Exercise

Everyone likes to think that real lawyers are as glamorous, thin, and gorgeous as the ones they see on television, but that’s sadly not the case. Sure, some lawyers in the real world are beautiful, but the key word there is some. The truth is that most are just average in the looks department, and as we learned in Clueless, many, many more are like full-on Monets — from far away, they’re okay, but up close, they’re a big old mess. Oh, and most of them are overweight.

And just like that, “Fat Week” continues on Above the Law…

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Ryan Steinman

The handsome fellow at right is named Ryan Steinman. He used to be an associate at a leading law firm, but now he’s a professional BikeDude™.

Steinman traded securities law for cycling. He’s an instructor at SoulCycle, which is one of the hottest fitness crazes in the entire country.

Let’s learn more about Ryan’s professional journey — and, while we’re at it, check out a shirtless photo showcasing his ridiculously good body….

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How many push-ups can RBG do? Probably more than you can.

How do federal judges maintain taut abs and tight buns underneath their robes? They all have their own special methods.

For some, it’s about diet. Chief Judge Alex Kozinski, for example, has a four-word diet: “Few carbs, less sugar.”

Other judges believe in aerobic exercise. The ranks of runners include retired Justice David H. Souter, whose exercise regimen turned him into a judicial hottie (“Certiorari is GRANTED to that hot, lean body!”); Judge J. Harvie Wilkinson (4th Cir.), whose failure to cross train got critcized by President Bush during a Supreme Court interview; Judge Denny Chin (2d Cir.), a veteran marathoner; and Judge Diarmuid O’Scannlain (9th Cir.), my former boss.

But maybe running is for wimps? For the women of One First Street, weight training is the order of the day. Let’s meet the personal trainer helping two of the justices get HUGE….

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Many of our readers are busy Biglaw attorneys, and almost as a rite of passage, many of them have come home from work late at night, showered and gotten completely dressed and ready for the next day, and slept in their clothes for a few hours, if only because they knew they wouldn’t have the time or energy to complete their morning routines before returning to the office.

If this sounds like an enjoyable lifestyle, then more power to you. For others, a more relaxing life beckons each and every day, but only some are brave enough to heed its call. When the art of relaxation summoned this corporate lawyer, she listened, and managed to turn it into a successful business opportunity as the founder of Higher Ground Yoga.

If you’re in search of some zen, this stealth lawyer may be able to assist you….

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Zumba: it’s orgasmic! (Allegedly.)

Although I enjoy the occasional aerobics class, I’ve not yet succumbed to Zumba. My colleague Staci, however, is a fan. She describes it as “the latest dance fitness craze,” as well as “the only dance class where people show up wearing makeup and fashionable workout gear.”

Alas, police in a small Maine town allege that some men should have worn more clothing to the local Zumba studio. The Kennebunk police department has accused Alexis Wright, a 29-year-old Zumba instructor, with running a prostitution ring out of her exercise studio. They claim that she had more than 100 clients and that her illicit sex business generated $150,000 over 18 months.

Let’s have a look at the alleged “Zumba prostitute” — who is, not surprisingly, rather attractive — and learn more about the allegations against her. There are a number of legal angles to this story….

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This is as close as I came to hiking up that mountain.

If somebody suggested I go on a hike for fun, I’d probably punch him in the face. Since when is walking fun? To me, calling a hike a summer associate “event” is like calling the Bataan Death March a hike.

Obviously, I don’t work at Quinn Emanuel. Quinn has been running a hiking event for summer associates for years, and it’s one of the most popular events in all of Biglaw.

It’s unique. People have a good time — well, maybe not everyone, but most people.

And if somebody needs to be helicoptered out, well, that just strengthens the bonding experience for the survivors….

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Ed. note: This is the latest column by our newest writer, Anonymous Partner. In case you missed his prior posts, they are collected here.

We all know how difficult to stay at a healthy weight while living the Biglaw lifestyle. Too many hours sitting down, with desk drawers nicely stocked for a quick bite in between phone calls. Sitting inside office buildings all day, with easy access to vending machines stocked with soda and junk food. Carb-heavy breakfasts for client meetings and lateral interview sessions. Food orgies masquerading as CLE sessions and firm meetings. Business development lunches and dinners at fancy restaurants with comprehensive wine and scotch lists. Seamless Web. Two cities, three depositions, one week — equaling plane snacks, room service, and more restaurants. Year in, year out, for a decade or two or three. No wonder your typical Biglaw partner has seen better days waistline-wise.

