Sports

I showered maybe two times after gym class in middle school. And both times, I was wearing underwear. Looking back, I still don’t understand why the school couldn’t shell out just a few more ducats and construct private shower stalls. Why do schools choose to introduce communal showering right at the time that we are learning that our bodies are horrible monsters that we are rightfully ashamed of? I’m not sure I’ll ever know the answer to that question. At my middle school, there were two kids who stood sentry at the shower room entrance, judging the size of each kid’s equipment. Can you imagine, dear reader, the horror of that experience? Perhaps you can. And perhaps you can imagine why my Hanes remained safely affixed to my inguinal region as I scampered, eyes fixed on the cement floor, surely to meet my death. If I could just run under the sprinkler, I could retreat to my locker where someone somewhere surely had some of that spray deodorant. Christ almighty, friends. Why do we still embrace the communal shower? I WAS A CHILD!!!!!!!

This week, a lobbyist caught the vapors much like I had as a child. Only this lobbyist is an adult. Presumably. Because I still haven’t gotten over middle school and because I don’t want to write about anything else, let’s talk about one issue this week. Let’s talk football. Let’s talk gay paranoia.

Let’s talk communal showers…

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* Baseball is trying to ban home plate collisions, because why have any aspect of the sport be exciting? Here’s an exercise in statutory interpretation featuring the new rule. [PrawfsBlawg]

* Former judge forced to resign at age 40 under a gathering cloud of sexual harassment allegations now collects $65,000 a year in pension. And it looks like he may be claiming “sex addiction” as a disability. Bravo. [WDSU]

* Should legal writing professors be treated like nurses? [Dorf on Law]

* The world’s top Bitcoin exchange, Mt.Gox, just shut down, and millions of real dollars worth of fake money is missing. I’m excited to see the bevy of Libertarian Bitcoin fanatics who praise the decentralized “new Gold standard” and publicly trash its critics explain this one. [Valleywag]

* Are bar associations moving online? [Law Sites]

* Forget your cell phone, the feds have been spending millions to warrantlessly collect your very breath. [Jalopnik]

* Twitter account posting every frame of Top Gun lands user in the danger zone. [IT-Lex]

* Our own David Lat did some speculating about who the next Supreme Court justice might be. [Ozy]

* That hope that the government would deport Justin Bieber? Here’s why that just isn’t legally going to happen. Video after the jump… [Bloomberg Law]

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If you outlaw guns, then violent, blind, drunks wouldn’t have guns… actually that sounds like a pretty good idea.

* Judge orders guns returned to blind guy. David Sedaris has a great routine where he talks about the few stupid jurisdictions that let the blind participate in gunplay. Well consider Florida stupider: this is a blind guy who previously shot 15 times at his cousin while drunk and has since killed his friend — not only while drunk, but after a “10 a.m. beer run” — and he’s getting his guns back. [Raw Story]

* An intrepid, but hopelessly clueless jailhouse lawyer is taking it upon himself to free Gucci Mane. Fight on, you hero! [Global Grind]

* Area Man Coasting By On Good Looks, Work Ethic, In-Depth Knowledge Of Virginia Real Estate Law. [The Onion]

* It seems Ray Rice took out all the aggression he feels over having Joe Flacco as a quarterback by allegedly knocking his fiancée unconscious. By “allegedly,” I mean, “I’m not saying, but it was in an Atlantic City casino and videotapes show it from every angle.” Anyway, here’s a good primer on the differences between assault, simple assault, and aggravated assault in the state of New Jersey. [The Legal Blitz]

* Speaking of Rutgers players, the merger between Rutgers-Camden and Rutgers-Newark into Rutgers-Both Law School is on track for 2015. [Philadelphia Inquirer]

* So it’s a great time to go to law school! If you thought 2007 was a great time to go to law school that is. [Gawker]

* Here’s an innovative way to fight illegal music downloads: the band Gridlink is running a contest encouraging users to upload bogus versions of their songs to gum up the works in exchange for a free, official copy of the latest album. [Handshake Inc.]

* The lawyer who may topple Chris Christie is a defense lawyer who stymied the rotund Republican during his tenure as U.S. Attorney. That must be sweet. [Newark Star-Ledger]

* Passionate about public-interest law? Here’s your chance to win a paid one-year fellowship with Save the Children. (Our very own David Lat is one of the contest judges.) [BARBRI]

* The University of Pennsylvania Law School Entertainment and Sports Law Society is hosting the Penn Law Sports Law Symposium presented by the Heisman Trust this Friday, February 28th from 9:30am-6:00pm at the Law School in Philadelphia. Jim Delaney will be there to talk about how the Big Ten would go bankrupt if one cent of their billions in revenue were diverted. Tickets at the link. [ESLS]

* The Ed O’Bannon suit against the NCAA will proceed to trial in June barring settlement. Football writer/genius Spencer Hall put it best when he described the hearing as “a judge looks at amateurism and says ‘this is bulls**t’ in legalese.” [Sports Illustrated]

* McCutcheon will usher in even more campaign finance excess, but could alleviate gridlock. Plutocracies are efficient! [Election Law Blog]

* Hold the phone! Coerced confessions aren’t admissible? Next thing you’ll tell us is waterboarding is illegal. Thanks Obama. [New York Law Journal]

* Juror who couldn’t stop using Facebook didn’t cause a mistrial because he didn’t post any details about the case. In other news, he really needs a goat in FarmVille you guys, so if anyone can hook him up, that’d be great. (Alternative heading for this one: “11 Angry Men, 1 ‘Likes This’”) [IT-Lex]

* Disbarred lawyer mistakenly allowed to serve as a judge. But only for about 16 years, so it’s all cool. [Washington City Paper]

* “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the [Baby Boomer] lawyers.” [Law and More]

* A California lawsuit argues that pro-teacher policies in the state are hurting education. The defendants point to the fact that California’s educational administration and funding in the state is best described as a “sh*tshow.” Experts are fighting it out with some novel metrics. [The Expert Institute]

* * Elie talks about the new ad for cameras in the Supreme Court and the EPA’s power to regulate greenhouse gases on Legalese It! with Mike Sacks. Video embedded below… [Huffington Post Live]

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The International Olympics Committee has this “branding” thing down cold. (No pun intended. The IOC is just as obnoxious during the Summer Olympics.) Everything that doesn’t belong to an Official Sponsor has its logo covered (including bathroom fixtures!) until the multi-ring circus of sports (and quasi-sports) folds up the last multimillion dollar tent and blows town.

