Masturbation

Coming to the Defense of Judge Kevin P. Moriarty

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kevin_moriarty.jpgLast month, we linked to a story in Courthouse News Service about Kansas Judge Kevin Moriarty. Kansas attorney Kimberly Ireland filed a lawsuit against Judge Moriarty, alleging that he had used inappropriate language and masturbated during her divorce mediation.
In her suit, she said that her ex-husband supported her and had testified about the judge’s inappropriate behavior at the mediation during their divorce trial.
After the post went up, her ex, Kevin Ireland, reached out to us to set the record straight:

First off, I am not in support of this lawsuit. I never had issue with anything the judge did during our mediation.

There may have been some bad language, but there was no beating of the honorable gavel, says Ireland.

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Attack of the Stack Whacker at American University – Washington College of Law

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american university washington college of law.jpgA female law student at American University – Washington College of Law had an unpleasant Yom Kippur. First, she was at the library at 11 p.m. on a Monday night.

Second, she had some unexpected company.

From an e-mail that went out to WCL students earlier this week:

TO ALL STUDENTS, FACULTY & STAFF
INCIDENT REPORT

Incident:

On Monday, September 28, at approximately 11:00 pm, a male visitor to the Pence Library exposed himself to a WCL female student while in the quiet reading room of the library. The male then ran out of the library and although chased by WCL students across Mass Ave was able to avoid getting caught. During the chase he dropped a bag containing personal papers possible indicating his name but no address.

They say hell has no fury like a women scorned. But the fury of Jezebel over bloggerly treatment of female harassment might be worse. So when one of my male co-editors responded to this tip with, “This is AWESOME. Who wants to do the honors?”, I realized I better handle this one.

At Duke, masturbatory attacks on unsuspecting female students in the Perkins Library stacks happened with some regularity. I thought this was the case at university libraries across the land, but my co-editors tell me such incidents did not occur at their alma maters. Apparently Duke has more in common with AU than with Harvard and Yale.

More on the Attack of the Stack Whacker, after the jump.

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Judge of the Day: Kevin P. Moriarty

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kevin_moriarty.jpgKimberly and Kevin Ireland, of Kansas, decided in 2007 to file for a divorce. Their case was mediated by state judge Kevin Moriarty. Things did not go well from there.
From a pro se complaint [PDF] against Moriarty posted at Courthouse News Service:

Defendant Moriarty used the word “f*&%” during the mediation… Defendant Moriarty discussed plaintiff Ireland’s female undergarments and referred to the same as “panties” during the mediation… Defendant Moriarty discussed plaintiff Ireland’s sex life during the mediation.

According to Kathy Ireland, none of this was relevant to the mediation. But Moriarty thought it was important. And exciting:

Defendant Moriarty appeared to be masturbating during the mediation.

It all sounds pretty crazy, right? But Ireland’s ex-husband is actually backing her up on this.

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Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

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supreme court small with heart above the law atl.JPGTo San Francisco, apparently, to clerk on the Ninth Circuit.
We hope that the author of this email is clerking for one of court’s slave-driver judges. He needs to be kept busy, so he won’t have time for any more literary endeavors.
“Pleaded” or “pled” may be a matter of personal preference. But turns of phrase like “I had to have breakfast with my unit” and “the inadequate salve of an orgasm” ought to be criminalized — even in the Ninth Circuit.
Correction: We’ve heard from the woman who received the email. As it turns out, she works for the Ninth Circuit; the sender does not (although he is an attorney, in southern California). She construes the references to the Ninth Circuit to mean “that the job he currently has is *his version* of the Ninth Circuit — that is, his dream job.”
“It Was A Risk — Dating You. Risking My Reputation. Where Was Respect For That?” [Jezebel]

Non-Sequiturs: 07.25.07

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Elizabeth Halverson small Judge Elizabeth Halverson Liz Halverson Above the Law blog.JPG* Can you invoke the Fifth Amendment if you’re a juror being voir dired? [Southern District of Florida Blog]
* When it comes to the administrative state, you can run but you can’t hide. [DealBreaker]
* The Elizabeth Halverson saga rolls on — and social studies teachers are grateful for the judicial soap opera: “My high school students have never read the newspaper with such genuine excitement before… So please, let Judge Halverson stay on the bench, just a little bit longer.” [ABA Journal]
* Who’s up for an Italian sausage grinder? [New York Post]

British Prisoners: They Gotta Have Faith

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Faith George Michael Abovethelaw Above the Law legal blog.jpg

Well they guess it would be nice
If they could touch his body…

And soon they may have their chance.
George Michael Faces Jail: Michael ‘was on drugs’ court told [BBC News via Drudge Report]