I know firsthand that it is not easy to drop those Biglaw pounds. But the effort is worth it. In my case, it took some real discipline to arrest what threatened to be a constant addition of one or two pounds a year. I was getting chunky, and as I noted in my first column, I only saw extremes in my older colleagues. I am not a runner, and while working out at home added on some muscle, there was no way I was going to see real results without changing my eating (and drinking) habits.

Everyone has their favorite weight loss tips. Here’s what has worked for me, in terms of keeping the extra pounds away….

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(Or: Avoiding excessive PPP — poundage per partner.)

This scale might not be just, but it's usually truthful.

Recently, I decided I wanted to lose some weight. Not a lot of weight — that would require an entire lifestyle change and result in me eating a lawn or a salad or something. I just wanted to take off the weight I gained from quitting smoking. I asked erstwhile advice columnist Marin what to do, and she simply suggested that I stop drinking soft drinks. I probably go through five Cokes a workday, and that doesn’t include however much I pour into my rum at night. And I don’t drink Diet Coke because it doesn’t taste like Coke so much as it tastes like carbonated liquid s**t.

I ignored Marin and went online. There I found a true cacophony of the dumbest advice ever collected. Searching for porn on the internet results in a more grounded reality than searching for weight loss advice. From magic pills to magic frozen foods and magic workout tapes that can allegedly turn you into an elite kickboxer on steroids in 20 minutes a day, the internet is replete with products that do not work and faulty advice. If I had some venture capital, I’d design an app that comes out of the computer screen and smacks the food out of your mouth every time you search for “weight loss” on Google. It would work.

Not surprisingly, weight loss advice tailored for “professionals” or “lawyers” is equally dumb and unhelpful. Lawyers, especially Biglaw lawyers, have some unique challenges when battling to stay physically respectable. One of those challenges is being too smart for stupid weight loss tips….

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Erica Rose

Remember Erica Rose? You may be wondering what has happened to this reality TV law school hottie since we last wrote about her endeavors on VH1′s “You’re Cut Off.” Back then, Ms. Rose, a former Bachelor contestant and a delicious debutante from Texas, struggled to survive without her father’s trust fund to guide her through life.

But don’t judge this book by its cover, because she has very high aspirations — she wants to become the next Nancy Grace or the future Judge Judy. And, of course, she thinks that she’ll be able to rise to the occasion in no time flat. Why? Because she’s “prettier than they are.” Beauty Plastic surgery from daddy certainly has its perks.

Since graduating from the University of Houston Law Center in 2011, Erica’s been working it out mentally and physically. “Dr. Phil” has endorsed her career as an Entertainment Legal expert, and she plans to take the Texas and California bar exams.

Unfortunately, as we all know, it’s hard out there for a recent law school graduate. Hey, if you can’t get a job, make one for yourself. And like Kanye West, Erica wants to help you get right for the summer with her Stiletto Bikini Blast Workout DVD. “Because who wants to wear a bikini without stilettos?”

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* Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan apologized before a Senate panel for his agency’s prostitution scandal. We bet that you’d be “deeply disappointed” too if your employees were caught stiffing a hooker on her bill. [Miami Herald]

* Day four of jury deliberations in the John Edwards campaign finance trial closed yesterday without a verdict. The former presidential candidate is probably just waiting to pack it in, get this jury declared hung, and call it a day. [CNN]

* “This case is maybe something like a near disaster for Oracle.” A jury ruled unanimously that Google didn’t infringe Oracle’s Java patents in developing its Android software. Maybe they weren’t evil after all. [Bloomberg]

* A record low of 41% of Americans call themselves “pro choice” when it comes to abortions, and only a little more than half think it should be legal under “certain circumstances.” What is this, Roe v. World? [Reuters]

* Chief Judge Jonathan Lippman put together a task force to make recommendations on how to implement New York’s new pro bono prerequisite. Please let them take law school clinic hours. [Corporate Counsel]

* Remember the lawyer who sued his posh fitness club over its failure to provide free breakfast? Not only is his suit now toast, but he also has to fork over some cash to the club’s lawyers. [New York Daily News]

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