Warning: The penis-to-vagina ratio in this week’s column is quite high. If you’re already on the mailing list for Rick Santorum 2012, you may want to avert your eyes — or go make fun of sissy-boy John Kerry for helping plan his daughter’s wedding.

Our fabulous finalist couples:

1. Sebastian Dungan and Lavi Soloway

2. Adam Levine and Janson Wu

3. Alisha Bhagat and Mark Egerman

Read more about these newlyweds, after the jump.

* Republicans slam Obama for his “empathy” standard for his SCOTUS nominee, citing an earlier speech on the Senate floor emphasizing a different standard. [The Washington Post]

* Speaking of Obama, is he “the best lawyer to occupy the U.S. presidency since William Howard Taft”? [Foreign Policy]

* The Yankees held a moot court in a room off the clubhouse. Would you want to face a jury of Derek Jeter and Johnny Damon? [The New York Times]

* The Justice Department has arranged for the first Guantanamo inmate to be tried in a New York court. [The Washington Post]

* Shuttered Chrysler dealers may have a tough time fighting their closures in court, due to the freedom that bankruptcy laws give courts to tear up contracts. [The Wall Street Journal]

* Immigrants are being deported in the middle of their court cases. [The Los Angeles Times]

Lindsay Harrison at One First Street. Photo by Patrice Gilbert.

Earlier this year, we conducted an interview of Lindsay C. Harrison, an associate in the Washington office of Jenner & Block. In January, Lindsay had the privilege of arguing before the United States Supreme Court — in her first oral argument ever. We chatted with her about the argument she presented in what was then Nken v. Mukasey and is now Nken v. Holder: what she wore, how she prepared, who was mean to her at argument.

This morning, the Supreme Court handed down its decision in the case. And even though Lindsay took the “liberal” position, she prevailed — by a 7-2 margin, with Chief Justice John Roberts writing for the Court. Congratulations, Lindsay!

Here’s a summary of the decision, from the ABA Journal:

A court of appeals retains its traditional authority to grant stays in deportation cases, despite a 1996 statute that limited the circumstances in which courts may block the removal of aliens, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled in a 7-2 opinion…..

The government had argued that a provision in the Illegal Immigration Reform and Immigrant Responsibility Act of 1996 limited the circumstances in which stays could be granted. The Supreme Court disagreed, saying the statutory provision — on injunctions blocking the removal of aliens — leaves intact the court’s traditional authority to grant stays….

Harrison says the decision is “a critical victory” for [Jean Marc] Nken. “It’s a case that could really literally mean life or death for my client,” she says. “If he were deported while his appeal was pending, he is likely to be killed or jailed or tortured in Cameroon.”

As Lindsay told us in our earlier interview, she and her colleagues at Jenner in D.C. have devoted hundreds — by now, thousands — of hours to the case (pro bono). It looks like the Chicago office of Jenner isn’t the only one that can burn the midnight oil.

(Digression: One tipster is skeptical of the claim that Jenner’s office in Chicago is busy round-the-clock: “Amusing article about a condo owner who can’t sleep because her new next door neighbor, Jenner & Block, leaves its lights on all the time. Every lawyer in Chicago knows that Jenner is faking it — it’s like the guy who slips into the office on Sunday for two minutes, just to be seen by anyone who happens to be there.”)

This afternoon, we caught up with Lindsay Harrison over the phone. Our interview, after the jump.

* Obama plans to begin pushing for an immigration bill this year. [Reuters]

* Need a job? Meet Katherine Wu, an executive at NBC universal who calls herself a “networking evangelist.” [The New York Times]

* The Office of Congressional Ethics is investigating Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. because of last year’s allegations that he may have been one of the candidates willing to buy the Illinois Senate seat. Please go on a media blitz, Jesse, please! (I just like writing “Blago” in my posts) [The Washington Post]

* The City of Detroit’s former top lawyer sued the city, claiming that she was illegally demoted for calling the 36th District Court a “ghetto court.” [The Detroit Free Press]

* Michael Jackson “beat it” without paying his legal bill. [The Daily Breeze]

* Former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain testified for 2.5 hours yesterday in New York in Attorney General Andrew Cuomo’s office, but wouldn’t say which employees got some of the $3.6 billion bonus pie before the merger with B of A. How are we supposed to know which men to date when we get laid off? Kidding….[Bloomberg]

* More than 100 clients of a man who pretended to be an immigration lawyer got free advice from Lawyers at the New York City Bar Association. [The New York Times]

* SCOTUS had a big day yesterday, ruling on a Utah union case and a case involvingIndian reservations, and hearing arguments on environmental cleanups. Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the first to ask questions. [ABA Journal]

* In Houston, a Republican on the congressional judiciary has called for the impeachment of U.S. District Judge Samuel Kent, aka the groper we’ve been writing about, who is still hoping to get retirement funds from the state. [The Houston Chronicle]

* Show me the money. Lawyers, bankers, and accountants stand to make $1.2 billion in fees from GM’s bankruptcy. [Bloomberg.com]

Lindsay Harrison at One First Street. Photo by Patrice Gilbert.

