Morning Docket

* Can we all take a second and register how wildly corrupt it is that the Supreme Court just gives millions of dollars to Michael Chertoff? [Politico]

* Facebook tagged for trafficking. [Bloomberg]

* Arkansas has now yanked child labor protections and introduced anti-trans bathroom laws if you want to know how things are going down there. [Reuters]

* Supreme Court talking about influencers in moment that defines cringe. [Law360]

* It’s not that robots can pass the bar exam, it’s that the bar exam is stupid. [Legaltech News]

* NYC is prepared for protests surrounding Trump indictment. Precaution is always good, but most of his supporters inclined to go out and do something dangerous are probably already serving their January 6th sentence. [Reuters]

* Meanwhile, the House GOP wants Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg to testify to Congress about this process because federalism and states rights are just empty slogans. [Courthouse News Service]

* Fox producer claims Winston & Strawn and network attorneys pressured her to be evasive in Dominion suit deposition. Sometimes witnesses misinterpret “don’t speculate” for “be evasive” but reading some of the details, this seems to be… not that. [Law360]

* Proposed class action against JPMorgan Chase for aiding in sex trafficking moves forward. [New York Law Journal]

* Debevoise partners took the firm’s headcount growth on the chin with average profits dipping to a mere $4.42 million per partner. This might look very smart in a few months when they’re going to need all those retained associates for ramped up work because… [American Lawyer]

* … Biglaw projects an M&A revamp over the second half of the year. Which is the prediction Above the Law has made for months so it’s nice to see the firms catching up. [Bloomberg Law News]

* Kevin Costner’s case heads to the South Dakota Supreme Court. I didn’t like The Postman either, but we don’t need to make a whole case out of it. [Kelo]

* What say the Constitution about “True Threats”? I promise this isn’t a spinoff show about vampires and faeries. [The Daily Beast]

* The folks at Volokh aren’t too happy about how the Supreme Court reads its adequate and state ground doctrine. [Reason]

* You aren’t the only one suspicious that Clarence Thomas did a major rehaul of the 2nd Amendment. [Washington Post]

* If Donald Trump gets charged, it’ll take a while before the process really sets in. Bring a good book. [Reuters]

* A Virginia judge went out of his way to show that he knows the law when it comes to embyos. Slave law. This is 2023. [ABA Journal]

* I love some good parody and a good whiskey. What will SCOTUS think of a parody of whiskey? [ABA Journal]

* Take my food and I’ll take you to court! Grubhub, Uber Eats, and Postmates can’t arbitrate their way out of this one. [Reuters]

* Kirkland & Ellis is pulling Metallica’s strings advising this acquisition. [Bloomberg Law]

* To Life, Liberty, and a Right to A Stable Climate. [Bloomberg Law]

* The stakes are climbing against TikTok. I doubt a dance challenge will get to the root of this. [Ars Technica]

* Using confidential arbitration to resolve what looks like firing a star employee because she dared to take maternity leave isn’t a good look, DLA Piper. [ABA Journal]

* Wisconsin should be known for more than their cheese. They also have homegrown terrorism and kidnapping plots. [Reuters]

* Been following First Amendment religion jurisprudence? You should probably know about the ministerial exception — here’s a primer. [The Tennessean]

* New Mexico is making sure that trans rights are human rights. Take that, North Carolina. [Source NM]

* Plan on clerking any time after law school? You might want to reconsider exercising your right to protest. [Bloomberg Law]

* Justice Ketanji has stood out for her questions. Her decisions have fallen in line with the others thus far. [ABA Journal]

* A Texas judge could play a role in banning abortion pills nationwide: Quite a lot of intervention from the Lone Star state. [Reuters]

* Like voting? You should follow this one: North Carolina’s redistricting case is gonna have some spillover. [Reuters]

* The “Rust” prosecutor flaked. [NYT]

* Conflicts of interest are no joke in these parts. [NY Daily News]

* Want a popular policy done, but Congress is uncooperative? Enter Executive Orders. Joe Biden plans to issue one on gun background checks today. [Bloomberg Law]

