? Well, we talked to the guy behind the ad -- a contract attorney who's looking for a permanent firm job himself -- and he says he has received over 100 e-mails, including two from recruiting agencies, in response to his satirical listing.

Find out which recruiting agencies, and the story behind the posting, after the jump.

We've discussed the terrible market for 3Ls, but one D.C.-area law student is taking matters into her own hands. From the source of all that is wonderful, the Craigslist personals:

Are you a lonely lawyer? - 24

Maybe we can do something about that. I'm an ambitious 3L at a good school, and I'd really like to land a job at a terrific firm. Unfortunately, my grades and the job market aren't the best. Ideally, I would like to meet a cute hiring partner for "networking." I'm sexy, petite, and very fun to be with. If you're interested, please tell me a bit about yourself. I'd be happy to exchange pics.

Why are you looking to score a lawyer-man on craigslist? ATL would be happy to post your pictures. And we know that hiring partners and recruiting coordinators read the site regularly.

Still, we admire your willingness to do "what it takes" to secure a job in this difficult market. Sexy, petite, networking is actually great training for your eventual life as a Biglaw associate.

Out of work 3Ls take note: there is always more than one way to get a job.

Earlier: Prior ATL coverage of job searches

Sometimes it's a lonely, lonely world, and you have to grasp at any little flicker of love. Thus exists Craigslist Missed Connections. A tipster noted this recent post from CLMC of the legal love variety. Location: DC Superior Court.

You: Plaintiff - m4m - 33 (DC Superior Court)
Reply to: pers-847863619@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-09-20, 12:02AM EDT

You were one of like three guys in the room (fifth floor courtroom) who were under 50 this morning. Curious to know what your case was about. Coffee? (Name the judge to be sure we were in the same room.)

We wonder if the connection has been made and if M33 has explored all the details of the plaintiff's "case."

You: Plaintiff - m4m - 33 (DC Superior Court) [District of Columbia Craigslist]

Earlier: ATL Coverage of Craiglist Postings

We considered using this job posting as inspiration for a new installment in our Career Alternatives for Attorneys series. But that series is devoted to jobs you can do with a law degree that don't involve working for Biglaw, and this ad is for a position that's really more of a, um, side project.

Here is an excerpt from the ad, posted on New York City's Craigslist:

Help Wanted: Concubine - m4w - 35 (Upper East Side)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Job Description: You will regularly provide sexual services as needed and on demand. Specific services required will vary from time to time, but generally will encompass all ordinary sexual activities, with some "pushing of the envelope," dependent upon a determination of where "the envelope" resides for you. The frequency of my need for your services will also vary, but generally I will call upon you two to three times per week... In short, your job description is to do as you are asked, without resistance or condition. While this position will not interfere with an ordinary "day job," it does preclude concurrent involvement in any other sexual relationships.

Just reading this ad is "pushing our envelope."

Qualifications: You must be a woman and over eighteen years of age, but otherwise age, race, and nationality will not be significant to the employment decision. Experience in a comparable position would be helpful, but is not necessary - I am willing to train the right person for the job. The successful candidate will be bright, articulate, extremely flexible, and willing to learn how best to fulfill her role as Concubine. Legal background (e.g., attorney, law student, or pre-law student) a plus, but not required.

Because those who work in law are already used to prostituting themselves? The preference for a legal background is puzzling. Perhaps the CL poster gets off on legalese, just like Jamie Lee Curtis's character in A Fish Called Wanda got turned on by foreign languages?

("Res ipsa my loquitur, baby.... Ooooh, just like that, yeah.... You habeas the most incredible corpus -- are those real? Now mandamus me, I've been a bad boy....")

"Compensation and Benefits" for the Craigslist gig include a small weekly allowance, housing, and a cell phone. Some people might be willing to put out for a Manhattan apartment... but it's on the Upper East Side. Ick. Call us if something opens up below 14th Street.

While good performance may be rewarded with a cash bonus, don't expect a promotion. In "Opportunity for Advancement," the poster warns, "PLEASE NOTE that the position of Concubine is not on the girlfriend or wife career tracks." So think of this as whoredom's version of "Counsel" status.

(Yes, we know -- some firms promote from the Counsel level to partnership. But many don't.)

See the full Craigslist listing, after the jump.

As bloggers, internet addiction is a job requirement, but we hear it's a bad thing for "normal people." We've noticed quite a few articles recently on cell phone addiction and Web abuse. We think lawyers more than most may be prone to technological addictions, due to their nifty firm-supplied tech toys, many billable hours spent in front of computers, and the ever-present blackberry/crackberry.

Wired reports that one influential psychiatrist has proposed adding internet addiction to the manual of mental disorders:

In the March issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry, Jerald Block proposed that Web abuse be added to his field's bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Block cites research from South Korea, where, he says, the affliction is considered a serious public health problem, and the government estimates that 168,000 children may require psychotropic medications. In China, the Beijing Military Region Central Hospital puts the number of teenage pathological computer users at 10 million.

