Last week we covered some goings-on -- or non-goings-on, to those of you who found them boring -- at Shearman & Sterling. Here's a quick update.

We reported that, according to the firm, there have been no staff layoffs. One source writes:

I'd like to know how they define administrative staff, as they laid off their entire word processing / document production center (i.e legal word processors, proofreaders, EDGAR operators, and supervisors) in February 2007. It has since been disastrously outsourced....

Outsourcing from a year and a half ago isn't what we had in mind when we asked about recent layoffs. But we pass that along, for what it's worth; we do aim to be accurate.

In the comments, there were some rumors about start dates for 2009 associates. We're looking into the rumors and will report back. If you can confirm, please email us.

Update: We're still waiting for official word from the firm, but one Shearman offeree confirms that yes, start dates for incoming associates next year will be no earlier than November 30, 2009.

Finally, we wondered whether there might be an interesting story surrounding the one out of 140 summer associates who didn't get an offer. It turns out that there is.

Find out what it takes to get no-offered by Shearman these days, after the jump.

So far this summer has been a little slow in terms of juicy summer associate stories. Are SAs this year just too well-behaved for their own good? C'mon, kids -- lighten up, have some fun, drink a little (or a lot) at firm events....

Almost three weeks have passed since our last summer associate tale. So we were delighted to receive this gift in our inbox today, pertaining to a summer at Schulte Roth & Zabel in New York:

[A]t a summer event last night, one the Schulte summers -- let's call him Randy Savage -- unaware of the identity of a particular stranger, put him in a headlock and called him a (homophobic insult redacted) for wearing a Yankees jersey.

The stranger then asked Randy Savage: "Do you know who I am?" Randy Savage replied: "No, you punk."

Said "punk" turned out to be a Schulte partner. The fate of Mr. Savage is currently unknown.

Clearly it's the partner's fault for not looking sufficiently partner-like. It happens; we know some junior partners who still get carded. We hope the SRZ folks cut the guy some slack and keep him around, so he can proceed to embarrass himself at future events.

We reached out to the firm this morning to see if they might have any comment. They haven't gotten back to us as of the time of this posting.

As always, please don't name this summer associate or provide more biographical detail about him (e.g., his law school). If you do, we may ban your IP address from further commenting. Thanks.

Update: This comment from Dr. Gonzo says it all: "SNAP INTO A PARTNER!!!"

Sometimes it's hard to keep the law civil. But when you feel your temper rising, resist the urge to call opposing counsel a "jackass." And if opposing counsel calls you a jackass, resist the urge to retort by calling his mother a jackass.

Two Louisiana lawyers, Douglas H. Greenburg and Anthony P. Lewis, did not heed this advice, and now they've been reprimanded by the state attorney discipline board. Debra Cassens Weiss reports on the reprimand in the ABA Journal:

Greenburg is the former district attorney of Terrebonne Parish, according to a story published by the Courier at the time of the incident. Lewis had a private practice and was also an assistant district attorney in Lafourche Parish, the story said.

Lewis told the publication that he and Greenburg have a "long-standing mutual dislike" based on disagreements over each others’ manner of trial practice.

Lewis told the Courier that the incident began when Greenburg accused him of wrongdoing. Lewis retorted that Greenburg was still trying to prosecute, prompting Greenburg's jackass comment and Lewis' jackass retort, he said. At that point, Lewis said, Greenburg lunged at him, grabbed his lapel and knocked him over, causing a temporary blackout. Greenburg told police he grabbed Lewis' collar but he did not push him, the story says.

It seems like it's always the boy attorneys who lock horns in court. When is someone going to send us a good courthouse catfight story?

Reprimand Recommended for Lawyers Who Fought After Trading ‘Jackass’ Barbs [ABA Journal]

Three hundred and sixty billion? Even Exxon Mobil, whose $10.9 quarterly profit just disappointed Wall Street, doesn't have that kind of cash on hand.

