Dear ATL,

I'm a 2L, and the firm I'm working for next summer sent me fairly nice and useful Christmas present. Should I write the recruiting team a thank-you note? I'm from the South, where we write thank you notes for anything and everything, but I don't know what the New York/DC norm is and don't want to look stupid. The firm is DC-based, and I'm splitting with their DC and NY offices.

Eternally Grateful

Dear Eternally Grateful,

Once upon a time, I was on the phone with my mom, sobbing uncontrollably over a guy who dumped me. My mother's a no-nonsense lady, and while I blathered on and on about how I should just throw in the towel now and move to a nunnery because I'd never find anyone as amazing, she cut me off and told me, verbatim: "I didn't want to have to tell you this, but remember how we got him that Tempur-Pedic pillow for his birthday? He never sent us a thank you card. Let that sink in." Her words stung. What kind of person doesn't send a thank you note to his girlfriend's parents? A monster, that's who.

The point is, there is a time and a place for thank you notes. If your significant other's parents get you a birthday present, send one ASAP. But if your firm's recruiting team sends you and everyone else in your summer class and/or firm engraved paperweights, you look ludicrous if you send a thank you back.

I'm not saying that thank you notes are never appropriate in the law firm context. On the contrary, if someone referred business to you, it's entirely appropriate to break out the heavy stock paper with the understated paisley envelope and thank away. But cards that say "thanks for interviewing me" or a "thanks for sending me this tote bag which you sent to everybody else in the firm" is just too much thanks. Nobody should be that thankful for anything, ever. I once received a thanks-for-interviewing-me note from a summer associate candidate and you better believe that my first order of business was scanning that lunacy in and emailing it to everyone I know. Don't be that candidate.

No matter how insanely useful the stainless steel pen inscribed with the firm's name, no matter how much you cherish that firm-emblazoned mug, you need to show yourself (and the firm) some respect by reeling in the gratitude, except when it's appropriate.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie thanks his lucky stars after the jump.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

This week we received several requests for advice pertaining to that associate albatross, the firm holiday party. What should I wear? How much can I drink? Should I upgrade to Platinum membership at Equinox? In order to accommodate your overwhelming neediness, this week we're abandoning our typical Pls Hndle Thx format in favor of a short etiquette guide to holiday parties. Hop on board - the Straight Talk Express is about to roll.

Casino Themes. Casino-themed parties are landmines. People lose all reason when they hear that a "Dinner for Two at Rosa Mexicano" or an iPod Nano is at stake, and I've personally seen the power of fake money in unmasking serious gambling problems. I urge those who are likely to get, er "intense" at the fake craps table to calm down, step away and immediately get a life.

Dress Code. The safest bet is to show up wearing exactly what you wore to work. Don't pull a secretary and get changed in the handicapped bathroom into some Dorothy Zbornak sequined tunic. Don't premiere your new Diesel jeans and ridiculous Express bolero-inspired button down.

Drinking Level. The worst feeling in the world is waking up and trying to figure out what the hell happened the night before. While it is perfectly acceptable to get drunk and "do things" outside the office or on weekends at random bars, I strenuously, STRENUOUSLY advise no more than two drinks at holiday parties, unless one of those drinks involves Patron, in which case a drink limit of one drink should be imposed in conjunction with a mandatory party exit time of 10pm. Trust me on this.

After-Parties. DO NOT ATTEND AFTER-PARTIES. The only thing that comes of them is that you will see things involving your coworkers that you never wanted to see and be forever bound to your fellow partygoers with this secret and terrifying knowledge. There is a bloodline.

Happy Holidays!

