Non-Sequiturs

* Lawyer explains to court how people illegally implanted a silicon chip in her head. No word on her feelings about Mondays. [Tampa Bay Times]

* How much juice content did Coca-Cola think allowed them to market a product as juice? The answer will actually surprise you unless you really, really hate Coke. [PR Log]

* Defendants should not have access to the Internet because they could beat someone to death with an iPad. I guess. [Lowering the Bar]

* Mobile crammers settle for $10 million. The charge will appear on their next month’s phone bill. [Law and More]

* Like most things in life, the path to victory involves beginning from the KISS principle. [Katz Justice]

* Of all the over-the-top immigration control efforts in this country, arresting a couple in bed for not being “married enough” is one of the craziest. [Sun Sentinel]

* The American Bar Association, fresh off loosening its accreditation standards, is actually trying to dupe kids into thinking this is the best time to attend law school. Check out this ad. And if you want to play with it in Photoshop, that would be cool too…

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* While you weren’t looking, Phil Mickelson was cleared of insider trading of Clorox options. How does Lefty get his reputation back? Shooting better than 70 at Pinehurst would help. [mitchellepner]

* Lat reviews The Good Lawyer (affiliate link) by Douglas O. Linder and Nancy Levit. [Wall Street Journal]

* Canada grants asylum to Florida sex-offender. Maybe Canada can give a hand to Crystal Metheny. [National Post]

* Lawyer charged with stealing from clients defends himself: “[Wife] had become accustomed to a lavish lifestyle that generated living expenses of $40K per month.” Well then! [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

* Can President Obama just raise taxes unilaterally? Apparently so. [DealBook / New York Times (gavel bang: TaxProf Blog)]

* So as I read this, someone who definitely bought prostitutes to influence people is accusing someone else of allegedly buying prostitutes to influence people. [Forbes]

* How to make the most of your summer associate experience and not screw up spectacularly (though if you choose to screw up spectacularly, please do it in a reportable way). Video below… [Mimesis Law]

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* Opening fire because a fast food place screwed up your burger order would be crazy. If they did it a second time? Well… [Lowering the Bar]

* McCutcheon at work in North Carolina. Yay free speech! [Constitutional Accountability Center]

* Texas prosecutor compares NAACP member to white supremacist. Because those are totally the same thing. [Houston Chronicle]

* In case you’ve ever wondered who’d win a fight between DMX and Justice Frankfurter, here’s your answer. [Slate]

* Having more fun with gun nuts. [Lawyers, Guns & Money]

* We’ve discussed trial by combat’s past before, but is it still a real thing? Video below, including shout-outs to Professor Adam Winkler. [The Young Turks]

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* The intellectual property history of dog leashes. How long is a patent in dog years? [Slate]

* Trinity Western University, the new law school that bans gay people, just earned a thumbs down vote from thousands of area lawyers objecting to its accreditation. [CBC]

* 10 real-life laws that regulate the supernatural world. [io9]

* There’s a new bill of rights in this country and it comes from the IRS. The right to basically avoid taxes is only on the form for rich people. [TaxProf Blog]

* Mass incarceration in this country degrades citizenship. Sadly, this statement needed to be made. [Boston Review]

* After receiving an award, a young lawyer blasts legal aid cuts. [Legal Cheek]

* The Daily Show examines the ongoing effort to unionize college football with commentary by Dee Dee Benkie. She’s wrong of course — college football unions would work like professional sports unions representing players who face exactly the same workplace hazards, instead of stereotypical longshoremen — but it’s good to see even an anti-union advocate agreeing that players deserve something more than what they currently get. Video below…. [The Daily Show]

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* When you look back and see only one set of footprints, that was when Jesus was telling you, “Don’t go to law school.” [Law School Lemmings]

* Attention summers! Here’s a cavalcade of advice on not acting like an a**hole. [Corporette]

* ABA committee approves new accreditation standards allowing more students to enter without taking the bar exam. Texas breathes a sigh of relief. [LSAT Blog]