So we're not sure what this fellow was thinking. From the Dallas Morning News:

A man has been accused of attempting to pass a $360 billion check, which he claims was given to him by his girlfriend’s mother to start a record business, Fort Worth police said.

Charles Ray Fuller, 21, of Crowley, was arrested on April 22 on an accusation of forgery, police said....

The personal check was not made out to Mr. Fuller and when the bank contacted the check owner, the woman said she did not write a check for $360 billion.

'Cause overdraft fees are a bitch.

Quips our tipster: "[T]he dollar amount reminds me of something in the range of what Jonathan Lee Riches looks for. Perhaps JLR can represent him."

Man accused of trying to cash check for $360,000,000,000 [Dallas Morning News]

When judges preside over law school moot court arguments, like the one at Columbia Law School last week, they often dish out this compliment to the student advocates: "You're better than most of the practicing lawyers who appear before us."

And maybe they're not just being nice. If we had gotten to this item a bit earlier -- it's from last week -- Roger Phipps would have been a Lawyer of the Day. We're happy to declare him our Lawyer of Last Week.

Over at the Legal Profession Blog, Professor Alan Childress draws attention to this per curiam opinion (PDF) by the Fifth Circuit. Here's an excerpt:

[W]e would be remiss if we did not comment on the conduct of Roger Phipps, counsel for Hartz, during oral argument in this case on Tuesday, March 4, 2008. Phipps’ conduct towards the Court during argument was unprofessional. Even more serious was his admission that during his work on the case (including his preparation for argument), he had not read a key Supreme Court case. His cavalier disregard for his client’s interest and for his obligation to the Court was both troubling and disgraceful. [FN4]

Accordingly, we are ordering Phipps to provide his client, Hartz, a copy of our opinion immediately after it is released. In order to ensure compliance, we are further directing him to supply our Court with proof of service.

Ouch. So what did Phipps do to incur the court's wrath?

Read the text of footnote four, after the jump.

Update: For a postscript to this story, see here.

We don't get nearly enough news from the west coast, so we are happy to anoint two Oregonian attorneys our Lawyers of the Day.

At first, the idea of landlord-tenant lawyers duking it out struck us as awesome. But apparently their fight involved slapping, running away, and a "talking-to" from a judge. Not so awesome.

From the Oregonian:

[J]aws dropped last week when two attorneys duked it out in a first-floor hallway in front of a crowd of spectators, including a few county sheriff's deputies and Portland traffic cops.

Attorneys David Lawrence and Aaron Matusick had been in landlord-tenant court Thursday for a hearing and began shouting at each other when they left the courtroom, according to witnesses and officials who investigated the fight.

People in three nearby courtrooms spilled into the hallway to see what was going on, some just in time to see the two men literally butt heads. Although it's not clear exactly who did what, witnesses said one man slapped the other and the other responded with a punch to the forehead.

Then one of the attorneys dashed out of the courthouse. He was called back on his cell phone, and both men were summoned to Judge Pro-Tem Lewis Lawrence's chambers for a talking-to.

We wonder whether the deputies and traffic cops were just standing around cheering and taking cell phone photos. That's probably what we would have done. But we're not responsible for, like, keeping the peace and stuff.

Court fight! Lawyers trade blows in hall [The Oregonian]

Last week was a busy one in terms of bonus news. In addition, we were prevented from publishing as much as we wanted by technical difficulties (which lie outside the jurisdiction of your undersigned blogger, a mere writer and not a tech person).

Our recent neglect of the "misbehaving lawyers" beat has given rise to a backlog of possible Lawyers of the Day. We've decided to clear the backlog by tossing out five nominees and having you vote on who should get the honor.

Click on each lawyer's name to read more about their alleged misadventures. Then vote on who should be our Lawyer of the Day.

1. Todd Paris: This North Carolina lawyer was held in contempt after a judge caught him reading Maxim [quasi-NSFW] in court. "When [Judge Kevin] Eddinger gave Paris a chance to respond he apologized and 'stated in his view the magazine was not pornography, was available at local stores and that he did not intend contempt,' the [contempt] order said."

