Craigslist

Have we got an opportunity for you!

Are you a “recent law school grad” trying to find a gig more exciting than reviewing documents? Are you the adventurous sort willing to take a risk, pick up and move across the world, on the risk of a big score?

This new job listing promises just such a big score if you’re willing to move to Ukraine for an undefined period. It can’t be any worse than a warehouse of contract attorneys. What task could possibly require a green American lawyer in Ukraine?

And just how dangerous must this job be if it’s a “multi-million dollar opportunity” for the lawyer?

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The job market for new attorneys is bad, but you already know that. People are struggling to find any paying legal work of any kind, even as they hope that one day the investment they’ve made in law school will pay off. And you already know that.

Employers know that. Employers know that you are desperate and sad, and they’re happy to take advantage of that. But there’s an employer posting on Craigslist who wants to hire you, even though they know you’re going to spend a lot of your time there crying in your office.

I mean “cubicle”….

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I think this is a hoax. Or maybe I just hope this is a hoax. Maybe I need to believe that there aren’t real law students out there posting on Craigslist looking for girls who want to have sex with them, quickly, in the time between one class and another.

I also instinctively believe that Craigslist posts from law students who reference the length of circumference of their penises aren’t real. Basically, Brian Zulberti is a goddamn unicorn to me. I don’t believe he exists.

Of course, I could be wrong…

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During an appearance on Inside the Actor’s Studio, Tom Hanks was asked what profession he would not like to try. His answer: “A lawyer. That’s doing homework for a living.” I still think that’s the most accurate one-sentence description of the practice of law. Being a lawyer isn’t about soaring rhetoric or intellectual polemics. It’s about organization and attention to detail. It’s about paperwork, really high-level paperwork and research.

If you don’t like doing homework, you’re not going to like going to law school or practicing law. Certainly, if you don’t like doing your own paperwork, you’re going to hate doing it for somebody else. So when tipsters alerted us to this guy from Craigslist who is trying to hire someone to help him with the boring paperwork of applying to law school, I just wonder which episode of Suits made him think that he’d make a good lawyer….

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Danger, Biglaw Associates!

Contractors have been there before — an unnecessarily angry associate screaming at a room of temps muttering about when they were first-year associates. So what has got their panties in a bunch? Well, like most curmudgeons, it is change. The legal landscape is rapidly shifting, and one has to move with the tide or be swept away.

We frequently throw the term “Contract Attorney” around in this column, but there are a wide variety of tasks that are now considered contract work. As the tasks change, contractors encroach more and more on work traditionally thought of as an associate’s domain.

So what are the most typical contractor tasks, and how are they affecting the associates’ way of life?

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Remember Ecce Homo?

* Apple gave the iPhone 5 fingerprint database to the NSA. This would be a gross invasion of privacy but Tim Cook masterminded this, so the NSA got the Ecce Homo of fingerprint image captures. [Hackers News Bulletin]

* Charlie Sheen got dismissed from jury duty after only one day. #winning [TMZ]

* Gordon from Sesame Street lost his palimony case. That’s because he was trying to duck out on the woman who mothered his “1… 2… 3… 4 kids! [thunderclap] Ah… ah… ah!” [Jezebel]

* Remember the early days of Twitter? Legal Cheek went back and found some of the earliest Tweets from British legal luminaries. It’s just funnier when you imagine an English accent saying, “I appear to be on Twitter… why, I have no idea.” [Legal Cheek]

* If you saw last week’s post on crazy people who claim that no court can try them because of maritime law, check out this epic opinion from Canada. Identifying those folks, like the maritime gang from last week, as Organized Pseudolegal Commercial Argument (“OPCA”) litigants, the opinion is 180 pages seeking “to uncover, expose, collate, and publish the tactics employed by the OPCA community.” [Alberta Courts]

* Police crack down on a motorized bar stool. That’s fair, because if there’s one motor vehicle that you’re likely to fall off… [Lowering the Bar]

* Professor Ilya Somin is touring the country and coming to a law school near you promoting his new book Democracy and Political Ignorance: Why Smaller Government Is Smarter (affiliate link). Small government does usually smart, as in “cause a sharp, stinging pain.” [The Volokh Conspiracy]