The IOC is the ultimate control freak. This maniacal desire to cleanse the Games of anything not directly related to its corporate sponsors often results in the sort of behavior you’d normally associate with severe misanthropy. Hobbyist knitters get slapped with C&Ds. A 30-year-old restaurant is forced to change its nameA prominent news outlet has to build its own internal Starbucks in order to escape drinking nothing but the Official Coffee of the Olympics, which is crafted each day to the searing hot specifications of hallowed coffee mecca… McDonalds.

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(c) Image by Juri H. Chinchilla.

With the snow melting in Sochi, “On Remand” looks back to one of the greatest moments in Olympic history. Tomorrow is the 34th anniversary of the “Miracle on Ice.”

In February 1980, the XIII Olympic Winter Games were underway in Lake Placid, New York. But a little-known group of hockey players had been practicing together for months, skating themselves to exhaustion learning coach Herb Brooks’s new, fast, and grueling style of play. Most of the players on Team USA were barely old enough to order a beer, and hardly any had played hockey professionally. In a few months, several would be playing in the NHL. But on February 22, they were underdogs against a Soviet team that had won the gold in every Olympic contest since 1956 — except for 1960, when the Americans stood atop the podium. A week before the 1980 games started, the Soviets had trounced the Americans, 10-3, in an exhibition game.

“Unless the ice melts” or some team “performs a miracle,” a sports writer quipped, the Soviets would win the gold medal again in 1980. And, for most of the U.S.S.R. versus U.S. game, that prediction appeared accurate. But with 10 minutes left in the game, Mike Eruzione, Team USA’s captain, scored a goal from thirty feet, putting the Americans up 4-3. They never relinquished the lead. As the clock ran out, ABC broadcaster Al Michaels delivered his now iconic play-by-play

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Jennifer Jones

* A source says the casualties at Kasowitz were a matter of “managing the pipeline” after work involving the credit crisis dried up. Don’t worry, he says the firm’s still really busy. Aww, someone will believe you. [New York Law Journal]

* Sorry, folks, but if you want to work in Biglaw, taking classes during law school like “Law and Unicorns” isn’t going to cut it. Try to stick to the boring stuff, and you probably won’t get dinged as often. [Volokh Conspiracy / Washington Post]

* Oregon’s AG is refusing to defend the state’s ban on same-sex marriage because it “cannot withstand a federal constitutional challenge under any standard of review.” That’s just fabulous, darling. [Bloomberg]

* Career alternatives for attorneys: Olympic gold medalist. Jennifer Jones, in-house counsel at National Bank Financial, helped Canada’s curling team take the win this week in Sochi. You go, girl! [The Star]

* Say hi to this century’s Stella Liebeck. A woman is suing Dunkin’ Donuts after suffering second and third degree burns to her crotchal region after spilling her hot apple cider. [New Jersey Law Journal (reg. req.)]

* Kentucky joins all those other liberal bastions in recognizing gay marriages. [The Courier-Journal (Louisville)]

* Brilliant… especially the last line. [The Onion]

* Legal luminaries at last night’s White House State Dinner included Justice Elena Kagan, Secretary Jeh Johnson, and ATL’s reigning Lawyer of the Year, Roberta Kaplan. [White House]

* An EMT-trained judge came to the rescue of a criminal defendant critically injured in a car accident. She was assisted by several other criminal defendants due to appear before her that day. When they finally made it to court, she sentenced him to death row. Just kidding, but admit it, that would have been the better ending. [Albuquerque Journal]

* A tipster asks if this guy is the most embarrassing HLS grad. Isn’t Ted Cruz still around? [Associated Press via ABC15]

* Judge Victor Marerro is none too pleased to have to do this whole MF Global case. [Dealbreaker]

* The winter weather in Minnesota is continuing to make lawyers crazy. This time the bug allegedly bit Frank Schulte, who is accused of freaking out at the “mere sight of a car parked too far from the curb for his liking,” battering the car, punching the driver, and hurling racial epithets. Just as warm and fuzzy as the Mary Tyler Moore show made it seem. [CityPages]

* What courts could learn from AA meetings. [Law and More]

* A few events coming up for sports law fans in New York. This Friday, Fordham is hosting its 18th Annual Sports Law Symposium covering issues from the Redskins to Jay-Z. Then a week later, New York Law School is hosting an event on doping, the NCAA, and getting into the sports business on February 21. [Sports Agent Blog]


Richie Incognito, the Miami Dolphins football player under scrutiny after allegedly bullying teammate Jonathan Martin, in an annoyed tweet directed towards Ted Wells, a partner at Paul Weiss who was appointed by the NFL to lead the investigation as to workplace misconduct. The firm says Wells’s report won’t be ready “for another week or two.”

George Zimmerman and DMX

DMX has promised to “beat [George Zimmerman's] ass,” but no contract or paperwork has been signed or agreed to yet.

Domenick Nati, a spokesperson for DMX, commenting on the upcoming “celebrity” boxing match scheduled to occur this March between the ex-neighborhood watchman and the washed-up rapper.

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