Like other addicts, users reportedly experience cravings (for better software, faster machines), withdrawal (logging off may cause irritability), a loss of sense of time (wee-hour fixes), and negative social repercussions (it's so much easier to date an avatar).

Check. Check. Check. No check -- our social life is just fine, thank you.

There are your warning signs for internet addiction, so look out! We wonder if carrying a PDA is the equivalent of chewing nicotine gum.... More discussion of addictions and how the love of the iPhone can lead to robbery at gunpoint, after the jump.

Is bar review class not doing it for you? Sure, BarBri property instructor Paula Franzese is a hottie. In the words of one bar review student, "I wouldn't mind doing some adverse possession on her!"

For most of you, however, bar review is more stressful than erotic. If this is the case, we have a solution. From a sexually adventurous tipster:

I thought you might find this interesting. [Caution: NSFW]

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/698614951.html.

I'm a lawyer, and my wife and I swing -- I wish I knew about something like this to help me de-stress back when I was taking the bar!

For those of you who can't click through -- the Craigslist ad has an explicit graphic -- here is the text of the post:

DE-STRESS B4 THE BAR EXAM -- WEEKLY ORGY FOR RECENT LAW SCHOOL GRADS - - 25 (Manhattan)
Date: 2008-05-28, 4:03PM EDT

The NY bar exam is coming... It's a time of intense study for recent law school graduates with a phenomenal amount of stress involved. Stop studying for a few hours and de-stress at a weekly orgy!

Every week, my girlfriend and I will be hosting an orgy for those studying for the bar and/or their partners. [We assume "partners" is a reference to significant others, not future bosses.]

We realize that the law profession is very much about one's good name and reputation, so we will host with the greatest of care and anonymity. Don't use your real name, don't talk about your school or your firm, just come and have fun.

For the love of God, do NOT discuss your law school or law firm at an orgy. Contrary to what some of you might think, Vault rankings are not the ultimate aphrodisiac.

But you will have to disclose your law school upon arrival, since it will determine your specific role in the proceedings. Tier Four grads, bring kneepads. And lots of lube.

More dirty details, after the jump.

Heading into the weekend, a post on those looking for love seems appropriate.

A tipster sent us this Craigslist missed connection that emerged from a SCOTUS hearing this week:

cute tall blond at supreme court argument - m4m - 36 (dc)
Reply to: pers-655332634@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-04-24, 10:46PM EDT

on 4/23. Me short with dark hair with woman. You sat behind me.

The tipster reports that "on 4/23 the court heard METRO. LIFE INS. CO. V. GLENN and MEACHAM V. KNOLLS ATOMIC POWER LAB. Which one attracted the unrequited?"

ERISA conflicts of interest and employee downsizing programs... We can see why the Craigslist poster might have been looking for distraction.

This isn't the the first time sparks have flown at the Supreme Court, though Desperately Seeking 'The Supreme Court Clerk of My Heart' got points for greater creativity in his missed connection ad.

Another tipster sent us this law school student's posting:

law student looking - 25 (williamsburg)
Reply to: pers-607649012@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-15, 10:14PM EDT

hey ladies!

I am 25, from San Diego, and in Williamsburg to study law... I have been here for two years and am newly single...

I have been here for two years, but all the law school girls are like friends/sisters to me - so NOT dating prospects in any way

so... I am on here seeing if any ladies want to meet up for coffee, go on a date, and get to know one another

you be: attractive, open, talkative, and intelligent
I am: same

NOT, NOT, NOT trying to use this as a sex service (If I wanted JUST sex, believe me I could get that - and so could you - easily)

Since this dates back to March 15, maybe a love connection has been made. If said Williamsburg law student wants to update us on his search for a non-law-school-lady-friend, send us an e-mail.

For all of you Chicago law students who are strapped for cash and in desperate need of a tattoo or two, we have the craigslist ad for you:

I am searching for a student lawyer who is familar with the divorce laws of Illinois. Someone who is studying family law and would help assist me in my situation. Thus far I have written out my petition and obtain documents to be filed. But, I need someone to review my petition and statement before it is presented to the court. As a token of appreciation I will issue a check of $45.00 and two tattoo needles for two free tattoos(black and grey). Check out my work on www.myspace.com/grandmas26tattoos.

We were hoping for a cool granny on MySpace, but it's actually a young woman.

Our University of Chicago tipster says:

I'm not studying family law, but if I was, I don't think I would accept payment in tattoos.

Not even "Biglaw" on your bicep?

In Search For Student Lawyer Who Is Studying Family Law (Brighton Park/ Midway) [Craigslist]

Faced with a challenging job market, law school students are turning to the web. See, e.g., 3L for Hire.

And now they're advertising on... craigslist? Well, if it's good enough for law firms -- at least the kind that require the ability to lift 25 pounds -- it's good enough for students, too.

