I don't understand--momma used to do things like that so I could go to the best schools, even though they said I was a little too slow for school. But, you know what, they said I was slow, but I was the fastest kid in school. Once my magic legs fell off, I ran and ran. So, I don't know why they said I was slow. Hmm, maybe momma just liked making those crazy noises with the principal man.

What is all this talk about transfer students. Back when I was at the Universitee of Al-a-bama, we had some transfer students. Momma said they were real nice people. Once, I talked to one of them transfers, and you know what, they were real nice. Momma was right.

I think I might transfer myself one day. But you know what, I will avoid the University of Chicago. I met some students from that school once when I was running across the country looking for my Jenny. And you know what, those students from that there particular school were real weird and all. They thought they were economic experts and stuff. But you know what, you couldn't carry on a conversation with those students. They were always talking about some guy named Posner and trying to make themselves feel like they were somehow connected to that Posner fellow. Now I don't know no Posner fellow, but if he is anything like these University of Chicago students, he must have a hard time in the social scene. Nobody wanted to talk to those poor folks. They had what momma calls a certain complex. Something about their mommas not really loving them too much. So, they had no firends and got good grades and all, but then nobody liked them. That is all I have to say about that.

Momma is not gonna like this new Stanford system. Back here in Alabama, we still grade A-F. All the fancy rich people at Stanford and Yale are spoiled little babies who feel sad if they don't get a smiley face on their paper or get the same good grade as everyone else.

You know what I think, all the people at Stanford and Yale are just a bunch of silly pansies. They don't like grades because if you give someone a bad grade, it might make them feel sad. I bet these students' mommas never whipped their behinds or these students' teachers in their fancy private schools growing up never used red pens to mark up their tests because red makes them feel bad about themselves. But you know what, here in Alabama, if you are dumb, we tell you. You get an F. And we can stand up for ourselves now.

I used to hear momma grunt all the time in her bedroom.

Back here in Alabama, we grunt all the time. People are grunting in the morning, in the afternoon and at night before bed. And you know what, they like to grunt. If people don't like that, they can just plug their ears or use those little orange ear plugs that momma used to put in sometimes, you might have seen em.

You know what, I don't know why people pay money to go to some building to ride a bike that doesn't even go anywhere. Down here in Alabama I think we call that stupid. We ride bikes to get places, not to stay in one place.

They all visited momma in her bedroom down in Alabama.

I like the food in Texas. Momma used to make Texas BBQ sandwiches, and let me tell you, they were great. Once, I saw a Texan come through in Alabama, and let me tell you, he was a friendly man. He had a cowboy hat and liked to smoke ceegars. But you know what, he smelled like those ceegars. Momma didn't like kissing him much.

I think DC is so bad because there are democrats that live there. Momma used to say you could never trust a democrat, unless it was Johnson. He was a nice man. I showed him my buttocks once.

I like the Redskins, and you know what, we used to watch that football game every year on Thanksgiving between the Redskins and the Dallas Cowboys. Momma used to talk about those football pants. I never knew what she liked so much about those pants. Football pants don't even go all the way down to your shoes. When I was an All American at the University of Alabama, I tried to wear long pants to practice. And you know what, some boys beat me up.

I think the people in DC need to get guns like we have down here in Alabama. We have lots of handguns down here (momma used to carry three in her purse, one in her sock, and one in her bra--can you believe that, one in her bra), and you know what, I aint ever seen no one get murdered. We also take care of the people with no homes.

Am I first? Momma said if I worked hard, some day I would be in first place. You know what, she was right, I think.

Do people play this soccer game indoors? You know what, when I used to play ball indoors momma would whack me a good one. Also, once I tried playing soccer, but you know what, momma said only pansies played soccer. You know what, she was right. When I was at Alabama playing football, the football boys used to beat up the soccer players all the time. They were pansies after all.

Down here in Alabama, we don't let boys play soccer. Only the girls or weak boys who can't play football, baseball or basketball play soccer. This story was funny.

Once I saw Jenny in a thong, and you know what, I liked it. I don't recall any metal things, though, so you know what, I don't know if I believe this story. Metal things in your underwear, I mean who would do that? Can you believe that, metal in your underwear? That would be uncomfortable. And you know what, I'm pretty sure momma never had no metal things in her underwear either. At least, I never saw any in there. But, her underwear was very large, so maybe metal things are only in tiny underwear.

We had a honors program in Alabama. And you know what, they would not let me in. I told them it was because I was a liberal. At least that is what they called me. Well, they actually called me dumb (can you believe that) all the time, and momma and everyone else down here always said that liberals were dumb. So, I guess I am a liberal or something like that. You know what, I think they might be because momma never lied to me.

Dear Mr. Lat,

I think you are confused. Down here in Alabama, we know what hot is--like Jenny, she was a hot one, and you know what, I had her.

I clicked on the links to your Dean hottie contest, and you know what, most were guys. Can you believe that? Also, only one of the females did not make me barf in my mouth. But you know what, one of them made me feel funny, kinda like when I went to Jenny's dorm room and had an axe-e-dent.