Next time you hear a cell phone go off in a movie or at the theater, and think to yourself, “What an a**hole!”, remind yourself: Someday YOU might be that a**hole.

Watch this video, from the start of the Harlan Fiske Stone Moot Court finals, which we attended at Columbia Law School earlier this week. Pay special attention to what happens around the 18-second mark:

Yes, that’s right. The judges entered the room, their robes billowing out behind them. The court crier made the very formal and grandiose announcement: “Oyez, oyez…” The room fell into a solemn silence. And then, at that precise moment, our computer — which was in the process of turning on — made that annoying Windows start-up noise. Loudly.

One could feel a wave of horrified embarrassment sweep through the audience. Justice Alito chuckled, so hopefully he wasn’t too offended. But we were mortified (and rightfully so).

In our defense, this was a complete accident. We were in the process of setting up and turning on our computer, and we didn’t know when exactly the judges would be arriving. We turned our computer on, and it began the start-up process (which can take a little while). Unfortunately, just seconds after we turned it on, the judges made their entrance. And even more unfortunately, as the silence settled over the room, our computer made that colossally loud cyber-fart.

In any event, our apologies, Your Honors! Please do not blame the CLS audience for this rudeness. It was completely our fault.

We took some rough notes on the proceedings. They will probably interest you only if you attended the Moot Court finals yourselves. Or if you care about the hairstyles of Article III judges.

If you want to see our commentary, it’s available after the jump.

Yesterday afternoon, we attended the Harlan Fiske Stone Moot Court finals, at Columbia Law School. We interviewed the four finalists prior to the arguments.

Here’s our interview with Eric Chesin and Geoffrey Reed:

And here’s our interview with David Gringer and Patrick Somers:

After impressive arguments, and deliberation by the distinguished panel — Justice Samuel A. Alito, Judge Susan P. Graber, Judge Brett M. Kavanaugh, and Judge Sonia Sotomayor — the best oralist prize went to Eric Chesin. Congratulations, Eric!

We got to chat at the O’Scannlain law clerk reunion with Judge Susan Graber (9th Cir.), whose chambers are located just downstairs from Judge O’Scannlain’s. We bantered with her about the antique piano she keeps in her chambers (and which she allows the law clerks to play). It was a thrilling encounter!

But when we wanted to take a photo with Judge Graber, she had vanished. So you’ll have to settle for this picture of the door to her chambers. Sorry!

As you well know, here at ATL we have a weakness for the dramatic, the outsized, and the flamboyant. As a result, we tend to gravitate toward judges who are colorful characters, ideological warriors, or both. On the Ninth Circuit, for example, we find ourselves fascinated by figures such as Judge Alex Kozinski, on the right, and Judge Stephen Reinhardt, on the left. (And, of course, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.)

But we have a confession to make: throughout out clerkship, we had the hugest crush on Ninth Circuit Judge Susan Graber.*

At right: Judge Graber enjoys a slice of celebratory cake with two Ninth Circuit colleagues, Judge J. Clifford Wallace (left) and Judge Richard Clifton (center).

Judge Graber isn’t sexy in the “blonde bombshell” manner of, say, Judge Kim McLane Wardlaw (with whom we were also obsessed, for different reasons). While warm and friendly, Judge Graber doesn’t qualify as a colorful character (like, say, Judge Kozinski). Instead, she exudes a restrained, matronly dignity, perhaps cultivated during her long years on the Oregon Supreme Court.

So why did we find Judge Graber so darn sexy? Precisely because of her total indifference to sexy. Remember that MTV cartoon character Daria? Judge Graber is sexy in a “Daria” kind of way.

Judge Graber didn’t care about being “sexy,” and she didn’t focus on the “sexy” cases. Based on what we observed, “SPG” didn’t seem to care about serving any particular ideology, conservative or liberal. Nor did she seem to care about what people thought of her, or what the media wrote about her. She just “did her thing,” calling each case as she saw it, typically with moderate results.

Furthermore, Judge Graber’s unflagging dedication to the most boring areas of law imaginable made her strangely attractive to us. While Judge Graber’s colleagues sparred over hot-button issues like affirmative action and separation of church and state, she buried herself in the technocratic interstices of our nation’s most obscure laws. She would write learned opinions and lengthy en banc memos about statutes you didn’t even know existed.

With apologies to Justin Timberlake, Judge Graber is “bringing sexy back” — back to statutory backwaters like the Ports and Waterways Safety Act of 1972, the Employee Retirement Income Security Act of 1974 (aka ERISA), and the Oil Pollution Act of 1990. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. Go Judge Graber!!!

Random aside: We hear that the sexy Judge Graber has some pretty sexy law clerks (whom we unfortunately did not meet while in Portland). Is this true? If so, can someone send us pictures, so we can put them on file for our future Law Clerk Hotties contest?

* While our former boss, Judge O’Scannlain, is a distinguished judge, a great mentor to his clerks, and a very handsome man (like Paul Newman) — as well as a true friend to us during good times and bad — we can’t say we’ve ever had a “crush” on him. That would be like having a crush on our father or uncle. GROSS!!!

Susan P. Graber bio [FJC]
Susan Graber profile [Law.com]