2. Beth Modica: "A former suburban prosecutor and PTA president had sex with two underage boys, joined many other teens in booze and pot parties and kept it all a secret from her police chief husband, officials said Tuesday. Beth Modica, 44, was indicted on 35 counts alleging statutory rape, criminal sex acts, sex abuse and endangering children. Wearing an olive-gray suit and handcuffs, she pleaded not guilty at her arraignment in Rockland County Court and was ordered held on $75,000 bail."

3. Mikal Hanson: "Pierre police early Thursday morning arrested an assistant U.S. attorney, who is accused of drunken driving and speeding. Mikal Hanson, 52, an assistant U.S. attorney in Sioux Falls, was stopped by police shortly before 1 a.m. for speeding, said Pierre Police Chief Elton Blemaster. The arresting officer could smell alcohol on Hanson and asked him to perform field sobriety tests, Blemaster said. 'Mr. Hanson didn't complete them as instructed,' he said."

4. Canadian Senator Mobina Jaffer: "Liberal Senator Mobina Jaffer is under investigation by the Law Society of British Columbia for allegedly overbilling one of her legal clients, including charging for 30 hours of work in a single day.... Jaffer has been called before the law society to account for more than $6 million in legal bills charged to her former client, a Catholic missionary order known as the Oblates of Mary Immaculate."

5. Jay Grodner: From the Chicago Tribune (via Blackfive.net):

Jay Grodner, the Chicago lawyer who keyed a Marine's car in anger because the car had military plates and a Marine insignia, finally got his day in court last week. Grodner pleaded guilty in a Chicago courtroom packed with former Marines. They came to support Marine Sgt. Michael McNulty, whose car Grodner defaced in December, but who couldn't attend because he's preparing for his second tour in Iraq....

"You caused damage to this young Marine sergeant's car because you were offended by his Marine Corps license plates," said Judge [William] O'Malley....

"That's because there is a little principle that the Marine Corps has had since 1775," the judge continued. "When they fought and lost their lives so that people like you could enjoy the freedom of this country. It is a little proverb that we follow: "No Marine is left behind.

"So Sgt. McNulty couldn't be here. But other Marines showed up in his stead. Take him away," said the judge and former Marine.

So those are the five contestants. Here's the poll:

* Dems to propose new surveillance bill? [Newsweek]

* Only a Garrison Keillor stalker would call it "transcendental love." [CNN]

* Pearl drops lawsuit against terrorists. [MSNBC]

* Law firm World Series. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Today's stupid crimes from Court TV. [CourtTV]

Maximilian Cordero believes the second time is a charm -- with respect to (1) a gender and (2) suing rich guys. From DealBreaker:

In the grand tradition of trying to turn the (real or imaginary) sexual assault you suffered at the hands of a creepy old guy into stocks and bonds, everyone knows you don’t start at the top of the food chain. You get a few starter suits under your belt first, THEN you go to the top. Got to walk before you can run, got to allege “he put his hand on my knee and I didn’t like it” before you allege “he jerked off into a towel while I stood there awkwardly, and I think there might’ve been a purple vibrator in there, too” (those are just for instances).

A few years ago, Maximilia née Maximilian Cordero filed a $10 million lawsuit that accused her former lawyer, Glen Gentile, of statutory rape and endangering the welfare of a minor 2002, when she was “under the age of 17” (representing Cordero was her new—at the time—boyfriend/attorney, William Unroch).

Unfortunately, the case got thrown out when the court informed Cordero (yes, it informed her) that in 2002, she was over the age of 17, and, actually almost 19. For her part, Cordero said that she was “shocked” to find out how old she was.

As Barbie (née Ken) might say, "Math is hard! (And so am I.)"

(You can read the complete post over at DealBreaker.)

Jeffrey Epstein Accuser Attempting To Get It Right Second Time Around [DealBreaker]

Earlier: Lawsuit of the Day: Cordero v. Epstein
Cordero v. Epstein: She's a Man, Man!