Your friend,

Marin

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

>Dear ATL, My firm has a women's committee that organizes programs like lunches, networking events, and most recently mentoring "lunch bunches." To my knowledge, the men in our firm are not invited to participate in these events. I don't particularly care to commiserate with other women simply because we are the same gender. Other than one awkward lunch that I was cornered into, I have managed to avoid the all-female programs by virtue of a busy schedule. Unfortunately, I have received an inquiry from one of the "lunch bunch" organizers, specifically asking me if I will participate in the monthly lunch program. I really don't want to participate, but I am concerned that snubbing her invitation will be offensive. How should I respond? Thanks, Hate the Game

Dear Hate the Game,

When friends have asked me to join their knitting groups, book clubs or women's circles: my answers range anywhere from "absolutely not" to "hell no." Why would I want to waste my time reading The Lovely Bones or cobbling together a scarf like some Colonial Williamsburg reenactor? I wouldn't. So I empathize with your lunch bunch plight. Why anybody would want to discuss "How to Strike a Work-Life Balance" once a month, every month, is beyond me. I'm also not sure why women at the firm need a meeting, but the men do not.

Normally, you couldn't pay me to attend a women's lunch bunch, but these are not normal times. If one of the organizers specifically asked you to attend AND that person is senior to you, suck it up and go.* As torturous as hearing about the New Mothers Room may be, you don't want there to be any ill will toward you in this era of layoffs. Don't give them a reason to can you. Just show up. Bring a picture of the hunk you're totally crushing on and a Judy Blume book to power you through.

Your friend,

Marin

*Editor's note: if the lunch bunch organizer is junior to you, disregard above advice.

Elie crashes the meeting after the jump.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

Hi ATL,

I am a 3L with an offer from a V50 firm. I, like many of my peers, am extremely nervous about having my offer revoked if the economy continues to tank. Should I contact my firm and ask whether they plan on keeping me on board? 3L recruiting is over so I'd be screwed because I have loans.

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

Dear Ask And Ye Shall Receive,

GREAT idea! If you haven't heard anything from them and haven't read news of your firm's collapse on ATL, definitely call up your firm and ask if they plan to fire you before you start! That'll show them that you've got confidence in the firm while reminding them that the summer associate program is a complete money pit! Remember to follow up with an invoice for your BAR/BRI fees that says "pls hndle thx."

Your question reminds me of a riddle: you are faced with two identical doors, one leading to heaven guarded by an angel and the other guarded by the Devil that leads to hell. The angel and Devil are physically indistinguishable, and you are permitted to ask one yes/no question of one guardian to determine which door is which. Asking your firm "will you revoke my offer" is like asking the guardians "which door will lead me to heaven?" The Angel will tell the truth and the Devil will lie, and you'll still have no idea where to go. If a recruiter says "no, your offer stands" you'll have absolutely no way to know if she's telling you the truth. If a firm plans to revoke your offer or cancel the summer program, they're going to notify you on their own time and not on whatever day you happen to call Cindy from recruiting. Even if Cindy tells you that your offer still stands, that does not prevent the firm from revoking it tomorrow or the day before your start date. And unless she's the Oracle at Delphi, she also can't predict whether the firm will go bankrupt prior to the summer.

Look - even if recruiting hires Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the bushes, rescind your offer and announce that you've been punk'd, all that does at this point is give you a head start on worrying. By your own admission, 3L recruiting season is over and you'd be screwed anyway. So instead of asking your firm for information, do something that might actually get you an answer, like consulting your natal chart or pouring libations on Agamemnon's tomb.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie's seance after the jump.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

Dear ATL -

I haven't seen anybody commenting about this but I know for a fact I'm not the only one. I was recently laid off by my firm in a stealth layoff. Of course they said it was my "performance," but that is complete bulls*** because they've never complained about me before and I made my hours this year. A bunch of other attorneys were also laid off at the same time - all "performance based." I am terrified that I won't be able to get a job anywhere, because no place is hiring and no place is going to hire an attorney who was fired for (false) reasons. What should I do?

Fired and Scared

Dear Fired and Scared,

Pack a suitcase. Walk toward the nearest window. Open the window. Jump out.

Just kidding. Don't do that. Seriously.