* This is the nerdiest law school final ever. Bravo. [Law and the Multiverse]

* Judge and prosecutor discuss dinosaurs. [New Yorker]

* I know a physician sending sexts while patients are under is serious, but I just can’t help but envision Dr. Nick Riviera. [Seattle Times]

* Law firms are rushing to get into the marriage equality game — but only on one side. [Reuters]

* Here’s a nice little listicle of famous female criminals. Just in time for Orange Is The New Black. [Arrest Records]

* Virginia State Senator resigns and changes the leadership of the Senate to the opposite party. Why would he do this? His daughter isn’t going to get a judgeship out of this or anything is she? [Slate]

* The Republicans are in long-term trouble. Maybe they should consider becoming the “party of innovation.” Apparently regulation is the only thing holding that back. Not investing in education, infrastructure, or having a government hostile to science. [National Review]

* Philip K. Howard, the author of The Rule of Nobody (affiliate link) sat down with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show last night. Video after the jump….

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* Jury duty is the only major civic duty that no one ever talks about. Professor Andrew Ferguson would like to change that by encouraging jurors to speak up about their experience. Enjoy learning how the sausage of justice is made! [Huffington Post]

* Verizon threatens to sue Netflix for honestly reporting how bad Verizon’s internet speeds are. [DailyTech]

* Hey, after all those threesomes, Case Western Med School is the one in court over “professionalism” concerns. [Cleveland Plain-Dealer]

* Of course a case about using a chemical weapon on a mistress is named “Bond.” Let’s examine Justice Scalia’s curious concurrence, shall we? [Constitutional Accountability Center]

* Dragons and isolationism. Makes sense. [The Legal Geeks]

* Cybercrime is pretty costly. [Lawfare]

* The emerging schism in the LGBT community on whether the term “Tranny” is empowering or a slur. Of course this is Legal Insurrection coverage, so the conclusion here is everyone who’s not with the straight white male program should just keep quiet, but the issue itself is interesting. [Legal Insurrection]

* Judge Kopf was asked to review Uncertain Justice by Professor Tribe and Joshua Matz. He didn’t want to do it, but thankfully he changed his mind. [Hercules and the Umpire]

* Slate Money discussed the Second Circuit’s reversal of Judge Rakoff last week and cited Above the Law specifically for the word “benchslap.” [Slate Money]

* Congratulations to UC Hastings dean and occasional ATL columnist Frank Wu on his reappointment as chancellor and dean! [UC Hastings]

* Lawyer + Cat = Internet win. Here’s the pic that’s going viral… [Imgur]

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* Beastie Boys prevail in another intellectual property fight. This time winning $1.7 million from Monster Energy — the drink that guarantees you’ll get no sleep until Brooklyn. [Grantland]

* Law school hands out the wrong exam. To the whole class. [Legal Cheek]

* Best politico defense of taking a bribe: I was too drunk to realize I was being bribed! [New York Post]

* Lawyer wrote “go ahead and disbar me” to Departmental Disciplinary Committee. Sometimes there’s no just bluff to call. [Legal Profession Blog]

* One more problem with high student debt: debt alone can nix your character and fitness approval. [Arizona Law Review]

* A celebration of courtroom illustrators in light of the release of The Illustrated Courtroom: 50 Years of Court Art (affiliate link) [Illustrated Courtroom]

* Vice Media is doing tremendous work exposing injustices. Perhaps they need to look into their own office. (UPDATE: Vice has changed its ways and now pays its interns.) [Capital New York]

* In a comical bout of karma, a landlord sued its blogger resident for alleged defamation. Next thing you know, HUD inspection records come to light. Let’s just say the landlord should be very unhappy that truth is a defense. [Columbus Dispatch]

* Check out the conclusion of ReplyAll’s conversation with John Grisham. [Above the Law]

* Do you think someone is not happy with Jones Foster’s billing practices?

