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More on the Attorney General in the Emory Law Library

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Jesus freak Above the Law.jpgWe have a weakness for the ridiculous and bizarre. So we’re finding ourselves quite taken with all these tales of law school library strangeness.
Here’s an update on yesterday’s item about the “attorney general of the United States,” at the Emory Law School library:

The “attorney general” was a homeless guy that wandered around the whole law school. I was studying in the main common area when he asked me if there were any professors who would be interested in the “largest federal lawsuit ever filed.” He also asked me to vouch for him if security came looking for him.

Apparently he had already done his shtick in the library and was chased out by the librarians. The library was locked, and students needed to swipe their ID card to get in, so a fellow student must have let him in.

I dispatched him to the floor that contained the faculty offices (and was nicely contained). Security was informed. He was discovered changing his clothes, then was escorted off the premises. Nice guy, just a little… err, very creepy.

We’re glad Emory security can tell the difference between homeless people and law professors. Given the similarities — disheveled, smelly, given to wearing ratty sports coats, talking to themselves — it’s only a matter of time before a mistake gets made.
(Oh, and speaking of homeless people…)
Earlier: What Is Up With Law School Libraries These Days?
Breaking: Mystery Smell Hits NYU Law Library!!!

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Morning Docket: 12.19.06

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* Affirmative action not gone quite yet for Michigan schools. [AP via How Appealing]
* Convicted debutante killers not so happy at sentencing. [CNN]
* Nebraska corporate farming ban violates dormant commerce clause; Nebraska will appeal to the Supreme Court. [Jurist]
* Dracula Jr.’s a lawyer. [WSJ Law Blog]
* 13 States and DC sue EPA to get them to, you know, protect the environment. [MSNBC]

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Associate Bonus Watch: Monday Open Thread

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We’re logging off for a while. In the event that some firm makes a big, market-topping bonus announcement while we’re gone, please let us know in the comments.

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Associate Bonus Watch: The Sidley Grinch Who Stole Christmas?

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stack of bills cash money.jpgWe can’t take credit for the title of this post. Here’s an excerpt from an email we received with the subject heading, “Sidley Grinch”:

Sidley matched in New York, but the great story for them is the big f*** you they sent to associates in other offices. Not only did Sidley give associates in non-NY offices nearly half the bonus money, but they made sure everyone knows that they received less. And they try to make it seem like they were so generous last year that there was no reason to increase bonuses this year (don’t buy the “we just got started at 20k” b.s.).

The best part is that associates in the New York office had a lower hours requirement, too. Non-NY associates were strictly cut out of the bonus trough if they didn’t make 2,000 hours. New York associates could get a bonus if they worked 1,800. A great Christmas gift.

The memo, after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Associate Bonus Watch: The Sidley Grinch Who Stole Christmas?”

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Beyonce: Just Like Us?

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Beyonce Beyonce Beyonce Above the Law ATL.gifLawyers often draw a distinction between their “legal persona” and their “private-life persona.” A lawyer might be a tiger in the courtroom, but a pussycat in social interactions. For more examples, see here.
Writers and bloggers sometimes also exhibit a “split personality.” A writer who is belligerent in the blogosphere might be mild-mannered in person.
There appears to be a similar divide between the “performing” and “real-life” personalities of our beloved Beyonce:

Beyoncé Knowles is known for being sexy, seductive and provocative when she performs on stage, but she says that’s not really her; that’s her alter ego Sasha.

“I wouldn’t like Sasha if I met her offstage.” Beyoncé tells Parade Magazine in an article for the upcoming issue.

She said Sasha is “too aggressive, too strong, too sassy, too sexy!

An odd question that we’ll toss out for your consideration: Which celebrity best captures your lawyering personality? Or, put another way, if a movie were being made about your legal career, who should be cast as you, and why?
A strange inquiry; not sure if we’ll get any responses. Drafting merger agreements isn’t very cinematic. But if you have any thoughts on this, please share them in the comments.
(An example: One of our favorite partners — alas, we didn’t work with her as much as we would have liked — was a magnificient blonde litigatrix. She was smart, tough, and sexy, and she was the lawyerly embodiment of Heather Locklear.)
Beyoncé On Love, Depression And Reality [CBS News]
Your legal persona versus your private-life persona [ABA Journal eReport]