Your first order of business should be to call up people at your old firm and secure professional references. If you really did good work, that shouldn't be a problem. If a prospective firm asks you what happened, tell them the truth: that your termination was part of a bunch of allegedly performance-based layoffs, and that you cannot speak for anybody else who got fired, but that the circumstances surrounding your departure were puzzling at best and that you are happy to provide PLENTY of references and other confirmation that you did solid work and met your hours. Finally, if you're anything like me, sob softly in the shower.

I feel your pain - yours is an unenviable situation and if in fact your firm was using a bogus review as a scapegoat to save face or be cheap, that is deplorable. Listen up, firms: IT IS NOT OK TO SABOTAGE ASSOCIATE CAREERS JUST TO CLAIM THAT YOUR FIRM DOESN'T "DO" LAYOFFS OR TO SAVE MONEY ON SEVERANCE PACKAGES. While firms might think that they can get away with it now, we'll see what God thinks about all this, because FYI he's watching. And so is Santa.

Good luck and have a happy Thanksgiving!

Your friend,

Marin

Elie solves the problems of the economy after the jump.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

Dear ATL,

As a 3L, coasting through his last year of school, I find the occasional moment to partake in a bit of "relaxation" by way of an unmentioned illegal plant.

I'm wondering though, other than a question about this on the Bar application, would I be subject to any type of drug testing for the bar or at my post-bar big law firm? Do firms ever drug test their employees?

-- Panama Red.

Dear Panama Red,

If you show up to work with bags of White Castle or pester secretaries with questions about where your car's at, firms may demand a drug test (based on boilerplate paperwork you fill out at the outset of your job permitting them to do so), and they can fire you without cause anyway. But as far as I know, no law firms routinely test associates for drugs, and neither does any bar-related process.

However, firms do prohibit associates from moonlighting or engaging in activities that would be detrimental to the business or reputation of the firm. Practically speaking this means you'll have to get off Phish tour (editor's note: they're not reuniting, give up the ship) and turn in that ridiculous shell necklace from Hollister. The hemp one, too. God, this is embarrassing.

Since it would have only taken a Google search for you to have answered your own question, I'll take your email as a cry for help and give you some actual advice. You need to lay off the weed and focus on passing the bar and keeping your job. Also, I see you didn't get the memo about how everybody switched over to coke. Um, yeah. AWKWARD.

Your friend,

Marin

After the jump, Marin passes the blunt to Elie, who's wearing a "Take Me Drunk I'm Home" t-shirt.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

Dear ATL,

I am entitled to my firm's medical and dental benefits, subject to a max sum each year. Should I exploit these benefits, e.g. by going for regular check-ups and consulting a doctor even if it's not a serious ailment? Do I cast myself in a bad light if I max out these benefits? Thanks.

Sickly

Dear Sickly,

Every policy has its limits, just like every night has its dawn. Most law firms buy health insurance policies for associates with a $500,000 limit and maintain separate million dollar policies for partners. Does that mean that partners are more worthy of health care than you? You bet. But does that mean you should book a vacation to Chernobyl to see if you can hit the $500,000 mark? That depends on whether it's worth it to you to battle cancer to spite your firm. Which, now that I write it, actually doesn't sound so bad.

For the sake of argument, I'll assume that your policy limit is lower than $500,000 and that you can reach the max without having a devastating illness. Putting aside for a moment how UNBELIEVABLY alarming that is, you should by all means take advantage of the policy even if you're not seriously ill. Get some Accutane for your zitty face or start the ball rolling on that three course cervical cancer vaccination, especially if you don't anticipate catching leprosy before the policy limit refreshes.

In this economy, losing one's job and health insurance is as common as a "performance layoff" at Shearman & Sterling, so get your doctor visits in now. Trust me, I haven't had health insurance for the past 6 months and I would kill for a refill on my Lexapro Celebrex.