Lawyer of the Day Last Friday: H. Dewain Herring

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Spanking the Monkey H Dewain Herring Above the Law blog.gifWe meant to link to this amusing story last Friday. Unfortunately, between salary coverage and entertaining visitors at our office hours, it fell through the cracks.
Anyway, to find out why H. Dewain Herring, Esq., currently on trial for murder, is ATL’s Lawyer of Last Friday, click here. You’ll be treated to the story of a prosecution featuring “salacious themes of lap dances, drug use and public nakedness.”
Herring’s defense: accidental discharge. Which, to be sure, happens all the time in strip clubs.
To pique your interest, here’s an excerpt from the trial transcript, courtesy of a source on the ground in Columbia, South Carolina:

q. and when you entered the champagne room he was masturbating, right?
a. yes, he was spanking that monkey
q. and when you entered, he saw you and kept masturbating.
a. yes, he kept on spanking that thing.
q. kept on spanking it, ok…

If he were still on the bench, and if this had happened in Oklahoma rather than South Carolina, we know the perfect judge for this trial.
Defense Stresses Lack of Intent [The State]

A Mini-Trend: Law Students in the Nude?

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Oona O'connell law student Above the Law blog.jpgWe’ve told you all about Adrienne, the Boston College law student who did a sexy swimsuit spread for a magazine. And we’ve been all over (hehe) Adriana, the Brooklyn Law School 3L who romped naked before the camera for Playboy TV.

But let’s set the record straight. The phenomenon of law students taking it off for the camera is nothing new.

Well before Adrienne and Adriana, there was Oona O’Connell. From a tipster:

“A first year associate at my firm told me about this… He went to U. Miami and knew a fellow law student who posed for Playboy.”

“Apparently, her name is Oona O’Connell (which could be either the name of her first pet or the street she lived on as a kid, if my porn-name generator is correct). She is a 3L at the University of Miami Law School, and she’s also a Hawaiian Tropic model. Apparently she was in the May 2006 issue of Playboy, and she may shoot a ‘feature’ for an upcoming issue.”

“The only female nudity at MY law school took place when the student ACLU girls went topless to protest a local nudity ordinance. They were not airbrushed. OY.”

More about this comely young law student, including links to her Playboy pics, after the jump.

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Non-Sequiturs: 04.18.07

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library Above the Law blog.jpg* The headline screams “Britney!” But, in fact, this plaintiff was not wearing too-long jeans and fleeing the press — he was tasered. [Houston Chronicle]
* In my college days, this kind of activity was confined to private study booths known as “weenie bins.” We respected the books. [AP via Yahoo! News]
* Are royalties drying up, or is this (PDF) a legit lawsuit? [Los Angeles Times]
* Is teamwork encouraged in law school? Well, there is no “I” in team, but there sure is one in “Order of the Coif.” [Law School Innovation]

Non-Sequiturs: 03.19.07

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* Unlike batting averages, Zagat numbers are not exactly accurate to begin with. And don’t you wonder who fills out those surveys anyway? [New York Post]
* You defile it, you buy it. [Morning Call]
* While this does merit more than a Non-Sequitur, a show of hands of those who really care about Phil Spector or his rip-off of William Burroughs’s “William Tell” defense. [Reuters via Yahoo! News]
* Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go… [Jurist]

Thankfully, No Allegations Have Been Leveled Against Paula Abdul

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It can make you go blind — AND it can cause you to be named as the defendant in a civil lawsuit:
American Idol Mario Vasquez Above the Law Blog.jpg
(We love how “masturbation” appears in quotation marks. We realize it’s a quotation from the Complaint, but it reads as it were placed in scare-quotes — as if it were a less technical and more colloquial term, a la “spanking the monkey.”)
“A.I.” Contestant Accused of “Masturbating” in Suit [TMZ.com]

Best Way To Get an Upgrade

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Northwest Airlines NWA Above the Law blog.jpgWhat is it about being 30,000 feet in the air that makes people so horny? First this. Then this. And now, this disturbing news story:

An off-duty Northwest Airlines employee was arrested after a woman on a flight from Seattle complained that the man had ejaculated on her.

The FBI identified the man as Samuel Oscar Gonzalez, 20, of Lakewood, Wash. He was charged in federal court with simple assault, a misdemeanor.

It happened on the redeye Monday morning from Seattle to Minneapolis. The woman was headed back to college.

Near the end of the flight, the FBI said Gonzalez sat next to the woman as she was trying to sleep. He touched her, which she described as spooning, lifted her shirt and then got up and left. Court documents said she felt a warm fluid on her back, clothes and seat after he walked away.

Nasty. Well, at least he wasn’t a state court judge.

The woman told the flight attendants about the incident. They moved her to another seat and called police from the air. The crew also moved the man to a seat near the front of the plane until the end of the flight.

He just wanted to sit in first class. Is that so wrong?
Or maybe he was just having trouble falling asleep on the red-eye flight. We’re sure that he slept quite soundly after this encounter.
Off-Duty NWA Worker Charged With Assault On Flight [CBS via Drudge Report]
United States v. Gonzalez: Criminal Complaint [PDF]