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Non-Sequiturs: 12.18.06

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* The FCC has eliminated the requirement for Amateur Radio Operators to know Morse code. That is the actual headline of this blog entry, for those of you who complain of the wasted five seconds it takes to click on a link, only to realize you were completely misled. [Jim N Texas!]
* I never understood the reality of a record being “sealed” anyway… If that hilarious yet illegal adolescent escapade is in an official record, sealed or not, it’s not going anywhere. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette via How Appealing]
* Do not worry, I will not indulge in any sue/Sioux homonym fun. For the record, it’s absurd that we haven’t ridden ourselves of such disrespectful team names, nicknames and logos that also recall a less-than-glorious history. [AP via Yahoo! News]
* The Italian legislature has decided average consumers/modelling agencies/fashion folks can’t decide for themselves what is or is not attractive, thus depriving underweight 16-year-olds from achieving world domination. [Reuters via MSNBC]
* Authorities have a suspect in custody for the Ipswich prostitute murders. So if you’re a prostitute in Ipswich, you can breathe a sigh of relief. (At least with respect to a serial killer; we hate to break it to you, but you don’t exactly have the safest job in the world.) [The Times]

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Ward v. Arm & Hammer: The Opinion

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arm & hammer crack cocaine.jpegAs one of you has noted, our favorite pro se lawsuit, filed back in 2003, has already been decided.
Interested in seeing how the case was resolved? Check out the published opinion: Ward v. Arm & Hammer, 341 F.Supp.2d 499 (2004).
Ted Frank has the link, plus commentary. Click here to satisfy your curiosity.
Because we all love wacky pro se suits: Ward v. Arm & Hammer [Overlawyered]
Earlier: Ward v. Arm & Hammer: What Do You Think?
The Fine Line Separating Pro Se Litigants, Plaintiffs’ Lawyers, and Law Professors

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Associate Staff Attorney Bonus Watch

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stack of bills cash money.jpgAs several of you have reminded us, associates aren’t the only people who work at big law firms. Hence this quick shout-out to staff attorneys. From a reader email:

You’re forgetting about Staff Attorneys. We’re lawyers, but not associates, so we don’t get the associate pay or bonus.

While we are paid significantly less than a first year (think around 50%) to work a 40 hour week, putting in only 40 hours a week would be looked down upon. But if we put in overtime, we get questioned as to whether or not it was necessary. We’re damned either way.While we do get paid for the OT, working OT is the only way to survive in NYC on the base.

[The firm I work for] pays staff attorneys a DISCRETIONARY, bonus on par with that of the ADMINISTRATIVE staff — roughly 3% of the already low salary. However, the bonuses are PURELY discretionary, at the whim of one person, who determines how much each person shall receive. So the “lock-step” system [the firm] prides itself on does not apply here.

The bonus is in the range of one to two weeks’ pay. When the base pay is alrady insanely low for an attorney at a major firm, one or two weeks’ pay is not that much.

So as you Biglaw associates complain about your bonuses, take a moment to reflect upon the staff attorneys. Sure, this year could have been better for you; but then again, it could have been worse.
(Yes, we know what you’re going to say: The staff attorneys don’t have your credentials, don’t work as hard as you do, don’t get in trouble the way you do when things get screwed up, etc. Tell us all about it in the comments.)

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Ward v. Arm & Hammer: What Do You Think?

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Remember this great lawsuit, which we wrote about last week? In case you don’t, here’s a quick recap:
pro se Ward 0.JPG
Summary: Pro se litigant George Allen Ward is suing Arm & Hammer and its corporate parent, Church & Dwight, for $425 million. His theory of liability: failure to warn. The company failed to warn him that if he cooked up THEIR PRODUCT, baking soda, with cocaine, he might end up serving a 200-month prison sentence on crack cocaine charges. You can read the full pleading here.
Opinion among ATL commenters was deeply divided. Some found the lawsuit almost offensive in its frivolousness, while others viewed it as presenting a colorable claim.
What do you think? We’d like to know (because commenters aren’t always representative of our entire readership). Time for a quick poll:

Make Free Online Polls

Earlier: The Fine Line Separating Pro Se Litigants, Plaintiffs’ Lawyers, and Law Professors

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Associate Bonus Watch: How Will You Spend Your Loot?

