Food

And Stay Away from Ann Coulter’s Creme Brulee

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cookies baked goods rat poison Justice Sandra Day O'Connor Above the Law.jpgEarlier this year, controversial blonde pundit Ann Coulter joked about putting rat poison in Justice John Paul Stevens’s creme brulee.
Did Coulter give someone an idea? Check out this story, from the Star-Telegram of Forth Worth:

When federal appellate Judge Danny Boggs said at a Friday legal conference at Las Colinas that physical assaults aimed at judges have come mainly from “the deranged,” Justice Sandra Day O’Connor underscored the safety concerns.

“Every member of the Supreme Court received a wonderful package of home-baked cookies, and I don’t know why, the staff decided to analyze them,” she recounted. “Each one contained enough poison to kill the entire membership of the court.”

Sounds pretty serious, right?
But we must call out Justice O’Connor for exaggerating the seriousness of the threat. It seems the ol’ cowgirl is playing fast and loose with the record. As reported by SCOTUS press corps diva Linda Greenhouse:

The danger posed by the packages was immediately apparent. Each contained a typewritten letter stating either, “I am going to kill you,” or, “We are going to kill you,” and adding, “This is poisoned.”

Supreme Court justices get accused of many things. But illiteracy is not usually among them.
Moreover, Justice O’Connor’s casual statement of “I don’t know why, the staff decided to analyze them” — implying the deadly treats came thisclose to reaching supreme judicial lips — is misleading. Again, per the Queen Bee:

All mail received at the Supreme Court is screened, and the tainted packages never reached the justices, said Kathleen Arberg, the court’s public information officer.

So it’s not that easy to poison a Supreme Court justice. Furthermore, even if the poisoned food somehow makes it past the initial screening, to reach a justice’s chambers, success is still not guaranteed. Why? In addition to their other duties, some Supreme Court clerks serve as food tasters for their bosses.
Finally, we fail to see how Justice O’Connor’s tale of the poisoned baked goods refutes Judge Boggs’s point that most threats against judges comes from “the deranged.” Clearly Barbara Joan March, who sent the poisoned packages to the Supreme Court — accompanied by notes that helpfully disclosed their toxic nature — is not a right-thinking person. At the very least, she’s not the most sane, nor the most intelligent, resident of Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Sitting Ducks on the Bench [Star-Telegram (Fort Worth)]
Justice Recalls Treats Laced With Poison [New York Times]
Ann Coulter to Justice Stevens: Drop Dead — Here, Let Me Help [Wonkette]

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Doe, A Deer, A Female Deer = Sexytime!

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deer sexy deer Above the Law.jpgBestiality-oriented necrophiliacs who live in Wisconsin, we bring you some potentially good news. In the next few weeks, a court could hold that you may have your way with whatever animals you please — as long as they’re dead.
From The Smoking Gun:

Meet Bryan James Hathaway, alleged venison lover. The Wisconsin man, 20, is facing charges that he had sex last month with a dead deer. Hathaway, who previously has served time for killing a horse he intended to sexually assault, allegedly found the deer in a ditch alongside a roadway.

Now Hathaway’s lawyer has filed a court motion (a copy of which you’ll find here) arguing that since the animal was already dead, Hathaway should not face a misdemeanor rap of sexual gratification with an animal. “The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass,” lawyer Fredric Anderson wrote in the motion filed in Douglas County Circuit Court.

Anderson isn’t trying to be a wise-ass; he has a plausible argument of statutory interpretation. Here’s an account of the court hearing on the motion, from The Daily Telegram:

The Webster’s dictionary defines “animal” as “any of a kingdom of living beings,” Anderson said. If you include carcasses in that definition, he said, “you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.”

Anderson argued: When does a turkey cease to be an animal? When it is dead? When it is wrapped in plastic packaging in the freezer? When it is served, fully cooked?

Sounds persuasive to us. So how did the prosecution respond? Well, they got a little Platonic on defendant’s ass:

“The common and ordinary meaning of a word can be found in how people actually use the word,” Boughner wrote in his response to the motion.

When a person’s pet dog dies, [Assistant District Attorney James Boughner argued], the person still refers to the dog as his or her dog, not a carcass.

“It stays a dog for some time,” Boughner said…. “It did not lose its essence as a deer, an animal, when it died,” he said.