To paraphrase the controversial Campari ads at issue in Hustler Magazine v. Falwell (aka The People vs. Larry Flynt), everyone remembers “their first time” — arguing in open court, that is. It’s a rite of passage that all young litigators must go through. At large law firms, associates (or even junior partners) typically tackle something minor for their first oral argument — e.g., a non-critical discovery motion — and then work their way up the ladder.

But that’s not the case for everyone; some people start at the top. Meet Lindsay C. Harrison. She’s a fifth-year associate in the D.C. office of Jenner & Block, who just had her very first oral argument — which happened to be in the U.S. Supreme Court. On Wednesday, she appeared before the nine justices to argue the case of Nken v. Mukasey (or, technically, Nken v. Filip; more on the name changes later).

Read our interview with Lindsay Harrison, after the jump.

Perhaps not everyone will see the situation in the same way, but here’s an interesting story about the enforcement of our nation’s immigration laws. From an incensed reader:

We can have 12 million illegal immigrants, and instead this is whom the INS [FN1] seeks to deport: a hard-working, beloved Irish priest in South Dakota. This is the priest that performed my grandparents’ funerals and married my brothers. He’s totally beloved by the community, and now he’s being deported because of something everybody admits is a snafu. You have to love our government.

Fortunately, the people of my hometown are fighting this, and I hope they prevail. But the more publicity they can get for this travesty the better. Here is a link to the website that contains his story.

If you have thoughts on Father Cathal Gallagher’s case, also summarized here by the Catholic News Service, feel free to share them.

[FN1] Make that U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). A few years ago, as part of a massive reorganization, INS implemented underwent a Philip Morris / Altria-style name change (perhaps to escape from a horrible reputation, painstakingly cultivated over decades). Some of the former INS’s functions are now handled by ICE, and others are handled by the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services (BCIS) U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS).

Help Father Gallagher [The Situation]
The border is in South Dakota for Irish priest with immigration woes [Catholic News Service]
DeSmet Catholic Priest Forced To Leave U.S. [KSFY.com]

* Bong hits 4 farmers. [Washington Post via How Appealing]

* If looks could kill, then maybe this guy would have had a defense. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

* Privacy is so 20th century. [Reno Gazette-Journal]

* Good for him I guess, but isn’t this a little weird? [CNN]

* The best argument for immigration reform: qualified (i.e., hot) fashion models are being kept off American runways. [Fashionista]

* What rating does ATL get — e.g., G, PG, R, etc. — using this tool? To give you context, NBS is a PG-13. [Nasty, Brutish & Short]

* What blogs does Linda Greenhouse read? [My Times (“Journalist’s Picks”) via Romenesko]

* What blogs do judges read? [May It Please the Court]

* And what blogs should they read? [Blawg Review]

* Speaking of judges, here’s our Judge of the Day — possibly offensive, and wrong on the law too. [AP via NYT]

* The Weekly Standard’s Jonathan Last, on the Nixon Peabody non-theme-song: “Some things you just can’t un-hear.” [Galley Slaves]

* He killed, but it was a tough crowd; they crucified him. [CNN]

* Jeez, all sorts of shenanigans going on with convicted murderers. [CNN]

* It’s not going away folks. [Jurist]

* Yep, it’s still constitutional in Georgia. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

* Is this going to lead to people who suck at it not even being allowed to play golf? [WSJ Law Blog]

* Really, Baker, you’re gonna appeal? Listen, let it go. Nobody wants this guy in jail. [New York Times via How Appealing]

* Who will patrol the guardsmen? [New York Times]

* Senate seven votes shy on expressing no confidence in Gonzales. [Jurist]

* Rum and coke at a Bears game? [WSJ Law Blog]

* Five unanimous opinions from the U.S. Supreme Court. [SCOTUSblog via How Appealing]

* Duke, race, and why the honor code is harder to understand than “Fuqua” is to pronounce. [CNN; The News & Observer]

* When a woman rushes into the bathroom and emerges with no powder of any kind on her nose, it means she’s stealing your identity, fool. [Los Angeles Times]

* If models can insure their legs, surely this guy could have insured his nose. But I’m glad I now know that Zicam can make you oblivious to the smell of pee and chemical fires. [Charleston Daily Mail]

* Another travesty on an unsuspecting public? We seemed to have accepted the whole bottled water thing with little outcry. [Consumer Law & Policy Blog]

* I can really hear Madonna’s Frozen playing over a future Dateline segment on this troubled mother. [The Pittsburgh Channel]

* Padilla trial set to open. [AP via How Appealing]

* Heck of a plea bargain. [CNN]

* Will they sue like Imus? [BBC News]

* Deportes Perros: former teammate says Vick likes dog fighting. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

* Immigration reform: enforcement through local xenophobia. [Jurist]

* It could have been the principle of the matter. Or maybe just the drugs. [AL.com]

* Hugh Grant’s “assault” looks more like a pas de deux, but in any case, this is way more boring than another Divine Brown. [Daily Mail]

* And here I thought that “bible quiz” was just code for blow-job. [Middletown Journal]