Your friend,

Marin

P.S. If you have extra, um, ceLebrEXAPRO, two-way me.

Paging Dr. Sophist....

[Ed Note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

Dear ATL-

About a week ago I was out for happy hour drinks with some people from my firm. I really hit it off with a young-ish junior partner who I hadn't really spoken to before. He asked me out for drinks and I said yes, but I'm wondering if this entire situation isn't a disaster in the making.

Do you think I should cancel? By the way, I'm a corporate associate and he's in litigation, if that changes anything for you.

Sincerely,

The Other Wendy Savage

Dear The Other Wendy Savage,

JACKPOT. If all goes well, you're only two years away from quitting that crappy job of yours and spending your days sitting on a couch watching Guiding Light and eating gummy worms. But before you can live the dream, you've got to navigate the rocky terrain of dating both a boss and a co-worker.

If things go badly on the first date, no harm no foul. You've scored free drinks, he won't mention it to his fellow partners for fear of Megan's Law, and you'll probably never have to work together. Even if there are no sparks, non-billable time with a partner at your firm may come in handy anyway. I once went on a date with a partner from another firm and I asked about that year's bonus and whether partnership meetings resemble Priory of Sion rituals.

The problems creep in if you continue dating and then things go south. At that point any attempts to hide your relationship from co-workers will be laughable, and, depending on whether you work in a corny firm, once you've gotten to third base you may have to report it to human resources and sign a sexual harassment release. Partners and associates may talk about it behind your back or look down on you, but people have been drinking haterade since time immemorial. If it doesn't work out between you two, you can always move your desk, lateral out, or date another partner at the firm.

Look, is it risky to go on date with the partner? Sure, but it's a far greater gamble to date an M.F.A. student (future poverty), a bartender (adulterer), or someone in finance (future poverty). As humble servant of Christ Joel Osteen implied in his Portfolio magazine profile, "God wants you to be rich." And so do I. So do I.

Your friend,

Marin

What does Elie think about all this? Find out after the jump.

Last night was one that made history, and not just in the ways you would think. As crowds stood at the Biltmore Hotel and at Grant Park, two women, one who would have been First Lady and one who became First Lady-Elect, stood by their husbands wearing what was historically each woman's worst outfit during the entire two year campaign trail. The screams and cries you saw on tv and heard from your window were not the agony of defeat and the exhilaration of change, but rather the despair of a nation at the devastating fashion choices made by Cindy McCain and to a lesser extent, Michelle Obama.

John McCain's exceptionally gracious concession speech was in stark contrast to his wife's monstrous skirt suit, the color of mononucleosis urine. That she chose to go in costume as Gulden's Mustard four days after Halloween in a feeble attempt to prove that she's a kid at heart like the rest of us, speaks to her impetuousness and poor decision making skills - the same shortcomings her husband suffered in his selection of Sarah Palin as a running mate. True taste requires people to disregard the label, whether it be Female Governor or Oscar de la Renta, and see the selection for what it is - in both cases, a shimmering banana. My friends, our election of Obama has spared us an administration of Santa pantsuits, and crusty St. John knits.

That's not to say that our First Lady-Elect fared well last night. She wore a Narciso Rodriguez red and black ombre dress with an obi sash similar to the ones worn at Benihana and cropped black cardigan. I didn't hate it, but the dress appeared to be on fire. The outfit comes as a blow to many Americans who expected Michelle to knock it out of the park as she has done previously in Thakoon. No doubt two years on the road is as grueling physically and mentally as it is wardrobe-wise, but a less than stunning election night dress is NEVER ok, nor for that matter is a purple tapered jean which she once wore at a rally to universal horror.

America voted for change last night. It is my sincerest hope that Michelle's victory speech dress is not an indicator of four more years of fashion mediocrity. Yes we can.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

ATL -

I'm new at my firm (small firm in Midwest, not BigLaw), and apparently people here dress up for Halloween. The head partner has sent a bunch of emails reminding everyone to wear their costumes on Friday, Oct. 31 and the secretaries are going nuts talking about it. What should I go as? Or should I not dress up?