We hope the defendant prevails. ‘Cause we’re really looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Can You Get Dear With A Dead Deer? [The Smoking Gun]
Case Presents Unprecedented Challenge [The Daily Telegram]

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Non-Sequiturs: 11.16.06

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* I’d rather go naked than eat foie gras. (Wait, is that how it goes? Like Pamela, I’ll find any excuse to show off my glorious rack.) [New York Sun]
* Would it have been a crime if the motive had been a little head-start on Thanksgiving preparations? Not everyone can be Rachel Ray. (Thank the F*&king Lord.) [Rutland Herald]
* You can still smoke in your detached, single-family residence, where the only victims will be you and anyone else likely to live in a detached, single-family residence. Like your kids. [San Mateo Daily Journal]
* If I had received this book as a stocking stuffer when I was 12, I actually would be sad I didn’t get socks instead. Let’s wait for the movie, and then only if it is narrated by Morgan Freeman. He’s just so kind and knowing. If you don’t just love him, well then, there is something seriously wrong with you. [Lowering the Bar]
* But you’ll still be able to gamble and pay someone for sex. [KTNV]
* May we recommend a theatrical adaptation of this instead? Cute, but not offensive. (We think.) [Chicago Tribune]

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The NJ Supreme Court Cafeteria: They Don’t Give a Rat’s Ass, They Eat It

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rat dead mouse dead died.jpgFirst the New Jersey Supreme Court has to suffer the indignity of the worst judicial portrait ever. And now, this:

A rodent infestation at the Hughes Justice Complex’s cafeteria in Trenton has led state officials to close it down indefinitely and end the contract with the vendor that ran it.

After a health inspection last summer turned up dead rats and other health violations, the vendor, Unique Food Management of Cresskill, was given a chance to fix the conditions, but an inspection last Wednesday found few changes, says Tom Vincz, a spokesman for the state Treasury Department, which oversees the cafeteria.

The state will solicit bids from other firms. Meanwhile, nearly 3,000 workers in the AG’s office, the Supreme Court and other departments will have to go elsewhere for breakfast and lunch.

Unique Food Management, indeed.
Inadmissible: Out to Lunch [New Jersey Law Journal]

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ATL Poll Results: Un Burrito No Es Un Bocadillo

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Inspired by litigation taking place in Massachusetts, we recently polled you on this question:

Is a burrito a sandwich?

The poll result was clear, and in accordance with the ruling by Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Locke: No, a burrito is not a sandwich.
burrito sandwich poll results Above the Law.JPG
It’s gratifying when the law coincides with the commonsense conclusions of ordinary people — since it doesn’t happen as often as one might like.
(We do not wish to get into a debate on whether or not the common law is (was?) efficient. It’s just a throwaway line to end this post. Okay?)
Earlier: ATL Reader Poll: Is a Burrito a Sandwich?

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ATL Reader Poll: Is a Burrito a Sandwich?

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burrito sandwich Above the Law.jpgWe seem to be on a Mexican food kick here at Above the Law. Our first post of the day was about Taco Bell.
And now, just in time for lunch, we bring you this weighty legal issue:

Is a burrito a sandwich?

For explanation, check out this AP article (which Stella Q linked to yesterday):

Panera has a clause in its lease that prevents the White City Shopping Center in Shrewsbury, Mass., from renting to another sandwich shop. Panera tried to invoke that clause to stop the opening of an Qdoba Mexican Grill.

But Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Locke cited Webster’s Dictionary as well as testimony from a chef and a former high-ranking federal agriculture official in ruling that Qdoba’s burritos and other offerings are not sandwiches.

The difference, the judge ruled, comes down to two slices of bread versus one tortilla.

For some interesting thoughts on the issue, check out PrawfsBlawg and ACS Blog (especially the comments).
Cast your vote below. Andale, andale!

