Nauseating Things

‘I’ll eat my placenta with some fava beans and a nice chianti.’

We steam it really gently over ginger, a very traditional postpartum herb, and lemon. There’s a tea left over that tastes surprisingly good. We have the mother drink that tea. It’s very nourishing.

Raeben Nolan of Tree of Life Placenta Services, describing just one of the wonderful ways that women can feast upon their placentas now that Oregon has legalized their ability to take their afterbirth home, after birth.

Edward De Sear

A story that we thought couldn’t get uglier just did. Edward De Sear, a former partner at several top law firms who stood accused of child pornography distribution, pleaded guilty to four counts of distribution of child pornography and to sex trafficking of a child.

One could argue that federal sentences for mere possession or even distribution of child pornography are too high. As noted in a 2012 article in USA Today, in some cases “offenders who possess and distribute child pornography can go to prison for longer than those who actually rape or sexually abuse a child.”

But if you possess child pornography, distribute child pornography, and sexually abuse children in real life, you deserve to go away for a very long time. What kind of sentence did Edward De Sear receive?

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That’s the sound of the men, blogging on the train, gaa-ang. That’s the sound of the men, blogging on the train, gang.

Sorry, blogging on an iPad while heading to a shut-down D.C. for our trivia night reminds me of prison, for some reason.

Don’t get me wrong, blogging on a train and being incarcerated are still far better than going to law school. The Northeast Regional and the penitentiary might not be particularly comfortable, but at least the toilets work.

Can your law school say the same?

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Toilet Law School: This Is Not A Metaphor”

The pages of Above the Law are littered with lawyers who have tried to use their status as legal eagles to get out of brushes with law enforcement. Not their legal knowledge — smart lawyers who have run-ins with the law keep their mouths shut, don’t blow, and save their arguments for judges instead of arresting officers. But smart attorneys make for boring stories.

It’s the people who think that just being a lawyer will keep them out of jail who bring the real fun. Once a cop gets a look at your Cravath prestige points (or the local equivalent), he’ll just look the other way and allow you to stumble to your car.

Think of folks like the young associate who allegedly told a police officer, “You are going to… die. I’m a lawyer. You can Google me.” Or the future prosecutor who allegedly said, “I start with the Linn County Prosecutor’s Office next Tuesday. I want you to arrest me for not signing this.” Or the prominent lawyer who allegedly said, “You can’t arrest me. I represent Seattle and King County. You are making a mistake.”

Well, today we have another classy Seattle legal lady. But this one allegedly did her talking not just with her mouth, but with her anus…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Pooping On The Po-Po: Colorful Allegations Against An Attorney”

Working at a small law firm definitely has its perks. You’ll be able to get to know most, if not all, of the partners on a one-on-one basis; oftentimes, you’ll be able to bring in clients to the firm as a mere associate; and perhaps most importantly, your job won’t make you hate the law quite as much, because the overall environment will be more friendly and collegial.

But on the flip side of that analysis, such collegiality can sometimes lead to misplaced casualness in terms of emails about office behavior. It’s just that your office is so small that sending off-the-cuff nastygrams can become commonplace. You’d be surprised how quickly an email request that others not use your french vanilla coffee creamer can turn into an f-bomb-laden screed.

So you can only imagine the kind of email that would be sent if there was a nasty stench pervading the nostrils of all who inhabited the office….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “If You Don’t Bathe Yourself, Don’t Bother Showing Up to Work”

I prefer my final exam freak-out stories to be of this variety instead of a freaking remake of Quills.

You all know how much I appreciate a good final exam freak-out. Law students losing their minds under the crushing pressure of end-of-the-year exams is one of those things that makes my job fun.

But not today. Because I really don’t like fecal humor. If I’m going to talk about poo on the walls, I want to be making an elaborate, overwrought analogy about what I intend to do with the conservative opinion in Fisher. I don’t want to be talking about literal poop on an actual wall in a real law school.

Unfortunately, it looks like this semester’s top exam disassociative break involves: poop, walls, urinals, and a New York area law school…

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Gilberto Valle, aka the ‘Cannibal Cop’

Sitting in judgment of another human being is difficult. This case in particular has not been an easy one … [with] material that degrades the human spirit.

