BIG announcement. A magazine designed for paralegals is launching next month. It's called KNOW -- a strangely generic title. The full name is "KNOW: The Magazine for Paralegals." It's not to be confused with KNOW: The Science Magazine for Curious Kids.

As a former paralegal, I am fairly certain I would not have read this magazine. But I was one of those fresh-faced university grads trying to figure out whether I wanted to go to law school, and was not planning to be a career paralegal gal.

According to the promo, KNOW is an "outside-the-box, informative magazine balancing workstyle and life balance for paralegals." Here are some of the articles planned for the first issue:

Famous TV Stars: What Fans Don't Know About These Former Paralegals

Work Less, Earn More: Can You Ditch the 24/7 Stressful Routine?

The 10 Most Influential Paralegals in the Country

Trends Guaranteed to Change the Paralegal Profession

Diversity's Little Secret: Are Caucasian Paralegals Doing Enough to Support African-American Paralegals?

Paralegals Succeeding Against All the Odds

Navigating a Male-Dominated Industry

In terms of industry niche publications, they've hit all the hot topics in the first issue: celebrities, diversity, and gender. Where do you go from there? We suggest an article ranking paralegal schools.

We're skeptical. But we'll pose the question to our paralegal readers. What do you think? Have you been wondering about how to succeed against all odds? Or whether Caucasian Paralegals are doing enough to support their African-American comrades in arms?

Update: We invite you to suggest article subjects for future issues of KNOW magazine, in the comments. E.g.: "Life beyond Paralegaling: Turning that Senior Partner's 'Stain' into a Multi-Million Dollar Child Support Settlement."

New Magazine for Paralegals [Estrin Report]

This week is chockful of holidays: Earth Day, Passover, and tomorrow, Administrative Professionals' Day. (We apologize for putting Passover in the same sentence as the other two.)

Many of you are wondering what to do for secretaries, administrative assistants, and/or paralegals:

Administrative Professional’s Day is coming up this Wednesday. I found your column on gifts for secretaries on Christmas to be invaluable. Could you run something similar for Administrative Professional’s Day?

According to Wikipedia, "the day is often 'celebrated' by giving one's assistant flowers, candy, small gifts, lunch at a restaurant, and time off."

This is an open thread to allow you to discuss your plans. Will you do gifts for your secretary? For your paralegals? What gift, and what price range, are you planning on?

As a side note, the best gift Kash received as a paralegal was a gift card for Banana Republic. Clothing gift cards are cooler than bookstore gift cards.

On Wednesday, we reported on a D.C. paralegal/legal assistant/assistant seeking advice at Slate.com. We were disappointed in the letter writer's horror story, and solicited readers for better stories. Here's the cream of the crop:

How about working 1.5 years with a Federal judge who hasn't bothered to learn my name?

A few years ago, I was an associate in a mid-sized firm in a mid-sized Southern city. One day, there was a notice in the break/lunch room about a State Board of Health inspection of the facilities. I was a little surprised, so I mentioned it to another associate. They laughed and said that it was because a partner's secretary made a complaint to the Board of Health about the partner's habit of picking his nose and wiping it on documents before handing them to the secretary.

I worked at a V2 firm. There are sooo many good ones. A sampling…. 1) A female attorney nicknamed “Satan’s Spawn” who only made comments in purple pen and refused to use any other tape flag besides purple. She would also chew Grape Trident late nite to stay awake and sometimes wore binder clips in her hair. HOT! Of course she made partner.

2) Once, a Partner threw a chair in the general direction of two paralegals and his partner secretary. The chair broke. The Partner was still popular with them because he’d take them out drinking.

3) Not to be outdone, I also heard (right after it happened, from the source) of a Partner who had told his secretary to hold all calls. Well, an important C-level client called and said he must speak with Partner X. The secretary demurred, but the caller was insistent. So, cute, kind secretary knocked, popped her head in and said, “Partner X, I know you said to hold all calls, but Important C-level client really needs to…” Partner X whirled around from his desk to face her and flung his pen toward her head, just like a dart. Luckily, not having played darts for a while since he was a V2 partner and all, the pen whizzed right by her ear and LODGED IN THE WALL.

8: approx. number of associates I know of, self included, who have had some version of the "talking with a partner about case and he walks into the bathroom and keeps talking to me, sits down in the stall and continues talking about the case" scenario.

Thanks for your horrific contributions. We hope we don't have nightmares tonight.