From the Austin craigslist:

I am a second year law student seeking a summer opportunity with a DFW medium/small law firm. I attend Texas Wesleyan University and maintain a 3.22 GPA. I am a hard working, and dedicated individual. I wil be happy to provide my transcript and resume upon request.

Thank you.

Maybe this student should try posting in the "missed connections" section of craigslist? lawstudent4job - 25 - (austin).

Craigslist may work better for finding a personal relationship (or selling used furniture). Check out this ad:

Law Student seeks Cinderella - 25.

I am a 25 year old law student. 5' 9". 160 lbs. Blonde hair, blue eyes, from Kansas City. I am single, never been married, no children, and have a Bachelor of Science degree, a Masters of Arts degree, and am a first year law student. I am looking to meet a woman and take her to a formal event for my law school called "Barristers Ball" (Essentially a Law School Prom). Dinner, drinks, and dancing will be provided at no cost to you. I am just looking for a lovely lady to take to the event for "Arm-Candy." Responses must include an "Actual" full body photo of yourself and you must be willing to meet sometime soon on the weekend for drinks. I do enjoy drinking and I smoke occasionally when I drink. If this bothers you...please do not respond. Please Note: The child in the photo is not mine (It is my Nephew)...

We understand that the student in question is at the University of Miami -- a law school that has provided ample ATL fodder. Click here, then scroll down, to review UM's past exploits.

Second Year Law Student Seeks Summer Opportunity [craigslist - austin]
Law Student seeks Cinderella - 25 [craiglist - miami]

An excerpt from an ad in the "legal jobs" section of the Denver craigslist:

The ideal candidate would be admitted to practice Colorado State Bar, and have at least 4 to 7 years experience. Experienced professional demeanor in client contact both in person and on the telephone is a must. Ability to work and adapt in a fast-paced environment is crucial. The candidate should have a very high level of proficiency with MS Word, Outlook, and Excel. Experience with TABS billing software is a plus. Must be able to lift up to 25 lbs. Compensation is commensurate with experience.

Are we witnessing the start of a trend, as the market for legal talent shifts from a sellers' market to a buyers' market? This isn't the first law firm advertisement we've seen requiring the ability to engage in heavy lifting (quite literally). See also this ad (applicants must have the ability to "carry[] loads of up to 35 pounds").

Associate for Litigation Group [Denver craigslist]

Earlier: Definitely Not the Job of the Week

Who lives in Arkansas? And designs MySpace pages? And likes to post on, appropriately enough, Craigslist?

Winnable high profile ENTRAPPMENT [sic] case Lawyer needed

Need a good lawyer who is willing to get paid a little slower but also can have a logo done by me and a web page or High Definition commercial done as well. Very winnable case and high profile. Please help my brother who was entrapped. You can check out my art on my myspace page. My myspace page can be found at myspace.com/aphrodite1985.

Update / Warning: You really should know this by now, if you've ever visited a MySpace page, but mute your speakers before checking it out. Like 95 percent of MySpace pages, this one also features loud and irritating music.

Our tipster quips: "At least there's still good work in Arkansas without Wal-Mart."

Maybe the kindhearted sister should reach out to this fellow Craigslist poster. He's not admitted to the Arkansas bar; but he could probably do some legal research, since it sounds like he has some time on his hands. Who says graduates of top-tier law schools don't also suffer employment woes?

Winnable high profile ENTRAPPMENT case Lawyer needed [craigslist]
Seeking Law Clerk Position [craigslist]

You can find the weirdest s**t on Craigslist:

I'm creating a proposal for a downtown performance art show based on US sex laws - the quirkier the better. There are many lists online of these laws, but it's really hard to find the actual statute or case number. In some cases, they either don't exist or are changed to sound funny but the actual law is not so strange. Like, if its illegal to bring an animal into a public space, you could say that porcupines are not allowed at the opera but then neither is a dog. So much for your funny porcupine law.

The strength of the show is based on the truth - like the real Texas law where having 7 or more sex toys in your possession is "intent to distribute". I'm looking to see if some defunct laws ever existed - like the supposed Florida law that banned unmarried women from parachuting on Sundays.

If you even understand what I'm going for and have access to a law library (online or brick&mortar), please contact me.

Cheers,
Gabrielle

Our tipster writes: "I'd take it on myself, but I'm not sure how I'd bill it. I know Loyola 2L is pretty hard up; perhaps he could use the extra bucks. Plus, something tells me Gabrielle's gotta be hot (Roissy would surely agree)."

Gabrielle: you might want to drop Howard Bashman a line. He is a recognized authority on sex toys (as a legal if not practical matter).

Update: A diligent associate at a bonus-bestowing firm recommends A Guide to America's Sex Laws, by no less an authority than the eminent Judge Richard Posner.

But this sex law compendium might come with a big red flag over it, in the wake of Lawrence v. Texas. The diligent associate points out: "Note that it's out of date, coming as it did in the Bowers era."

RESEARCH - Strange Laws for Performance Piece (Lower East Side) [Craigslist]