– Judge Paul Gardephe, thanking the jury that just convicted Gilberto Valle, the so-called “cannibal cop,” of conspiracy to kidnap.

(More about this grisly case, after the jump.)

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‘That’s just our special sauce!’

* Six Supreme Court justices attended last night’s State of the Union address, and although it was all hugs and kisses and handshakes to start off with, some looked as if they were due for naptime by its end (coughRBGcough). [Blog of Legal Times]

* It’s a clash of the Biglaw titans! In a face off between legal heavyweights, the Second Circuit has set aside time to hear arguments from Ted Olson and David Boies in the Argentine bondholder case. [Thomson Reuters News & Insight]

* Dewey know if this document specialist’s Worker Adjustment and Retraining Notification Act lawsuit has got any legs to it? It certainly must, because Judge Martin Glenn very recently denied the failed firm’s motion to dismiss it. [Am Law Daily]

* Congratulations to Paulette Brown of Edwards Wildman Palmer. This Jersey girl is the uncontested nominee for ABA president in 2015, making her the first minority woman to hold the title. [New Jersey Law Journal]

* Send in the clowns (or loads of O’Melveny and Akin lawyers): Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, has a low opinion of David Einhorn’s Greenlight Capital lawsuit, referring to it as nothing more than a “silly sideshow.” [Reuters]

* “It is up to us in the academy to prepare our students for the future no matter what it holds.” Dean Frank Wu of UC Hastings seems to be on the right track when it comes to necessary law firm reforms. [Huffington Post]

* Poor, poor Teresa Wagner. She was allegedly denied a job because of her conservative views, and her case ended in a mistrial. That kind of a thing could drive a woman to drink… and drive. [Iowa City Press Citizen]

* Not only does Lehigh University ruin every college basketball bracket in the nation, but it also provides great “I’m suing you because of my crappy grades” fodder. Oh my God, I really miss you, Lehigh! [Morning Call]

* Thanks to the wisdom of the Ninth Circuit, we now know that, at least in Washington, a spit-laden hamburger from Burger King is grounds for emotional distress damages. Ugh, that’s nasty! [WSJ Law Blog (sub. req.)]

* The Fifth Circuit upheld a federal law banning gun sales to people under 21 years old. Oh! The humanity! What will the nation’s teenagers do without booze or their own guns? [WSJ Law Blog]

* A New York cop is charged with planning to kidnap, cook, and eat 100 women. Gross. I wonder if this will tarnish the NYPD’s sterling reputation. [Daily Intel / New York Magazine]

* Scratching your nuts in public is gross, but it’s not the same as, uh, some other grosser, more illegal activities. It would behoove this woman to learn to recognize the difference. [Legal Juice]

* Should wearing “personality” glasses count against a criminal defendant? I dunno, but as a guy who has to wear glasses I find it bizarre that people choose to wear them as fashion accessories. Might as well wear a useless prosthetic arm too; I hear they’re the next hip trend. [Legal Blog Watch]

* Another intra-family lawsuit: Geoffrey Richards, who teaches at Northwestern Law School, has been sued by his 95-year-old grandfather over a family financial dispute. The grandfather is also calling Richards a “scoundrel” and the “greatest disappointment” in his life. Ouch. [DealBreaker]

* President Obama has endorsed several same-sex marriage ballot proposals. Nice work, Barry. [BuzzFeed]

* Insights and advice for people interested in fashion law (from Ron Coleman and others). [Likelihood of Confusion]

From catching up with friends to paying your bills, the use of email and internet technology is so prevalent that the days of waiting for the mailman to come seem like a relic of the past. If you’re waiting for a package to arrive, however, then all bets are off. You’ll probably check and reload the tracking information online until you’re blue in the face, and then squeal with joy when the mailman shows up with your delivery.

But even as the mail gets phased out, as the old saying goes, neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. And speaking of swift completion, today we’ve got a tale of a mailman’s speedy delivery of a rather unexpected “package” — one capable of turning squeals of joy to groans of disgust in no time flat.

If you’re in California and you’ve been wondering why your mail is all sticky, we may have an answer for you….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “‘You’ve Got Mail!’ Woman Sues Mailman After He Allegedly Masturbates on Her Lawn”

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