Earlier: ATL Seeks REAL Horror Stories

Over on Slate.com's advice column, a young, struggling paralegal is seeking advice. "Deterred in the District" is happy about the high-pay and "career prospects," but whines about a difficult partner:

The problem is that one of the partners I assist is particularly challenging. She's intelligent and distinguished, but she is also a perfectionist. She's an extremely daunting supervisor—especially for a legal neophyte and nonperfectionist like me. I'm functioning in high gear all day long, but I struggle to keep up. What's worse is that she is heavy on the criticism and light on the positive reinforcement. A simple mistake like forgetting to put the "Northwest" at the end of a Washington, D.C., address in her appointment schedule will set off a string of negative interactions, while a perfectly orchestrated event will maybe muster an e-mail saying "Tks." Our exchanges often leave me fuming yet stuck without a venue for venting. At what point can I turn to my boss and say, "Hey, I need things to be different around here" without sounding like an ingrate for the great opportunity that I have.

Slate points "Deterred" to a Wall Street Journal column on Generation Y's need for praise and frequent feedback, and advises the paralegal to toughen up.

If we were answering this letter, we would say if you're not a perfectionist, don't be a paralegal. [FN1] We are annoyed by this whiny letter, because we like zombie movies and gore! Telling a horror story about a partner who only says "Tks" is lame. We invite you to tell us true 'partner idiosyncrasy' horror stories in the comments. We'll round up the best ones and post them later.

Now, please give us positive reinforcement on this post. We are so Gen-Y.

[FN1] As a former Covington & Burling paralegal, Kash always remembered to include the quadrant on D.C. addresses.

Generation Y Me? [Slate.com]
The Most-Praised Generation Goes to Work [Wall Street Journal]

The rumor making the rounds of lawyer and staff layoffs at Thelen Reid Brown Raysman & Steiner is true. We just spoke to Thelen's co-chair, Stephen V. O'Neal, who provided confirmation and details.

The firm is in the process of laying off 26 associates and 85 staff members, on a firm-wide basis, "in response to recessionary pressures." (Unlike President Bush, Mr. O'Neal was not afraid to use the "r" word.) Thelen has approximately 600 lawyers, per its website, so the cuts amount to roughly 4 percent of total headcount.

With respect to the location of the affected lawyers, the cuts affected all major offices. With respect to seniority -- one source told us that some first- and second-year associates were fired -- Mr. O'Neal said that "some were fairly junior, and some more senior."

In terms of practice areas, Mr. O'Neal said the layoffs were spread out among groups, but with "some areas more impacted than others," including certain parts of capital markets and cap-markets-related real estate work. He noted that other practice areas are "thriving and increasing in scope," including renewable energy, cross-border M&A, China practice, litigation, and workouts / bankruptcy.

With respect to staff layoffs, Mr. O'Neal explained that they are due in part to the economic climate, but in part due to post-merger staff redundancies. The merger of Thelen Reid and Brown Raysman took place in late 2006, making the consolidated firm a little over a year old. But the firm did not do much cutting of staff in 2007.

Last year "was not a year when we tried to make deep cutbacks in anything, even though we had combined two good-sized firms," explained Mr. O'Neal. "It was a year of building, coordinating, and consolidating. We wanted to understand how best to organize this new entity." Now that the firm has a better understanding of its staffing needs, and is in the process of consolidating multiple offices in the same cities (e.g., New York), it is reducing staff redundancies.

As for associate severance packages, Mr. O'Neal stated that firm provided a "market-level" package. We floated three to four months as our understanding of market, and he said that the firm is "in that ballpark."

"We are anticipating a profitable 2008," said Mr. O'Neal. "We are being prudent businesspeople, and when you are dealing with recessionary pressures, you adjust your business so you will have -- and maintain -- a strong level of profitability, notwithstanding those pressures."

We thank the firm for the information and candor with respect to the layoffs (i.e., not casting these departures as "performance-based"). If you have more information, feel free to email us.

Updates: A few additional nuggets:

1. As noted in the comments, total headcount includes partners and counsel, so the percentage of associates laid off is higher than 4 percent. Some of you suggest it's around 10 percent.

2. We're a little annoyed at Legal Pad for the lack of an ATL shout-out -- in both the blogosphere and the MSM, it's proper form to credit and/or link to the source that breaks a story first (even if you were working on the same story too) -- but we'll link to them anyway.

