Holidays and Seasons

Gradenfreude: An Underemployed Law Grad’s Guide on How to Achieve Mediocrity in 2013

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With 2013 approaching, people will begin to start to think about what potential changes they may make for their New Year’s Resolution. Now, I personally am not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions because I don’t understand the point of wanting to better yourself only once a year, simply because the earth has made a full rotation around the sun. We’re probably going to die on Friday anyway because of that Mayan garbage, so what’s the point? But for the sake of quality journalism, I’ll ignore that for the moment to give out-of-work law graduates a couple of ideas for their own resolutions.

First, there are some things that you should consider before taking on any resolution. Don’t pick something that’s too big for one person to conceivably achieve — like Tannebaum said, aim low, and strive for mediocrity. Also, don’t pick something that requires you to completely change yourself overnight. While it’s very admirable, doing so will likely result in you dropping the resolution and getting back to life as normal in February. A diet that lasts for only a month isn’t very effective, people.

For that same reason, whatever change you do choose, make sure that it’s something that you’re actually interested in doing. In other words, do a little research and realize what you’re getting yourself into. Thinking about it, maybe I should have taken my own advice and did a little more research before attending the “unaccredited law school” the commenters keep referring to. And by the way, I went to an accredited cesspool, thank you very much….

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Non-Sequiturs: 12.17.12

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Tim Scott, today’s reminder that I could have my own television show in a snap if I just turned ‘black Republican.’

* We’re getting the first black Senator from the Confederacy since Reconstruction, and it’s going to be Tim Scott. That’s kind of like having Clarence Thomas replace Thurgood Marshall. [The Caucus / New York Times]

* A Newtown gun group has a beef with Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. A beef whose stupidity shouldn’t need to be highlighted by tragic deaths. [Washington Briefs]

* I’m not sure how mandatory gun insurance helps anything. [Breaking Views]

* Since God stubbornly refuses to use his omnipresent powers to stop bullets, I’d rather use a sensible legal framework to protect my child, not faith in things unseen. [Slate]

* One thing that would keep us all safer would be to just keep guns out of the hands of white males. (I’m kidding, of course. I’m a liberal and I don’t believe in racial profiling.) [Salon]

* The deadline for the Above the Law Holiday Card contest is tonight. Send us your holiday cheer NOW, or you’ll be so freaking sorry. [Above the Law]

* We’ve got a real, pro-gavel court. [Onion]

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The Practice: Predictions for 2013 — Your Life May Still Suck

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I cannot just write a post today without expressing that the depths of my heart go out to the parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, brothers, and sisters who sent their little one to school Friday and are now preparing funerals. As the father of two girls, I, well, you know. I just cannot imagine.

On to less important things.

It’s already starting. The lists of the 10 things not to do in 2013, 20 things to do in 2013, seven ways to be happier, five things Google will do to kill your practice, what the future holds for the future, how every lawyer in the world will be loving MySpace again in 2013, and on and on and on. None of these people will tell you that they have no idea what they are talking about. They only live to tell you at the end of the year that they were right about one of their many silly predictions, the making of which has brought them nothing (e.g., “More lawyers are using (insert shiny toy here) and this I predicted, praise me.”).

I have no such list — no to dos or do not dos. No predictions. My only prediction is that your life probably won’t change much. I say set mediocre goals. Do not try to accomplish anything extravagant. You’ll just be disappointed.

So I’m just going to tell you what I’m doing in 2013. You can do or not do these things, I don’t care. Really, I don’t….

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Diamond Makers Sue Over Who’s Best At Parting Fools From Their Money

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Of all the ways to say ‘I love you’ this is the most boring.

I hate diamonds. Besides oil, no natural resource is responsible for as much suffering. Wars are fought over diamonds, totalitarian regimes are propped up with diamond money. It all happens because of anachronistic cultural traditions that tell us women should be dressed and adorned like dolls.

Today, western women buy into the convention — because, well, that’s what happens when an entire people is hobbled by generations of unequal treatment — but do not forget that giving engagement diamonds to women is a holdover from a time when a man would pay to buy off the bride from her father. A holdover that has been amped up by the modern diamond industry. It’d be like if every time a white employer hired a black person, they got to strip him down and check his teeth… you know, for old times’ sake. “Here’s your price, now cook me something and be quick about it so I don’t have to beat you” — is what every woman should hear when she receives a shiny bauble for her ring finger.

Of course, my wife wears a diamond engagement ring, because I’m not a freaking hero. In this ridiculous world, even if the woman says “I’m not really into that diamond stuff,” you can’t really be sure and you don’t want to insult her or her family by proposing with a shared New York Times subscription (that made more sense back in the 90s, trust me). Luckily, my wife and I have been able to resist the nearly constant overtures from the diamond industry ever since. Even though every season the television tries to tell us that I just don’t love her very much unless I’m committing 25 percent of my yearly income in a constant shower of stones.

To call the diamond industry “evil” is no overstatement, as reflected in a new lawsuit….

