Nauseating Things

It has been some time since we’ve had a good old fashioned law school lunch fight. But it was only a matter of time until cafeteria tempers at one law school or another boiled over once again.

This time, it’s not only tempers, but various illnesses and maladies apparently spreading across the angsty University of Michigan Law School cafeteria.

Let’s get our hands dirty….

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This community service stinks.

Ahh, “sh*t law.” In case you aren’t familiar with the term, it’s what some lawyers rudely and condescendingly call legal practice outside of Biglaw. From traffic tickets to personal injury, you name it, and it’s apparently a derivative of “sh*t law.”

Back in March, we brought you a story about Joseph Neal Jr., the apparent king of one of these so-called “sh*t law” practices in Augusta, Georgia. Neal, a prominent personal injury attorney, earned our Lawyer of the Day title after he and his ex-wife racked up criminal charges for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting the family babysitter. Neal later went on to earn 21% of the vote in our March Lawyer of the Month competition.

Now, just a few short months later, Neal has been sentenced after accepting the terms of a plea bargain. The deal reduced a felony rape charge to two misdemeanors. Neal will serve three years of supervised probation, and he’ll also commit to a term of community service that some would call a bit of poetic justice….

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No, noooooooo!

SPOILER ALERT! This post is significantly more scary than anything that happened in Prometheus.

Here’s a question for all you fantasy tort lawyers out there: what do you do if you own a possessed urinal? Is your duty of care lessened if you can established that your property is demonically possessed? Seriously, at what point does an evil toilet become an intervening factor that supersedes any alleged negligence on the part of a defendant?

All these questions and more might be answered in the case of Dejoie v. Arby’s. Kenneth Dejoie claims that a urinal at a Colorado Arby’s burned his genitals. Frankly, that’s at least as scary as an alien that has acid for blood….

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On these pages, we cover a fair number of lawsuits relating to female anatomy. Suits about women who say they were fired from their jobs for their stunning beauty (or, depending on your level of cynicism, their other intimidating feminine assets). But we less frequently write about lawsuits stemming from the male anatomy.

Today, we’re making up for lost time. This afternoon we have two stories about men who allegedly have trouble with properly managing their personal packages, thus causing varying degrees of trauma to themselves and people around them.

Are these suits sexy? NO. Are they crazy? Uh, yup. Salacious? Check. And no matter how one discusses these suits, it will sound like an awkward conversation with Tobias Fünke.

So, let’s check out our Lawsuits of the Day. And watch your step…

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It is the dream of many a young attorney to appear in front of the Supreme Court of the United States and argue the most important legal cases of the day.

To achieve career success like that of, say, Carter Phillips, who has argued dozens of cases in front of the nine, is a lofty aspiration, to say the least.

But there are other ways of appearing in front of a Supreme Court justice that might leave you with the bitter taste of bile in your mouth. At least one law student knows what we mean by that, quite literally….

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An actual greyhound wouldn't have been so destructive.

Hey, don’t look at me, I spent my weekend planting Mountain Fire andromedas in my garden.

A man in Nashville allegedly went on an epic rampage, and he used somebody’s desk at a local law office as a restroom.

Like a boss….

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It’s springtime, and you know what that means: the Above the Law tips inbox has started overflowing with lurid tales of Barrister’s Ball debauchery. To start the season off on the right foot, we’ve got story for you from a law school that’s been on our watch list before for alcohol-related offenses.

Apparently students at this Massachusetts law school don’t know how to hold their liquor, much less how to properly budget for a such boozy extravaganza. This event is rumored to have cost the Student Bar Association more than $20,000, with overbudget expenses alleged to have reached the $8,000 mark.

Not too shabby for an affair where various bodily fluids were spilled. The ensuing drama all played out on the school’s online forum, where the following message appeared:

Can we all make a pact not to post this to ATL like someone did with those crazy booze swilling alcoholic 1Ls (now 2Ls)?

Alas, it seems that the kids at this school aren’t good at holding their secrets, either….

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I feel queasy just looking at this photo of Nutriloaf.

Deliberate withholding of nutritious food or substitution of tainted or otherwise sickening food, with the effect of causing substantial weight loss, vomiting, stomach pains, and maybe an anal fissure (which is no fun at all, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal_fissure (visited March 15, 2012)), or other severe hardship, would violate the Eighth Amendment.

– Judge Richard Posner, in Tuesday’s ruling in Prude v. Clarke. The Seventh Circuit reinstated a lawsuit filed by a prisoner who alleged that being fed nutriloaf (a.k.a. Nutraloaf) in the Milwaukee County Jail amounted to cruel and unusual punishment.

(Judge Posner had more strong words to say about nutriloaf, as well an in-depth analysis to answer this crucial question: what the heck is nutriloaf?)

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Lawyer screwed me.

Today, we have a real law school horror story. One that could have been written by Stephen King:

“Our tipster took her MPRE exam through over two hours of s**t smelling foulness I can’t even imagine. Or maybe I don’t want to imagine.”

Yeah, that’s right, we have a tipster who claims that one location for Saturday’s MPRE exam was beset by “fecal matter.”

Pop quiz: can a lawyer advertise that her law offices aren’t full of s**t?

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'So then I said to them, 'We have, like, a staggered board AND a poison pill. So suck on that!''

The halls are alive with… the sound of vermin? As we’ve mentioned earlier today, some top law firms (and even one top law school) are experiencing problems with rodents, insects, and other pests.

And, unfortunately, some of these critters have crept into company canteens. Thanks to New York City’s controversial system of rating restaurants, in which establishments receive letter grades based on their health and sanitation violations (or lack thereof), we know which law firm cafeterias are worth patronizing (and which ones are best avoided).

Let’s take a look at which Biglaw behemoths have the best — and the buggiest — dining rooms….

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