They have more on the Thelen layoffs here. Much of the info in their post appeared previously in ours, but they do add that the firm "is also trimming its summer program from eleven to eight weeks and is pushing the start date for first-years from September to January."

3. A source at the firm tells us that the severance packages were in the two- to three-month range.

Earlier: Prior ATL coverage of layoffs (scroll down)

As the old adage goes, "A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client." And there is some anecdotal evidence in support of that proposition. See, e.g., Elana Glatt / Elana Elbogen (depending upon how you view the merits of her case against her wedding florist).

Here's another example of what can happen when Biglaw litigators represent themselves. From TaxProf Blog:

The Tax Court today decided Hynes v. Commissioner, T.C. Summ. Op. 2008-1 (1/2/08), a case involving Shawn T. Hynes, a fifth year securities litigation associate in Cleary Gottlieb's New York City office. The taxable year at issue was 2003, when Hynes was a Penn 3L (he tranferred to Penn after completing his first year at Oregon).

More about the facts of Shawn Hynes's case, and how he got benchslapped by the Tax Court, after the jump.

By collecting and disseminating compensation information, this site plays a role in the setting of associate salaries. By email, several of you have requested that we bring greater transparency to another market: holiday gifts for secretaries / administrative assistants.

In large law firms, it's customary during the holiday season for an associate to give a cash gift to his or her administrative assistant. Some people think of it as a "bonus" or a "tip," like what you might pay to your doorman or newspaper delivery person (although the most genteel formulation is to cast it as a holiday gift, accompanied with a nice card).

Many associate readers have written in to us for guidance in terms of how much they should give their secretary as a gift. For example:

"I was recently discussing secretary bonuses with a senior colleague of mine. It turns out he has been paying far more than me over the years (even though I thought I paid fairly generously). Can we generate some discussion as to the appropriate level for associates to tip their secretaries and paralegals?"

"Lots of time is spent talking about the bonuses that we'll be getting as associates, which we share with support staff as holiday tips or gifts. Is there any guidance on how much we should be giving our assistants and/or dedicated paralegals? Is there a scale based on class year?"

Reader, you're in luck. A table is making the rounds of one large New York law firm.

Check it out, after the jump.

In the absence of more associate bonus news -- we've heard rumors of various committees at various firms meeting, but we have no new announcements -- let's move on to a related subject. What about bonuses for staff attorneys, the non-partnership-track lawyers employed by many large law firms?

Here's what one of them had to say:

Staff attorneys who work at Biglaw read your blog, too. Most shops have a bonus tied to hours, but they do not specify what the payout will be at each tier (2000, 2200), claiming they'll see where the market is at in December. I'm wondering whether other firms have a similarly vague policy (vague because the market for staff atty compensation isn't as established as associates, but it still exists). It would be great if you could dedicate a bonus post to this.

I know staff attorneys will get slayed as third-rate, but that's why we didn't work as hard in law school to try to get recruited.... We don't give a s**t!

Our jobs may be headed to India, as glorified contract attorneys, but we do handle the grunt work, so associates don't have to. We make their jobs easier, I think. Yeah, I know, they have to answer to the partner -- but see my last sentence in the preceding paragraph.

If any of you have information to share about bonuses for staff attorneys, please spill your guts in the comments to this post. Thanks.

A legal staffing agency put up an advertisement soliciting applications for a temporary paralegal position. Cover letters and résumés started rolling in. Like this one:

Hello there,

I am not a paralegal. But, I type 85 WPM and used to be [an] executive assistant and have multiple skillsets, easy to train, that honestly set me $1000 over the salary of a degreed political science bachelors degreed [sic] person. Sadly, she was aggressive and began reading Hitler's methods and worked her way to stop my success with her deception.

The compliance lawyer finally figured out what she was doing and wound up getting rid of her. She now works in buying and selling electrical components somewhere.

So, I have no way to measure her value or mine within this paralegal field. I'll let you be the judge.

A cover letter referencing Hitler? + 10 points. We don't know what "Hitler's methods" consist of, but then again, we never read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Nazis.

Read the rest of this long, strange, rambling cover letter -- does the applicant need a paralegal gig, or a therapist? -- after the jump.

We're sorry we don't have more associate bonus news to report. Unfortunately, we have to wait for it to happen; we can't just make it up.

So while we wait for more announcements -- it's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so we're hoping for some announcements in the afternoon -- let's talk about a related subject: staff bonuses.