* Australia, ultimately settled by British prisoners, seems to have forgotten its origins. [Fox News]

* Sports agent busted for smuggling Cuban baseball players. [ESPN]

* Is your bar licence up to date? [Law.com]

* So a lawyer, an “oilman,” and a donkey named Buddy walk into a courtroom… [MSNBC]

* Ohio strippers have to learn new dance steps. [AP via Dispatch]

* UNC’s soccer coach uses some really rough language, as does the 4th Circuit. [ABA Journal e-report]

* Officers face sanctions in Pat Tillman death in Afghanistan. [CNN; Sportsline]

* Australian at Gitmo pleads guilty to terror charges. [New York Times]

* Is Coke suing itself… for taste infringement? [Law.com]

* DOJ’s Monica Goodling to plead the 5th. [CNN]

* Border protection agent gets jail time for taking bribes. [MSNBC]

* Will Yalies respond with an NYU-esque gimmick? [Balkinization]

* And some people say raising kids and taking care of the house is a full-time job. Looks like the monetized value of a stay-at-home mom is not always so inflated after all. [Christian Science Monitor via CrimProf Blog]

* You just know that after a few minutes of official union matters, they’re going to be laughing it up about the stuff they see in our bags, and body parts that accidentally (or not) get felt up during pat-downs. [Yahoo! News]

* Another argument in favor of stronger Second Amendment rights? [MSN]

* I know these are the kinds of stories you want, so occasionally, you’ll get them. [WTHR Indianapolis]

* When you use YouTube to bootleg 24, the terrorists win. [WSJ Law Blog]

* North Carolina doctors refuse to play executioner; executions temporarily blocked. [Jurist]

* Wal-Mart agrees to cough up $33 million for overtime violations. [FindLaw]

* This wasn’t the law already?. [AP via Yahoo!]

* Seven defendants, including the estate of Kenneth Lay, dismissed from Enron shareholder derivative suit. [Jurist]

* Can someone please fix the damn clock in the Lewis Libby courtroom, before every news outlet turns it into a metaphor? [New York Times]

It turns out that Eumi Choi may not be the most controversial Asian-American female in a U.S. Attorney’s Office. From the San Diego Union-Tribune (via TPM):

The Bush administration has quietly asked San Diego U.S. Attorney Carol Lam, best known for her high-profile prosecutions of politicians and corporate executives, to resign her post, a law enforcement official said.

Lam, a Bush appointee who took the helm in 2002, was targeted because of job performance issues – in particular that she failed to make smuggling and gun cases a top priority, said the official, who declined to be identified because Lam has yet to step down.

But there may be some personality issues here too:

Lam has had high-profile successes during her tenure, such as the Randy “Duke” Cunningham bribery case – but she alienated herself from bosses at the Justice Department because she is outspoken and independent, said local lawyers familiar with her policies.

If true, this is troubling. The DOJ needs more, not fewer, outspoken minority women. And if the powers-that-be can put up with Eumi Choi and Shanetta Cutlar, surely they can stomach Carol Lam.

Two good quotes re: Lam’s being canned for not stressing immigration offenses enough. First, from Michael Attanasio, a criminal defense lawyer and former federal prosecutor:

“This office has clearly made a priority of investigating and prosecuting white collar offenses and has had occasional success doing so. One would think that would be valued by any administration, even if it meant fewer resources were devoted to routine and repetitive border crimes.”

“Routine and repetitive border crimes” — nice. (Although modifying the reference to “success” with “occasional” was kinda catty.)

And from Professor Mario Conte, former chief of Federal Defenders of San Diego Inc.:

“What do they want her to do, lock up Mexico?”

No, not necessary. But if she could put up a big wall, that might be nice.

Lam Is Asked To Step Down [San Diego Union-Tribune via Talking Points Memo]
Carol Lam bio [U.S. Attorney’s Office (S.D. Cal.)]
Carol C. Lam bio [Students & Leaders]

* All may not be genetically sound with Suri babies of holoprosencephaly sufferers. (But does genetic perfection really exist?) And once again, wordplay gets us out of the woods of potential litigation by a crazy actor midget. [Overlawyered]

* Jack Abramoff has been hitting the books in the prison law library and will represent himself in two lawsuits filed against him by Indian tribes. I think “kitchen duty and carpentry” is prison-speak for “shower activities.” [Law.com]

* Off-ensive or just off-menu? Not brought to you by the people who brought you this refreshing drink. [Vivir Latino via Racialicious]

* Remember when we used to de-contract words (e.g., “does not” for “doesn’t”) to inch our way towards the minimum word requirement? [FN1] Apparently, this is the only way law school is not like high school. [PrawfsBlawg]

[FN1] Enough already! law professors lament. And yes, smart aleck, footnotes do count toward the word limit.

* Running with Scissors writer Augusten Burroughs is being sued for libel, not for his part in the adaptation of his memoir into the abysmally bad film version. [Vanity Fair]

* Any future husband of mine should be so lucky as to take on “Q” as their last name, or our combined last name. But for the record, could it be that “Buday” is pronounced “booty”? [ACLU of Southern California via PrawfsBlawg]