Sex

Over the weekend, the New York Post published an except from a book called Unicorn (affiliate link), a self-published memoir of a lawyer who lived the secret, swinging lifestyle.

I get it, “professional” woman writes about having sex with multiple partners and suddenly people are interested.

The Post describes the book’s author as: “Isabella Martin, 37, a successful corporate lawyer based in an East Coast city.” The post says that “Isabella Martin” is a pseudonym that the author is using for professional reasons.

Normally I’d ignore books with Harlequin romance lines like this: “During that period, I guess I saw sex just like a hot-blooded single guy with no emotional attachments would. I found it difficult to calm my mind and get to sleep if I hadn’t had an orgasm.”

But tipsters point out that the real “Unicorn” might not have been quite as successful as the Post would have us believe, which piqued my interest….

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Juan Monteverde and Alexandra Marchuk

Alexandra Marchuk’s high-profile discrimination lawsuit, Marchuk v. Faruqi & Faruqi, continues to escalate. She filed her initial complaint against F&F and partner Juan Monteverde in March of this year, the firm fired back with counterclaims in April, and Marchuk amended her complaint later that month.

Last week, Marchuk filed a second amended complaint in the case. It contains some juicy new allegations, including some that refer to what discovery has supposedly unearthed so far….

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If you’re stuck sitting in your office until all hours of the night wondering (a) how you’ll ever meet someone and (b) how you’ll convince them to take a chance on someone who routinely works until 4 a.m. turning documents while a team of lawyers argue over comma placement, well, you’re in luck!

A major online dating site has your back, publishing a listicle designed to convince their desperate readers why they absolutely should date a lawyer. It could be a good opportunity for these online daters to employ ATL’s advice on seducing a lawyer.

Is this thought-provoking, well-crafted advice about dating lawyers? In a word, no…

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Midwesterners may represent the most wholesome portion of our population, but their lawyerly brethren have allowed their libidos to get the better of them.

Take Kenneth Kratz, the sexting district attorney from Wisconsin who once notably told one of his victims, “You may be the tall, young, hot nymph, but I am the prize!” Another fine example is Reema Bajaj, a young solo practitioner in Illinois who pleaded guilty to engaging in prostitution (and was also accused of trading sex for office supplies).

Now we’re hearing about a public defender who was allegedly unable to keep it in his pants. Coles County Public Defender Lonnie Lutz held his position for 33 years before retiring in June. In the final years of his service as PD, he allegedly took advantage of the attorney-client relationship by repeatedly sexually harassing and fondling his female clients, but not all of them — “only the special ones.” The sweet nothings Lutz allegedly whispered to his “special” clients are quite… graphic in nature.

Is Lonnie Lutz just a horny old man? Let’s find out…

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Victoria Zdrok

Law school tuition has skyrocketed in recent years, and most people wind up financing their legal education by taking out up to six figures in loans to cover the cost of attendance. But because cuddling up at night next to mountains of debt isn’t a pleasant way to live, some people have found more creative ways to pay their way.

Whether it’s by having very rich and generous parents, keeping a day job and going to law school at night, becoming a sugar baby, or working a part-time job between classes, there are many ways to survive without having to fully rely upon student loans.

If those solutions don’t float your boat, you can just take off your clothes and become a Playboy pin-up….

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Khloe Kardashian

Here at Above the Law, we sometimes write about the Kardashians, a family made famous because a celebrity lawyer’s daughter couldn’t keep her legs closed on camera. From their 72-day marriages to their legal wranglings with Jonathan Lee Riches to their deep thoughts on controversial trial verdicts, these tabloid queens have given us a fair share of entertaining legal fodder.

Unfortunately for Khloe Kardashian, a recent law school grad allegedly provided some “entertaining legal fodder” to the reality TV star’s husband, Lamar Odom. Apparently this NBA player thought he was a free agent on the basketball court and in the bedroom…

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Sydney Leathers, an aspiring paralegal and one of the women behind the downfall of Anthony Weiner (part deux), recently published a guide on how to seduce politicians. Her tried and true methods seem to have worked well for her — not only was she able to sustain the would-be mayor’s sexual urges via text messaging, but she also raked in thousands of dollars from other sugar daddies. To put it plainly, this girl is a pro.

We decided to take a cue from her by creating our own guidebook on how to seduce lawyers. Just follow these five easy tips, and you’ll have him wrapped around your little finger…

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Let’s discuss your case.

A judge probably shouldn’t frequent a strip club. Forget all the arguments about the morality of strip clubs, or the need for judges to adhere to higher standards, or how the human brain can’t sustain that many playings of Girls Girls Girls by Mötley Crüe, the place is just crawling with people bound to show up in your courtroom for one reason or another.

But if a judge is going to frequent a strip club, it’s hard to top this judge’s style. He allegedly leveraged his legal know-how into sleeping with a dancer. Not bad. Better yet, instead of the clap he earned only a disciplinary complaint.

There’s no justice in the champagne room…

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Summer associate programs will be wrapping up soon. May the offer rates be ever in your favor.

As programs finish, we hope to hear some interesting tales of summer associate fun. This year, as in previous post-recession years, it seems that summers are playing it pretty close to the vest. Programs are smaller, and people are more terrified about not getting an offer thanks to the bleak 3L hiring market.

It looks like this year, people left their guns at home. Our biggest summer story of 2013 so far was the Cleary summer with a sex-offender past. And it’s not like he was sex-offending people in the office. Right now, even political interns are blowing away private practice summer associates.

To prime the pump a little bit, we have a summer associate story from a good firm in flyover country that shall remain nameless. It’s more humorous than scandalous, particularly as it involves summer-on-summer inappropriateness.

But there’s a detail in here that I really like….

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Why would a lawyer think that being a lawyer would help him get into this place?

I get it, having to stand in line to get into a club is annoying. It’s emasculating. You feel if you were more famous or important or rich, you’d be let in right away. And usually you’re right. Standing in line for a club is like public confirmation that you are not that cool.

But let me tell you something, saying “I’m a lawyer” doesn’t make you cool. In fact, it creates a rebuttable presumption that you are an uncool d-bag who says things like “rebuttable presumption.” Certainly, flashing your little “lawyer badge” that you got from the prosecutor’s or attorney general’s office is not going to help you cut in line. You really think these bouncers want your judgmental and probably litigious ass up in their clubs?

Earlier this year, we had a Florida prosecutor you tried to use his badge to get into a strip club. Now we have another Floridan who thinks being a lawyer should get him ahead, but instead it just got him arrested…

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