Morning Docket

Mabel: the best (and cutest) attack dog ever.

* Reason No. 564,857,495,736 Why Law Graduates Are Unemployable: They don’t have good skills. You know, like social skills, networking skills, bow hunting skills. Just the usual. [Wall Street Journal]

* At 91, Justice Stevens has got a virile mind, but he may have suffered a premature evacuation from the bench of the Supreme Court. [ABA Journal]

* Michele Bachmann wants to amend the constitution to define marriage as between a woman and a man. Those pornless marriages are going to be pretty boring. [The Note / ABC News]

* Sorry, guys, but your “Amazon fishing expedition” is on hold because of the DOJ’s child sex tourism lawsuit. Go Wet Your Line somewhere else, with someone of age. [New York Times]

* Nature, you’re doing it wrong. I said Tyler Coulson should attack the wild like Bear, not be attacked by a bear. Don’t worry, because Mabel saved the day. [New York Post]

* This lawsuit against the PGA is grrrrreat! Which tiger is more distracting: one in a bright orange costume, or one with a bevy of bimbos? [ProGolfTalk / NBC Sports]

* With Deathly Hallows: Part 2 opening this Friday, the Wizarding World of Harry Potter probably wishes it could cast some evanesco and make this Cezanne font lawsuit disappear. [Gothamist]

* Jared Lee Loughner’s lawyers are fighting his forced medication due to the side effects of antipsychotics. Sorry bro, but when you’re charged with killing so many people, you deserve to lactate a little. [CNN]

* New York’s AG may save the day for football fans. He’s investigating the legality of the NFL lockout due to its economic impact on the state, but I think he wants some J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS! [Bloomberg]

* Police have confirmed that the dismembered body found near Mercer Law was that of graduate Lauren Giddings. We hope the killer is found soon and brought to justice. [Augusta Chronicle]

* Bret Michaels has to cart his ass and his wig back to NY for his Tony Awards lawsuit. Hopefully he’ll document the trip with another season of Bang Rock of Love Bus. [ArtsBeat / New York Times]

* When a man goes gray, he’s called a silver fox. When a woman goes gray, she’s called grandma. And in Texas, she’s also called unemployed. Double standards suck. [Houston Chronicle]

* Even though the Pentagon was halfway through its repeal of DADT, the Ninth Circuit decided the process was moving in reverse warp speed and officially put the kibosh on it yesterday. [Los Angeles Times]

* While DSK played a “constructive” game of Go Fish, Mayor Bloomberg decided that perp walks had gone out of style. We’re always the last to get the memo on fashion. Le sigh. [New York Times]

* I was all excited that I might not have to write about Casey Anthony anymore, but noooooo — she just had to go and get served by her imaginary nanny for defamation. [This Just In / CNN]

* Actually, I rescind that comment. I’m excited to report that even pornographers don’t want to touch Casey Anthony. She’s not a baby killer, but boner killing’s another story. [TV Guy / Orlando Sentinel]

* The NYC Atheists are making a stink about a street sign honoring heroes. I guess these prudes objected to playing seven minutes in heaven during high school, too. [New York Daily News]

* Dallas Cowboys receiver Roy Williams is going to court over his $76K Pony Express marriage proposal. Who knew that “mail order” brides cost so much? [Odessa American]

* DSK’s alleged Sofitel victim has filed a libel suit against the New York Post over its hooker allegations. And a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but it’d probably get me sued, too. [CNN]

* Biglaw could teach rappers a lesson or two when it comes to making it rain. As it turns out, the whole Madoff debacle has turned into one giant rainmaker raid after the next. [DealBook / New York Times]

* Guess who will be paying for Whitey Bulger’s defense attorney? You, and you, and you. And especially you. You know who I’m talking about. [WSJ Law Blog]

* You guys can fight over who inherited your dad’s balls all you want, but leave the puggle alone! A doggie order of protection has been filed in the Pogofsky estate suit. [Chicago Tribune]

* Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. A Florida traffic court magistrate allegedly went all om nom nom on a police officer’s finger. [South Florida Sun Sentinel]

* Deliberations in the Anthony trial continue today. If I were a juror, I’d be so pissed about missing an entire day of July 4th fun that I’d serve Casey some first degree murder for breakfast. [USA Today]

* Another day, another rape allegation. Dominique Strauss-Kahn just can’t catch a break. Or a nod for a French presidential run. [Adelaide Now]

* Poor New York judges. How are they supposed to afford their 3,500 square foot significant others on sh*tlaw salaries? Definitely the “most important problem” in our court system. [New York Times]

* The only thing stoners refuse to procrastinate about is access to weed. NJ potheads don’t want to be chronically late to the medical marijuana party, so they might sue the state. [CBS New York]

* A New York bus matron allegedly dragged a kid off a bus and dumped her at the wrong school. I don’t think “No Child Left Behind” means what you think it means, lady. [New York Daily News]

* Octomom is refuting statements made in an alleged interview with In Touch. Of course she loves her kids. When your house is in foreclosure, you need all the state funds you can get. [Examiner]

Ed. note: Your Above the Law editors are busy celebrating their freedom today (and we hope you are, too). We will return to our regular publishing schedule on Tuesday, July 5.

