Sex

No, Grumpy Cat did not turn on her owner.

But a viral video star has traded Internet notoriety for real notoriety after being arrested on charges that he murdered a 73-year-old law firm partner. The cause of death was described as “blunt force trauma.”

The body was found Monday and now police have apprehended their suspect…

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Pimps are traditionally colorful characters. Flashy dressers brandishing pimp chalices and all that. Sure sometimes Wayne Brady needs to choke a woman, but “a pimp’s love is very different from that of a square.”

Apparently attorneys for pimps are equally colorful if a New York sex-trafficking trial is any indication. And comparing the prosecution’s expert to a prostitute is not the only wacky legal tactic in the case.

Why can’t I ever get this case when I get called for jury duty?

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* Joseph Rakofsky has lost his case against, well basically everyone. Including ATL. [Popehat]

* EDNY Judge Edward Korman is earning accolades for his sassiness. [Jezebel]

* The Supreme Court handed down its decision in the Monsanto case. Reading the decision is not exhausting. Get it? [Patently-O]

* Happy Mother’s Day from Kobe Bryant! Black Mamba takes his mom to court. [Legal Blitz]

* Sammy Hagar can’t be held liable for defaming a woman. He also can’t drive 55. [Courthouse News Service]

* Stealing $100 worth of cigarettes may seem crazy, but $100 worth of cigarettes in Texas would net something like $480,000 in New York City. [Legal Juice]

* Intellectual property run amok. And it doesn’t involve Prenda in any way! [Dealbreaker]

* As we reported before, being a divorce lawyer is not just for nailing your clients anymore. [Jezebel]

But what about handcuffs?

I was not strapping on leather and bearing a whip. I have never done that. I have never taken part in an orgy. Ever.

Amanda Knox, the American student who was convicted and then acquitted of the murder of Meredith Kercher, commenting on the absurdity of the theory of the case against her — specifically, that she had been a part of a “sex game gone horribly wrong.” Knox’s acquittal was recently overturned by Italy’s highest court.

Hooking up with summers…

Some firms bar the practice altogether. Others turn a blind eye. Putting aside firm policy, there is a possible moral conundrum. On the one hand, there is a power relationship at play, bringing the situation into the realm of sexual harassment. On the other, the extent of influence an associate holds over the future employment of a summer is roughly 0%, so why should anyone care? It’s a dilemma.

And then there’s the fallout to consider.

Enter these genius/creepy bros from the D.C. area. They have a plan to hook up with the summers and avoid all (or at least some) administrative and moral obstacles….

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Juan Monteverde and Alexandra Marchuk

For connoisseurs of salacious suits, Marchuk v. Faruqi & Faruqi is the gift that keeps on giving. First Alexandra Marchuk, a young lawyer and recent Vanderbilt Law graduate, sued the Faruqi firm, claiming that she was subjected to relentless sexual harassment during the short time that she worked there. Then the Faruqis and partner Juan Monteverde fired back, filing aggressive counterclaims against Marchuk.

Marchuk isn’t taking these claims lying down. She has amended her complaint to add new causes of action and to increase her multimillion-dollar demand….

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Should the parties choose to string this case out to trial on the merits, the Court encourages reasonable discovery intercourse as they navigate the peaks and valleys of litigation, perhaps to reach a happy ending.

– Chief Judge Fred Biery of the Western District of Texas, denying a preliminary injunction sought by strip club owners in San Antonio who are challenging city regulations that would require bikini tops instead of pasties to avoid stringent licensing requirements.

(The Chief Judge produced over seven pages of genius double entendre. Check out the full opinion, which he entitled “THE CASE OF THE ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY BIKINI TOP V. THE (MORE) ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY PASTIE,” after the jump….)

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“I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked.”

– Allen Ginsberg, Howl

I am supposed to be paying something on the order of $2,500 a month in student loan repayments. I currently make a shade over $55,000 a year which, after taxes, comes out to a tick under $3,200 a month. Please don’t mistake me for a braggart, dear reader, as I am a man much like yourself. I get up every morning and slip my cheap suit on one pant leg at a time. Just like you! It’s just that, after my threadbare suit is hanging from my gaunt frame, I have dozens of dollars to my name. Dozens.

If you are reading this website, you are well-acquainted with the state of student debt in this country. Above The Law, once a bastion for bottles, models, bonuses, and benefits, covers the hangover now too. The hangover is a useful start for any consideration of debt in this country, as it turns out. Shot through with the morality that only the descendants of Puritans can muster, debt in this country is treated not unlike a sexually transmitted disease or pleated pants: it’s moral turpitude that led you here.

Remember kids, banks will never ever ever forget your student loans. They may forgive them, though. As if they’re handing out papal dispensations from on high, banks are passing moral judgment even when your duties as a debtor may be discharged.

This is the moral universe we currently reside in. And it’s one that has seriously warped consequences.

This story is about Nazis and sex slavery…

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Having to talk about penises all day can make anyone a little punchy. If you’ve ever attended/run into a bachelorette party, you know what I mean. And it seems the lawyers in the Catherine Kieu trial have sublimated that punchiness with some unintentionally funny wordsmithery.

If you’ve not been following the case, Catherine Kieu is on trial for drugging her husband, cutting off his member, and throwing it in the garbage disposal. The final act prevented her husband from having his wang reattached, and Kieu went to this extreme presumably to keep him from enjoying an amateur porn resurgence like John Wayne Bobbitt.

But with the trial wrapping up, let’s look back….

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Hey, we’re talking about Hulk Hogan here, so I figure a 20-year-old reference like “Talk to the Hand” is entirely appropriate.

A judge in Florida has ordered Gawker to take down a sex tape it acquired showing wrestler Hulk Hogan putting the “Legdrop of Doom” into his friend’s ex-wife, along with Gawker’s accompanying commentary and all the comments made to the post.

Gawker has taken down the video.

But in lieu of taking down the post and the comments, Gawker penned a stirring defense of the First Amendment that will also serve as Exhibit 1 in the eventual contempt hearing….

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