Children

The kids here only look this happy because there are strippers off camera.

A mom reportedly hired strippers to show up at her 16-year-old’s birthday party, and she’s being charged with a crime. This is why we can’t have nice things. Shouldn’t kids learn how to objectify women in a controlled and safe environment with adult supervision, or do you really want them learning that stuff out on the street from Hannah Montana?

New York mom Judy H. Viger allegedly hired strippers to perform at the bowling alley where her son was having his party. The strippers allegedly performed lap dances. Viger was charged with child endangerment; her lawyer claims that she will cop to a plea. Child endangerment!

Like “I’m going to beat you with this switch” endangerment, only instead of a switch the kids got hit with fake stripper boobs….

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Anti-abortion forces are winning. State by state, legislature by legislature, attempts to take away a woman’s right to control her own body have been wildly successful. At this point, only Oregon has no restriction on abortion rights. And liberals are afraid to challenge these laws at the Supreme Court because people like Antonin Scalia don’t even think women should be allowed to curse, much less control their own reproductive rights.

I know it’s futile to ask people who think that their religious beliefs should trump other people’s physical autonomy to engage in dispassionate logic. Otherwise they’d be making anti-abortion pills… sorry, I mean “birth control pills” free and readily available. But can’t they at least think through their anti-choice laws before they impose them on secular society?

For instance, a recent Nebraska abortion restriction forces minors to get the consent of a parent or guardian before getting an abortion. But what about people who don’t have a parent or a guardian? Can you believe that they literally didn’t think of that? And the state supreme court just stepped in to say that even though they have no clue how to deal with this situation, it’s totally okay…

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I got a raise when I had my baby, which was a very nice gesture from the Breaking Media CEO. It was also the only way I could keep working here. You see, child care costs are such in this city that before my raise I would have saved money by quitting my job and taking care of the baby full time, instead of having to pay somebody to look after him while I’m at work. Now, I’m a little bit past the break-even point, so I take what they pay me, give it to my creditors and my child’s nanny (we can only afford to have her for 30 hours a week, but I’ve gotten much better at typing with one hand, as I’m doing right now), and have a little bit left over to buy liquor and ad-free porn (err… typing practice). My wife’s salary handles all the rest — trivial items such as “rent” and “food.”

So yeah, I pretty much write every day just because I love spending time with you guys [weeping softly].

It turns out, I’m not alone. An article in the New York Times details the child-care squeeze on middle-class families. We’re not talking about “working poor” families who have always struggled with child care costs while Republicans berate them for not pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. The article focuses on mothers with good jobs, professors and lawyers, who can’t really afford to pay someone to take care of their brood.

I suppose it’s not really a “Biglaw” problem. If you have one of those jobs, you can probably afford child care, or (more likely) afford for your spouse not to work. But if you don’t cash in with Biglaw, you’d probably settle for having your kids raised by wolves if the wolves came cheap….

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If there’s one thing I’m going to defend, it’s the right of American children to go out and die or injure themselves in whatever way seems best to them. Whether we’re talking about alcoholic energy drinks, or dangerous playground equipment, I’m not a fan of trying to legislate away childhood behavior. You shouldn’t sell kids a bag of glass, but we have fairly robust tort and consumer protection laws to weed that kind of stuff out.

Certainly, at the point when a child — or God forbid an adult — comes upon a giant roller coaster that does loops at 90 mph and says, “Oh, yeah, that looks perfectly safe,” I’m not sure what kind of “regulation” we’re supposed to be going for. If it crashes, you’ve got a tort action. If it doesn’t, you can thank whatever God you pray to and maybe next time take your ass to the bumper cars.

That stance puts me on the opposite of the newly elected junior Senator from Massachusetts, Ed Markey…

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Karl Rominger

In the hours before Jerry Sandusky’s sentencing on Tuesday, one of his attorneys, Karl Rominger, was giving new meaning to the phrase, “Don’t sweat the small, medium, or large stuff.”

Was Rominger reviewing notes? Meditating? Naaah. He was out drinking with Penn State students! Specifically, he was on the prowl for some ladies.

A couple reporters from school publications were there to catch the action and some choice soundbites from Sandusky’s lawyer. Oh, and of course there are photos.

Giggedy… giggedy?

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Last night, on the eve of his sentencing hearing, Jerry Sandusky, Penn State’s former assistant football coach, released an audio recording from jail, and in it he continued to proclaim his innocence. This morning, it was up to the trial judge, Judge John Cleland, to dole out punishment for the man who had been found guilty on 45 of the 48 counts of child sex abuse against him.

So what did the judge decide? Let’s find out….

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Item that zero percent of babies needed for roughly the first 3,000 years of civilization.

Last month, I found myself in a store named “Buy Buy Baby.” That’s not a typo. There’s really a store whose very name encourages rampant consumerism for babies before they can even start forming memories.

Walking around the store, one wondered how human babies survived and thrived for 200,000 years without the $200 Rodeo Child Bike Carrier Seat, or the $650 Baby Jogger Switchback Hybrid Bike.

Needless to say, I was not impressed. At one point, I threatened to buy my baby a wheelbarrow and some duct tape to avoid the stroller hijacking. When that joke didn’t magically make the prices go down, I asked one of the sales clerks what “poor” people do when they have children.

The clerk didn’t miss beat, and said, “You don’t want your baby to feel poor, do you?”

Of course, there is a real answer to the question “what do poor people do.” They go on Craigslist and buy used baby stuff! Because nothing says “broke” like going online and buying crap for your baby that some other baby has already peed and vomited on.

But when you are on Craigslist, buyer beware. And the seller should beware too, because people who buy things on Craigslist might be idiots. That’s something that a local judge in Massachusetts is learning….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Misdemeanor Offense of the Day: Judicial Cribs. Like, Baby Cribs, Not Lawyerly Lairs.”

I really, really hate being the one to defend stupid teenagers who get expelled from school. The ones who are kicked out for cursing online or for other forms of bullying.

Because I was a teenager once — not even that long ago — and I still clearly remember what it feels like to be on the receiving end of horrid teenage evilness. But somehow, I can’t help myself.

So here you go. Keep reading to see why the ACLU is doing the right thing by defending three eighth-grade girls who were expelled for talking about killing people on Facebook

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There may be a case, which is for a court of law to decide, but that’s a made-up number.

Kate O’Brien Ahlers, a spokesperson for the New York City Law Department, commenting on the $900 trillion lawsuit filed against the city by Fausat Ogunbayo, a mother whose children were placed in foster care in June 2008.

Paisley Dickey (left) and Pretty Woman (right)

You don’t have to watch much reality television to understand that these days, many cable networks are trying to capitalize on the drama caused by little girls and their overbearing stage mothers. Take, for example, TLC’s Toddlers & Tiaras, a show that that gives viewers an inside look at the often controversial world of children’s beauty pageants. Apparently the resultant mother and daughter tantrums were just too good to keep off the airwaves.

But in late 2011, viewers expressed outrage over the pageant industry’s tendency to sexualize children. After all, with mothers dressing their daughters like surgically-enhanced country singers, fake breasts and all, or hookers with hearts of gold, how could viewers be anything but horrified? In all honesty, some of these little girls — the ones who don’t aspire to be tax lawyers, at least — look like complete prosti-tots (see above).

This backdrop brings us to today’s Lawsuit of the Day, where the mother of one of these tiara-toting toddlers alleges that a well-known celebrity gossip site had a hand in scandalizing her daughter….

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