Sports

I asked my fiancée if she wanted to see naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. “Sure.” So I showed her. “She looks good.” Then she scratched her nose and went back to planning our wedding. “What about Kate Upton?” “Sure.” So I showed her. “She’s got huge boobs.” Her nose still itched. The seating chart was still totally fudged up. Pretty uneventful Sunday night as those go.

Last weekend, the Internet exploded in a terrific tumescence over naked pictures of women. You probably heard. But now, after the hot action, and while the whole world smokes a post-coital cigarette, we are left to sort through the regret. Chief among this shame is news that one of the stars of the tawdry affair may have been underage when the pictures were taken. Mc-kay-la: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Mc. Kay. La.

ESPN, your trusted source for manufactured controversy, chose to report on this actual controversy in the most opaque manner possible.

Here’s how…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “How Not To Write About The Celebrity Hacking Thing”

Is the Supreme Court ready for its close-up?

* Most Americans want Supreme Court proceedings on video. Because C-SPAN is so popular. [Legal Times]

* It was bound to happen at some point. Eastern District of Louisiana Judge Martin Feldman, who you might remember from lifting the Gulf of Mexico drilling moratorium while holding thousands in oil drilling assets (which he sold the morning that he issued his decision), became the first judge since Windsor to uphold a ban on same-sex marriage as constitutional. [National Law Journal]

* Need white-collar representation? Milbank has Apps for that. Specifically, Antonia Apps, the federal prosecutor who took a leading role in the SAC Capital Advisors insider trading case, is decamping to Milbank. [Reuters]

* “What’s it like to be the lawyer for Mark Cuban or Jerry Jones? Depends if you’re winning.” I don’t know about that, Jerry Jones seems to be getting pretty used to accepting failure. [Dallas Business Journal]

* Gibson Dunn has left New York’s teacher tenure battle, leaving the job of gutting public education in the state to Kirkland & Ellis. [New York Law Journal]

* A professor carrying a concealed handgun shot himself in the foot. But remember the answer to school shootings is making sure all the teachers are armed. [TaxProf Blog]

* More Squire Patton Boggs defections: At least a dozen members of the IP group have bolted the newly-merged firm to open a D.C. office for Porzio, Bromberg & Newman. [Washington Post]

Steve Stipanovich guarding that co-pilot from Airplane.

“Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I’m Sicilian. My father was the world heavy-weight champion of Sicilian liars.” –Vincenzo Coccotti

Lying, of course, is that most human of traits. We all lie. It’s what separates us from the rest of these animals. My dog, for instance, would love to tell me that a gigantic rat broke into my apartment and pooped on my floor. But he can’t. Which is why he’s scurried under this ottoman and is currently avoiding eye contact with me.

This week, the world was entertained by a subset of that most human of traits. The lie told this week, however, was of a rarer breed, one borne of a toxic mix of hubris and imagination. This kind of lie, of the great big Costanzian variety, consists not only in covering a misdeed up, but in covering the liar in glory at the same time.

Josh Shaw committed that kind of lie this week. And in doing so, reminded the world that athletes are liars like all of us.

He also reminded the world of an athlete who shot himself almost 35 years ago…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Never Forget Steve Stipanovich”


Burger King bounty for Biglaw.

* Judge Posner dished out a whole lot of benchslaps at yesterday’s Seventh Circuit arguments over Indiana and Wisconsin’s bans on same-sex marriage. [BuzzFeed]

* Major U.S. and Canadian law firms chow down on Burger King’s whopper of a deal with Tim Hortons. [Am Law Daily]

* A recent Delaware court ruling on attorney-client privilege might allow in-house lawyers to speak more freely about wrongdoing at their companies, according to Professor Steven Davidoff Solomon. [DealBook / New York Times]

* The corruption trial of former Virginia governor continues; yesterday Bob McDonnell’s sister took the stand. [Washington Post]

* A favorable evidentiary ruling for Aaron Hernandez. [Fox Sports]

* And good news for Zephyr Teachout and Tim Wu, the two law professors running for governor and lieutenant governor of New York: the Times dissed their opponent, Andrew Cuomo, with a non-endorsement. [New York Times]

* I recently spoke with one of my cousins Joao Atienza of the Cebu Sun Star, about Above the Law and the world of legal blogging. [Cebu Sun Star]

* In this summer’s Biglaw lawsuitpalooza, real estate and conflicts took the lead as headliners. Poor Boies Schiller had double the trouble when it came to ethics complaints. Ouch. [Am Law Daily]

* New Jersey taxpayers owe Gibson Dunn & Crutcher about $6.5 million thanks to Governor Chris Christie’s Bridgegate scandal. Thanks for the pain in our pocketbooks, chief. [Daily Report (reg. req.)]