All Dressed Up For Nothing

Dear All Dressed Up For Nothing -

Your firm differs little from Biglaw; every shop I know treats Halloween as a day of unbridled merriment and levity. Deals come to a screeching halt, associates throw documents off their desk and set up jack-o-lanterns and duplicating and graphics department mail people cast their bitter feuding aside to hold hands and dance around the cafeteria bonfire. To keep up with your firm's apparent enthusiasm for the holiday, so you'll need a costume that projects an image of the associate (and future partner!) they want you to be: bold, slutty and borderline offensive.

If there are devout Latter Day Saints at your firm, consider going as a Yearning for Zion FLDS member. Wear a stunning number from FLDS Crafts and spend the day carrying around a sister wife blow up doll and eight Cabbage Patch Kids. Commiserate with LDS colleagues about the long commute to work in a covered wagon.

Another sure-fire hit is donning a blonde wig and a slutty nurse costume. When your supervising partner asks what you're dressed as, reply "Your wife."

Finally, if you don't want to spend a ton of money on a costume, wear a suit and turn the pockets out. Smear grease on your face, clutch a crumpled Lateral Link brochure with your fingerless gloved hands. Make a matilda using a golf club and tie a Thelen gym bag to the end. You're all set to go as a homeless person. Now that's scary.

Happy Halloween!

Your friend,

Marin

Elie's advice after the jump.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

ATL - I'm a 2L at a T25 school and I have one callback interview. My grades are average. Do you have any tips on how to nail the interview?

Nervous Nelly

Dear Nervous Nelly -

Firm interviews are congeniality contests; you wouldn't be called back unless the firm already saw your grades and decided they could live with them. Since the job is yours to lose, here are a few tips on how to turn on the charm:

1. Appearance. Don't even think about wearing that Armani Alfani suit with those Kenneth Crap patent leather squared toed monstrosities. Ladies, save that yellow "statement" brocade suit for when you apply to be a Versailles courtier. If your roots are showing, dye them; if you're too fat for your suit, wrap yourself in cellophane and hit the gym. Interviewers want colleagues that they can potentially date or set up with friends, not co-workers who rummage for treasure at Filene's Basement. At least have the decency to stick some red tape to the back of your shoes.

2. Tackling Corny Questions. Most interviews involve ridiculous questions like, "Why did you decide to go to law school?" and my personal favorite, "What's your greatest weakness?" Frankly, nobody wants to hear some garbage about how law is your "passion" or how your mother read Emanuel outlines aloud to you as a baby. Winning responses are ones that the interviewer can actually relate to, like "I actually was forced into going to law school by my parents, but it turned out to be a good fit." During OCI, a partner asked me what my favorite TV show was, and my answer - Cribs - cracked her up and scored me a callback. Working at a firm is objectively depressing, so bring some laughter to their weary world.

3. Reverse Psychology. Studies have shown that interviews where the interviewer hogs the time are rated very positively by the interviewer, so put on your complimenting hat and sally forth. A good launching point is any framed pictures of hideous children or fat spouses. If the interviewer drops the word "fiancé" in conversation, you've struck gold because engaged people are always eager to brag about their impending wedding. The more time the interviewer spends talking about him or herself, the less time there is for corny questions (see #2).

As unhelpful as this sounds, you might also want to, er, RELAX and attempt to be yourself on the interview. Sweating profusely and providing canned answers to questions only makes you look desperate. Not having a firm job may seem like Armageddon, but trust me, it's not. It just might be the beginning of something great.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie's take after the jump.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

ATL,

I am a newly minted federal law clerk stuck in a small city where I don't know anyone. The 12 hour work days I have been recently putting in have made meeting new people rather difficult. During a recent jury selection, I noticed a rather attractive member of the jury venire. Said juror's questionnaire just happened to be at the top of the stack on my desk. A quick glance showed that the potential juror was: single, my age, and lived nearby. The questionnaire also contained both a phone number and email address. So my question is, can I take the number off the questionnaire and give the juror a call?