* Well, the government is finally agreeing with the fact that that all men are theoretically created equal. Even the most faaaaaaabulous ones. That only took 235 years. [Associated Press]

* Oh, and by “theoretically,” I meant that according to the Sixth Circuit, some people are created more equal than others. Especially if they want to go to school in Michigan. [New York Times]

* Jose Baez’s closing in the Anthony trial featured quotes like: “Who cut the cheese?” and “Who smelled what?” Whoever smelt it, dealt it. Even “laughing man” Ashton knows that. [Baltimore Sun]

* Obama will host a Twitter town hall meeting this week. How many ways can you express your anger about jobs and the economy in less than 140 characters? #WTF [New York Daily News]

* In the home of the free and the brave, a prisoner can’t even get off. Is keeping a man from making daily deposits in his spank bank a form of cruel and unusual punishment? [Detroit News]

* The defense rested in Casey Anthony’s case yesterday, and she didn’t even take the stand. Jose Baez is happy that he can quit breaking out his evidence flashcards. [CNN]

* Is it possible for computer software to practice law without a license? Only robot ethics law scholars will be able to give you the answer on that one, and I feel like those only exist in the Matrix. [CNN Money]

* Trademark infringement has been alleged in the case of the dueling DJs. Best resolution: a spin-off between Connecticut’s DJ Paulie and Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D. Yeaaaaaaah, buddy! [Register Citizen]

* Colorado pot activists are suing because new weed regulations allegedly violate the state’s constitution. But hey, at least this story gave me an excuse to turn on Sublime. [Washington Post]

* Attempting to force a sober woman in high heels to do sobriety tests on gravel is dumb. Especially when that woman’s husband is a lawyer. [News & Observer]

Andrew Shirvell, you're just dying to be Photoshopped, aren't you?

* Now that he’s been convicted, Rod Blagojevich is probably going to be disbarred. Keep an eye out on eBay for the sale of his law degree and bar card. [ABA Journal]

* Yesterday, Jeffrey Sutton became the first Republican appointee on the federal bench to affirm Obamacare’s constitutionality. Scalia, you mad? [Los Angeles Times]

* Scam bloggers get another hour in the spotlight thanks to an article published in a law journal. Even law schools are promoting scam bloggers these days. [National Law Journal]

* Andrew Shirvell, who is currently unemployed and near broke, is trying desperately, and failing, to save his last shred of dignity. No sealed depo for you, buddy. [Detroit News]

* Just two days after a 95-year-old woman had her diaper changed by the TSA, the Texas legislature put an airport anti-groping bill on the no-fly list. [Reuters]

* Guys at my high school had the FBI install GPS tracking devices on their cars without warrants all the time, it was no big deal. [Washington Post]

* Lady Gaga’s reps have said that the pending 1-800-LAWFIRM case against her is meritless. Still no statement on the merit of claims that Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite. [USA Today]

* Sacré bleu, Google, but you should know better than to be evil to the Frenchies. They’ll try to go to war with you and then stand you up. Way to waste your own time. [CNN Money]

* Pledges hazing bros? You’re doing it wrong. No, really. You’re doing it wrong. You’re not supposed to kill people, dude. [ABC News]

* Bart Winokur will be stepping down at Dechert. NYLS, maybe you can help another person get a job, because one just materialized. [Philadelphia Inquirer]

* More than 70 percent of law firms like client feedback. Less than 50 percent of law firms ask for client feedback. I guess we all know how much client feedback really matters. [Am Law Daily]

* Judge Thrash lived up to his name and blocked the most controversial parts of Georgia’s new immigration law. Stay tuned for the state’s appeal. [CNN]

* And we can also look forward to litigation on South Carolina’s new immigration law. Too bad; those IIEU uniforms might’ve been all cool and futuristic looking. [Reuters]

* If there’s video of DSK eating lunch at McCormick & Schmick’s, it could be useful in his case. I guess DSK is crossing his fingers and hoping that he wasn’t eating his fish suspiciously. [New York Times]

* IN Medicaid recipients can return to Planned Parenthood, said CEO Betty Cockrum. Bonus: if you do too much of either part of the CEO’s surname, you’ll definitely end up there.[Huffington Post]

* In New York, while gay couples see happy marriages in their futures, divorce lawyers see dollar signs. You know, hoping to make bank on breakups up isn’t very nice. SADFACE. [New York Post]

* You know why it’s cheaper, easier, and generally less awful to go to Small Claims Court? Because lawyers aren’t involved, and you usually don’t get Judge Judy. [Los Angeles Times]

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