* “It’s been a minor inconvenience to us, but of course I don’t like somebody hijacking my name and using it to hurt someone else.” Two Florida law firms are investigating why someone sent out 42 anonymous state bar complaints against one firm using the other firm’s mailing address. [Orlando Sentinel]

* Charleston School of Law is starting a new academic year with even more confusion than it was in last year, considering that its InfiLaw buyout is in a state of flux. Maybe that’s a good thing. [Post and Courier]

* Three ex-Lingerie Football League players have filed class action suits against the club, alleging minimum wage law violations. Come on, pay these half-naked athletes a living wage. [National Law Journal]

* Robert Manfred Jr., formerly a partner of Morgan Lewis & Bockius, is now the commissioner of Major League Baseball, and he beat out another former Biglaw buddy from Kelley Drye & Warren to snag the job. [Am Law Daily]

* “My past is littered with the bones of men who were foolish enough to think I was someone they could sleep on.” Michele Roberts is the first lady to lead the NBAPU, and you don’t want to mess with her. [New York Times]

* In case you haven’t heard by now, Governor Rick Perry was indicted on Friday on felony charges of abusing his power in office. Aww, poor guy. Not for nothing, but we can’t wait to see his mug shot. [New York Times]

* Quinnipiac Law has a new building that cost $50 million, and it’s designed to hold between 400 and 500 students. With only 292 students currently enrolled, that’s a lot of wishful thinking. [New Haven Register]

* “This is a lawsuit against the lawyers for being lawyers, for doing what lawyers do.” It also seems to be a lawsuit that’s allegedly about sex, lies, illegal video tapes… and Waffle House. [Daily Report (reg. req.)]

“I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish, okay?” –Al Czervik

The reason all conjugations of the word “hate” (hater, hating, haterade, hatin’, Hatty McDaniel) took on such ubiquity in the past decade or so has to do with how much fun hating on other people actually is. It’s the best and it serves as a through line for all human activity that is even remotely pleasurable. Soap operas, reality television, professional wrestling, stamp collecting, the white power movement… all built on a sturdy foundation of hate.

And nowhere is this more apparent than in our nation’s two most popular diversions other than titty bars: business reporting and sports.

This week, a New York Times reporter decided to throw an obscene amount of shade on New York Islanders owner Charles Wang and his legal problems. In the process, he employed an ethnic slur, called Wang a coward, and told the audience that Silky’s mink is made out of 100 percent rat ass….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Haters Gonna Hate, Islanders Gonna Lose”

Did you say threesome, Dean?

“For sure. It’s the first time I’ve ever followed a court case. Because, I mean, it effects me personally, y’know?”

Scarlett was fiddling with a dildo the size of my arm when she explained to me how the industry felt about it.

“As far as I can tell, and I’m no lawyer, but as far as I can tell? This O’Bannon stuff means amateur pornography is over.”

The student-actress spoke into the webcam with a surprising confidence as she slowly gyrated her waifish body.

“Maybe I won’t make a ton of money. Won’t become rich like the stars do. But it sure would make getting through school easier. Which, I mean, all the producers say that’s what they’re trying to help me with. School.”

“And here’s another thing I think,” she said, her hands now doing something that could only be described as anything but professional.

“I believe in the ideal of amateurism. In the notion of ‘Hey, this is me and this is my real boyfriend and we aren’t getting paid for this.’ I believe in that. But I also could use a bit of money. To buy books. And food. Maybe more lube.” At this, the show stopped and she quickly covered up, suddenly demure and pitiful.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “The End Of Amateurism?”

Most everyone is talking about how the NCAA got crushed in the antitrust case headlined by former UCLA star Ed O’Bannon. Some have compared it to a top ranked team getting upset by a scrappy mid-major because sports analogies are obligatory when talking about sports cases. That analogy is not really apt. It’s more like the NCAA was a top ranked team that narrowly eked out that win. The mid-major team is rightfully pleased with its effort and the top team can breathe a sigh of relief.

But hanging ominously over the field is that the top team done got EXPOSED. And every team remaining on the schedule is psyched.

Judge Claudia Wilken’s 99-page opinion reads like a body blow to the NCAA — and then her order is a light knee scrape. But everyone else gunning for the NCAA has a lot to quote here….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Why The NCAA Didn’t Really Lose Yesterday”

* Donald Trump is suing to get his name removed from the Trump Plaza and Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City because his reputation is tarnished by tacky façades dedicated to giving off the mere illusion of success. [Bloomberg Businessweek]

* Beset by corruption allegations, Governor Cuomo is using funds out of his campaign war chest to fund his defense rather than squandering taxpayer dollars. Ball’s in your court neighboring state governor. [North County Public Radio]

* Beau Brindley, a benchslap legend, is now the subject of his very own federal criminal probe after allegedly encouraging a client to lie under oath. A tipster told us last year “this won’t be the last you hear of [Brindley].” How prophetic. [Chicago Sun-Times]

* The woman given a forced blow job simulation for the glory of a 7-inch Burger King burger is speaking out. [Copyranter]

* The Women’s World Cup is scheduled for next year in Canada, but a number of high-profile players are threatening — with the help of Boies, Schiller & Flexner and Canadian firm Osler, Hoskin & Harcourt — to sue FIFA for discrimination over its plan to subject the women’s tournament to artificial turf. Are you suggesting FIFA is a disastrously flawed organization? Get out. [Fox Sports]

* Guess what? Your insurance company isn’t made up of the worst people on the planet. Unless you use this insurance company. Because then, maybe it is. [Gawker]

* A Harvard Law grad wanted to install an intercom so he invented a system known as “Nucleus” that does the job for less than $200. [Technical.ly Philly]

* If you’re interested in the fun and exciting world of startups, head on out to Legal Tech SF’s Startup Weekend. It’s August 15-17 at Airbnb headquarters. I assume after August 17 the location reverts to the headquarters of some other company. [Legal Tech SF]

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