Confused in Chambers

Dear Confused in Chambers,

I (luckily) don't have access to Westlaw/Lexis anymore, so I can't see if there are any ethical guidelines governing your predicament, but last time I checked, ignorance of the law was a pretty solid excuse. Personally, I can tell you that every unattached woman I know rolls up to ABA CLEs, Legal Aid Society fundraisers and jury duty with one intention, and one intention only: BAG A MAN. The law might "require" "jury service" but the nowhere is it written that makeup and Spanx are mandatory. If girlfriend was looking good enough for you to notice, she probably didn't roll out of bed looking that way. The lady's on the prowl, so take the hint and start looking for places with dim lighting.

That being said, I can see how it might be HIGHLY ALARMING for a woman to receive an email from a court official stating that while she thought was performing her civic duty, little did she know that another, more dastardly kind of "venire" was going on (elbow-elbow-wink-wink). You'd have to use the old "I never do this, but" line and carefully explain that her incredible beauty was so overpowering that you were compelled to subvert the mantle of your authority, use privileged information for personal purposes and put your job on the line just to see if maybe she wanted to grab a drink or get tapas. Her reaction to your email - flattery or restraining order - will mostly depend on whether she found YOU attractive. So if you're a fat slob, you might want to think twice.

Some of the greatest love stories of our time are the product of ethically dubious liaisons. John McCain left his newly-crippled wife who had tirelessly sought his release as a POW and cared for their three children for Cindy's money. And relationships with associates are practically a requirement for equity partnership at firms. Given your schedule, this juror might be your last chance to meet someone in real life and not Second Life. Worst case scenario, even if she files for a restraining order, you already have an in at the court.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie's response after the jump.

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

Dear ATL --

I work for two partners at my firm - a senior one and a junior one. The senior partner routinely assigns me less urgent work, but he expects his projects to be handled immediately. The junior partner assigns me more urgent deal work, which also must be done immediately. Both partners hound me to attend to their projects, and if I do the senior partner's work before the junior partner's, the senior partner is pissed off, and vice versa. I've sent an email asking them how I should prioritize the projects, and neither has responded. I feel like I'm screwed either way. What would you recommend I do?

Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Rock and a Hard Place -

Advances in sheep cloning give associates hope that they will soon be able to be in two places at once, double bill and send themselves for coffee. Alas, that glorious day is not yet upon us. For now, you have to pick one of the projects, tackle it first and piss a partner off. Thus the question becomes, which partner is it better to enrage?

Most people would probably tell you to do the senior partner's project first, because while his work may be less pressing, he has more clout at partner meetings and owns two Ferraris. Prioritizing memoranda to files may keep the senior partner momentarily happy, but in doing so you'll look like a slacker to the rest of the deal team. And when purchase agreements go out the door with brackets around Section 9.2.1 stating "pending IP review," you'll look like an asshat in front of the client.

Believe it or not, you were not primarily hired to preserve your own job, but rather to advise firm clients. The senior partner may have more hiring/firing power over you than the junior partner, but it's your duty to convey to the senior partner that the deal team, the junior partner and the client cumulatively outweigh him, even if he is obese. Telling him "not right now" won't be easy, but it's nothing that his wife and lady friend haven't done before.

Your friend,

Marin

Read Elie's take after the jump.

Dear ATL -

I'm a midlevel associate at a big firm in NY. I haven't been on a real vacation in 1 year and 43 days, but who's counting. Back in February I booked a trip to West Africa that I'm scheduled to go on this fall, but I just got news that two of my deals are scheduled to close when I'd be away. The firm will never outright tell me to cancel my trip, so if I voluntarily cancel it, they wouldn't reimburse me and I'd be out $5,000. But I'm worried that going would be a lousy career move. Any advice?

