Sex

This will probably end badly.

I don’t know what kind of “logic” makes prospective law students think that they’ll all end up in the top five percent of their classes. But I’m pretty sure the same kind of fallacy arises when a male law school graduate thinks that two women want to take him home from a bar and make love to him at the same time.

Maybe it’s not a logical fault. Maybe it’s the old Achilles heel for lawyers; they’re bad at math. Just because something is possible doesn’t make it probable. What’s probable is that the two women intend to rob you (you know, just like most law schools)…

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Kimberly Kisselovich from @Kimberly_Kisse

Move over Andi Dorfman. The Atlanta prosecutor who traded murder trials for handing out roses may appeal to those seeking a lawyerly “girl next door” fix, but if you’re looking for more of a lawyerly “girl on girl action” type, then meet reality TV’s latest legal star, Kimberly Kisselovich.

California native Kisselovich served as Playboy’s “Cyber Girl of the Month” for June 2013, but what readers didn’t know if they weren’t diligently reading the articles is that she was working on her law degree at a top-ranked school at the time.

Which show is she on? I’ll give you a hint, it’s famous for stars parading around in skimpy outfits, getting drunk, and having inappropriate makeout sessions on camera.

Oh, wait, that’s every reality show. Except Wicked Tuna.[1]

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Oh, this is rich. Some poor half-man who undoubtedly owns several pairs of X-Ray specs and a colony of Sea Monkeys decided to trust the dubious promises of an online retailer promising to turn him into a latter day John Holmes. Obviously this purchase was never going to work out for him, but this story has a much more comical ending: the retailer sent him a magnifying glass.

Ahahahahahahaha.

While the newspaper refers to the retailer as a scam artist, it seems to me they sent the only possible product that could deliver on their claims.

And there’s a lawyer involved in this story and you’ll never guess what his name is….

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This is the future. You need to titillate both ends, if you catch my drift. Don’t put the economic imperative right in my face. It’s all about the je ne sais quoi.

– a 61-year-old derivatives lawyer from Manhattan, gushing about Bliss Bistro, an underground, invite-only strip club/brothel. The cover charge is $40, and it costs $200 for 20 minutes to rent a private area, plus whatever the women charge for their “services.” One woman recently charged $400 for oral sex.

This girl will cut you and/or f*ck you.

Now that Memorial Day weekend has come and gone, summer is here. Law students like to hold grudges, though, so we’re still hearing about insane tales from the law school finals period.

Law students can be ultra competitive, and they become even more so during exam time. You may have heard stories about law students ripping pages from much needed books to prevent their classmates from getting ahead. You may have heard stories about law students deleting pages of outlines from their classmates’ laptops to ensure their own success on the grading curve.

But we’re pretty sure you’ve never heard about sexy law school retribution before….

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“I’ve wanted you since the DNA expert voir dire.”

Murder trials are stressful. Most people soldier through it. Some develop quirky regimes to keep their mind clear. Some learn how to breathe better. More just develop solid poker faces. But a pair of court staff members found an alternative method of stress relief: they started boning in court. Or at least in the room adjoining the courtroom.

I guess they weren’t interested in the prosecutor’s summation. This is what happens when you don’t let people keep their smartphones in court. Would a rousing round of 2048 in the courtroom have really been as distracting as a round of 69 right next to it?

Just when you thought Ally McBeal was too far-fetched, something like this comes along….

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She hid her weed… where?!

With profits per partner soaring at some Biglaw firms, partners need to find ways to spend all of their money. Some like fine wine, but others prefer fine women — and that’s usually where all the trouble begins.

Case in point: one prominent partner recently found himself involved in some shady police activity after a woman who claimed she was owed money for “services” was arrested at his home with drugs stashed in her nether regions.

This partner’s bio has since been removed from the law firm’s website. Who is he, which firm does he work for, and what allegedly happened?

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UPDATE (5/17/2014, 6:00 p.m.): This piece proceeds on the premise that “Lisbeth” (the woman on whose behalf the fundraiser and Protecting Lisbeth Facebook page were created) and author of the Thought Catalog essay and Protecting Lisbeth blog are the same person. Though the parties involved currently remain anonymous or pseudonymous, this premise appears to be false. I regret any error or confusion.

In an essay for Thought Catalog called “I Had an Affair with My Hero, A Philosopher Who’s Famous For Being ‘Moral,’” an anonymous graduate student describes her soured romance with a prominent professor from another university and how she learned that he initially hid his history of pursuing other young women. Shortly thereafter, her friend started a campaign to crowd-fund expenses for legal action. They created the pseudonym “Lisbeth” for the essay’s author. Under the heading “Help us sue the school protecting a known rapist,” the fundraiser’s description now reads, “I’m Emma Sloan, Yale 2010. My dear friend is suing the professor who tried to rape her and the university for knowingly protecting him. Thanks to donations from our generous supporters, she can afford the $7000 retainer for a forensic psychiatrist.”

The Chronicle of Higher Education reported on the case. Many within the academic community have joined the fray, whether to champion Lisbeth’s cause, attach it to broader gender equality concerns, express doubts, or simply gossip.

Title IX obligates schools that receive federal funds to address sexual violence or harassment on their campuses. To pursue a grievance or official complaint, the person need not herself be the victim of the alleged discrimination. Someone who claims to be the actual victim of a Title IX violation has the additional right to pursue her claim in private litigation against the university. If she can show that the school was deliberately indifferent despite actual knowledge of the misconduct, she can win injunctive relief or money damages for her injuries. Yale’s Title IX coordinator, Stephanie Spangler, is investigating Lisbeth’s claims.

So, where exactly did this professor’s alleged conduct pass from merely smarmy to worthy of legal sanction?

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In case you’re not aware, law school costs a lot of money. Just one year of legal education can run the average law student more than $50,000. Many, if not most, law students take out loans to cover the costs of law school, but some are lucky enough to have their educations paid for in full by their parents. The students in the latter group are beholden to their parents and can’t run the risk of making them angry, for fear of getting cut off financially.

Of course, today’s incredible tale deals with a law student in her 20s who pissed her parents off so badly that they refused to continue paying for her prestigious law school tuition. This girl did what any law student with cash flow problems would’ve done: she became a prostitute.

This law student cum lady of the night came across some choice clientele, as one of her top johns, a man in his late 60s, was a lawyer at a prominent firm. You can guess what happened next: the lawyerly lovers created a sex contract, and the relationship quickly soured. As it turns out, notwithstanding Fifty Shades of Grey (affiliate link), sex isn’t quite so sexy when it’s wrapped in a condom of legal terms.

The pair ended up suing each other, and now we’ve got a juicy judgment for you to feast your eyes upon…

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David Audlin

In January, we brought you word of a Florida state-court judge who posted a sex ad on Manhunt. We covered the news, first broken by JAAblog, since we are fond of stories about sexy judges. But we did not judge. Instead, Staci Zaretsky wrote of Chief Judge David Audlin, “more power to him if [the photos are] real. Everyone needs to get some, even judges.”

Last week, Judge Audlin resigned from the bench, apparently because of L’Affaire Manhunt. With all due respect to the judge, this strikes me as a bad decision….

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