As we mentioned last week, U.C. Berkeley's Boalt Hall School of Law hired a brand consulting firm to come up with a new name for the school. The effort ended somewhat anticlimactically. Boalt paid $25,000 to Marshall Strategy Inc., which came up with this brilliant new moniker: "UC Berkeley School of Law."

Oh well. But since we already took the time to read through hundreds of suggested new names for Boalt Hall, we're going to conduct this reader poll anyway.

Cast your vote, after the jump.

Just like Justice Anthony Kennedy, Bankruptcy Judge Paul J. Kilburg (S.D. Iowa) does his own internet research. This is a lesson that Peter Cannon, Esq., learned the hard way.

From TaxProf Blog:

Mr. Peter Cannon, a West Des Moines, Iowa attorney, represented Defendant John Petit in an adversary proceeding initiated by Trustee to uncover assets of the Theodore Burghoff bankruptcy estate....

After reading both briefs filed by Mr. Cannon, and concluding that both contained an extraordinary amount of research, the Court directed Mr. Cannon to certify the author or authors of the two briefs. On December 22, 2006, Mr. Cannon certified that while he had prepared both briefs, he had "relied heavily" on an article written by others. The article upon which Mr. Cannon relied is Why Professionals Must Be Interested in "Disinterestedness" Under the Bankruptcy Code, May 2005, ("the Article") by William H. Schrag and Mark C. Haut, two attorneys of the New York office of Morgan, Lewis & Bockius LLP. The Court located this article on the internet. Mr. Cannon fails to acknowledge or cite this article in either brief.

To be sure, our job involves heavy use of ctrl-C and ctrl-V. But what Mr. Cannon did -- "seventeen of the nineteen total pages in the pre-hearing brief are verbatim excerpts from the Article" -- went a bit far.

You can find out how much Mr. Cannon charged his client for this plagiarism, and what happened to him next, over here (TaxProf Blog) and here (Volokh Conspiracy).

Judge Orders Attorney to Take Professional Responsibility Course [TaxProf Blog]
Attorney Sanctioned for Plagiarizing Article in His Brief [Volokh Conspiracy]
In re Burghoff [U.S. Bankruptcy Court for the Southern District of Iowa]

Sadly, the humorless crew over at Nixon Peabody has had their fabulous law firm song -- which, mind you, is NOT a theme song -- pulled from YouTube. See here.

Even if it's gone from YouTube, you can still access "Everyone's A Winner" as a plain-vanilla MP3 file. Just click here. We incorporate by reference all of our prior commentary on the song.

This memorable tune will also live on in the blogosphere. Numerous fine websites and blogs picked up on the story of the Nixon Peabody song controversy. Here are a few links:

1. Law Firms, the Blogosphere, and Unexpected Attention [Volokh Conspiracy (Orin Kerr)]

2. That ridiculous Nixon Peabody “theme song” was for real [Daily Intelligencer / New York Magazine]

3. Wow. Big law is so lame. With a capital "L" [Legal Antics (Nicole Black)]

4. Nixon Peabody Throws Fantastic Tantrum: Threatens Blogger Over Leaked Song [Keeping Up With Jonas]

5. Blogger contends posting silly leaked law firm song is fair use [ZDNet (Denise Howell)]

6. Everyone's a Winner (or, Friday Music Blog) [PrawfsBlawg (Liz Glazer)]

7. Sorry, but no one involved is a winner [IPTAblog (Andrew Raff)]

8. Best/Worst Law Firm Song. Ever. [the (non)billable hour (Matt Homann)]

9. OMG...The Worst Song Ever [Two Guitar Heroes and a Cat]

10. Everyone Is A Winner At Nixon Peabody [The Dish Daily]

11. Nobody Is Above the Law [Galley Slaves (Jonathan Last)]

If you know of a link that's missing, feel free to email us, and we can add it. Thanks!

