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I am writing to share some great news about Florida Coastal School of Law’s latest bar passage results released this week. Out of the 11 law schools in the state, Coastal Law’s bar passage rate of 72.9% is ranked in the top 5…

Nicole C. Schumer, the Assistant Director of Admissions at Florida Coastal Law (an ATL March Madness Final Four school), struggling to find the positive.

Finishing 5th out of 11 is a solid “Gentleman’s ‘D’” for the jewel of the Infilaw crown, but Schumer is intent on slathering lipstick all over this pig by hailing it as a “top 5″ achievement. Let’s help her out. Out of 11 Florida law schools, Florida Coastal is Number 1 in graduate underemployment! Number 1!

(Keep reading to see the whole announcement.)

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In this economy, lawyers are being forced to roll up their sleeves and learn new tricks of the trade. Some have even taken up the practice of Door Law — they’ll take any case that walks through the door. Other lawyers have expanded their horizons to offer services that are wholly unrelated to the law. Desperate times call for truly desperate measures.

Check out this advertisement — if you can even call it that — for a lawyer who really seems willing to do just about anything for a buck…

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Keith Lee

Email sucks.

Actually, let me clarify that. Email is a fast, open platform that has universal adoption and has changed the world. It’s convenient and probably how 99% of the people reading this conduct their client communications. But email client programs suck. Most of them are horribly designed and have morphed into unwieldy, user-interface nightmares, mostly due to the broken way most people use them.

If you’re like the vast majority of people, your inbox is a source of work. It’s also highly likely that you also treat it as a storage/repository of work. You begin to attempt to organize it. You start flagging things, creating folders, and soon you’re using your inbox as a task management system. Which is horribly inefficient, and not at all what your inbox is designed for. Furthermore, you’ve likely got your email client set to fetch and notify you on some ridiculous schedule, like every five minutes. Meaning that it’s quite possible that you never get more than five minutes into a task before being interrupted!

Stop. Just stop it….

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Judges can be really picky about courtroom attire. Some think women dress like ignorant sluts (they were probably showing elbows). Others hate ascots and comfortable shoes. On the other hand, apparently some let lawyers wear rented costumes. Judges are gods and goddesses of their domain and lawyers have to be ready to adhere to the whims of the bench.

Even if the judge’s whims are ridiculous.

Like this judge who got bent out of shape just because a male lawyer was having a pants off dance off in her courtroom….

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A few states are still wrapped up in the “knockout game” panic, despite there being very little evidence that it’s even a thing, much less something that can’t be handled by existing assault laws. But since no panic can be allowed to escape unlegislated, sweaty-browed legislators are pushing bad, broadly-written bills in order to put an end to this scourge, one that lies somewhere between “vodka tampon” and “jenkem” on the scale of believability.

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We among the chattering classes give short shrift to the effects of those opinions we espouse. Take, for instance, gay marriage. This website was one of many that advocated fairly passionately in support of legal gay marriage. In a vaccum, of course, this was a sound position to take on the matter. In a vacuum, everything just sounds like “VVVRRRRRRGGGRRRRRRRR-WWWWWWWOBBLEOBBLEVVVVRRRRR!!!!”

But we do not live in vacuums, do we kids? No. Our floors are filthy. And so it is that gay marriage is now legal and heterosexuals are forced to break big rocks all day, waiting for the day that their homo overlords stop with the disco dancing and the fornicating. This is the bed we’ve made.

I suppose I should get to the sporting point of this discursion before I lose the 3 or 4 people who read these posts. Of late, the internet and even this small cyber space have beaten up on the NCAA something fierce. The organization — full of sports and money, signifying nothing — is a convenient target for scorn. And the recent drive to unionize the Northwestern football team, covered on this site and others, has galvanized into a sort of fait accompli about the end of amateurism, that traveshamockery of Orwellian gobbledygook. But if the Northwestern football players were successful in their legal fight, what would that really mean? What would the world of college sports look like if the jocks finally avenged their tragic defeat depicted in the non-fiction film Revenge of the Nerds?

Let’s talk powerful athletes…

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Something like this is a no-no in several states.

* Leonard M. Rosen, one of the name partners of Wachtell Lipton Rosen & Katz, died earlier this week. Our very own Managing Editor David Lat once sat three doors down from this respected restructuring maven. Rest in peace. [Bloomberg]

* A judicial ethics board has recommended that this judge be removed from the bench because she once “sold out her clients, her co-counsel, and ultimately herself.” Oh Flori-duh, you give us so many reasons to <3 you. [Sun Sentinel]

* Gov. Christie named Dean Patrick Hobbs of Seton Hall Law as ombudsman for New Jersey’s executive branch. Congrats, but looks like Seton Hall may need a new dean. [New Jersey Law Journal]

* A woman working in retail was put on four months of forced maternity leave when she was four months pregnant. She’s due after her forced maternity period is up. Of course she’s suing. [Los Angeles Times]

* ICYMI, here’s a list of all of the fine states in America where blowjobs are illegal, but necrophilia is a-okay — or “anti-blowjobs, corpse-sex-friendly states,” as Adam Weinstein ever so eloquently puts it. [Gawker]

192 Columbia Heights

What happens to people who work for failed law firms? Some of them wind up filing for personal bankruptcy.