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stack of bills cash money.jpgWe swear we had the idea before reading this Greedy NY item. Truth be told, we didn’t steal it from the message boards. We stole it from DealBreaker:

In business journalism, there are certain kind of articles that get written and rewritten every year. There’s the “How To Behave At An Office Party” article that always comes with the holidays. There’s the “Office Romance” piece which usually hits around Valentine’s Day. And, of course, there are those “How To Spend Your Bonus” articles that have been popping up all week.

We’re not going to write one of those. (Unless you count this.) Instead, we’re asking you to write one. Well, not a whole article. But we’d like to hear your ideas for bonus purchases. We’re interested in everything from the mundane (paying off your student loans) to the ostentatious. Imagined or real-life stories welcome. We’d just really like to hear what you are or would shell out for with your hard earned bonus bucks.

If Biglaw bonuses were as huge as Wall Street bonuses, then ideas like these might be on the table. But they’re not (even at Wachtell). So you’re probably thinking along more modest lines:
– a flat-screen TV?
– a Mini-Cooper (great for parking in Manhattan)?
– something to improve your flagging sex life?
We’re eager to live vicariously through your purchases of Louis Vuitton luggage sets, your blow-out dinners at Masa, your summer rentals in the Hamptons. You worked your tail off for that bonus; now, savor it. Since you’ve got it, flaunt it.
Please make your consumption conspicuous, in the comments to this post. Thanks — we think…
Bonus Consumption: You Decide! [DealBreaker]
ABC Knows Six Things You Aren’t Going To Do With Your Goldman Sachs Bonus [DealBreaker]
Bonus Spending? [Infirmation / Greedy NY]
Earlier: ATL Reader Poll: Are You Happy With Your Sex Life?
Prior ATL coverage of bonuses (scroll down)

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Congratulations to Yul Kwon — Who Says You Don’t Learn Anything at Yale Law School?

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yul kwon yul kwon survivor yule kwon yul kwan yul kwon pics pictures.JPGApparently you learn how to survive on a desert island. And how to beat out your fellow competitors for a $1 million cash prize, on one of America’s biggest reality television shows.
Yul Kwon, the newly crowned winner of “Survivor: Race Wars” “Survivor: Cook Islands,” is a lawyer, former Second Circuit law clerk, and 2000 graduate of Yale Law School. This makes him one of the best-credentialed reality show contestants EVER.
We realize that Yul was working as a management consultant at McKinsey before joining the show. But he’s still a member of the California and D.C. bars, so we’ll claim him as one of our own. Congratulations, Yul!
P.S. Yul certainly has the best body of any YLS grad we’ve ever met. Not that we’ve seen so many Yalies shirtless. But you know what we mean — Yul Kwon is formidable competition.
P.P.S. Ann Althouse was rooting for Ozzy. But she also thought that Yul was cool, and sends her congrats as well.
Update: In response to this comment, we did some fact-checking. We can now confirm, as previously suggested, that Yul Kwon clerked for Judge Barrington D. Parker, Jr., on the Second Circuit.
Yul Kwon Survivor bio [CBS]
Survivor: Yul Kwon of San Mateo “represents” in win [Mercury News]
Kwon tops `Survivor’ heap: Brains beat brawn in `Cook Islands’ finale [Chicago Tribune]
Earlier: “First Thing We Do, Let’s Vote Off All the Lawyers”

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Speaking of the Children…

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little girls Above the Law.jpgWe’re glad to see that kids today have their priorities straight:

Children under 10 think being a celebrity is the “very best thing in the world” but do not think quite as much of God, a survey has revealed.

The poll of just under 1,500 youngsters ranked “God” as their tenth favourite thing in the world, with celebrity, “good looks” and being rich at one, two and three respectively.

Ah, the wisdom of babes. We’re glad to see they agree with us: “There is nothing more important than fame.”
This finding amused us:

“[K]illing” and “wars” head the list of the “very worst things in the world”, followed by drunks, bullies, illness, smoking, stealing, divorce and being fat. Dying is in tenth place.

Nice to know that the world’s youth have such healthy attitudes towards issues of weight and body image. They apparently subscribe to this adage: “Better dead than well-fed.”
Being a celebrity is the ‘best thing in the world’ say children [Daily Mail via Drudge Report]
Earlier: An Open Letter to the Empress of Palo Alto

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