In its bonus memo from earlier this month, Willkie Farr & Gallagher announced that it would be paying a special bonus to its administrative staff as well as its associates. And it turns out that Willkie is not alone. We're hearing that Weil, Gotshal & Manges is paying its support staff a special bonus as well.

The Weil special bonus equals one week's base salary. It will go to all support staff: "secretaries, paralegals, litigation support -- the whole nine yards."

The amount is not life-changing; at a week's salary, the bonus equals about 2 percent of base. But it's still a nice move, and something else for Weil paralegals to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

What other firms besides Willkie and Weil are paying special bonuses to staff? Feel free to discuss in the comments.

Here is today's law firm perk post. From a devoted ATL reader:

Here's an idea for perkwatch: paralegals. As I'm sure most people can attest to, a good stable of paralegals can be invaluable in systematizing some of the more mundane routine tasks.

One of my old firms had a majority of snippy, incompetent paralegals in Corporate, which often led to first years needing to, for instance, directly call to order good standing certificates. A good paralegal is certainly a "perk" in my mind.

Indeed. Especially when you get to make out with them at the firm holiday party!

Please discuss your paralegal experiences, good and bad, in the comments. Thanks.

P.S. A shout-out to the paralegals at our former firm, who are widely regarded as some of the best paralegals anywhere. You get what you pay for, and Wachtell Lipton pays its paralegals very well.

(Also, they're really good at Scrabulous.)

* Professor Eugene Volokh wonders: Does engaging in a three-way with a current client and the client's girlfriend count as having sex "with a current client" -- a practice forbidden by state bar rules? [Volokh Conspiracy]

* Professor Ann Bartow wonders: Why call it "law porn"? [Feminist Law Professors via Blawg Review]

* Paralegal of the Day? [TPM Muckraker]

* A way for that Cleary Gottlieb Glamour editor to earn some extra cash on the side? [City Room]

* "Law school grads: burnt by the job search process? A journalist wants to hear about it." [JD Underground]

* Holy Lawsuit, Batman! Professors sue Ave Maria. [AveWatch.org]

* TMI indeed; spare us talk of that burning sensation. Just say you have a doctor's appointment, and leave it at that. [Nasty, Brutish & Short]

* Just because you're a 46-year-old man who has never been married doesn't mean you're gay. Plamegate prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald -- whom we met earlier this month, btw -- is engaged. Congrats, Pat! [WSJ Law Blog]

* Milberg Weiss and the Democrats: politics makes for not-so-strange bedfellows. [Overlawyered; Overlawyered]

* Some undergraduates earn cash by selling their class notes online. How long before this trend takes hold in law schools? [Conglomerate]

* Who says Yale Law grads can't be funny? [Wonkette]

We recently made passing reference to the staff layoffs at Heller Ehrman, which firm management claimed were made to enhance efficiency, and not due to slow business. But one of the affected employees begs to differ:

Don't believe Heller Ehrman's claims that the layoffs were not because of slowdowns. I was a paralegal who worked at Heller for [several] years. The past year has been the slowest in litigation we have ever experienced....

I enjoyed my job, and [found that Heller] was a great place to work. [But in] the past two years, the whole culture and the focus of the firm changed (or is in the process of changing).

Everyone's billable rates were raised to such heights that competing for business became pretty distasteful to many of the shareholders. It's not easy to justify $200 to $300 an hour for paralegals.

Are layoffs the flip-side of the associate pay raise coin? More after the jump.

* Check it out: the Los Angeles Daily Journal has a brand new blog. Welcome to the blogosphere, Mr. Hurley! [Washington Briefs]

* Don't you wish you had attended a non-top-tier non-T14 law school? At U. Conn. Law, Professor Robert Birmingham (at right) screens prostitution training films in class. [TaxProf Blog]

* ESPN's Stephen Smith lawyers up, retaining Willie Gary -- a/k/a the "$22,000 an Hour Man." [FishBowl NY]

* Fake Lawyer of the Day. [AP]

* Dubious Lawsuit of the Day. [Orlando Sentinel]

* Another interesting interview with Jeffrey Toobin, author of the bestselling Supreme Court book, The Nine. [On the Media / NPR]

Okay, so you didn't graduate (1) from a top-tier law school or (2) at the top of your class from a non-top-tier law school. Please don't get discouraged, even in the face of depressing news articles.