Make Free Online Polls

Is a Burrito a Sandwich? Judge Says No [Associated Press via Yahoo! News]
Is a Burrito a Sandwich? [PrawfsBlawg]
But Is a Wrap a Burrito? [ACSBlog]

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It’s Not Just Burger King

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Taco Bell restaurant franchise Above the Law.jpgWhen you patronize other fast food establishments, you could be taking your life into your own hands. And we’re not talking about transfats and the adverse health consequences of eating fast food (which have already spawned various lawsuits).
Take Taco Bell. Just like Burger King, they stand accused of serving drug-laced food:

Phillip Dagget, 27, said he bought several tacos from the drive-through window at the Taco Bell on Mariano Bishop Boulevard Saturday night. About an hour after he ate them, he started to feel “light-headed” and experienced “some (stomach) cramping,” he said yesterday.

Another half-hour later, his illness intensified, so he retrieved a half-eaten taco from the trash and noticed “a white, powdery substance on it,” he said.

Drop the chalupa, indeed! Law enforcement is investigating.
Also like Burger King, outlets of Taco Bell have recently hosted eruptions of gunfire (albeit accidental). And armed robbery.
Oh, and there’s this:

Drive-thru service is available on the north side of the Taco Bell restaurant at 3302 E. Main St. [in Richmond, IN]. But shortly after 1 p.m. today, a white sedan made it “drive-in” service on the south side of the building. The car crashed into the entry doors and hit an interior wall before stopping.

Make a run for the border — and away from your nearest Taco Bell.
Complaint has police thinking outside the bun [The Standard-Times via SouthCoastToday.com]
Gunfire Erupts At Local Taco Bell [NBC13.com (Birmingham / Tuscaloosa)]
Police seek Taco Bell robber [Jackson Sun]
No one hurt when car slams into Taco Bell [Richmond Palladium-Item]
Earlier: Burger King: Vector for Criminality
Lawsuit of the Day: “Have It Your Way,” Indeed

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Non-Sequiturs: 11.13.06

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* In law school, a burrito was not only a sandwich, but breakfast, lunch and dinner. And midnight snack. [AP via Yahoo! News]
* When you have too much self-respect for a reunion tour, or another farewell tour is just not feasible, or you haven’t securitized your music catalog, then this may be your last recourse. Money wouldn’t be an issue if you had ODed at age 27. [AP via MSNBC]
* It took an attorney’s flashing to rouse suburban moms to fight for stricter indecent exposure laws. This would be a funny “Desperate Housewives” storyline; they could also hire this guy back. [King County Journal]
* Privilege, murder, a Kennedy… and also an episode of Cold Case. [CNN]
* Not funny. But your anecdotes can be. So send them our way. If it’s really bad, find a (real) lawyer. [Law.com]

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Lawsuit of the Day: “Have It Your Way,” Indeed

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whopper burger king.jpgBack when we worked at McDonald’s, customers would ask us if we sold onion rings. We would tell them, with suppressed exasperation, that no, sorry, we don’t. If you want onion rings, try Burger King.
And if you want your food laced with pot, try Burger King, too. From the AP:

Two police officers sued Burger King Corp., claiming they were served hamburgers that had been sprinkled with marijuana.

The lawsuit says Mark Landavazo and Henry Gabaldon, officers for the Isleta Pueblo tribal police, were in uniform and riding in a marked patrol car when they bought meals at the drive-through lane October 8 of a Burger King restaurant in Los Lunas, New Mexico.

The officers ate about half of their burgers before discovering marijuana on the meat, the lawsuit said. They used a field test kit to confirm the substance was pot, then went to a hospital for medical evaluations.

We’ll give the last word to the officers’ pleasingly glib lawyer, Sam Bregman: “It gives a whole new meaning to the word ‘Whopper.’”
Suit: Burger King served pot burgers to cops [CNN]

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Tort Reform, the Ancient Babylonian Way

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apple pie.jpgThis is one sure way to cut down on frivolous litigation. The Code of Hammurabi could be pretty badass.
And how would the Code treat unjustified lawsuits alleging overly hot coffee? Here’s our guess:

If any one bring an accusation of negligence against makers of hot coffee, and does not prove what he has charged, he shall be forced to eat TEN fried McDonald’s apple pies, straight out of the fryer.

Yes, McDonald’s phased out the fried apple pie with the super-hot filling. But surely they had it in ancient Babylon, given their advanced civilization.
(And you can still find this delicacy at a few other restaurants. Check out the McDonald’s Fried Apple Pie Locator for an establishment near you.)
Loser Pays, Babylonian-Style [Point of Law]
Two more hot coffee lawsuit data points [Overlawyered]

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