* Can partisan gerrymandering get worse? Yes, yes it can. Today the North Carolina Supreme Court will reconsider the issue, which could have major repercussions for national politics. [Reuters]

* Supreme Court to consider whether the Constitution provides protection against anti-trans discrimination. And I am sure completely coincidentally, a vocally anti-trans federal judge finds himself in the news. [Vox]

* Court issues blow to California labor movement: an appeals court found ride share services can classify drivers as independent contractors instead of employees. [Huffington Post]

* It’s not that law school deans want to end rankings, it’s that they want to make them better. [Slate]

* Michael Cohen takes the stand: Donald Trump’s one-time fixer is singing to a New York grand jury. [Law360]

* Some lawyers out there are getting paid for putting together the most financially significant $1.20 deal ever. [Law360]

* Barney Frank, whose nameesake regulations could have prevented the recent bank collapses and then lobbied to support Trump administration efforts to relax those same regulations, sits on the board of now-collapsed Signature Bank. D’oh. [Twitter]

* But Frank isn’t blaming the regulatory rollback he supported. He’s blaming crypto. I guess just because it’s fake money supported by libertarian fever dreams and Ponzi schemes. Though that does force one to ask: why was his bank seemingly so exposed to it then? [Bloomberg]

* Biglaw favors laterals over home-grown associates. So you’re telling me they want all of the revenue generation with none of the training write-offs? Weird. [American Lawyer]

* Trial by combat lawyer seeking unpaid fees from former political candidate. I think I speak for everyone when I say we can resolve this with a simple joust. [NY Post]

* Michael Irvin allegations finally detailed. [Yahoo]

* Lawyers drought in rural states creates massive workloads for those who stay. [Gazette]

* NY prosecutors signal that Donald Trump is about to be indicted. It’s probably a misdemeanor for falsifying records to bribe Stormy Daniels into silence, but it’s something. [Huffington Post]

* Speaking of bribery, the trial of the Fox executives accused of bribing soccer officials results in split verdict. The only proper result for a case about a sport that drags on forever and ends in a draw. [Courthouse News Service]

* Alex Murdaugh is appealing his conviction based on… well, the filing doesn’t say but I’m sure those crazy kids will come up with something. [The Hill]

* Brett Favre’s lawyer says his defamation claims against commentators addressing the Mississippi welfare scandal are a “slam dunk.” Which is the wrong sport. [Awful Announcing]

* DoNotPay hit with class action lawsuit. Maybe the algorithm can defend them here! If the company is willing to bet a million on its ability to win a SCOTUS case, it can surely do this pro se. [CBS News]

* DOJ opposing efforts to keep judges from enhancing sentences for minor crime convictions based on allegations where the jury acquitted. See, this is a reason to be furious with Merrick Garland. [Reuters]

* Do you still use paper business cards? Should you upgrade to one of the objectively cooler options out there or are you too much of an American Psycho fan to give up paper? [Daily Business Review]

* Industry report suggests firms should stop the layoffs and hold off on billing rate increases. Nice try, clients! Thought you could slip one by us. [American Lawyer]

* JP Morgan blames former executive for not keeping them in the loop on the Jeffrey Epstein thing sooner. Presumably they mean because they would’ve stopped doing business with him and not because they wanted in. [Law360]

* Bankman-Fried lawyers suggest possible delay. Hold that pre-trial release to the moon! [Reuters]

* Senator wants access to exactly WHICH classified documents Trump, Biden, and Pence had, and is threatening to kill 702 until he gets it. Watch as the intelligence community struggle with what they love more: overclassification or warrantless wiretapping. It’s like asking a robot to define love. [NY Times]

* Feds probing Memphis police and specialized police forces across the country generally. Could it be that giving a small unit of cops military grade equipment and functional immunity for whatever they want has led to abuse? [Courthouse News Service]

* Corporations run from their own diversity pledges at the first sign of white blacklash. The times they are a-staying the same. [Bloomberg Law News]

* Biden administration blocking JetBlue’s merger with Spirit proving yet again that whatever deal you think you have with Spirit, it’s going to get ridiculously more expensive before it’s over. [Law360]