Before you leave the law to become an electrician, consider this inspirational tale, from an ATL reader:

Finding a job after graduating from a lower tier law school might be harder, but it is certainly possible. A lot of it depends on what type of job you wish to pursue. Knowing I wanted to practice in a law firm who actually tried cases, throughout law school I worked for several small firms and solo practices and gained experience.

The summer studying for the bar I found a part time clerkship with an attorney who practices business litigation. After the bar exam he offered me a position full time. I don’t make anywhere near the big firms in terms of salary. But I make plenty for my first year out, and I get a percentage of our contingent fee cases (which will actually put me a little less than big firm salary if all goes well).

Also, I get great experience. My first week I attended two hearings on motions for summary judgment in court, and a month after I pass the bar (hopefully!) I already have an assignment to participate directly in a trial. The salary is not “equal”, but I feel I am gaining better experience and enjoying my quality of life much more than if I was in a mega firm.

Good stuff -- and a reminder that Biglaw isn't the be all and end all of legal practice.

Also, we have a question about working as a paralegal, from a different reader. Check it out, after the jump.

In case you're wondering what happened to the litigation support guy at Quinn Emanuel, who sent around an office-wide email reprimanding an associate for allegedly rude treatment, here's an update:

The lit support guy got his walking papers almost immediately. The litigation associate to whom he directed the email was baffled by the entire event.

Apparently, he just told the guy that there was a mistake and that it needed to be fixed ASAP. Knowing this associate pretty well, I say it's pretty inconceivable that he would treat someone like a "dog," or even unprofessionally.

So maybe the associate didn't do anything wrong, and the litigation support guy was just a bit unhinged -- a beleaguered support staff member, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Cf. The Patton Boggs librarian.

Since the litigation support guy got fired over his email, we hope he derived a lot of satisfaction from sending it.

Earlier: ATL Practice Pointers: Be Nice to the Support Staff

First, it's the right thing to do. Second, if you're mean or rude to support staff members, they might start talking trash about you behind your back -- not good for your reputation at the firm. They might also handle your projects with less care or speed in the future.

If you REALLY piss them off, they might tell you off directly. And cc everyone at the firm, just to make you look like a total d-bag (even if you're generally known as a nice guy among your colleagues).

The following email was sent out this morning by a litigation support team member at Quinn Emanuel to a litigation associate. Copied on the message were (1) the entire New York office and (2) litigation support firm-wide.

From: [Litigation Support Guy]
To: [Litigation Associate]
Cc: [New York Office]; [All Litigation Support]
Date: Wed, 15 Aug 2007 09:15:46 -0700
Subject: Respect

[Litigation Associate],

I don't care who you are and what your title is...

Have respect for people when you speak to them. Education should teach you such life lessons. No one is your dog. If you want a dog go buy one or visit the zoo.

Sorry I did not see your wonderful screen shot as Trial Graphix did not see it either. People are human and make mistakes and I am sure you have made a few such as not providing the Bates number for us to cross reference.

Enjoy,
[Litigation Support Guy]

We like this cheeky message, but we have a quibble. The zoo? Dogs aren't really exotic enough to be in the zoo. Maybe try Michael Vick's house?

Oh, sorry -- you want a live one...

(The usual rules apply. Please don't identify either the sender or the recipient of this message. Thanks.)

On its official website, Akin Gump proudly bills itself as a "full-service" law firm. And it boasts: "Our growth has come by understanding client problems and solving them with a unique combination of... practical... skills."

Truer words were never spoken. From ABC News:

A legal secretary at one of Washington's most prominent and well-connected law firms, Akin Gump Strauss Houer & Feld LLP, has been suspended after telling her bosses she secretly worked at night for the escort service run by the so-called D.C. Madam, Jeane Palfrey.

The woman both serviced clients and, at times, helped to run the business, Palfrey told ABC News in an interview to be broadcast on "20/20" Friday.

The firm said it would not make her name public.

But do YOU know the name of this enterprising employee, or anything else about her? If so, we'd love to hear from you, by email (subject line: "DC Madam").

A few more comments, after the jump.

* The Guber Downward-Facing Dog Trial coming soon. [De Novo; MSN]

* If you don’t know who’s the “real lawyer” at the table, it’s you. [PrawfsBlawg]

* Kosher-ness may be inapplicable to porn, but I would not want to venture a guess as to Mr. Cohen’s idea behind his trademark. [Likelihood of Confusion]

* Another reason hedge funds are shady? You don’t say. [Professor Bainbridge]