Sex

Dewey Ballantine: “We’ll Have What She’s Having”

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When Harry Met Sally Above the Law Orgasm 2.JPGWe often compare law firm mergers to weddings. And other folks do, too.
So if law firm mergers are marriages, how do they get consummated? Enough about the wedding; what about the honeymoon?
One ATL reader had some thoughts on the matter:

Sorry to continue to batter you with sexual innuendo, but Law.com — which told us yesterday that “size does matter” — is at it again.

This time they’re talking about the Dewey Ballantine / Orrick Herrington & Sutcliffe merger. Zusha Elinson’s article starts off as follows:

“Maybe you’ve heard about The Big ‘O’ — the green one that’s as dear to Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe as the swoosh is to Nike.”

“The Big O” — for Orrick. Not to be confused, notes our correspondent, with “that special place between a first date and a shotgun wedding.”
(A double entendre in the lede — how risqué! If you’re still not getting it, click here, third item down.)

Apparently Orrick decided it would let Dewey Ballantine have the right side of the bed — err, firm name — as long as Orrick got to gloat about its big “O.” Voila, Dewey Orrick is born, with Orrick’s big green “O” as the logo of their love.

Here’s where Law.com goes a little overboard — and by overboard, I mean “How can we turn the most innocuous sentence into proclamations of much glorious sexytime”:

“Orrick put a lot of time and energy — and symbolism — into that simple circle.”

“Because the O is analogous to circle, it’s a continuum that has all kinds of evocative power,” said Norm Rubenstein, who was Orrick’s chief marketing officer when the mark was designed. “It also suggests the globe, which signifies the firm’s global reach.”

I may be mistaken about what Norm means by “the firm’s global reach,” but I’m sure that when combined with “a lot of time and energy,” it has “evocative power.”

Well! And finally, for filing under “too much information,” our reader adds:

For the record, if Law.com really wants to know, I have indeed heard of the big “O.” Unfortunately for my wife, she has not. Thank God for iron-clad prenuptial agreements.

We feel badly for the poor wife of this reader. She doesn’t know what she’s missing!
The Power of a Logo [The Recorder via Law.com]
Big O [Wikipedia]
Orgasm [Wikipedia]
Earlier: At Least They’re Not Merging With Cheetham & Howe

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If We End Up Getting Stuck With That Perv… Blame Canada

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canada canadian flag.gifThe United States and Canada are playing “hot potato” with sex offender Malcolm Watson. Here’s the latest development in the story (which we’ve been following):

An American teacher allowed to serve probation in Ontario for a misdemeanour sex offence was never “exiled” to Canada as was widely reported, the U.S. judge who approved the deal said yesterday.

Even before hearing a motion seeking to amend Malcolm Watson’s probation terms, Judge Thomas Kolbert made a point of addressing the political firestorm ignited by reports that a U.S. sex offender had been “banished” to Canada.

“This court never banished nor exiled Mr. Watson to Canada,” Judge Kolbert said.

Nevertheless, because of the resulting media uproar, the prosecution filed a motion seeking to amend Watson’s probation terms — to make him do his probation in Erie County, New York. The motion is under submission; the parties have three weeks to provide the judge with more information.
How does Mr. Watson feel about possibly having to serve out his sentence in the United States?

Outside the court, defence lawyer Tom Eoannou warned that if Mr. Watson is forced to stay in the U.S., he might yet force a trial.

So Watson hates us. He’s a Canadian, all right.
Sex Offender Not ‘Exiled’ to Canada, Judge Says [Canada Press via How Appealing]
Earlier: Canada to U.S.: Please Send Your Pervs to Mexico
Because Canada Is Suffering from a Pervert Shortage

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Non-Sequiturs: 11.09.06

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* It’s not slander if you call him a balding pervert. Or her an opportunist (and probably a desperate one at that — this is really scratching the bottom of the barrel, honey). [Page Six]
* Quakers like to keep their lawsuits confined to townhouse meetings. If you think you knew this because you saw Witness, you are guilty of lumping together all the religious denominations of rural Pennsylvania, and that’s just wrong. [Point of Law].
* The most obscure Baldwin brother, Daniel Baldwin, steals a car — and then some. (Volokh Conspiracy]
* Mitchell Stein, Esq., is one unhappy dog owner. And if you were him, you wouldn’t want this to happen to your dog, would you? On the other hand, it might stop it from humping your leg. [New York Times]