Update: Additional links:

12. Sure, your firm just gave you a $25k raise, but do you have a theme song? [Sophistic Miltonian Serbonian Blog]

13. Law Firm Going Crazy to Keep Its Corporate Song Off the Internet [The Startup Lawyer]

14. Law Firm Freaks Out That Ridiculous Corporate Song Leaked Out To Blogs [Techdirt]

15. Re. Nixon Peabody [YouTube (ChurchHatesTucker)]

Everyone's A Winner at Nixon Peabody (mp3 file)

Earlier: Prior ATL coverage of Nixon Peabody (scroll down)

Our most recent post about Nixon Peabody -- which has a song, but NOT a theme song -- is about to scroll off the ATL front page. And we couldn't allow that, now could we?

So here's an update. A few brief points:

1. Some of you have described a fabulous video that accompanied "Everyone's A Winner at Nixon Peabody." Sadly, we've never seen this video. If you have a copy, please send it to us.

2. We received the song, from multiple sources, as an MP3 file. It was being widely disseminated by email ("FW: FW: FW:"). As far as we know, it was not sent to us by a disgruntled ex-Winner (contrary to the quasi-paranoid speculation of NP brass).

3. As of now, the song remains on YouTube. It has been viewed almost 14,000 times and garnered several accolades, including #26 - Most Viewed (Entertainment) and #11 - Most Linked (Entertainment).

4. In case the song gets yanked from YouTube, you can now access it directly on ATL, as an MP3 file. Just click here. Enjoy!

5. Some of you have inquired into the identities of the NP representatives with whom we spoke yesterday. These individuals expressly asked not to be identified by name (quelle surprise), and we agreed to that request. But we can tell you that they were in-house reps, not external PR people. One is a firm spokesperson, and one works on the business side of the firm. As far as we know, neither is a lawyer.

We haven't heard more from the firm since yesterday afternoon's phone call. If we do hear from them again, rest assured that we will let you know.

Everyone's A Winner at Nixon Peabody (mp3 file)

We've been in touch with representatives of the Nixon Peabody law firm about the musical composition that we posted (mp3) and wrote about this morning. First they sent us a statement by email:

"This song was put together in celebration of Nixon Peabody's Fortune 100 'Best Places to Work' recognition. Nixon Peabody aims to be the best law firm to work with and the best law firm to work for. Fun is not prohibited here."

Fair enough. But then we spoke with two firm spokespersons by telephone. They called us.

It wasn't a very "[f]un" conversation. They weren't happy campers. Even if they may be winners, since "everyone's a winner at Nixon Peabody."

They emphasized that the song was internal to the firm and is protected by copyright. They also insisted that it is NOT a "theme song" -- in any way, shape or form.

They demanded to know who sent the song to us. We informed them that we don't reveal our sources, unless served with a subpoena (and maybe not even then -- a Judy Miller-style jail stint might be good publicity for ATL).

They asserted copyright over the song and asked us to take it down, from our site and from YouTube. We stated our view that posting and commenting on the song constitutes fair use. It also falls within our newsgathering mission as a media organization.

We explained that our site is all about law firms and the legal profession. They said: "We know what you're about."

They claimed the person who leaked this song is "in a fight" with Nixon Peabody, and menacingly stated that they (meaning NP) "don't intend to let this thing lie." We informed them that we have no desire to get involved in the firm's purported dispute with this unnamed individual. And that's where we left things.

More thoughts after the jump.

* Scott Moss wants to know: What's the weakest legal argument you've ever heard? [PrawfsBlawg]

* William Birdthistle wants to know: What financial and legal regimes are most conducive to the development of French-fry-selling Thai restaurants? [Conglomerate]

* NBS wants to know: Is Hillary Clinton channeling Eva Peron? Bonus observation: "Dolly Madison had a decent rack, and now there's a whole line of cookies names after her." [Nasty, Brutish & Short]

* The WSJ Law Blog wants to know: Why are there so many darn lawyers in Roseland, New Jersey? [WSJ Law Blog]

We haven't given this cute little anecdote the full X-Summers treatment, since it doesn't involve scandal, and it doesn't conclude with anyone getting fired or no-offered. But we pass it along in case some of you might find it entertaining.