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Assistants and Holidays: Some Hints on Gift Giving

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Ed. note: This is the second installment in a new series of monthly posts, brought to you by Corporette’s Kat Griffin, which will deal with topical business and lifestyle issues that present themselves in the world of Biglaw. Send your ideas for future columns to us by clicking here.

Feeling like Santa Claus yet? If not, it’s time to dust off your best red velvet suit and get in the mood — because it’s time to give gifts to the people you work with. Hooray, said no one ever. Relax, it isn’t that hard….

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‘Twas The Night Before Finals, And Law Students Were Freaking Out

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Ah, finals period, that wonderful time when all law students are crushed under pressure, and some of them turn into diamonds. Others just crumble. And still others take the pressure and sadness and turn it into a brilliant fountain of creativity.

Well, that doesn’t happen very often. But when it does, it’s pretty fun. A law student turned a case brief into a Night Before Christmas poem. It’s funny. I mean, it’s borderline insane to do this with a brief, but it’s pretty funny. Let’s hope our author backs away from the keyboard slowly…

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Gradenfreude: Some Holiday Gifts for the Unemployed or Underemployed Law School Graduate

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The holiday season is supposed to be full of cheer and happiness, but as an adult, it’s usually full of one thing, and one thing only: stress. Making matters worse is the fact that shopping for those you love can be a bit of a challenge. It’s always hard to tell what someone really needs or will have the opportunity to fully enjoy.

So, I have decided to dedicate this week’s column to giving a few gift ideas for the unemployed or severely underemployed law school graduate in your life. These individuals are likely depressed and highly anxious, so the right gift could act as a sedative — and actually back some of them off the ledge.

The following is by no means a comprehensive list, but it’s a good start….

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Above the Law’s Fourth Annual Holiday Card Contest

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The season of law firm holiday parties, for starters. And, better yet, bonuses. This year, Santa Cravath stuffed stockings with a goodly amount of cash.

But the parties and paychecks pale in comparison to what’s about to get underway: Above the Law’s fourth annual holiday card contest!

Last year, Haynes and Boone, a frequent finalist in the contest, took home top honors. Will they repeat in 2012, will a prior winner reemerge, or will a totally fresh face grab the Christmas card crown?

Read on — and read carefully, counselors — for the official contest rules….

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The Practice: The Ultimate Small Law Gift Guide (Even If You’re Cheap)

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For those of you that have clients, and in turn, those that have referred them to you, other than an expensively created fake online presence (half, no, two-thirds of my readers just clicked off) you may be wondering how to say thank you to them this holiday season.

Not to worry, as always, I am here to help. No, no, no need to thank me, it’s my pleasure. The following is based on years of receiving crappy and awesome gifts during the holidays and provided in an effort to make you look like at one time before you became a lawyer, someone taught you good manners.

First, I know you like your name or your firm’s name or logo. No one else does. I’ve thrown out more leather binders with law firm logos, coffee mugs, pens, Godforsaken calendars, and things I’m supposed to carry around on in my golf bag that have a law firm name or logo than you’ve received.

Holidays are not a time to blatantly market your firm, they’re a time to say, “Thank you, you did something important for me.” The marketing aspect comes from making an impression without thinking that your logo in the hands of your referral source or client is something special. I know you got all excited when you opened up the box of firm logo trinkets (“Oh, awesome, this is my name on something.”), but please, throw them away….

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Morning Docket: 12.10.12

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* “The people who are paying us say this is what we want.” When it comes to cross-border mergers, law firms aren’t becoming behemoths for the hell of it. The end goal is to be able to edge out the rest of the competition. [Wall Street Journal (sub. req.)]

* It’s been six weeks since Hurricane Sandy hit the east coast, and “[e]verybody wants to go back downtown,” but some Biglaw firms in New York City — firms like Harris Beach and Cahill Gordon — are still stuck in their temporary offices. [New York Law Journal]

* Following Jeh Johnson’s adieu to the DoD, drone-loving Harold Koh will be packing up his office at the State Department and returning to Yale Law to resume his professorship next month. [WSJ Law Blog (sub. req.)]

* According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the legal sector is employing 5,800 more people than it was at this time last year. We’d be in good shape if 40,000 people hadn’t graduated law school in May. [Am Law Daily]

* Another day, another wrist slap: Villanova Law has been placed on probation for by the Association of American Law Schools over its grade-inflation scandal. Does that even mean anything? [Philadelphia Inquirer]

* The Lanier Law Firm, known for its spectacular Christmas parties, hosted some country superstars at this year’s event. Guess we know where Faith Hill and Tim McGraw go for legal assistance. [Houston Chronicle]

* A slim majority of American adults think that federal government employees should just sit back, relax, and smoke a bowl instead of enforcing federal laws against marijuana use. [FiveThirtyEight / New York Times]

* “I’m sorry they are confused in the White House.” Puerto Rico’s statehood referendum received a majority of votes, but lawmakers say the results of the two-part plebiscite are too confusing to add a 51st state. [CNN]

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