J.P. Morgan

* Kai the Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker pleaded not guilty in the beating death of a New Jersey lawyer. [New Jersey Star-Ledger]

* Judge Edmond E. Chang tossed Chicago’s gun sale ban as unconstitutional. [Fox News]

* Refusing to take a hint, Paul Clement is suing over the Affordable Care Act again. [The Blog of the Legal Times]

* Nixon Peabody is trying to stand out from the Biglaw crowd. Maybe it’s time for another theme song. [Washington Post]

* J.P. Morgan is close to a deal in the Madoff affair. Rumors place it at $2 billion or basically a week’s worth of revenue. [DealBook / New York Times]

* After getting busted for cocaine possession, GOP Rep. Trey Radel has hired Rob Walker of Wiley Rein to advise him on the looming House investigation. Only in Washington would you have an investigation into something after the guy already pleaded guilty. [Politico]

* Are you ready for your retirement? The answer is probably, no. [ABA Journal]

* A Texas court overturned Tom DeLay’s conviction on money laundering charges. DeLay immediately thanked Jesus, who played an instrumental role in the three judge panel’s deliberations. [New York Times]

* Eric Holder has eliminated mandatory minimum sentences for those low-level nonviolent drug offenders whose cases are currently pending. In related news, here is a cow riding a razor scooter. [Washington Post]

* This says J.P. Morgan actually did just fine in their settlement with the Securities and Exchange Commission. I get the hugest boner from underdog stories like this one. [WSJ Law Blog]

* A woman has sued Getty Images after her photo was used in an HIV advertisement. She’s apparently holding out for the herp campaign. [New York Post]

* More from Clarence Thomas in Portland: “Why was a black kid in Georgia reading Ayn Rand?” I don’t know. Because he was dumb? [ABC News]