* Arkansas loosening child labor laws as Lochner II era continues apace. [Washington Post]

* Shearman & Sterling tabs new leader after merger talks fall through. [Reuters]

* Congress and Biden appear to have killed the criminal code reforms passed by the elected government of DC. I guess there were a lot of federal officials in DC who didn’t want the increased sentences for attempted murder and attempted sexual assault that the law would’ve created. [NBC News]

* Texas Two-Step ruling opening the door to asbestos claims. [Bloomberg Law News]

* Ivy League slapped with price-fixing suit for not awarding athletic scholarships. [Wall Street Journal]

* Baylor Law School out of compliance with ABA standards. [KWTX]

* But the good news is that some other schools are back in compliance! [ABA Journal]

* O’Melveney explains how expansion pushed them into a billion-dollar firm this year. We’ve said this before, but as we wait for the Am Law 200, make note of these stories because it’s “the notes they’re not playing” — every peer firm that’s not rushing to tell their story to the American Lawyer right now is probably sitting on some iffy numbers. [Law.com]

* Police charging attorney observer from the SPLC with “domestic terrorism” for monitoring Cop City protests. Branding legal counsel as “domestic terrorism” might seem like a prelude to fascism, but we’ve all been assured that the REAL fascism is Yale students not inviting kids they don’t like to parties. So we’re all fine. [AL.com]

* The EU is coming for Asiago. [Bloomberg Law News]

* Supreme Court throws head in sand and refuses to consider that FedEx might have a workforce that crosses state borders… as a delivery company. [Reuters]

* Sam Bankman-Fried allowed to carry flip phone. Cue the Eighth Amendment. Just give him a rotary phone and be done with it. [Reuters]

* Former inspector general revisits the Supreme Court’s “oops, I mean, we talked to the justices ‘about’ the investigation but I cannot say that they were part ‘of’ the investigation” effort, and ruminates on how unbelievably inept this is. [The Atlantic]

* George Conway is getting a divorce from Kellyanne confirming that marriage requires more than one person with a foot in reality. [CNN]

* Starbucks’ labor troubles have gone from venti to cento. [Bloomberg Law News]

* Law360 continues to be laser-focused on the former NY Chief Judge Janet DiFiore beat, uncovering seemingly misleading testimony used to justify her multimillion-dollar publicly funded security detail. [Law360]

* A collection of crazy law firm merchandise. [LegalCheek]

* Sometimes juries don’t need to deliberate for long. [Law360]

* “Nooses found at plant” seems like a headline that shouldn’t be coming up in 2023. [Reuters]

* “Rap lyrics” requires its own law apparently. [ABC]

* Biden plans to sign law imposing colonial rule on DC. Mark all of these names down because they should never be allowed to mention “states rights” again. [Washington Post]

* Zoom bombing porn derailed Fed governor’s event. If only it could derail his votes, we might have a functional economy again… [CNN]

* ERA suffers from arbitrary shot clock and let’s be honest you don’t know if I’m talking about baseball or basic human rights right now. [Bloomberg]

* Regulators tell Elon Musk that he can’t start putting chips in people’s brains. GAH! Kill a monkey (or 1500) and suddenly the bureaucrats in Washington won’t let you do anything anymore. [Reuters]

* “Murdaugh Committed Murders As Career Spiraled” should be every attorney’s defense to a rough month… “I know I just considered taking my book of business to Jones Day, but I could’ve done a double murder.” [Law360]

* Biden administration plans to shift the liability for hacks to software manufacturers. This policy seems stupid but at least the president is trying to address the harms of massive data breaches instead of having public fever dreams about drag story time. America is broken. [Bloomberg Law News]

* After securing abortion restrictions, the new right-wing legal mission is advocating for strict voting restrictions. [ProPublica]

* Legal technology made the national news! Our coverage was better. [MSNBC]

* Let the battle for AI supremacy in Biglaw begin! [Legaltech News]

* Law firms expect tougher fee negotiations. Have honestly lost count of how many times this was a headline and then nothing actually happened. [Financial Times]