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* Apparently Hogwarts has opened up a law school. Protip: Slytherin kids make the best lawyers. [Legal Cheek]

* Judge Ana Gardiner was disbarred for texting the prosecutor while presiding over a murder trial. It’s good to see Broward County take back the spotlight of crazy from Brevard County. [Daily Business Review]

* Don’t dress as an animal at a zoo unless you want to get shot. [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

* Remember the Seinfeld episode where Uncle Leo thinks every bad break is the result of anti-Semitism? Meet Uncle Leo the Lawyer. [Las Vegas Review-Journal]

* What does your hair mean for your career? [Corporette]

* Skadden Arps says there’s no such thing as “clandestine contracts” with high-frequency traders. They probably wanted to check with their clients before making that claim… [Wall Street on Parade]

* Elizabeth Wurtzel wants to have babies. Woe to the Republic. [Time]

* We are entering the Age of Narcissism. [What About Clients]

* We’ve discussed the troubling statistics showing that black people are by and large shut out of career advancement in Biglaw. Aric Press, editor-in-chief at ALM, discusses the study with Lee Pacchia below…. [Mimesis Law]

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Johnny Manziel (By: Thomas Campbell-USA TODAY Sports)

* Sad day for Jonathan Lee Riches. His lawsuit over Johnny Manziel’s penis has been thrown out of court. [Black Sports Online]

* Hot on the heels of yesterday’s item about SCOTUS porn parties, Professor Tribe guest blogs about his new book (affiliate link) and coercion, bribery, and influence. [The Volokh Conspiracy / Washington Post]

* Former Brooklyn DA and aspiring TV star Charles Hynes is staring down larceny accusations. [Gothamist]

* Texas basically assigns a cop to actively discourage investigate indigent parties seeking assigned counsel. [Socialist Gumshoe]

* The Supreme Court doesn’t like talking about patents — its opinions on the subject are getting shorter and shorter. [Patently-O]

* A lawyer is in hot water for allowing underaged drinking at a post prom party. The point was to keep the kids from driving. But no good deed goes unpunished. [Turn to 10]

* An interesting profile of one of my favorite professors, Ken Feinberg, labeling him “the lawyer who decides what a life is worth.” Yikes. [KDVR]

* The business strategy of just telling clients what they want to hear deflates. [Dealbreaker]

* Who says no one reads law reviews? The porn industry does and they really like this student Note. [XBiz]

* This is why we can’t have nice things. Second Circuit explains that if a revolving door agency of sycophants says it’s OK, it’s OK. Full opinion below…. [New York Times]

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* Dan Marino was suing the NFL over concussions, becoming the highest profile former player to level a suit against the league. Among his allegations, he claims concussions led him to hold that ball laces in for Ray Finkle. Why do I say “was,” you ask? Because he claims he filed suit accidentally. No greater proof of the dangers of concussions necessary. [Awful Announcing]

* The Supreme Court used to gather in the basement and watch porn together according to Larry Tribe (affiliate link). Best anecdote is Justice Marshall narrating porn to the nearly blind Justice Harlan. You can spoil the ending for Justice Harlan here. [Washington Post]

* It turns out the Brits have their own obsession with law school rankings. Here’s their “league table” for a legal education. [The Guardian]

* You know not to wear a bikini to the firm pool party, but what should you wear to the other summer events? [Corporette]

* An article ponders when firms are going to figure out that recent law school grads are perfect paralegals. Thanks for that kick in the gut. [New Geography]

* Following up on an older story, the Fifth Circuit has withdrawn a ruling made in 2007 upon revelations that one of the judges involved had a financial interest in one of the parties. [Center for Public Integrity]

* Do we need more reasons why Bitcoin is stupid? Ah, it’s used in messy divorces to hide assets. Perfect. [Digital Journal]

* Debt collectors are increasingly giving up on calling you all the time and just seeking default judgments. [Huffington Post]

* From the SUNY Buffalo commencement, Judge Thomas Franczyk and graduate Joey Nicastro took the stage to perform a song for the occasion. Francis Malofiy is already planning to sue them. Video below….

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