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From a Distance: ‘Cause Lap Dancing By Telekinesis Is Kinda Lame

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stripper Above the Law Law Blog.JPGIt’s tough enough as it is to make a living as a strip club dancer. Do we really need to make it harder for them?
In Tuesday’s elections, Seattle voters answered this question in the negative:

[L]ap dances will remain legal in Seattle. With a no vote on Seattle Referendum 1, voters were firmly rejecting the city’s “four-foot rule,” which would have banned lap dances by requiring exotic dancers and customers to keep their distance.

It’s nice to see the electorate strike a blow for free expression. If a “no contact” rule had been forced upon the clubs, they’d quickly go out of business. Patrons would just stay home — and watch porn. Same experience, no cover charge.
Another rule struck down by the vote would have required adult cabarets to be “well-lit.” Now that regulation would have REALLY killed the clubs.
Why? So many strippers have seen better days. They rely upon the cloak of darkness — plus foundation and concealer, by the pound — to look vaguely alluring to their clients.
(Summer associates who explore stripping careers, on the other hand, make up in youth what they lack in experience.)
Gavel bang: How Appealing.
4-foot Rule’s Defeat Means Seattle Reverts to Old Law [Seattle Times]
Seattle Initiatives: Attempt to Restrict Strip Clubs Failing [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]
Earlier: Summer Associate Stories: Girl Gone Wild

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Morning Docket: 11.09.06

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Capitol building Above the Law Legal Blog 2.JPG* Democrats likely to officially declare victory today in the Senate; Allen “has no intention of dragging this out.” [CNN; Election Law Blog]
* Thank you sir may I have another… .life sentence; Malvo gets life in Maryland. [CNN; Washington Post; Baltimore Sun]
* Another one bites the KCl in Texas. [CourtTV]
* KFed wants the kids, yo. I still say DFACS should take ‘em. [AP via FindLaw]
* California sex offender law found temporarily blocked by judge one day after being approved on the ballot by voters. [AP via FindLaw]

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Non-Sequiturs: 11.08.06

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Little Mermaid Above the Law Legal Gossip Site.jpg* While Gawker seems obsessed with the social-climbing aspiration of ex-Skaddenite Melissa Berkelhammer, hopefully we’ll soon find out what makes her any worse than the others. [Page Six via Socialite Rank]
* Denmark let the little mermaid stay, and yet they won’t let foreign-born spouses of Danish nationals cross the “Love Bridge.” [Bloomberg].
* Lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth making. (Sorry we didn’t cover the Hilary Duff stalker story, but there are some celebrity stories even we don’t care about.) [AP via Yahoo! News]
* Something(s) undoubtedly went down, but it couldn’t have been as bad as this. Please, Dr. Huxtable, say it ain’t so. [AP via NY Lawyer]

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Non-Sequiturs: 11.07.06

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chelsea clinton nude naked topless above_the_law.JPG* It’s becoming a trend. Another member of the bar takes his own life after being accused of sexual misconduct. [New York Times]
* Let’s keep it light, shall we? Yup, Britney has finally wised up. The bad news is that she lost her lawsuit against US Magazine; the court held that Britney asked for it. No word on what the judge thought of that other infamous video. [Defamer]
* Will feckless music heirs, like Hugh Grant’s character in About a Boy, actually have to get jobs? Even though Courtney Love recently sold part of her stake in Nirvana’s song catalog, I think Frances Bean is still pretty safe. [Lessig Blog]
* Take a cue from Chelsea Clinton, who was up and ready to vote before 6 a.m. today! Wow, celebrities ARE just like us. (Well, no, not like me, since I, like most BigLaw attorneys, straggle in, like, around 10 a.m.) [Empire Zone]

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Fried Frank Partner, Accused of Rape, Found Dead

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One of you drew our attention to this item, which is gossipy and engrossing, but not terribly humorous. Suicide and rape (or allegations thereof) don’t lend themselves well to laughs. From New York Magazine:

andrew_gardner andrew_t_gardner above_the_law.jpg“It’s bizarre, unfortunate,” Steve Coleman, an Atlanta police officer, was saying about New York attorney Andrew Gardner (at right).