From a source at Wiley Rein in Washington:

We have an excellent summer class with no scandals -- although one [female summer associate] did ask if all these signs in D.C. saying "No parking or standing" meant that there had been a real problem with people standing around a lot beneath them.

After explaining the meaning, we then asked whether this had in fact impacted her behavior -- i.e., whether she had wanted to stand somewhere but felt she couldn't because of the sign. Indeed it had.

Per our standard policy, please do not name this individual (or speculate about her identity) in the comments. Thanks.

Thanks to everyone who has responded thus far to our call for summer associate stories. We've received a number of colorful anecdotes, which we'll be publishing over the next few days (or weeks, if the supply holds up). If you have a story you'd like to share, please check out the submission guidelines.

We like this one 'cause it's weird -- not just your typical tale of SA inebriation, followed by a drunken hookup and/or fistfight. Check it out:

1. Superhero name: The Swiss Mister
2. Special power: The ability to consume massive quantities of hot chocolate.
3. Summered: Lord, Bissell & Brook, Chicago, "a few years ago"
4. Claim to fame: From a source at the firm:

at the firm, there are kitchens on every floor. the kitchens have various drinks for the people to have while working: coffee, tea, and hot cocoa.

there is a protocol -- it's not that hard. if you are thirsty, or cold, or just want something nice and caffeinated, you go there and get a drink. common sense, right?

well, on this guy's floor, meeting services noticed that every night, the hot cocoa drawer was empty. they would refill it, and the next night it would be gone again. it was very bizarre... since the coffee and tea are more popular anyway, especially during the summer. the drawer is big. it holds a lot of packets of hot cocoa. but, every night... it was all gone.

it turns out this summer associate was stealing all of the hot cocoa. every day.

Read more -- including how he was apprehended, and whether he got an offer -- after the jump.

Try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, and try again. And maybe the 14th time will be the charm!

For those of you freaking out over the bar exam next week, chillax. You will probably pass. If you don't pass this time, surely you'll pass the next time. Or the time after that.

You'll be just fine -- as long as your name isn't "Paulina Bandy." From the Orange County Register:

Paulina Bandy couldn't fail the state bar exam again. Not after she failed 13 times before.

Some people complain that we're elitist. So we apologize for asking: What the hell is UP with this woman?

(Is Paulina Bandy the child of a prominent politician? They seem to be jinxed when it comes to the bar exam.)

If you feel sorry for non-top-tier law school graduates who can't land good jobs, just think -- things could be worse. Much worse:

Paulina Bandy couldn't fail the state bar exam again. Not after she had spent tens of thousands to attend law school. Not after she put her husband Jon Gomez through the ringer for so many years. Not after the debt she piled up forced her family to move into a 365-square-foot home.

Anywhere outside the island of Manhattan, that's simply unacceptable.

More discussion, after the jump.

Don't try this strategy, which didn't turn out that well for one Daniel Ellis, of Cape Cod.

(Unless you want to get taken into custody. And face possible perjury charges.)

Jury duty excuse: I'm a racist, homophobic liar [AP via CNN.com]

From the NYT Reporter's Notebook on the Jose Padilla trial (previously linked to here):

Prosecutors have tried to prove Mr. Padilla’s guilt with a training camp application they say he filled out and wiretapped phone conversations in which he took part or was discussed. But they have no witnesses who saw Mr. Padilla fill out the form, and the phone recordings make him sound more troubled than malign. They suggest Mr. Padilla, a former gang member in Chicago and fast-food worker in South Florida, struggled to fit in and learn Arabic in Egypt, where he moved in 1998.

“Basically, he is a slow learner,” one of Mr. Padilla’s associates told another in 1999, five months after he arrived in Cairo. “Basically, he doesn’t want to speak. I mean, the man doesn’t ... doesn’t move.”

There's a difference between incompetence and complacency. Nevertheless, Padilla's inefficacy puts us in mind of this great Onion article.

Mysteries, Legal and Sartorial, at Padilla Trial [New York Times]
After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack [The Onion]