* An HLS grad working for the World Bank was rescued from the Kenyan mall hostage crisis. We wish her the best. [Daily Mail]

* Senator Elizabeth Warren and Professor Lawrence Lessig are going to be speaking at an event called “The Founders v. The Roberts Court: Corruption, Campaign Finance, and McCutcheon v. FEC” tomorrow at noon Eastern. The event will be livestreamed at the link. [Constitutional Accountability Center]

* Craigslist is suing Craigstruck, a company that specializes in delivering items ordered off of Craigslist. It’s how all those $5/hour attorneys get from place to place. Anyway, the owner of Craigstruck proposed to settle the legal dispute via football wager with Craigslist. If only all disputes could be settled this way. Video wager after the jump…

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I think it says everything about the sad situation for contract attorneys that their attempts to “unionize” take the form of angry rants on Craigslist.

I mean, I guess it makes a certain kind of sense for contractors to put their demands on Craigslist. That’s where other contract attorneys are looking for work. That’s where employers are submitting ads and trying to gauge the market rate for this kind of thing. If an employer comes across a Craigslist post urging contract attorneys not to accept work for less than $30 an hour, maybe that employer is more likely to offer $30 an hour?

OR… the employer will call in the other partners in the office to look at the Craigslist demands, chortle, offer $15 an hour, and watch as contract attorneys learn important lessons about supply, demand, and the collective action problem…

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* How low can the legal market go? Manhattan firm lists full-time associate opening for $10/hr. “NY to 10.” (Screenshot here if the ad is removed). [Craigslist]

* Iowa is giving out gun permits to the blind. Sadly this is not a new phenomenon as David Sedaris explained years ago. [FindLaw]

* Business Insider has fired its CTO because… he’s a jerk. An important lesson in what free speech does and doesn’t mean. [Popehat]

* A UNC professor pulled over for a DWI has sparked a Fourth Amendment battle because she was arrested by a fire truck. [Fox News]

* Banks facing SEC enforcement actions are basically just spinning a roulette wheel and praying it doesn’t land on “Rakoff.” [Ramblings on Appeal]

* On a related note, Senator Elizabeth Warren spoke at the AFL-CIO conference and discussed the corporate capture of the federal courts (at 1:23:45 after the jump)…

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Here at Above the Law, we like to keep you informed of new and exciting opportunities for lawyers to get work. According to law deans, all you need is some practical training and a little gumption to take advantage of your super-valuable law degree, and we like to point you in the right direction.

Like Craigslist. Because nothing says three years of post-graduate education like fishing through Craigslist ads searching for employment.

Today, we’ve got a really good job for a part-time criminal and civil litigator. All you need is 30 years of legal experience under your belt…

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* The Department of Justice won’t be harshing anyone’s mellow in Washington and Colorado just yet, because Eric Holder has more important things to do than to get involved in people’s pot. [CNN]

* The IRS will now treat all legal gay marriages the same as straight marriages for tax purposes, no matter where the couples live. That’s absolutely fabulous! [Federal Eye / Washington Post]

* Howrey going to deal with all of Allan Diamond’s unfinished business claims made as trustee on behalf of this failed firm? By claiming as a united front that “[c]lients are not property,” even if we secretly think they are. [Am Law Daily]

* In this wonderful post-Windsor world, the parents of a deceased Cozen O’Connor attorney are appealing a judge’s ruling as to the dispensation of their daughter’s death benefits to her wife. [Legal Intelligencer]

* Reduce, re-use, and recycle: environmentally friendly words used to reduce a Biglaw firm’s carbon footprint, not the number of its lawyers. Say hello to the Law Firm Sustainability Network. [Daily Report]

* Disability rights groups are coming forward to defend California’s LSAT anti-flagging law because the amount of extra testing time you receive should be between you and your doctor. [National Law Journal]

* If you thought Charleston School of Law was going to be sold to the InfiLaw System, then think again. The law school is up for grabs on Craigslist. Alas, the “[s]tudent body has been used.” [Red Alert Politics]

If you’re interested in purchasing Charleston School of Law, keep reading to see the ad (click to enlarge)…

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