Gardner, 39, was a litigation partner at Fried Frank. He had been an undergrad at Harvard and had gone to NYU for law school. He lived in Armonk with his wife and three kids. And he was found dead, a presumed suicide, on Monday.

This summer, Gardner traveled to Atlanta for a conference, authorities said. He checked into the Westin Buckhead Atlanta. On August 17, a Thursday, he went to Dantanna’s, an upscale chophouse there. At the bar, according to the Atlanta police, he met a 27-year-old woman, a teacher, and several of her friends. They ate dinner and socialized at the bar for a few hours. Then he invited her back to his hotel room, to hear some music, she told police. Inside the room, she claimed, Gardner “became aggressive, took off her shirt, grabbed her by the arms preventing her from leaving, threw her on the bed and raped her,” according to authorities.

Gardner was arrested, then released on $225,000 bail. Last month, he unsuccessfully attempted suicide by slashing his wrists. Yesterday his body was found at Butler Sanctuary, a nature preserve in Bedford, New York. Accordring to NYM, “There were no marks on his body, no bruises. A medical examiner is conducting an autopsy.”
Noted New York litigator Bernard Nussbaum, a Wachtell Lipton partner and former White House Counsel (to Bill Clinton), issued this statement on behalf of the Gardner family: “Mr. Gardner did not commit the crime of rape or any other crime. He was never indicted nor, we believe, would he have ever been indicted. His death is a great tragedy to his family and friends. He was a wonderful human being. He will be missed.”
Update: More information about this story is available here.
New York Lawyer, Charged With Rape, Found Dead [New York Magazine]
Andrew T. Gardner bio [Fried Frank via Google Cache]

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Interview Horror Stories: The Curious Incident of the Dog That Loved To Hump

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dogs humping dog sex.jpgSome of you think we don’t give the West Coast enough love here at ATL. We’re happy to report that our next few interview anecdotes come from west of the Rockies.
Here’s the first:

Some years ago, I was a junior associate at a Big Firm in San Francisco. I was asked to take a young female law student out to lunch after her morning round of interviews. I grabbed another associate, and the three of us went off to a nearby expensive, formal, white-tablecloth restaurant.

Things were going fine. The conversation turned to family pets, which was okay because my wingman (wingwoman, actually) was a dog lover.

But then the law student brought up the male dog her family had when she was a child, who was a lovely dog — except for his propensity to hump everything, including legs, furniture, etc. At first this was okay, and made us all laugh.

But then, encouraged by the laughter, the interviewee proceeded to stand up from her seat at the table — in an expensive, formal, white-tablecloth restaurant — and physically pantomime the dog’s humping movements. All the while, she was describing the humping at the top of her lungs, and laughing hysterically.

Result: No offer.

Guess her pantomiming left something to be desired. Was she wearing a pantsuit or a skirt suit?
Earlier: Prior Interview Horror Stories (scroll down)

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Ex-Judge of the Day: Glenn Staege

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We worship federal judges — for their brilliance, their probity, and their service to our nation. We have a somewhat lower opinion of state court judges.
Many state judges are talented and dedicated public servants (and some of them later serve on the federal bench). But some of them are like the Not-So-Honorable Glenn Staege:

Two women have slapped a former municipal judge with 18 felony charges on grounds that he allegedly made them sign a contract to live on his property and have control of their prescription medications. He then required sex acts in exchange for the medicine.

Glenn A. Staege, 67, was charged with two counts of compelling a person to prostitution and 16 counts of possession of prescription drugs with intent to deliver.

van trashy.jpgDo you really want to know the particulars? Okay, read on:

One of the women said she and her boyfriend had been homeless when Staege agreed to let them live in a van on his property. She adds that the former judge coerced her to perform sexual activity 18 times to get her prescription medications while he recorded the liaisons.

Having a van lying around your property: SKETCHY.
Having a van lying around your property, which you turn into a halfway house for homeless drug addicts: VERY SKETCHY.
Having a van lying around your property, which you turn into a halfway house for homeless drug addicts, whom you force to prostitute themselves in exchange for drugs, in sexual acts that you record on videotape: STATE COURT JUDGE.
Women Charge Ex-Judge Of Sex For Prescription Swap [All Headline News]

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