* Cravath expands to London. The firm’s American-centric practice is dead, the firm lives. [Law.com International]

* Does Mayer Brown has an opening for a former partner? Asking for an ousted mayor. Maybe they could rename it MAYOR Brown. [CNN]

* Meanwhile in NYC, Eric Adams is over here seeking an end to the separation of church and state. Just an absolute clown show. [NY Daily News]

* LA County owes $29M over distributing horrific pictures of the Kobe Bryant helicopter crash. [Law360]

* Jerry Jones assault case revived. [Dallas Morning News]

* When the Trump administration used COVID as a rationale to unilaterally rewrite immigration laws, the Supreme Court thought that was fine. Today, the same justices will scream bloody murder at the idea of the Biden administration using the COVID economic slump to justify forgiving $20K worth of student loans the same way the government forgave millions in PPP loans. Because… reasons. [Reuters]

* Law firms get conservative on legal technology amid recession fears. I guess this means they aren’t trying to bring in tech to reduce attorney ranks. [Legaltech News]

* Rupert Murdoch acknowledges in testimony that Fox News lied about the election. Did these people even have in-house counsel in 2020? [Law360]

* Merrick Garland’s appearance on Capitol Hill tomorrow will very much suck for him. [Esquire]

* The ongoing Neil Gerrard scandal will go to court next week to find out just how much Dechert owes one of its former clients. [Bloomberg Law News]

* Florida court denies the habeas petition a pregnant detainee filed on behalf of her fetus. As always “Life Begins At Conception… Some Terms and Conditions Apply.” [The Guardian]

* Should one admission be enough to practice in all federal courts? If we let a single judge in the middle of nowhere issue injunctions binding the whole country, we may as well let the lawyers practice across the country. [National Law Journal]

* Reddit stories are always a little suspect, but could this law student have lost a job over “bofadeez nutz” greeting? [LegalCheek]

* A pair of siblings have barricaded themselves in a room at their mom’s house and taken to TikTok after a Utah judge ordered them returned to their father AFTER the state child welfare agency concluded that the father sexually abused the kids. A lot of people just shouldn’t be allowed to be judges, y’all. [ProPublica]

* FTC ends its challenge to the Meta-Within deal. Remember this when we’re all stuck in Zuckerberg’s Metaverse hellscape in a few years. [Law360]

* Texas prosecutors can’t go after people for offering financial aid to women seeking abortion care in other states, which for some reason required a court ruling to clarify. [Reuters]

* States sue FDA over moves to limit abortion pill access, which the administration is limiting right as states crack down on reproductive health care. [Courthouse News Service]

* Another effort to strike “non-lawyer” from the industry vernacular. Deploying the phrase to denigrate other professionals is bad, but… it’s pretty important for a host of ethical reasons that folks know if their law firm contact is a lawyer or not. [Law.com]

* Shocking absolutely no one, when faculty met to discuss an effort by some Christian law students to get official recognition for new clubs to exclude LGBTQ students, the meeting was recorded and leaked to Fox News. Because the whole point for these initiatives is to get on Fox News. But now police are involved and students are getting a crash course in the difference between one- and two-party consent states. [NHPR]

* Alex Murdaugh’s lawyer pulled a gun on the prosecutor? Meh, seems par for this course. [Intelligencer]

* Even if Section 230 survives, it won’t shield ChatGPT. [Lawfare]

* Regulators are starting to think billion-dollar crypto deals might be a problem. Welcome to the party. [Reuters]

* Elon Musk asks court to lift protections designed to keep him from committing more SEC violations. What could possibly go wrong? [CNBC]

* The Supreme Court may still want to blow up the internet, but they don’t seem like they want to do it over this case. [SCOTUSBlog]

* Delaware lowers bar passage score. Apparently global climate change has made hell freeze over. [Reuters]

* Hogan Lovells net income down 13 percent. Starting to see why they might be in the merger market. [American Lawyer]

* Put aside four days in the office… could we really operate on a four-day work week? Yes, reports obvious study. [Courthouse News Service]

* Law firms band together to oppose SEC request for the names of Covington clients targeted in cyberattack. [Law360]