Quote of the Day

I was in it to kill it. I want to replace lawyers with code.

Tim Hwang, quoted in Kashmir Hill’s piece in the June 16th issue of Forbes, discussing his stint at Davis Polk.

Tech guru Hwang secretly attended law school at Boalt Hall just to score his seven-month gig at Davis Polk, which he spent planning a computer program to replace first-year attorneys by automating tasks like document review (shhhh — don’t tell him about predictive coding or anything like that). Hwang plans to release the program to firms FOR FREE this summer. Look out Biglaw, you’re being forced down the same road Sterling Cooper did with its fancy IBM 360. Watch out for severed nipples!

I want to do things people tell me I can’t. You don’t think I can do three years of law school? Watch me.

– Shaquille O’Neal. We already knew Big Aristotle was looking into a law degree, but now we know where he wants to go. Once the big man is finished taking the LSAT, he has his sights set on Georgia Tech, Georgia State, or John Marshall Law School. Shaq, your friends at ATL would recommend Georgia State. We’d be alright with Georgia Tech. But we would not recommend John Marshall. Let’s just say it’s the Kazaam of law schools.

UPDATE (3:00 p.m.): Maybe there’s a joke in there that was a tad too dry. Let’s just say there’s a reason why we — who advise against going to most law schools — would be “alright” with one of the law schools Shaq has mentioned because we don’t think he’d really end up going there.

[Shawn Carter aka Jay-Z] is one of the most prolific and hardest-working businessmen and recording artists in the world. This summer, among many other commitments, he is headlining a grueling 18-city North American concert tour with his wife, Beyoncé Knowles, between June 25 and August 6. With the tour opening fast approaching, the next four weeks are already filled beyond capacity with production and business meetings and rehearsals. Preparing for a stadium tour is a non-stop effort. And this is all in addition to Mr. Carter’s usual duties as the CEO of several businesses, at least two scheduled product launches, and curating a first-of-its-kind, bicoastal, music festival in August…. [S]cheduling an early deposition would unnecessarily burden and harass [Jay-Z].

Cynthia S. Arato of Shapiro Arato & Isserles, in a letter to Magistrate Judge Ronald L. Ellis (S.D.N.Y.), detailing her client’s unavailability for a deposition.

Arato represents UMG Recordings, Island Def Jam Music Group, Roc-A-Fella Records, and Jay-Z in a suit filed by Dwayne Walker, who claims he’s owed $7 million in contractual royalties for the use of a logo he allegedly drew in 1995. Walker is represented by one of most infamous lawyers to ever grace these pages: Gregory Berry, he of the “superior legal mind.” In her letter, Arato claims that Berry has made “improper efforts to sensationalize” the case.

(Keep reading to see the full letter, which really hangs Greg Berry out to dry.)

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Johnny Manziel (By: Thomas Campbell-USA TODAY Sports)

I have nightmares of [Johnny] Manziel; he needs sex therapy. Seeing Manziel with his small penis caused me psychological emotional distress. I had to see a psychologist because I have nightmares of Manziel’s penis.

– An excerpt from a lawsuit filed by “Samantha Schacher,” but more likely filed by Jonathan Lee Riches, better known in the legal community as America’s favorite serial litigant. Read some of his work here, here, and here.

(Keep reading to see the rest of this entertaining lawsuit.)

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Justice Sonia Sotomayor

Reason enough why no country should ever engage in the practice of Affirmative Action again. This could be the result. Where would she be if she didn’t hit the quota lottery? Here’s a hint: “Would you like to supersize that sir?”

– Florida Assistant State Attorney Kenneth Lewis, in a message expressing his love for Justice Sonia Sotomayor on Facebook. Lewis also posted messages suggesting that “crack hoes” get their tubes tied for Mother’s Day, and in support of Donald Sterling and the right to free speech.

Andrew ‘Weev’ Auernheimer

PAY ME MY MONEY, YOU LYING SUBHUMAN GARBAGE. You also should resign from your posts, as you’ve shown yourselves to be collective disgraces to rule of law and enemies of the United States Constitution. Those of us who actually love this country should take your places.

Andrew “Weev” Auernheimer, in an angry letter emailed to Judge Susan D. Wigenton, U.S. Attorney Paul J. Fishman, Assistant U.S. Attorney Zach Intrater, and FBI Special Agent Christian Schorle, seeking compensation for his time spent behind bars after his conviction for hacking-related charges was vacated by the Third Circuit for improper venue (congrats to Orin Kerr on that).

(Keep reading to see Weev’s entertainingly trollish letter in full.)

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Judge Michael McShane

Even today I am reminded of the legacy that we have bequeathed today’s generation when my son looks dismissively at the sweater I bought him for Christmas and, with a roll of his eyes, says ‘dad … that is so gay.’

– Judge Michael McShane of the District of Oregon, in his heartfelt opinion striking down Oregon’s ban on same-sex marriage.

(Why was the opinion so heartfelt? Keep reading….)

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An anonymous associate in New York City.

The hope is that after 8 years, I’ll be made a partner. Until then, the job description basically states that I will be worked to death.

[My greatest fear about the next 8 years is] turning 40 and not having a personal life. Finding out that I’ve gotten where I want to be, but there’s nobody in my life to give a sh*t about where I am or what I’ve done.

– An honest associate who agreed to be photographed by Brandon Stanton of Humans of New York and share his story about life in Biglaw.

(Do you share the same fears? Feel free to sound off in the comments.)

Justice Antonin Scalia

[I]f law school is to remain three years, costs have to be cut; the system is not sustainable in its present form. The graduation into a shrunken legal sector of students with hundreds of thousands of dollars of student debt, nondischargeable in bankruptcy, cannot continue. Perhaps — just perhaps — the more prestigious law schools (and I include William and Mary among them) can continue the way they are, though that is not certain. But the vast majority of law schools will have to lower tuition.

– Justice Antonin Scalia, in his commencement speech at William & Mary School of Law. More highlights from Justice Scalia’s remarks, after the jump.

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But, and here is where I finally get to my point: The law is fascinating. It is incredibly important in people’s lives. And a legal education is an amazing opportunity to get the tools to understand, and most importantly, work within this system. (Here is where I should also note, in the interests of full disclosure, that I am in fact a law professor.)

– Professor Rigel Oliveri of Missouri Law, taking aim at the recent Slate article proclaiming that you can’t really do everything with a law degree. That’s a pretty significant caveat there, Prof — maybe should have shown up before the sixth paragraph. Check out her full defense of why the law is fascinating because it helped her win a $20 Target gift card (h/t: Law School Scam, Exposed).

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