But some of them experience far happier endings. Some of them wind up living in 25-foot-wide, 8,000-square-foot, $16 million townhouses.

Okay, a caveat: $16 million is what the owners are asking for their home. It’s not clear they’ll get that price, which would set a record for a single family home in Brooklyn Heights.

No matter which way you slice it, though, this is still an eight-figure home. Who’s the lawyer living in such luxury, and where did she once work?

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* Cheerios is claiming that “Liking” them on Facebook constitutes a waiver of the right to sue. Let’s take this moment to encourage everyone to Like Above the Law on Facebook. [NY Times]

* New study determines that the United States is an oligarchy instead of a democracy. You’re telling me that a government explicitly founded on the principle that only a handful of wealthy men should have a voice grew into an oligarchy? Quelle surprise! [UPI]

* Oh look, John Edwards is back. [Slate]

* In the continuing saga of NYU’s allegedly shady spending, there are now reports that former NYU Law Dean and current NYU President John Sexton used school funds to convert two apartments into a duplex for his son. His son was married to an NYU Law employee and as I’ve said before, a school located in housing-scarce Manhattan should be able to do something to house professors, but as they say, “the optics” aren’t good. [Chronicle of Higher Education]

* Musings on what it’s like to clerk in the midst of “flyover country” (presumably like my early childhood home of Des Moines). It makes a valiant effort to redeem itself at the end, but this article is exactly why most parts of the country think New Yorkers are elitist dicks. Which, we kind of are, but you don’t want to broadcast that. [Ramblings on Appeal]

* The government is profiting handsomely from law students. Is that really a bad thing? [Law & Economics Prof Blog]

* A D.C. law professor is now a movie star. [Washington City Paper]

* The judge in the New Orleans Affordable Housing case may know the real identity of one of the anonymous commenters in the case. And if one of the anonymous trolls was a federal prosecutor poisoning the well in the case — like everyone suspects — it could aid the defense. [Times-Picayune]

* For those of you across the pond, there’s a one-day event for lawyers on the business case for Corporate Social Responsibility. It’s in England because American companies have already passed on the idea of corporate responsibility. [International Law Society]

Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on lateral partner moves from Lateral Link’s team of expert contributors. Michael Allen is Managing Principal at Lateral Link, focusing exclusively on partner placements with Am Law 200 clients.

It’s that time of year folks: the dust has settled, the remainder of last year’s major moves have been executed, and it is time to vote for the Biglaw All-Stars of 2014.

To save you trouble, I have already assembled two teams, which we divide between a Western and Eastern Conference — brace yourself for a plethora of mixed metaphors.

With a lot of research, personal experiences, and a smidgen of subjectivity, I have compiled two teams of five lawyers with spots for two corporate lawyers, one intellectual property lawyer, one real estate lawyer, and one litigation lawyer. These lawyers lead significant groups at their respective firms.

Each team will represent one fictional company together: a massive mega-conglomerate high-tech real estate company that would make Mr. Heller and Ms. Erhman shiver in their boots. This fictional mega-conglomerate company requires the representation of five “starting” lawyers: two corporate, one IP, one litigation, and one real estate…

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Tax Day was earlier this week. Like many Americans, I said some prayers — and a few curses — and hoped that Turbo Tax made sense of my mid-year move from D.C. to Texas, my investment roll-overs, my handful of I-9s and W-2s. I did my damnedest to be “true, correct, and complete,” as the IRS insisted. Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld admitted via Twitter that he has “absolutely no idea whether our tax returns and our tax payments are accurate,” though, of course, he didn’t say that he knew that they weren’t accurate.

Campaign for Liberty, Ron Paul’s 501(c)(4) organization, announced this week that it’s actually pretty sure that its tax recent filings are incomplete, even if true and correct. (Two out of three ain’t bad?) According to C4L, the organization refused to divulge the names of its donors when it filed its IRS 990 forms. The IRS fined Campaign for Liberty just shy of $13,000, plus growing interest for each day the fine goes unpaid.

How did Campaign for Liberty respond? Not as you might expect….

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I’m not sure you want someone with my hourly rate making coffee.

– A California lawyer’s sassy comeback to a colleague at her firm who asked her to brew a pot of coffee.

This is just one of the tidbits that Professor Joan Williams of UC Hastings Law shares in her new book, What Works for Women at Work (affiliate link). Williams notes that professional women are expected to perform office “housework” — like “bring cupcakes for a colleague’s birthday, order sandwiches for office lunches and answer phones in the conference room” — much more often than their male colleagues.

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