Out of Africa

Dear Out of Africa -

Like you, most associates believe that there are only two options when it comes to ill-timed vacations: go and be paranoid or cancel and be enraged. But what if there was a way to transform this lose-lose situation into a brilliant career move?

If you decide to cancel your vacation, instead of fantasizing about bringing a gun to work, channel your anger into becoming a martyr. A canceled trip isn't worth anything unless people know about your heroism, so change your signature to a quote from Heart of Darkness and then send an email announcing that because you're a "team player," you've canceled the exorbitant trip that you've been planning for a mere eight months. Decorate your office with taxidermy gazelle heads as a constant reminder of your sacrifice. If possible, rappel to work.

If you decide to go, a great way to quell your paranoia and manage the damage is by reassuring everyone that you had a miserable time. Partners love a ruined vacation story, so upon your return, scratch your face with Power Point slides and then mention that the trip was terrific, except for the part where you were mauled by a lion. Twice. The note to your file that says "abandoned team during critical deal closing" will now be qualified by "animal attack" and the partnership will be hard pressed to use the vacation against you.

A few years ago I canceled a trip because of work, and I can tell you firsthand that the brownie points I earned by staying were worth less than ten days in Ecuador, and far less than a trip to West Africa. Firms don't offer associates "vacation days" as a practical joke, and you're entitled to take them. There is never a good time to take a vacation, and it's up to you to have the courage not to cancel. Remember, the meek never inherit anything. Except the earth.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie weighs in, after the jump.

[Ed Note: Pls Hndle Thx is a new weekly advice column in which ATL tackles your toughest law firm problems and provides you with debatable advice. Got a question? Send it here, and we'll pick the best ones for future posts].

ATL -

My secretary is an idiot. She means well but can't do basic things like collate, input edits correctly or cover for me when I leave the office early. She's in her late 40s and a single mom, and while she tries hard, she really sucks. The secretary supervisor has been pestering me to review her because that's how they determine pay levels, but I know if I'm honest in my review she'll get penalized and potentially be fired. What should I do?

Secretary Purgatory

Dear Secretary Purgatory,

Take heart: the good news is that your secretary doesn't have to be a law firm charity case. The bad news is that you have to implement the following three step system before you give your damning review:

1. Um, try talking to her. If you'd like your secretary to edit more carefully, simply snatch the offending documents from her hands and snarl, "Next time can you try not making 10,000 mistakes so that I don't have to do everything myself? Great, thanks." Or, just casually mention that she is doing a horrendous job and needs to shape up or else.

2. Set traps in order to determine whether any improvement in your secretary's work is real or a false positive. For instance, you might ask her if she sent that fax that you specifically asked her to send. If she replies in the affirmative, triumphantly reveal that there IS no such fax and that she's a filthy liar. Proceed immediately to Step 4. If she doesn't know what you're talking about, grudgingly admit that you were testing her but that you're nevertheless onto her dirty tricks.

3. Regale her with stories about assistants who have gone above and beyond the call of duty, like Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire. Renee risked it all for her boss, you should mention ominously as you sit on the edge of her desk. Does she want to be a Renee? Don't wait for her answer - walk toward your office and when you reach the doorway, pause, turn back and say, "I don't know... I just don't know."

4. If you've implemented Steps 1-3 and your secretary still shows no signs of progress, give her an honest review. Frankly, if you suck at your job, the partnership won't hesitate to give YOU a bad review (unless you work at Davis Polk, in which case you won't be told anything until you're fired). The hallowed pyramid structure of law firms can only be maintained if shit rolls down hill. Just as senior associates must throw you under the bus when you screw up, so too must you throw your underlings under the bus so that we may preserve this cycle of abuse for our children and our children's children.

Your friend,

Marin

See Elie's response after the jump.